


Everything to Lose

by clexa_is_endgame47



Category: The 100, The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Anya & Lexa (The 100) Are Siblings, Bisexual, Clarke Griffin & Raven Reyes Friendship, Clarke Griffin & Raven Reyes are Best Friends, Clarke cheats on Lexa, Clarke cheats on Lexa with Bellamy, Clexa, Eventual Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Heavy Angst, Lesbian, Modern Setting, Modern Setting Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Slow Burn, Soulmates, The 100 - Freeform, clexa modern au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2019-10-02 02:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 83
Words: 129,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17255825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexa_is_endgame47/pseuds/clexa_is_endgame47
Summary: One mistake. Clarke made one mistake and it was enough to end everything she had been dreaming about for a life with her soulmate Lexa. But when years later they meet again, Clarke makes it her life's mission to rectify the misunderstandings, be truthful and come clean about everything that had led up to her big mistake in the first place. (Modern Clexa AU)





	1. Chapter 1

She turned the key in the lock of their apartment and closed the door behind her, immediately looking towards the kitchen to check if her partner was home.

“Clarke? Babe, are you home?’ she called out

No answer. She sighed. Until 2 weeks ago, it was a common sight to come home after a hard day at work, to find Clarke prepping up some new recipe she learned or simply sitting on the couch with her guitar playing some tunes to herself, or reading a book, something even the door opening wouldn’t distract her from.

Lexa hung her coat in the closet and walked in towards the kitchen island. She got herself a glass of water and texted Raven while sipping on it.

“Hey Raven, I’m sorry to bother you at this hour, but is Clarke with you?”

“Hi, Lexa. It’s no problem. Umm… no, Clarke isn’t with me. What’s up?”

Lexa felt embarrassed. She’s supposed to know these things. It’s supposed to be a thing between her and Clarke. But Clarke’s been acting different off late. Very different. Distant would be a better word. Lexa looked around the room once more, then finally pulled up Clarke’s name on speed dial and called her.

It rang and it rang. But she didn’t pick.

She quickly texted Raven.   
“Umm… nothing was just checking. I’m sure she’s with Murphy and the gang.”

To which Raven quickly replied  
“Alright. Hey, let me know if you need me okay? And please, tell me once she’s home too.”

“Thanks Rae”

Under normal circumstances, Lexa would panic. Like she did the first day this happened. But 2 weeks in now, and she’s picked up a pattern. It was 11pm now. Clarke should be home in an hour or two. Her friends will drop her off. At least Lexa hoped so. She wiped her face down in frustration, took a long breath and made her way upstairs to their bedroom. She needed a quick shower.

Clarke’s always been more social than her. Her job allowed it too. She was an extrovert by nature. Always meeting new people because her creativity and her love for the arts demanded it sometimes. Lexa however preferred fewer social occasions. Being a lawyer by profession, she inevitably has to speak out and confidently before a lot of people. And she was damn good at it too. It was one of the things Clarke loved so much about her.

Clarke was always the one pushing her to come to parties with her. Not that she didn’t enjoy it. She did. Especially when Clarke got all buzzed with just a few beers and would get all clingy and affectionate. Lexa loved those nights.

But alcohol was beginning to become more of an enemy to their relationship. And Lexa couldn’t get it off her mind while she showered. What was tonight’s argument going to be about? What harsh things would they say to each other today? Is one of them going to end up sleeping on the couch again? The past two weeks have been stressful and Lexa could not understand why Clarke had changed, or rather what had changed between them.

Add to that all the new clients she’s been allocated at work. With appraisal season just around the corner and her eyes on that big promotion, she was trying her best to give her everything to her work and still be here for Clarke, whatever it is she’s going through, whatever it is that’s making her think she needs to get shit-faced drunk every night.

As hot water ran down her naked body, she closed her eyes and tried to focus on happier times. Sure they’d had bad days before too. Really bad days, they were a couple. Since high school. They’ve had their fair share of fights, break-ups and make ups, they’d cried together, made love together, grown up together and now, they’d been living together for 2 years. It’s got to mean something right? Right? Lexa had every intention of spending the rest of her life with Clarke. She was going to pop the question sometime soon in the future. They had already discussed kids. Hell, if that doesn’t hint at permanency, then what does? She tried to slow her thoughts down and focus on the water caressing her skin and less on the tears beginning to brim.

‘We’ll get through this’ she whispered to herself and turned the shower off. She reached out for a towel and quickly dried herself off. And along with her pyjamas, she quickly put on her strength and some more, for Clarke. She’ll try talking to her tonight again. They have to find a way to fix this. It can’t keep going on this way. Clarke was either hurt or angry about something. Why else would she be acting out this way? She’ll sit her down tonight, hold her close and coax her to open up. Whatever it is she’s feeling, she should know she doesn’t need to go through this alone.

Lexa made her way downstairs to heat up the food she picked up on her way home, hoping Clarke would have dinner with her. She served herself a plate and began eating, standing by the kitchen island, and simultaneously tried Clarke’s phone again.

This time, she picked up

“Clarke!”

“Hey baby” Clarke slurred.

Lexa frowned. Clarke sounded too drunk. The endearment was common. The slur in her voice… That was what she picked up on.

“What time are you coming home?” Lexa asked.

“Are you home, already? Shit. What time is it?” Clarke asked.

Lexa looked at the clock in their kitchen and at the same time, she heard Clark giggle at someone near her.

“Babe it’s almost 12… you should be getting home.” Lexa said.

“Yea, I’m leaving in like… 10 minutes”

Clarke clearly didn’t leave in 10 minutes. It was 1 am now and Lexa was sipping on a mug of coffee while typing away on her laptop. A dangerous thing to do given that she needed to wake up at 7 am tomorrow and coffee would do nothing but keep her up. But she was adamant on talking to Clarke tonight. She tried her phone again. It just kept ringing. Lexa almost threw her phone aside in frustration, when she heard the lock of the door open. She looked that way to find Clarke making her way inside.

She stopped when she saw Lexa sitting by the kitchen island.

“Clarke where have you been?”

“god, you look beautiful” Clarke exclaimed and took quick steps until she was by Lexa’s side, Lexa turned towards her and Clarke leaned in, held her face a little too lovingly and began kissing her. Lexa’s heart jumped. Even after all these years, how Clarke’s lips could move her this way, was beyond her. But then the taste of alcohol on Clarke’s lips brought her back to reality and reminded her of why they were even here in the first place. She lightly tugged at Clarke’s hands, and pulled her lips away from her lover.

“Clarke… wait… We need to talk.”

“Come on Lexa, I’m tired of fighting… can’t we just…”

She leaned back in, this time, with more purpose, her eyes had darkened, like she’d been waiting to come home and make love to her girlfriend. Her hand moved lower, caressing Lexa’s neck, her collar bone, and lightly grazed over her breast when Lexa all but pushed herself off the bar stool and away from Clarke.

“What the fuck, Lexa!” Clarke exclaimed.

“Clarke. Are you not listening to me?”

“I am. And I’m tired. And I know whatever we start now will end in a fight and I don’t want to fight anymore” Clarke said… sounding tired and sad.

“And why is that Clarke? Why is it that every time we try to talk these days it ends up in a fight?”

Clarke looked tired. Like she wanted to give up. And Lexa hated herself for pushing so much. Clarke has never needed this much pushing before. She usually came to her on her own, mumbling her problems into Lexa’s chest at night, and Lexa would hold her tight, either helping her find solutions or just simply listening and letting her vent. But this time was different. This time, Clarke was closing herself off and Lexa couldn’t take it.

“I don’t know okay! I don’t know!” Clarke snapped.

Lexa took a step forward toward Clarke. Wanting to reach out and touch her arm, to show her she was still here for her even if she was trying to be firm here.

“Clarke, you’ve been drinking every night for the past two weeks. You come home drunk, you don’t answer my questions, we argue, and go to bed angry. We wake up and act like nothing happened the earlier night. We go to work like everything’s fine between us and then it’s the same thing all over again! What’s changed?”

“But everything IS FINE between us” Clarke whines as she walks over to get herself a glass of water. Lexa notices how she can’t walk straight and needs to lean against the sink as she sips on her water.

“Bullshit Clarke! Bullshit and you know it” Lexa said.

“I’m tired Lexa. Can we do this after I’ve showered, please?”

Lexa says nothing. She simply closes her laptop and takes it with her to the living room where she plants herself on the couch and continues to work. She hears Clarke sigh as she leaves the kitchen area, and later sees her slowly make her way up to their bedroom. Once she’s out of sight, Lexa takes a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. She rubs her eyes. It’s 1.30 am. They can do this. Clarke isn’t as drunk as the last few nights. Maybe they can have a civil conversation. Maybe they can sort it out. Maybe they’ll be fine tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

She reached for her phone and texts Raven.  
“Rae, she’s home. Thanks. Goodnight and once again, sorry to bother you so late”

“That’s good. Lexa, please don’t be so formal with me. Clarke’s not herself recently. I’m worried too. Thanks for keeping me in the loop”

“I know. I’ll call you tomorrow Rae. Goodnight”

“Goodnight Lexa”

Lexa kept her phone aside and looked toward the staircase. She decided to go upstairs and check on Clarke. She was still drunk after all and Lexa hoped to god she hadn’t passed out or something in the shower.

She made her way upstairs and entered their bedroom only to find Clarke wrapped in a towel sitting by the door of their master bathroom, weeping.

Lexa ran to her

“Clarke… Clarke what’s wrong? Oh my god!”

Lexa sat beside her and pulled her into her arms and Clarke sobbed loud and harsh into her neck…

“Shhh… baby… don’t cry... Talk to me… please tell me what’s going on this this sweet little head of yours”

Lexa kissed her temple, and kept doing it in an effort to calm Clarke down, she could feel her body wracking with sobs. Lexa couldn’t describe the pain she felt in her chest at the helplessness she was feeling right now…

“You’ve got to talk to me babe…” she caressed her face. This was the first time in the last two weeks Clarke was crying instead of fuming. And Lexa needed to get it out of her now. She held her face and made her look right at her.

“Look at me… I’m here… I’ve always been here… we’ve been through so much together baby, why won’t you talk to me now…”

“You’ll hate me…” came Clarke’s reply… “You already do I think…”

Lexa was shocked. She had no words. What in the world could make Clark think Lexa could ever hate her.

“What? Why would I hate you, I don’t understand… Clarke…”

Clarke looked away then. Wiped furiously at her eyes. When she opened them again they were red and puffy and Lexa wanted to kiss over them and reassure Clarke that she could never hate her. Never.

“I’m tired Lexa, please, can we just go to sleep?”

It wasn’t what Lexa wanted tonight. But at least it was something. It was more than what she’d got from her the past two weeks and so Lexa decided to take what she could get. She nodded. She got up, off the floor and helped Clarke up.

“Let’s get you in your night wear” she said to Clarke.

Clarke nodded. She was letting Lexa take care of her and that in itself was a big leap from how they’ve been ending their nights these days.

Clarke helped her into one of her t-shirts and underwear, and got her into bed. Lexa stood there. Hesitating. Clarke reached out to her and that was enough.

She could skip the couch tonight and Lexa considered that a win. Clarke cuddled in closer to her side, and Lexa kissed the top of her head before whispering a “Goodnight Clarke, I love you” to her. Clarke was already falling asleep, she could feel her heart rate slowing down and her breath too. And she thanked the universe for small blessings like tonight.

It was 7 am now, and Lexa was all set to leave for a new day at work. She had prepared breakfast for Clarke and left it out on the kitchen island for her. She had also left 2 painkillers on their bedside table with a bottle of water and a note that said “Breakfast is downstairs, please give me a call when you’re up, Clarke”

Lexa stared at her sleeping lover. She looked peaceful. And that was all Lexa would ever wish for her. But she knew there was something going on. Something Clarke wasn’t ready to talk to her about yet and it pained to be the one to not know when all their life they’ve been nothing but open to each other. A work call on her phone distracted her from Clarke. She cursed at her phone, then walked over to Clarke, kissed her forehead and left.

On her way to work, Lexa called Raven.

 

It was 11 am now, and Lexa was still awaiting Clarke’s call. But in vain. So she texted her.

“Clarke, are you up?”

“Hi, yes. I am. Sorry, couldn’t call you. Had to rush to the gallery.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yea, just had to talk to the building managers. I’m fine. I’ll see you tonight”

“I thought we could talk, whenever you’re free.”

“We can talk tonight, Lexa. I’ll come home by 10.”

Lexa sighed to herself. Clarke was avoiding talking to her. Again. Why had she expected anything else? Oh yes, she let her remotely in last night, that’s got to count for something right? She kept her phone aside and dived deep into work.

 

Clarke’s headache was almost gone. She sipped on some more water and continued with the purposeful brush strokes on the canvas before her. She was wearing one of her old shirts knowing she would get some paint over it. She was trying really hard. But nothing looked right. The entire piece was turning out to be a disaster. A metaphor for what her love-life was turning into. She placed her brush down and rested her face in her palms. Just trying to get a grip on herself. It was 7pm now.

“Hey” came an all too familiar voice from behind her. She turned around to find her friend, her best friend since high school walking towards her.

“Raven! What are you doing here?” Clarke walked towards her until she could wrap her in her arms, embracing her.

“The doorman let me in, I guess he knows when you need me the most.”

Clarke huffed. She folded her arms across her chest and said “And what do you think I need you for right now.”

Raven took a deep breath then, getting a little nervous. “Alright, let’s get right down to it then…”

When Clarke just looked at her expectantly, she continued.

“Clarke… Lexa called me this morning…” Raven noticed Clarkes change of stance. She shifted her weight from one leg to the other.

“She’s worried, Clarke…”

“Did she put you up to this? Did she send you here?” Clarke said. Clearly trying to control some emotion, she didn’t seem sure what it was exactly.

“Before you jump to any conclusions Clarke, you need to listen to me…”

“I told her we’d talk tonight, why she couldn’t just wait…”

“Clarke! You’ve been coming home drunk every night. You guys have been fighting endlessly, don’t you think she has the right to be worried, to be angry. She needs an explanation. She needs something.”

“An explanation for what? So I’ve been drinking a little. I’m dealing with something. I’ll be fine eventually…”

“She heard you talking in your sleep” Raven blurted out.

Clarke grew nervous. “What did I say?”

“You kept mumbling something about not being enough, not deserving. You said something about a monster and Lexa thought maybe you’re having a bad dream…”

Clarke turned around. Needing to not let Raven see her eyes tearing up.

“…but then you said something about how Lexa would never love you after this… and you sounded angry with yourself…”

“Clarke, you ready?” came a voice from the door way. Both Raven and Clarke turned around to find Murphy and Bellamy there.

“Sorry, didn’t realize you had company...” Murphy was quick to apologize

“That’s fine, I was leaving anyway” Raven said.

Raven turned back around to Clarke. “I guess your ride’s here. I’ll see you around Griffin. Just don’t forget how much Lexa cares about you while you go around drinking your sanity away” she said as she pulled Clarke in for a hug.


	3. Chapter 3

It was 2 am. Lexa was driving around the town stopping at the usual bars Clarke liked to party at, looking around for her, describing her to the bar tenders, but nothing. They hadn’t seen her. At least not tonight. She was trying really hard to not let her anxiety take over. Wherever Clarke was, she’d be safe… right? She had friends with her, that’s what Raven said at least. She left for a party with two guys. She hated herself for never asking Clarke for her friend’s numbers. Lexa had met the gang a few times. There was Bellamy, Murphy, Echo, Emori, Monty and Harper. They seemed like nice people.

It was 4 am now and Lexa was pacing the floor in their living room. Trying to stay objective about all of this. Even though her mind kept taking her to a place where she couldn’t help but hate that Clarke would treat her this way. This wasn’t like her at all. She started at her phone once more. Raven was still up. She seemed to be typing again.

“Lexa, trust me. I’m sure she must have stayed over at Harper’s or something. She’ll be fine. You should get some rest.”

“Thanks Rae, but I’m fine. I want to be awake when she’s in. God forbid she’s too drunk to stand again.”

“Stubborn as always when it comes to Clarke. Fine. I’m up too anyway. So keep me posted.”

“You’re a good friend Rae. Really, thanks.”

Lexa tried busying herself, she did the laundry, she rearranged their books on the shelf, she organised the files stored on her desktop, anything to keep her mind off the possibilities that her mind conjured up for why Clarke isn’t home yet.

It was 7 am now. And a soft click of the lock on the door woke her from the 5 minute nap she’d dozed off into, head down on the kitchen island. She had to blink a few times to really be able to see clearly but she wouldn’t miss that blonde hair anywhere.

“Clarke, is that you?”

“Lexa why are you up?” Lexa thought she heard Clarke say. But she couldn’t be sure cause Clarke was facing away from her, facing the bowl they kept their keys in when they came home.

That was all it took for Lexa’s anger to show. She jumped off the bar stool and walked towards Clarke

“Why am I up? Are you for real right now? You promised me you’d be home at 10, you promised me we’d talk.”

Clarke was silent.

“You don’t get to ignore me right now babe, I’ve been worried sick about you, where were you, I drove all around the city, desperately searching every bar you been frequenting...”

Lexa was right behind Clarke right now, she reached out to touch her shoulder and Clarke flinched and turned around.

Two things shocked Lexa at that moment.

  1. That Clarke would flinch at her touch.
  2. Clarke’s eyes. They were red. The rims were dark, her make-up, ruined. Like she’d cried her heart out on her way home.



 

Lexa’s demeanour changed. Suddenly she didn’t care about anything else but murdering anyone who may have hurt Clarke enough to cause this.

Lexa’s hands flew to caress Clarke’s face and she stepped closer, almost protectively.

“Who did this? Where were you? Let me make this right Clarke… please…” Lexa was fighting everything in her to not let her own emotion show. It broke her to see Clarke that way, to feel so helpless. She needed to do something.

“You can’t…” was all she got from Clarke, before Clarke tugged her hands away and ran upstairs, holing her hand to her mouth to muffle the sobs trying to make their way out from her chest.

Lexa followed behind her.

Clarke had run into their bedroom, and straight to the shower, locking herself inside. Lexa called out…   
“Clarke, please let me in…”

“Please… don’t… not right now Lex… I need this…”

She knew Lexa would respect that. Lexa. Her sweet sweet lover, would always respect her wishes.

 

Clarke turned the shower on, not caring that she still had all her clothes on. The weeping wouldn’t stop. She couldn’t bring herself to stop hating herself. It felt like she was in a bubble of endless self-hate. And she had no one to blame but herself.

She made sure the water hitting her was scalding hot, some twisted form of punishing herself and let her hazy mind take her to the same memory that had been playing on loop the last few months.

1 and a half year ago.

“Hmmm” Lexa hummed, awakened from her deep slumber with the softest pair of lips sucking at her pulse point on her neck. 

“Clarke…”

“Good morning Ms. Woods” Clarke smiled into her skin and continued kissing her neck.

Lexa chuckled “Is that what we’re going to be calling ourselves now…”

“Sorry, I’ll be keeping Griffin… whenever we decide to seal the deal that is…”

Lexa looked into Clarke’s eyes then and asked “When’s that going to happen?”

“Whenever you put a ring on this finger, babe, it’s that simple.” Clarke teased

“And what about my ring?” Lexa asked.

Clarke laughed.

“What?” Lexa asked nudging Clarke’s cheek with her nose.

“Nothing” Clarke laughed and leaned in to kiss her lovers lips

“Nah-ah… tell me, what are you laughing about…”

“It’s silly”

“That’s never stopped you before” Lexa said with a smirk.

“Funny.” Clarke deadpanned, only mildly annoyed at that statement.

“I’ve always had this scene play out in my head… where the day you propose to me, I’d have some ‘good news’ to give you along with a ring…”

Lexa stared at her blankly for a moment, realization hitting her after a few seconds.

“I told you it’s silly”

Lexa laughed. “You want to have babies with me?”

“Don’t make fun of me okay, I’ve been in love with the hottest girl in high school since the first day I saw her, can you blame me for having fantasized all of this already?”

“God! I don’t think I’ve ever felt so in love with you before.”

Clarke stared up into Lexa’s eyes, truly there was a joy there she hadn’t seen before. She smiled and pulled her lover closer to kiss that grin off her face.

“I mean… we don’t have to do it anytime soon… a wedding or babies, but I imagine we could have a family sometime in the future…” Clarke rambled.

“We’ve made this house a home in the last 6 months since we’ve moved here” Clarke continued.

Lexa cuddled her closer, if that was even possible. “I can totally imagine it, a little boy with blonde hair, and green eyes running around in the living room” Lexa said, dreamily.

Clarke giggled. “You want a boy? I was thinking more of a little girl… dark brown hair…”

“Blue eyes?” Lexa finished for her.

“Yea” Clarke said. And then continued. “I mean I know we won’t get to determine the sex of the baby, but these days, with how technology has advanced, they’re able to give you a prototype image of what you baby could look like, based on the genes of the sperm donor… we can close in on a child that resembles both of us in some way or the other, and I could carry, for us…”

“Woah woah woah… you’ve clearly thought this through.” Lexa said, surprised at her lover’s enthusiasm about this.

She laughed nervously “I did a little research, okay.”

“well Ms Mom Griffin, how about we park this idea for a time in the future, and focus on enjoying our Sunday morning, this, here and now.”

“Hmmm… Clarke pretended to think it through “I guess that could work too” she said thoughtfully.

Lexa laughed and began to tickle her sides, causing Clark to erupt with laughter trying to resist her lover’s playful teasing. “

 

Clarke was brought back to the present when she heard some shuffling sounds from outside the shower.

“Lexa, you there?”

“I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”

Clarke could see her silhouette through the foggy glass. She was pacing. Clarke looked down at herself. She quickly got rid of her clothes, drenched in steaming hot water and hung them aside. She stared at herself in the mirror they had erected to one side of the cubicle. She couldn’t bear it. She turned back around and allowed the water to properly hit her skin. Allowing herself to feel each painful drop and trying to find some kind of therapy from it but there was no comfort here in her own skin. She couldn’t bring herself to care that the tears flowed effortlessly now. She’d lost awareness of how much she’s been crying.

She reached out for her lufa, and began scrubbing at her skin, even long after the soap suds had left her body and the cubicle, the scrubbing continued, until her skin burned. Her skin burned.


	4. Chapter 4

Her thoughts taking over once more, this time to a more recent, more deceitful memory, one she was trying to wash away for almost an hour now.

6 am, she’d woken up this morning with a splitting headache. She held her head needing it to stop throbbing so much, and when her eyes finally adjusted to the light, she realized she wasn’t at home, this wasn’t her bed, and the snoring was definitely not the soft breaths she was used to.

Clarke panicked. She sat up, causing another shock of pain to travel straight to her forehead. She couldn’t think straight. She all but climbed out of the bed and gathered her clothes. She looked at her watch, it was 6 and Lexa was probably worried sick. She stared back at the man in the bed. And her heart almost stopped right there. What had she done? The tears started then and they hadn’t stopped since.

She was till scrubbing at her skin when she heard that voice, the only voice she wanted to hear right now.

“Clarke please… that’s enough now, please come out…”

Clarke turned the shower off. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to scrub any remnants of last night off her skin. It would not undo the mistakes she’d made, and it definitely doesn’t solve the issue she was dealing with in the first place.

She wrapped her towel around her body, and quietly stepped out. Not making eye contact with Lexa. Trying hard not to let her see her eyes.

Lexa was keeping her distance, not wanting to over-step when Clarke had made it clear she needed this.

“I want to help… Clarke… I don’t know what you need… and I don’t know why you’re putting this distance between us… but I want to help, just tell me what you need…”

And it took everything in Clarke to not fall down at her feet and cry out that the last thing she wants is to put distance between them, the last thing she wants is to lose the love of her life forever, but how can she make that stand when she’s probably already lost everything she’s ever worked for in this relationship. So instead, she decided to do what she’d later deem as a foolish, stupid move.

“Love me” she said, her eyes finally meeting Lexa’s worried, green orbs. “Love me, Lexa” her voice trembled when she uttered her lover’s name, walking the edge of choking on a sob.

Lexa flew to her, kissing her lips, passionately. And it made Clarke cry. Lexa felt her body tremble. She held her tighter, wound her arms around her and whispered between kisses “I’m here Clarke, I’ve always loved you, and I still love you…”

Clarke allowed her lips to absorb those words, this was probably the last time she’d hear them, because she needed to tell Lexa the truth. Their relationship so far was built on being honest with each other, and what started off as needing to be a great surprise, was now just a big lie, a big betrayal. This would probably be the last time Lexa would hold her with so much love, and she’d be a damn fool to not take all of this in. She’d hate herself for it, but she needed this now more than ever. She deserved nothing but hate for this. And she knew it would come at her from everywhere once this was out in the open. And she’d take it. But right now, she needed Lexa. All of her.

And so she reached between them, and tugged at the towel wrapped around her. Lexa pulled away to look down between them where the towel had fallen to her feet.

Clarke took the chance to stare at her lover’s face. It was a mixture of emotions. Lexa was worried, she was tired, she was sleepy, yet her eyes had darkened looking down at Clarke’s body… Clarke would otherwise take pride in how even after all these years she was able to cause this reaction from Lexa, but today, she felt nothing but shame. But then Lexa’s hands were on her skin, and her loving touch over the skin that had turned sensitive from all that scrubbing and heat in the shower, it sent a shiver down her spine, causing her eyes to close, to focus in on the feeling of Lexa’s palm on her waist.

“What are you keeping from me?” Lexa asked, whispered.

“You have all of me, Lexa” it was a vulnerable statement, she wanted Lexa to know she was all hers. But the shakiness in her voice was not lost on either of them.

“You’re not telling me something…” the tone, it could have easily been accusatory, but it was simply caring, a simple undertone of ‘we tell each other everything.”

“You’re right…”Clarke then reached out and caressed Lexa’s cheek. For the first time in two weeks really allowing herself to zero in on the pain she’d been causing, and the ultimate blow she was going to cause between them soon. And her eyes began to well up again.

“Baby, its okay” Lexa hurried to assure her, this time pulling her in for the warmest hug Clarke had allowed herself to accept in a long while. Why hadn’t she come to her before, why hadn’t she sought this comfort before things went south? Why hadn’t she trusted Lexa would save her from herself yet again?

“Let me love you” Lexa whispered in her ear and kissed under it. “Always” Clarke found her lips responding, as she melted in Lexa’s arms.

The next thing she knew, Lexa was carrying her to their bed. She sat her down and then sat behind her with a towel in her hand. Before Clarke could stop her, Lexa began drying off her hair, gently moving the towel over and through it. Clarke quickly wiped at the tears beginning to return.

Lexa then disappeared into the bathroom, having kept the towel in the laundry basket, she returned and stood before Clarke.

Clarke was this close to coming out right there and then. Before she could make this any worse by letting Lexa make love to her after what she’s done last night. But Lexa was leaning down over her now, and lightly pushing her back onto their bed, her lips warm and comforting on Clarke’s skin and Clarke couldn’t bring herself to form words.

She was laying on their bed now, Lexa straddling her hips, still clad in her skinny jeans and a lose tshirt she must have changed into when she got home from work last night.

Lexa leaned down and began kissing Clarke’s neck, then her lips, then her cheeks, gently her forehead, her eyes, Clarke allowed herself to feel all of it, cherish all of it, every touch, ever caress, every kiss. She tugged at Lexa’s tshirt, letting her know she wanted her naked too. Lexa’s lips detached from her skin and Clarke couldn’t help the whimper that left her lips. Lexa chuckled, getting off the bed and doing away with her own clothes.

Clarke turned them over when Lexa was with her again. But Lexa wouldn’t allow it. 

“Tonight’s about you” she said. Clarke wanted to convince her otherwise. She needed it to be about Lexa, about making love to Lexa, if this was the last chance she’d ever have of showing her how much she loves her, she need to give her all, but Lexa was not going to have any of it. Clarke, knowing she wouldn’t win with Lexa, decided to take as much as Lexa would give and hold that close to her forever. The hate she felt for herself ever-growing within her.

She was brought out of her thoughts when she felt Lexa’s worshipping lips and hands moving lower down her breasts… the fear and anxiety she felt run up her spine at that moment, she couldn’t even explain it to herself, let alone answer that questioning look on Lexa’s face when Clarke reached for her face to stop her from kissing lower down her stomach and abdomen.

“What’s wrong…”Lexa asked

“I don’t…”she stammered, sobs threatening to make their way out again.

“Clarke….”

“I don’t deserve this Lexa… I don’t…”

Lexa made her way up again, so that her eyes could meet Clarke’s teary eyed ones.  And she said

“Whatever it is that’s on your sweet little mind right now, I need you to forget about it for a while. Can you promise me you can do that?”

Clarke couldn’t form words.

“I fell in love with you Clarke. You’re my one and done. I can have no other. Your heart, your strength, all of it makes me proud of you, makes me adore you… why then would you think you don’t deserve to be loved this way… Just let me… I want you to forget about the past two weeks for a while. Just remember us…. Okay?”

Clarke nodded. She could do that, she could give Lexa this. And she could make love to Lexa like it was the last time she would have that privilege. Cause it may just be. But Lexa wanted her to forget and right now, she could use that. So she allowed herself these moments.

Lexa continued her trail down, kissing Clarke’s body, worshipping her like she was a goddess, Clarke’s insides trembled for what was to come.

Lexa’s mouth had the ability to render Clarke a puddle. And that’s exactly what she felt like when Lexa had successfully made her come not once but twice, and was now making love to her, kissing at her neck and breasts, doing everything she can to calm Clarke’s racing heart down. How was Clarke to tell her that her heart started racing from their activities, but it won’t stop now because fear was taking over. Fear that she’ll never have this again.

Clarke then whispered “Lexa…”

“Hmmm”

“Let me make love to you…”

Lexa finally looked into her eyes, “Not today, babe.”

Clarke saw it, she was tired, and she was sleepy. Of course, she’d stayed up all night waiting for Clarke to come home while Clarke was…

“Come here, you need sleep” Clarke tugged her closer so that she could cuddle into her chest.

Lexa chuckled “Yea, I do. But I’ll hold you to that make-out session when I’m up.” Lexa mumbled into Clarke’s chest even as she began to finally give in to sleep.

Now that Lexa couldn’t see her eyes, Clarke let the tears finally fall.


	5. Chapter 5

When Lexa’s eyes opened, they were met with their bedside clock on their bedside table. 11.30 am it said. Lexa almost panicked, thinking she was super-late from work, when she remembered she’d asked for a few days off, personal leave so that she could give all her time to Clarke, to really figure out what’s been bothering her. Clarke. Her Clarke.

Lexa turned around, needing to kiss her lover good morning, but was met with an empty side of the bed. Lexa closed her eyes. Wasn’t she promised a heavy make-out session this morning? But then she took a deep inhale only to smell an aroma of breakfast. Clarke made breakfast. After 2 weeks. Clarke made breakfast again. She must have done something right last night.

Lexa got out of bed, put on her robe and stepped into the bathroom for a shower. Once she was done, she put on her favourite jeans and one of Clarke’s painting t-shirts and headed downstairs, knowing that even though they would sit together and enjoy breakfast, they still needed to talk.

Lexa caught a few moments to herself, where Clarke hadn’t realized Lexa was down.  She stared at the blonde, who was deep in thought, staring down at the pancakes she had just plated.

“Get you a wife who looks at you the way Clarke looks at her freshly made pancakes.” Lexa teased as she sat across from Clarke on a bar stool, leaning in for a good morning kiss. Clarke obliged with a laugh at her quip.

“Pancakes… you must really have enjoyed last night.”

“uhh.. They’re actually a Thank you…”

Lexa hurried to say “I know what pancakes the morning after mean, Clarke.”

But Clarke continued “and an apology… but they’re not enough…”

“I mean, I’m not going to hold a grudge because you weren’t in bed to make out with me this morning, and I think there’s enough pancakes here to feed a family of 4.”

Clarke snapped “That’s not what I mean!”

Lexa just stared at Clarke in surprise.

“I’m sorry, eat. We’ll talk afterwards.” She said.

Clarke moved to walk away. “Nah-ah. You’re having breakfast with me.”

“I have to…” she began to make some excuse.

“Don’t Clarke, please” Lexa pleaded.

And the look in her eyes, the sincerity. Clarke needed to stop. Stop running away from what needed to happen now. So she came around the kitchen island, sat beside her lover, kissed her cheek and said

“I’m here, let’s eat.”

The smile on Lexa’s lips was worth it.

Clarke watched Lexa eat, and ramble about her earlier day at work. She wanted to take in this moment and truly cherish it. It felt like they were back to day one in this, their home. Back to when all she had to worry about was what aspect of Lexa’s personality would she sneak into her next work of art, or what she could make for dinner that Lexa would truly enjoy, or how she could make Lexa’s night more special.

But here she was, dreading the moment this bubble would burst and Lexa would remember once again that they had something to talk about. The bubble did burst. And Lexa did remember. But it didn’t pan out the way Clarke had planned.

The house phone began to ring. And it interrupted Lexa’s rant about a particular client. She started to get off her seat to take it, but Clarke stopped her.

“Don’t move, finish your breakfast, I’ll get it.” She said.  

Lexa nodded and mumbled a “thanks sweetheart” and continued with another bite of her stack of pancakes.  She watched Clarke pick up the phone and realize it was her mom calling. Clarke mouthed “Mom” while pointing at the receiver end of the phone.

Lexa smirked. The Griffin women would catch up every once in a while. Clarke never liked how often her mom called, but Lexa found it sweet. Could you blame her, Clarke had been wanting to move out of her home and move in with Lexa wherever she may be since the day they started dating. Any mom would feel protective and generally at loss.  Lexa chuckled to herself and continued to eat.

A message tone sounded out and Lexa realized it was from Clarke’s phone. She’d left it there beside Lexa’s while they were having breakfast. Lexa ignored it. But then a string of messages began to come in one after the other, causing a succession of tones. Lexa looked around to signal to Clarke that someone was trying to reach her. But Clarke had moved to the other end of the living room while chatting away with her mom.

Lexa finished her last bite and wiped her hands on a napkin, only to hear another message tone. She finally looked over and saw the locked screen light up.

6 messages on Clarke’s phone that would change her life as she knew it.

“Clarke. About last night…”

“Clarke, call me back… we need to talk”

“Listen, we were drunk. It’s okay. It didn’t mean anything. No one has to know anything.”

“I’m sorry okay.  Why aren’t you saying anything? This is as much your fault as it is mine”

“Lexa doesn’t need to know. I mean. Maybe she does. God!”

And the last one…

“Call me back, you left your locket beside the bed, I think you’ll want it back.”

Lexa’s world came crashing down in a matter of seconds.

“Babe, mom wants to know where you usually pick up your cooking chocolate from” came Clarke’s voice from the living room as she made her way towards Lexa.

Lexa turned around and the look in her eyes was enough to tell Clarke something happened. Something bad happened. Clarke stopped in her tracks.

“Uhh mom, can I call you back… uhh... no… I mean… Yea… I’ll call you later” Clarke hung up and kept the phone aside. She took a few steps closer, careful to hold Lexa’s gaze.

 “Babe, Lexa… are you okay…?” Clarke asked carefully.

“Clarke… where’s your locket?” was all Lexa said. And out of habit Clarke reached up to her chest, to feel if the locket was there, hanging between her breasts as it always was, a locket Lexa has gifted her on their first anniversary after they started dating. A locket with both their pictures in it, and an engraving that promised ‘Always’, a locket that was not where it was supposed to be right now.

It was enough to bring a feeling of dread that took over Clarke’s body.

“I…”she stammered “I must have left it upstairs… in the bathroom.” A lie.

“No… no” Lexa said… her look unreadable… “No it’s not upstairs…”

Clarke took another step forward. “Don’t” Lexa warned. Clarke held her breath.

Lexa reached for Clarke’s phone on the kitchen island, held it out to Clarke and said

“Tell him you’ll come and get it”

Clarke stared at the phone and understood. 6 messages from Bellamy. The last one the most damaging to their relationship.

Tears began to cloud her vision again. This was it. This was how it was going to end.

“Lexa, I can explain…”

“TELL HIM YOU’LL COME AND GET IT.”

“Lexa…”

“I gifted…. that locket… I gave it to you… told you I couldn’t afford a ring just yet… I…”

“Lexa… please listen to me...”

She stood up and now her eyes met Clarke’s again. This time, totally readable. It was anger. Rage Clarke had never seen before. With a hint of bewilderment and pain. No. not a hint, so much pain.

Clarke could feel tears running down her face. But that was all she could feel. Everything else was numb.

The door flew open at that moment, a panting Raven with her set of keys rambling out loud “I got here as soon as I saw your message, Lexa, is she okay, has she got out of the shower yet?”

Raven was cut short when she witnessed the scene before her. While the room smelled of pancakes and sweet syrup, the vibe she sensed was negative. Lexa’s stance, anger. Like she was trying hard to control it. Clarke, fear, vulnerability, guilt, helplessness.

“Ladies….” Raven tried to intervene, taking a few steps ahead, knowing this could be one of their fights again.

“You cheated on me, with Bellamy!” Lexa all but yelled. And that stopped Raven in her tracks.

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

“Lexa… please… allow me to explain.” Clarke was crying. 

Lexa turned her back to Clarke. Allowing herself a moment to process all of this. And finally it all clicked. Everything made sense in her head.

She held the kitchen counter, the weight of everything she’d just learned finally settling in on her shoulders, she swayed with giddiness.

She could feel both Clarke and Raven running to her side.

“Don’t touch me!” she screamed even as she collapsed to the floor and felt Clarke’s hands on her. “Don’t touch me” she said again to Clarke, even as she was finding it harder to breathe.

“Lexa you need to calm down, slow your breathing down…” Lexa heard Raven instruct her.

“She’s having an anxiety attack…” Clarke said.  
  
 Lexa saw Clarke standing about a foot away from them, her arms wrapped around herself like it was taking everything within her to not hold Lexa right now.

“Clarke, what do you do when Lexa has an anxiety attack?” Raven asked hurriedly.

“Just hold her, and make her breathe with you.. Please… just…” Clarke sounded desperate. She’s held Lexa through her anxiety attacks before, way back when they were in high school and Lexa had to deal with the demons her foster parents were.

Raven did as she was told. Knowing full well she was the only one who could bring Lexa out of her head right now, she took on the responsibility, forgetting all else.

“Come on Woods, breathe with me.. It’s not worth it… losing your breath over this, it’s not… breathe with me, slowly, in… out…. In… out…”

“I don’t want her near me, get me out. Get me out of here.” Lexa mumbled between breaths.

“Lexa… I’m sorry… it was a mistake…” Clarke tried from where she was standing. But Lexa’s breath began to quicken again.

“Clarke, now is not the time!” Raven snapped. And continued to try and get Lexa to slow her breathing down.

Clarke took two more steps back. Not wanting to cause her lover any more pain than she already had. She knew Lexa’s lungs must hurt. Her heart must hurt even more.

She rushed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Needing to do something. Help in some way. She had caused this. She came back, and leaned down next to them, on her knees… holding the glass forward

“Lex, baby…” Clarke tried.

Lexa looked up at her and instead of taking the glass of water, she flicked it out of her hand letting it fall to the floor and break into pieces.

“Save it. There’s a man down town who’d probably appreciate your attention more” Lexa spat out the words coldly. It hurt. It pained every cell in her body to hear Lexa say it. But she deserved it. She deserved all the pain Lexa needed to throw at her right now.

Clarke looked down at the floor, at the broken pieces of glass. A metaphor for what she’d turned their lives into in one night.

When she looked back at Lexa, Lexa’s face changed. She seemed sick.

“Lex?”

Lexa quickly scrambled off the floor and made her way to the nearest bathroom, Raven followed behind her hastily. And Clarke heard her throwing up. She stared at their spread of breakfast on the kitchen island. And felt angry at herself. What was she thinking? What was she thinking?! With all of this. Right from the surprise that never saw the light of day, to those drunken nights, to last night’s mistakes, this morning, using Lexa, and now this, trying to cover it up with a good breakfast. What in the world was she thinking?

Even as she could hear Lexa and Raven’s muffled voices from her bedroom, she knew exactly what was going to happen next. Lexa would throw her out of their home. Tell her she never wanted to see her again. And that would be the end of their story. Their magical ending, forever a myth.

She collected the glass pieces carefully and threw them in a bin. She would clean up her mess. At least to the extent of what she could tangibly do. She cleared up the dishes she’d used for breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen island. Her eyes falling on her phone. This wasn’t the way Lexa had to find out. Clarke had wanted to sit her down and tell her everything from the beginning. Now Lexa knew one part of the whole story, but the part that was the most damaging.

Clarke couldn’t help but wonder, if it would have made any difference, her telling Lexa or Lexa finding out this way. Either way, Clarke had been a horrible human being. She’d done her lover wrong and she deserved all the pain she could get.  Clarke wiped once more at her tears, staring up towards their bedroom, wondering if she should try reaching out to Lexa again. Try talking to her. Try apologising endlessly until some century when Lexa would forgive her for her stupidity.

She kept the kitchen duster aside and wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans and stepped out towards the staircase that led upstairs, only to hear footsteps stomping their way down. She watched with panic as she saw Lexa, her one and only love, with two of her suitcases in tow, rushing down the stairs, eyes puffy red, lip trembling.

“No…”Clarke first whispered to herself then one look at Raven behind Lexa mouthing a “I tried” helplessly and she knew she had to make a move. “No!” she said out loud this time. Standing in Lexa’s way.

“You can’t leave.” Clarke said.

“One of us has to. And I’m not going to throw you out of your home.” Lexa said. Trying to maintain her composure.

“Lexa, let me fix this. Let me fix us.. Please…”

Lexa rolled her eyes, feigned laughter. “Funny, I didn’t even realize we needed fixing until like, 10 minutes ago”

“We don’t. I do.” Clarke hurried to explain.

“Save it Clarke. As I said. You don’t have to explain anything to ME anymore. We’re over.” she tried once again to get around Clarke, standing in her way.

Clarke was in panic mode. She couldn’t let this happen. She would not let Lexa walk out this door. She’d do it herself if it made Lexa stay.

“Don’t Lexa, please. I’ll leave. I messed up. I’ll leave. Please.”

Lexa couldn’t look her in the eyes.

“Clarke, I’m going to say this once. If you have any amount of love and respect left for me, any… you will move out of my way and save me the pain of putting you through my wrath.”

Clarke allowed herself to really let the words sink in. pain. The last thing she wanted was to cause her lover any more pain. So she stood there, head down, crying her heart out, while Lexa moved around her and left, slamming the door, and their future behind them.

 

 

Clarke could feel nothing. She was mildly aware of Ravens arms around her, holding her real tight and repeating the words “Why’d you do it sweetie? Why?”

Raven was a good friend. Too good to be true. Raven had been there for both of them from the time they were little. From the time Clarke had fallen in love. Raven had rooted for them for all these years. She was a part of their story. And Clarke felt guilty for her pain too.

But Clarke couldn’t form words. Lexa left. She packed up her things and left. And Raven was going to follow behind her. Clarke knew that much. Clarke wanted her to follow behind her. Make sure she was okay.

“Raven… she didn’t let me explain…” Clarke mumbled.

“What did you want to tell her…” Raven said dejectedly.

Clarke looked at her blankly. Would it have mattered? Would it have made a difference?

“You weren’t going to utter a word. You’re too overwhelmed with shame right now.” Said Raven.

Raven had no filter. It was something they’d all known from the very beginning. She read things as they were, as she saw it. And Clarke was almost thankful for it right now, because even she couldn’t fathom why words were lost on her.

“Nothing you could have said right now, would have made Lexa stay. She’s hurt. She has the right to feel what she’s feeling. You need to give her space.”

Clarke was nodding, but she wasn’t sure if she was okay with all of this.

“I told her I’ll come with her. So I need to head. Hang in there and promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” Raven said while moving towards the door.

Clarke was nodding.

“I mean, it doesn’t get more stupid than this, right?” Raven said.

Clarke looked at her blankly.

“Yea, alright, sorry.” she mumbled as she left “I’ll call you.”


	7. Chapter 7

There was a loud knock on his door. Bellamy Blake was not an early riser. But when Clarke left this morning, slamming the door behind, he awoke and couldn’t go back to sleep.

He made his way to the door, opened it and almost shut it again, when he saw Lexa Woods standing before him, eyes red with rage? Hurt? Both?

“I…” he began to say.

“Don’t. Please… I’ve come for the locket she left behind.”

Bellamy noticed Clarke’s friend Raven in the hallway near the elevators.

“Yes… uhhh… I texted her this morning about it…”

“Yes. We saw your messages Mr. Blake.” replied Lexa, firmly.

Bellamy caught Raven’s eyes and she nodded to him, signalling him to not say more than needed. 

“Come in, I’ll get it for you.” he said.

“I’d rather wait out here Mr. Blake. I have a plane to catch.” Said Lexa. At that even Raven looked confused.

Bellamy turned around, retrieved the locket and handed it over to Lexa. He saw Lexa hold down a sob when she took it in her hand.

“Listen, Lexa… this doesn’t seem right. You’re leaving town? Clarke… we made a mistake… we didn’t mean…”

“It is none of your business where I’m going. And you do not get to speak on behalf of Clarke.”

“I know, but last night… she was hurting… I was drunk out of my mind… I mean, if you want to punch me right now, I wouldn’t even fight it.”

Lexa was quiet for a moment. Then she finally looked him straight in the eyes and spoke with so much confidence it almost scared him.

“I knew Clarke was hurting. So don’t make it seem like I was the clueless lover here…”

“I wasn’t…” he tried to defend.

“And you shouldn’t have been the one trying to offer her comfort even if you picked up on her hurting… that’s what I was waiting home for her for…” she continued.

“And Mr. Blake, I would never raise my hand on Clarke no matter how angry I may be. Given that you were both equally consenting in this, I have no right to raise my hand on you.”

“If Clarke reaches out to you about this locket, tell her it’s safe.” With that, Lexa turned around and started walking towards the elevators.

“I’m sorry.” He called out to her. Lexa simply looked at him blankly, then back at the locket she was ever so fond of caressing when she and Clarke made love, she pocketed it and hit the elevator button.

 

“This isn’t necessary Lexa…” Raven pleaded. Standing with Lexa outside the airport.

“No, but it is. I can’t be here, Raven.”

“She has an explanation... Don’t you want to at least hear her out?”

“I’m not ready for it. And it’s going to take me a long while to be okay about this, and until then I can’t be near her.”

“You can live with me. I’ll make sure she doesn’t reach out to you until you’re ready to face her.”

Lexa laughed sadly at that.

“Sweet Raven, you were her friend before you were mine. You should go back to her and hold her. Try and comfort her. I know she’s sorry for what she did. I’m just not ready to hear it. This, these last two weeks have torn me.”

“So that’s it, you’re just going to let 8 years of this relationship go, just like that.”

“Careful what you say Raven, I’m not the one who let it go.”

“That’s fair, I’m sorry” said Raven.

Raven’s phone began to ring. It was Clarke. Lexa looked at her own phone. 20+ missed calls from Clarke.

Lexa signalled to Raven to pick up, but not mention anything about her. Raven hit ‘speaker’.

“Raven! Where have you been? Is Lexa with you, Raven please hand her the phone, please let me talk to her, please.”

Both Raven and Lexa’s eyes began to tear up. Lexa nodded ‘no’ to her. And Raven nodded slightly and spoke, her own voice heavy with a sob.

“She’s gone Clarke…” Raven said softly.

“What? Raven, I’m not sure I heard you right...” Clarke said.

Lexa wiped furiously at her tears. This was the last she was going to hear of Clarke for a while. And she hated that it had to end this way.

Raven took a deep breath then. Trying to school her voice. “She caught a plane. She left.”

“A plane? To where? Raven tell me. I need to book the next flight…”

Lexa nodded another warning to her. “She didn’t tell me Clarke. She wouldn’t say.”

“No! Raven how could you let her go! Raven!” Clarke was a mess, she was crying bitterly. “How could you… Raven….”

Raven herself was wiping at her tears.

“Clarke, I’m coming home. Just hang in there okay.”

“No wait. Where are you… are you at the airport, I’ll be there in 20 minutes, wait where you are.”

“Clarke! She loved you.” Raven snapped this time. “You cheated on her. You’re going to have to deal.”

“Rae…” Clarke pleaded.

Lexa reached out to hold Raven. Whispering to her to hold it together.

“I’ll be home in 20 mins Clarke.” with that Raven ended the call.

Lexa pulled Raven in for a tight hug “You’ve done so much for Clarke and me. You’ve held us when we couldn’t do it ourselves. Promise me you’ll never leave Clarke to deal with her demons by herself.”

“Yea, I made that promise a long time ago, remember, your make-shift wedding on the school bleachers?”

Lexa laughed through the tears and pulled out that locket once more to stare at it. She then pocketed it again “I’ll reach out to you when I’m ready. I have your number. I’ll be deleting Clarke’s for a while”

Raven nodded, she understood.

“May we meet again, Rae.”

“May we meet again.” Raven responded. And that was it, a teary eyed Lexa left to catch the next flight to her sister. And Raven drove back to a house that would never again feel completely like home.

Raven turned her pair of keys in the door and opened it slowly. She walked inside and found Clarke curled up on her couch. She knew what she needed to do. A reflex action she had no control over whenever she saw Clarke hurting. She kicked off her shoes and scooted near Clarke, pulling her into her arms. And a quiet, blank faced Clarke began to sob violently into the crook of her neck trying to get words out between sobs

“Why’d you let her go? Why’d you let her go?”

Raven simply soothed her, hand softly moving over her blonde hair, trying to be all kinds of comfort right now. She knew that Clarke was probably asking herself that question and not really Raven. What Clarke did was wrong. And Raven couldn’t wait to hear her explanation of what happened, why it happened and how she was planning on fixing this. But right now, her friend felt broken and she wanted to be of some help. So she simply let her cry her heart out, for she had lost someone who adored her with all her being, she let go of someone who’d give her life for her. Lexa was her one and done. And whatever this was, whatever had happened, there sure as hell be a good reason.

Days and nights passed by, but Clarke was still a mess. She wouldn’t talk, she wouldn’t eat unless Raven forced her to. She saw no need to get out of bed each day, clinging to Lexa’s pillow like her life depended on it.

This wasn’t easy for Raven at all. She’d come back to Clarke’s place after a long day at work, and curl up with her at night, holding her as her body racked with sobs in the middle of the night when Clarke would wake up from yet another nightmare… sometimes even dreams of Lexa. But Clarke wouldn’t talk. Raven tried so hard to get her to say something, anything about what happened, but to no avail.

Raven almost lost her temper one evening about a month after Lexa had left, when she came home and found Clarke with a bottle of whiskey by the couch.


	8. Chapter 8

“Clarke Griffin, I cannot believe you right now”

Clarke looked up at her, really looked up into her eyes, Raven towering over her, arms crossed, anger all over her face.

“This is the whole reason you’re in this place, without Lexa. This is the reason she left you. And you have the audacity to turn back to it. Alcohol is not going to help things. You either tell me what was going through that stupid head of yours when you cheated on her, or you can happily mope around some more, but I will not tolerate you drowning your sorrows in alcohol” Raven all but yelled.

Clarke looked at her knees drawn close to her body and softly whispered.

“I haven’t opened it Rae”

Raven almost didn’t hear her, but she turned her attention to the bottle and it was in fact unopened.

Raven looked back at Clarke, “I couldn’t do it.” she said.

Raven’s eyes softened again when she saw tears flow down her eyes again.

“The pain, it’s too much, I thought I needed it to numb the pain, but nothing will help. I know it’s not going to help.”

Raven sat down beside her and pulled her into her arms.

“I’m sorry I snapped. Clarke, I’m here for you. I need you to talk to me, I can’t help you ease the pain if you don’t tell me everything that happened. It’s been a whole month and a half since she’s gone and you’ve been a mess.”

“I don’t remember so much of it” Clarke cried.

Raven kissed her temple. “It’s okay, it’s okay Clarke.”

Clarke then looked up at her and said “I’ll tell you okay… soon… I’m just… I need to wrap my head around this… Lexa… this wasn’t supposed to happen between us. We promised each other forever and I just ruined that, in one night… what was I thinking Raven!”

“This anger you feel towards yourself… it can’t be good. But I understand why it’s there.”

They were silent for a while. “You should drink, Raven. You must really be sick of me.” Clarke chuckled softly.

Raven reached out for the bottle and took a long swig and winced at the burn it left in her throat. “Damn right I am. You drove my friend away.”

Clarke stayed silent.

“I’m sorry. You know me. I have no filter.” she explained.

“I’m sorry, Rae. I know what I’ve done has affected more than just me and Lexa.”

“I’m not saying anything right now, Clarke, not until you feel comfortable enough to come clean about whatever went down that night”

Clarke hummed. Lexa leaned back on the other side of the couch and lifted her legs into Clarke’s lap, “I could do with a foot massage right about now, my period cramps have exhausted me so bad today.”

Raven closed her eyes for a second, feeling Clarke’s soft hands begin to massage her feet. It took all but 2 seconds, and Raven felt Clarke’s hands go cold.

She opened her eyes, to find Clarke’s face pale, staring blankly ahead.

“Clarke, are you okay?” she asked

Clarke then began mumbling something to herself, from the nearly visible movement of her lips, Raven guessed she seemed to be counting.

“Clarke?”

“Oh no, oh no, Oh NO!” Clarke started as a mumble at first, and then it was more of a moan of pain. She had swung Raven’s feet off her lap and rushed towards the staircase up to her room.

Raven, even though utterly confused, ran after her.

“Clarke wait up, what’s going on, are you okay?”

When she made it to Clarke and Lexa’s bedroom, she saw the bathroom door shut. Not again.

“Clarke!” open this door. What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

After multiple times of calling out to her, and receiving no movement from Clarke towards the door, Raven resigned to waiting her out. She sat on their bed and simply waited, thanking the heavens she brought the bottle up with her. She took another long swig and let it burn her insides. She’s going to hate herself tomorrow morning.

 

Lexa walked out with her luggage. And it didn’t take long to spot her sister. Long blonde tresses flying as she ran towards Lexa.

“Anya” Lexa whispered in relief. And even as Anya was approaching her, tears began to brim at her eyes. The flight was long, the wait at the airport was long, and she was never the person to break down like that in public, as much as her heart pained from what she’d left behind her. And now, seeing Anya, knowing she had someone she could open her heart to, the relief was over whelming. The minute Anya wrapped her arms around her and engulfed her in a tight long hug, Lexa broke. The tears wouldn’t stop.

Anya hadn’t noticed yet. Anya didn’t know. When Lexa called her from back at the airport, she simply told her she was coming over for a long visit. And Anya didn’t ask questions, simply told her she’s always welcome to her place.

While still holding her close and breathing her in, Anya asked her joyfully “Where’s Clarke?”

Anya now looked at Lexa, and saw it. The pain. Those green eyes had never looked so sorrowful before.

“OMG LEXA, what’s wrong?”

Lexa simply nodded, trying to fight back the tears that were flowing.

“oh baby…” Anya pulled her in for a tighter hug. Lexa had informed her a few weeks ago that Clarke was being different, they were having more fights than usual, and not simple arguments, more like they said things to each other they couldn’t take back. But Anya had no clue how bad it had become. But she knew this was not the place to ask questions.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

With that she took one of Lexa’s bags and they walked towards her car. Once they were in and driving down a long empty road towards Anya’s place, Anya caught a glance towards her right. Lexa was staring out the window. Now and then wiping tears off her face. Anya reached over and held her hand.

She couldn’t begin to wonder what went wrong. Why Lexa was so quiet. Why wasn’t Clarke with her. Her relationship with her sister had always been strong. They’d been through a number of foster homes when they were little, but once Anya was 18, she was keen on having her little sister live with her. And so she worked super hard to afford a tiny little apartment for both of them. She helped put Lexa through school, and once Lexa found Clarke, it was like Lexa was able to forget all the hardships she’d been through. Clarke was her ray of hope. Her entire life began to revolve around her.

Anya had met Clarke all but 5 times. They never spoke much. Simply Hies and Byes, nods of acknowledgement. But Anya always believed the two of them were a forever thing, no matter how intense some of their fights could get. But never, never before has Lexa ran from home, left Clarke alone. They never left each other. They always faced their problems together, looked for solutions together. This. This was new.

“I’ll explain once we’re home” came Lexa’s soft voice.

“You better.” said Anya and she continued driving on home.

Once they were back at Anya’s place. Lexa walked in and looked around, her eyes drawn to some papers on the kitchen island that Anya was reading through before she must have left to come pick her up. She caught onto the word ‘adoption’ and she had about a million questions to ask, but her body felt tired and worn and simply needing a place to sleep.

Anya hurriedly came and stood before her, realizing what Lexa’s attention had been drawn to and said “How about you go upstairs, I’ve readied the guest room for you, take a nice shower, change your clothes and come back down, I’ll get you some food.”

Lexa nodded and disappeared upstairs.

Later that night

A broken Lexa narrated the series of events that led her here, her hand clutching the locket she’s retrieved from Bellamy’s place and was now wearing around her neck.

“I can’t believe Clarke would do such a thing.” was Anya’s first words after she came through from utter shock.

Lexa simply nodded, wiping away at the tears, hating how weak she looked before her elder sister.

“I couldn’t be there, Ann. I couldn’t. I was feeling so suffocated. So…”

“No no no, you don’t have to explain to me why you came here. There’s nowhere else I’d rather you fled to.”

“Thank you” Lexa said.

Anya leaned in, kissed Lexa’s forehead and said “Finish your wine, and then head up to bed, okay. We’ll figure all of this out together.”

“I don’t know how long I’m going to need a place to stay.” Lexa said, sounding hesitant.

“You can be here forever for all I care.”

Anya got up to go retire for the night when Lexa suddenly remembered she had something to ask

“Wait Anya. Those papers I saw earlier…”

Anya smiled. “It’s nothing. I was just curious is all”

Lexa nodded.


	9. Chapter 9

4 years later…

  
“Madi, come here”

5 year old Madi who’d run towards the window to see if her school bus was here yet, came back towards where her mom was standing near the kitchen counter.

Lexa leaned down, and kissed her forehead.

“Promise me you’re going to be at your best behaviour this year at camp”

“I will, mom. Trust me.”

“I do.” Lexa kissed her forehead and Madi gave her a tight hug.

“Well well, why wasn’t I invited for this massive love fest” came Anya’s voice.

Madi laughed. “Of course you’re invited too Aunt Anya” she said

“Come here you little munchkin!” Anya carried her in her arms spinning her around a few times. “God! You’re getting heavier each time.”

Madi chuckled.

Just then they heard the bus honking from outside. “I have to go now. Put me down.” Madi said excitedly.

“But I don’t want to let you go!” Anya played around. Lexa laughed.

“But I have to go. There’s a new bunch of 4 year olds from the nearing town joining us this year and I’ve been elected a volunteer to make them feel at home.” Madi said proudly.

“Okay okay” Anya let her down and she ran to kiss Lexa’s cheek “Bye mommy, I’ll see you in 2 days.”

Madi put on her bag and ran out towards the bus. But Lexa noticed her stop all of a sudden about 3 steps away from the bus, she looked thoughtful. She ran back towards Lexa standing at the door, and then ran past her into the house.

“What’s wrong sweetie?” Lexa worried.

She hardly made it to the staircase when she heard Madi’s footsteps running down the staircase, seemingly have retrieved what she returned to get.

“I forgot this” she said as she held out the pendant her mother had gifted her when she was 4.

Lexa’s heart felt funny. This pendant had so many memories locked inside it. Madi had no clue. All she was allowed to know was that it was a very important piece of jewellery for Lexa, and Madi was entrusted to always keep it safe. Lexa never opened the locket and Madi was oblivious to the fact that it even was a locket in the first place.

Lexa smiled and took it from her, made her turn around, and effortlessly hooked the chain behind her neck.

“Go. You’re perfect” she said to her little one.

Madi grinned from ear to ear and ran out.

As the bus left, Anya came and stood by Lexa’s side and spoke “One day she’s going to open that locket and bombard you with questions.”

Lexa’s smile faded. She thought to herself for a moment. “Well, then let’s hope I figure out the answers before that day comes.” Lexa walked back into their home.

“You should call her. Or at least reach out to that friend of yours, what’s her name, Raven?”

Lexa thought for a moment.

Anya saw this as progress. It had been around 4 years now since Lexa had left her life in Washington DC behind. She was practicing law here now, in New York. In the first two years, bringing up the subject of Clarke was like asking for hell to reign down on you. These days however, Lexa seems to be listening at least.

“Weren’t you and Raven pretty good friends?”

“We were” she said, then corrected herself “are…” She continued … “I think” Lexa said.

“It’s not going to kill you to make one phone call, sweetie.”

“I’m not ready to hear about Clarke.” Lexa admitted out loud. But Anya knew, deep down, she wondered what her ex-partner’s life’s been like after she left.

Had she moved on? Had she found another? Was it Bellamy? Did she love him? All of these questions haunted her at night. Anya had been woken by her nightmares sometimes. Lexa has always talked in her sleep. There have been nights where she seems to be having arguments with Clarke. Some nights she’s weeping before her. But this last year it had gotten better. There were no more nightmares.

“You don’t need to hear about her. Simply pick up the phone and ask Raven how she is.”

“I’ll think about it, okay?” said Lexa and then walked on to the kitchen to get lunch prepared.

 

“Hi there, my name is Madi”

The little blonde boy from the new group of 4 year olds seemed oblivious to the hand held out in front of him. His attention was on the sketch pad he carried along with him for this trip. His momma told him that if he ever felt nervous or out of place, to take it out of his bag and start drawing. And so he was doing exactly that.

“Hey…” the girl’s voice sounded again. He hesitantly looked up at her.

“My name is Madi” she said once again, with her hand held out in offer for him to maybe shake.

“Hi” came his small, meek voice. And then he looked back down into his book and started drawing.

Madi took her hand back and thought for a moment. “You’re going to miss out on a whole lot of fun, if you keep hiding in your sketchpad” she said.

The boy looked up at her.

“Come on, let’s go join the others. We can play lots of games and have lots of fun.”

“I don’t want to play games” he said.

“Then what do you want to do buddy” Madi asked him.

“I want to go back home to my momma.” he said.

Madi thought for a moment, and then, heaven knows what made her do what she did next, but she knelt before the little boy and said “You know, when I was your age, my mommy gave me something and told me, that if I ever miss her, all I had to do was close my eyes and hold on tight to it, and immediately by some magic force, I wouldn’t feel so bad anymore. Do you want to try it too? It might just work?”

The boy nodded. Madi reached around her neck and took off her locket. She put it around his neck and he stared at it in awe.

“It’s pretty” he whispered as his tiny little finger traced over the word ‘Always’ engraved on it.

“It’s special. Now try it.” She said excitedly. And so he did what he was told. Closed his eyes and all he could see in his head now was his mommy’s blues eyes before he left for the trip. “Promise me you’ll have fun okay? Don’t be shy to make new friends and don’t be shy to look up from your book once in a while.”

He opened his eyes to see Madi smiling brightly back at him “Did it work?” she asked expectantly.

He nodded excitedly in the affirmative, chuckling with her. “Awesome. I’ll let you hold on to that for me for today, as long as you come with us now to play” she said.

“Alright, let’s go” he said as he rose from his seat and ran outdoors with Madi to where the other camp kids were playing.

“Aden. My name’s Aden.” he said as he ran alongside Madi.

Breathlessly, she laughed. “Well it was about time you told me your name.”

 

Anya came home from work that day to find Lexa typing away on her laptop, lost in studying one of her own cases. She had big news to give Lexa and she wasn’t quite sure if Lexa was ready to hear it yet. Regardless, tonight was the night to tell her, and she didn’t want to waste any more time.

She kicked her shoes off and walked on over to the other side of the couch and sat there.

“Lex, do you have a minute?”

Lexa almost didn’t catch the nervous tone in her voice. Almost. She looked up at Anya and saw in her eyes, something was up. She closed her laptop screen and said

“Yea, tell me, what’s up?”

“Okay, you’re not going to be happy with what I have to say.”

“Okayyyy… go on.”

“But it’s important that you listen to me, and consider what I have to say anyway. You don’t need to answer me now. You can think about it and tell me by the end of this week too. But it’s really all for the better”

“All of this is just sounding too vague to me Anya, just spill”

“I’ve got an offer for a new job”

“What?! Wow! That’s great news! Congratulations!” Lexa said

“In New York…” Anya continued. And it took all but 2 seconds for Lexa’s demeanour to change.

“That’s... wow… that’s brilliant news! When do you start?”

“Okay now hear me out carefully. This place here in Washington we’ve made our home? It’s lent to me by my current employers.” She continued as realization dawned on Lexa on what that means. “That means, when I’m done with my notice period, we will have to move out, and clear out this house for the next person who will fill my spot in this organisation.”

“I get it… that’s okay… we can look for another place…” Lexa said

“No, please hear me out completely. I’ve already got a plan.” Anya insisted. “My new employer has arranged a place for me in New York, however, it’s enough for just one person to live. So I thought to myself, what about you and Madi, where will you guys stay?”

“Anya, you don’t need to worry about us, I’ll just look out for a new place here in Washington.”

“And have my sister and niece so far away from me?. No way, I want you in New York too.”

Lexa sighed. “Anya, you know I’m not ready to be back there.”

“But why not? It’s been 4 whole years Lexa. That place is your home. Clarke and you, you bought that place together. Both of you turned it into a home.”

Anya didn’t miss the way Lexa flinched at the sound of her ex-lover’s name. It was all still so raw for her.

“Just, come with me to New York, meet Raven, meet Clarke, and if there’s anything to be salvaged of your relationship, I’d say pick up where you’ll left off. You’ll had something so special Lex, what’s the harm in checking if there’s still something there.”

“She cheated on me, Anya!”

“I KNOW! But don’t you think 4 years of you going incognito would have been ample amount of punishment for her. Hell I can see it’s enough for you.”

“There’s no guarantee that she felt punished. For all we know maybe she moved on. Maybe she and Bellamy built a life together.”

“I highly doubt it baby, and even if she did, Clarke knows better than to use a home you two loved and built yourselves to live a life with someone else. Either ways, co-habituating with her will at least let me have you and Madi near me. You could pay her rent. You’ll don’t need to be lovers to be living together. Fact is, it’s a huge home that’s still partly on your name. You have the right to live there.”

“This is all too much Anya”

“I know” she said as she scooted closer and gave Lexa a hug. She kissed in her hair and said “I’m sorry for springing this up on you so suddenly, but I do believe it’s time you faced your fears. And I don’t want to be far away from you or that little munchkin of yours. You guys are everything to me. Just promise me you’ll give it some thought”

“Okay… I will”

Anya smiled.


	10. Chapter 10

That night, Lexa opened up a chat window she’d been ignoring in the first few months that it kept lighting up with texts.

Then the texts came after longer intervals. Her birthday, Christmas, thanksgiving. Then this year, they just stopped coming in all together. Lexa finally began to type back tonight.

“Hi Raven J Are you up?”

“Holy shit! Thank heavens! Girl, you’re alive!!!” came Raven’s reply.

“Classic Raven reaction. I’ve missed you” Lexa typed and sent.

“Then come home.” came Raven’s immediate reply.

“So much has changed, Rae” she replied.

“Here too. But not what we feel about you.” The words were meant to hold so much. Lexa refused to let it get to her. Instead she decided to type out a little disclaimer.

“I know it’s been a while. But I don’t think I’m completely ready to address everything about what I left behind. I hope that’s fine with you. I wouldn’t like to talk about certain things and certain people.” said Lexa.

“I understand…I think.” came Raven’s reply.

“Thank you.” Lexa smiled sadly as she turned in her bed. She looked at the time, it was 10 pm. Madi must be asleep at her camp.

“How have you been Raven? Are you still working at the same place?” she continued to catch up with her long lost friend. Raven too kept the conversation going around her work, her rent, the latest gossip on the streets, a little news about marriages and kids amongst a few of their mutual friends. But neither of them brought up Clarke.

“I have a daughter, Raven. Her name’s Madi” Lexa typed and hit send. And then soon after, she sent  Madi’s photo, one they had clicked right before Madi left for the camp that morning.

Lexa waited as she saw the three dots to indicate Raven was typing. But the dots kept appearing, then disappearing. Then they would bob up and down for a long while and then disappear again. Clearly, Raven was at a loss for words at Lexa’s revelation and Lexa now began to worry.

“She’s beautiful, Lex” came Raven’s reply then.

“Rae, you were typing for 15 minutes. What is it you’re not saying?”

Lexa had always admired the fact that Raven was as blunt as it gets. She would always say what’s on her mind. And right now, she wanted that Raven to speak her mind.

“She looks so… extraordinary… There’s something about her eyes. They’re familiar. Anyway, I take it you’re seeing someone then?”

Lexa stared at that last bit. And immediately replied

“No no, there’s no one in my life right now. I adopted Madi when she was one year old.”

“Alright that makes sense. Wait, so you’ve been with no one… ever since…”

“Rae… I’d prefer not to talk about this yet.”

“Of course of course. Anyway listen I’ve got to go, can I call you tomorrow? Can I trust that you won’t go MIA on me all over again?” came Raven’s reply.

“I promise. I’ll be right here. No more MIA.” Promised Lexa.

“Great. Goodnight Lex. I’m so happy you finally reached out.”

“Goodnight Raven. I’m glad I did this too. But do me a favour, let’s keep this between us, please.”

“Sure. Right. Yea” came Raven’s reply.

 

Clarke was up early today, even though she had no reason to be. Aden was out of town. She didn’t have to be at the gallery today. She could have easily slept the day in. But her eyes shot open at 7 am out of habit, and she couldn’t bring herself to fall asleep after that. So here she was, for once allowing herself to whip up a good breakfast even though it was just going to be her.

Hold that thought. She heard the lock in the door turn and in came Raven, dressed for work, looking smart as ever.

“To what do I owe the pleasure? Raven Reyes visiting me before work? Is it the end of the world?”

Raven sat across from her on one of the stools by the kitchen island. And that’s when Clarke noticed her demeanour.

“Rae? Are you alright?”

Raven looked up at her then, “huh?”

“Which world are you in?” Clarke asked.

“uhh… nothing… got some food for me?” she asked trying to change the subject. But Clarke was not going to let it go. Raven was usually a very open person. The last time she acted this way was in high school when she was asked to keep a secret from Clarke.

Clarke served her some waffles and watched as Raven stuffed her mouth with food, still not making eye contact.

“Raven, what are you keeping from me?”

“Keeping from you? I’m not keeping anything from you. Why would I keep anything from you? You’re my best friend, Clarke, I could never keep anything from you.” she mumbled with her mouth still full.

 Clarke laughed, but then began to worry.

Something was clearly bothering Raven, and she felt she couldn’t tell Clarke right now. But Raven DID come over at 8 am, before work to her place, so she must feel guilty for holding something in. she decided there was only one thing she could do.

She reached out and placed her hand on Raven’s. Raven finally looked up at her.

“Hey, whatever it is, tell me in your own time. Whenever you think it’s appropriate, alright?”

Raven nodded. She then did something that was so unlike her. She got up from her seat, came around the island and pulled Clarke into a tight embrace.

“This morning keeps getting weirder.” Clarke exclaimed even as she hugged Raven tighter. Next thing she knew Raven mumbled ‘Thanks for breakfast’ and hurried out the door for a new day at work.

“Have a nice day, honey?” Clarke teased.

Raven flipped her the finger, and closed the door behind her.

 

It was lunch time now, and Raven decided what better time to call Lexa and catch up on 4 years of lost time.

The phone rang 5 times before Lexa finally picked up, and Raven’s heartbeat was already racing, knowing she was going to be hearing this voice after 4 whole years.

“Raven!”

“Lex! Hi!”

Lexa chuckled, and the laughter was so pure, it was like time travelling back to their days at high school.

“Is this a good time to talk?” Raven asked.

“Raven, don’t you go around getting all formal with me. I know it’s been a while, but it’s still me and hopefully, you’re still you.”

“As me as I could be without you around”

“I’ll make up for it, I promise” Lexa said with a smile. “So what are you doing? Is it lunch time already?”

“Uhh, yea, I mean, I got an early start to my day today, had to stop by at Clar… at a friend’s place before work so…”

Lexa didn’t miss the slip, but she chose to not think too much of it.

“What’s Madi up to?” Raven asked

“Oh she’s not at home. She had a school camp for 2 days, so she should return this evening.”

This got Raven thinking. And thinking real hard. But before she could voice any of her questions, she was distracted with a voice from Lexa’s home.

“No no, it’s Raven” Lexa was telling the third person.

“Yea yea, gloat all you want.” Lexa told the person.

“Who’s that?” asked Raven.

“Sorry, that’s just my sister, Anya. Have you met her before?”

“I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure, but I’ve heard about her, definitely.”

Lexa chuckled. “Yea.,. Well she’s been hounding me to call you for months, reminding me that I should stay in touch with the one friend I have”

Raven laughed loud and hard at this “Well she does have a point. What if I stared hating you?”

“Would you ever?” Lexa asked seriously

Raven thought about it for a second “Nah” she said and they laughed. Once again Anya was mumbling something from the other end and Raven couldn’t quite understand why she was so interested to know what that voice was saying, there was something about Anya’s voice, it was just so, alluring.

“I’m putting you on speaker, Rae, for some reason Anya feels the need to butt into our conversation” Lexa said, her tone mixed with irritation and jest.

“Hi Raven” came the voice more clearly now.

“Hi, Anya. Hi.”

There was silence between the two of them then. And Lexa butted in.

  
“That’s it? That’s what you wanted to say to my friend Raven?”

“uhh.. no… I had more to say, but I’ve forgotten”

Raven understood the feeling, because suddenly her throat felt dry too. “Anya, that’s okay… so how are you doing? Does Lexa bother you much?”

“Oh she can be a handful. 4 years ago I would have liked a warning that she was coming back into my life and bringing one little angel with her too. I can’t get enough of that little rascal now.”

Raven laughed “the more I hear about Madi, the more I want to meet her.”

“Soon” Lexa said and at the same time Anya spoke “Come over”

Raven laughed. Lexa continued “I think what Anya means is you are always welcome to our home Raven, but we may be coming to New York soon.”

“What! That’s great!” Raven exclaimed excitedly.

 “Lexa may come live with Clarke again” Anya said

“Wait what?! NO! Anya no. Raven, don’t listen to her. Nothing of the sort is happening.”

Raven’s heartbeat was racing again. She wasn’t sure what to feel about it all, Lexa coming back to New York, but not wanting to be near Clarke. It was understandable, but would Clarke understand when the time came. 

“Raven? You there?” Lexa asked.

“Yes yes, I’m still here”

“Yea, as I was saying. I’m not living in anyone’s home. I will be looking out for a place of our own, for Madi and I to live in.”

“But that’s going to take you time” Anya argued. “Until then, I’m sure Clarke won’t have a problem having you stay over”

Raven could see what Anya was trying to do. She wondered later if she should talk to Anya separately to get her point of view on things. Who better would know everything Lexa isn’t saying than her own sister, right?

“That’s not up for discussion, Anya. It’s final.” Lexa said, now sounding highly frustrated.

 “When will you guys be coming down?” Raven asked.

“Sometime next week” Anya said.

 


	11. Chapter 11

It was Friday night, and Raven was sitting on one end of the couch with Aden, reading to him from one of his books. Clarke was in the kitchen making them dinner. Raven would often spend the weekends with them at their home, she simply loved Aden, having helped Clarke raise him so far, and he in turn was extremely fond of her. ‘Aunt Rae rae’ he called her with affection.

Raven was alerted of a text on her phone then. It was Lexa, she held it up and read in her mind. 

“Raven. I’m a mess. For some reason there’s no place available for Madi and I to rent out in this short a notice. There’s this one good place, but the landlord says I can only have it after a month. And we gotta vacate this place this weekend.”

Raven looked down at Aden, cuddled into her side, playing with the corner of the pages. “Hold on buddy, I just got to reply to a few texts”

“Clarke is not going to deny you your own home. Just come here” she replied to Lexa.

“I know she won’t. I just don’t know if we’re ready to see each other yet” came Lexa’s honest reply.

“I don’t know about you, but she’s been waiting 4 years.”

Raven could almost image Lexa’s tired sigh, and how she would go deep in thought for a few minutes right about now. But she also knew, being a mother now, Lexa had more to think about than just herself.

“Alright, could you ask her for me? Tonight? I’m assuming you’re at her place.”

“I am, she’s in the kitchen, making dinner.” Raven replied

“So can you?”

“I will”

“And let me know if she’s fine with it”

“FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME LEX, SHE WILL BE HAPPY TO HAVE YOU HOME”

“Okay okay… just keep me posted.”

 

“Who’s Lexa, Aunt Rae Rae?” came Aden’s voice.

Raven gasped, and then covered his tiny little mouth. She looked around and confirmed that Clarke was in fact still in the kitchen and dancing around to her shuffle playlist while she cooked.

“Where did you learn to read like that?” Raven scolded.

“I know some words” he said with a grin.

Raven looked around once more and then whispered to him. “Okay bud, this is going to be our little secret okay. You cannot tell mommy.”

The thought of sharing a secret with his aunt and being able to keep something away from his mom thrilled him to another level.  He nodded excitedly.

“Lexa is a code word okay?” she said to him.

“Okay. Lexa.” He repeated. “What does it mean?” he asked innocently.

Raven softened. She thought for a while.

“Strength. That’s what it means.” She said and she kissed atop his blonde head.

“Strength” he repeated. “Lexa” he allowed himself to feel the word on his tongue and he quite liked it.

“But this word stays between us okay. You cannot use it in front of momma.”

“I won’t. I promise” he said. And Raven smiled.

Dinner was simple. Raven and Clarke catching up on each other’s day, Aden still rambling about his amazing trip the school had taken them to. Clarke tucked him in for the night, then came downstairs and poured herself and Raven some wine and they sat on the couch with the intention to just relax, unwind and settle into the weekend vibe.

But Raven had an agenda now, and she needed to finally get this off her chest.

“…and I kept telling him I needed the painting to be vertical, but he insisted it looked better horizontal and honestly, I’m so tired of handy-men thinking they have a say in my paintings..”

“Clarke, Lexa’s coming back to New York.” Raven blurted out all of a sudden after a few sips of wine.

Clarke starred at her blankly. Suddenly all the colour ran out from her face, she was paler then ever and Raven felt the need to keep both their wine glasses down for a sec. she scooted closer to Clarke.

“Now is not the time to pass out okay, you’ve got to really listen to me carefully.”

“She’s been talking to you?” Clarke asked, not a sign of disbelief on her face, and that scared Raven the most, this expressionless Clarke. Cause you couldn’t read her in moments like this.

“She reached out to me a week ago.” Raven said truthfully.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Clarke asked.

“She insisted I keep it between us…”

Clarke looked down at her hands for a moment. Letting that sink in. After 4 whole years of being apart, Lexa probably still hated her.

“Where is she?” came Clarke’s small voice, her eyes not meeting Raven’s.

“She’s with Anya”

Clarke nodded. She’d known that was a possibility. She was just too scared to approach them. Anya probably hated her more than Lexa did. She’d made promises to Anya. Promises bigger than the ones she’d made to Lexa.

“Clarke, she’s moving back to New York and needs a place to stay. This house belongs to the both of you, but she still asked me to ask you if it’s fine if she lives here for a month.” said Raven softly.

Clarke finally looked up, and Raven saw blue eyes that resembled the ocean like never before, because tonight they were brimming with tears.

“She’s not coming home for good?” Clarke had to ask, she knew it was a long shot. The possibility of Lexa coming back home to her, to her old life was too good a dream to be true. But she needed to hear it from Raven. Raven, who’d been in touch with her all this while.

“Clarke, we haven’t spoken much. From what I know she’s been looking for a place and she won’t get one until a month or so, and so she needs somewhere to stay until then. She and Madi…”

Clarke’s heart began to race. She began to breathe really hard. Raven corrected herself as soon as she realized the conclusions Clarke was probably drawing in her own head from just a name.

“No, no… Madi’s her daughter… her adopted daughter” she said as she reached out and quickly held on to Clarke’s shoulders needing her to pay close attention.

“She adopted…” Clarke said, more telling herself than asking Raven.

“Yes… I’m telling you everything I know. She adopted her when she was 1. She’s 5 years old now. And she looks extraordinary Clarke” Raven smiled.

“You’ve seen her?” Clarke asked.

“She sent me an image”

“Okay” Clarke was silent now. Too silent.

“You’re fine with this right? Lexa living here again… for a month…”

“Of course I’m fine with it Raven… I just don’t think I’ll be able to live through seeing her leave again.” she said and Raven completely understood.

“Did you mention Aden?” Clarke asked, suddenly realizing what it would mean when Lexa meets Aden for the first time.

“No, she… she didn’t want me to talk about you Clarke…”

Clarke sighed.

“Clarke you have to understand, she’s not ready to see you or to forget everything that happened. Desperate times have called for desperate measures and so she’s coming home.”

“IT’S BEEN 4 YEARS RAVEN! ISN’T THAT ENOUGH TIME?! WE PROMISED EACH OTHER FOREVER. I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE BUT I’VE HAD TO FACE MY DEMONS ALONE FOR IT.” Clarke snapped at Raven.

Raven simply reached out and pulled her in for a hug. “Then this is it Clarke, you have this month to show her how sorry you are, 30 days to show her how much you still love, care for and adore her. And you have Aden. Maybe you’ll finally get to explain to her why things happened the way they did the last 2 weeks you guys were together. Maybe she’ll hear you out… just… be patient with her Clarke…”

Clarke let the tears fall. She buried her face in Raven’s shoulder and cried. “She has to be ready to listen, you can’t force her to. It’s not going to be easy. From what I’ve gathered this last week, it’s all pretty raw for her, still.”

“When will she be here?” Clarke slowly pulled away and asked Raven.

“Okay… about that...”Raven looked nervous and wasn’t willing to meet Clarke’s eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

“What is it? What aren’t you telling me?” Clarke asked suspiciously.

“They’ll be here tomorrow evening” Raven said.

Clarke shot up from her seat on the couch.

“WHAT!” she exclaimed.

“It’s alright, I’ll help you set the place up. I’ve asked for a leave from work tomorrow. I’ll be right here with you. We just need to clear out the guest room”

“Which is a day’s job in itself Rae!”

“I know I know…”

“How are we going to have the whole place ready for her and Madi in time, plus I’ve got to take Aden to his karate classes and get him back in the afternoon, I’ll need to pick up groceries for 2 more humans, and I’ll need to have a nice dinner ready for them tomorrow…”

“Shhhhh” Raven stopped her. “I’m here. We’ll divide and rule. We’ve got this. Okay? Trust me. Deep breaths..” she said as she stood up and held on tight to Clarke’s shoulders.

“Deep breaths” she repeated.

 

“Deep breaths Lexa, deep breaths... breathe with me…” Anya whispered into Lexa’s ear as she held her tight. They were on the kitchen floor now.

Just a few minutes earlier, Lexa had received a text from Raven saying “Talked to Clarke. All’s good. Home will be ready for you when you guys arrive tomorrow.”

And Lexa had smiled while reading it out loud to Anya who was sitting across from her on the dining table. She was still smiling to herself when she stood up to go keep her empty wine glass in the sink, when it hit her.

She was going to see Clarke tomorrow.

She stood still in place.

“Lexa?” came Anya’s voice from behind her. “Are you okay?”

“We’re going to see Clarke tomorrow.” She repeated to herself.

Anya stood up and approached her carefully.

“Yes, that’s the plan… you’re okay with that right?” Anya tried to talk to her.

“We’re going to see Clarke tomorrow.” She said more softly now and then she turned around and looked at Anya.

“Clarke…we’re going… I’m going to see her tomorrow…She…”

Anya saw it the moment panic reached Lexa’s eyes. She quickly took the glass from her hand, kept it aside and reached out to Lexa, who backed up towards the kitchen island and then couldn’t hold herself up anymore.

She kept mumbling the words to herself, really letting it sink in.  She was going to come face to face with Clarke after 4 long painful years. The same Clarke she’s never been able to stop loving, the same Clarke who cheated on her, the same Clarke who’d promised her a forever.

“Breathe with me Lexa…”Anya instructed, and Lexa realized it’s been about 10 minutes they’ve been wrapped up like this on the kitchen floor. Her breathing had come back to normal, but the anxiousness was ever present.

“Listen to me, Lexa. You may hate Clarke…”

“I can’t hate her” came Lexa’s hasty reply, one that surprised Anya and herself too.

“Okay… you may not be ready to see her, but now is as good a time as any. It’s been 4 years, it’s time you two faced each other and at least talked it out. Give her a chance to explain herself. You don’t need to forgive her, but you can at least try to be civil around each other.”

“How do I explain all of this to Madi?”

“Madi doesn’t need to know all of it yet. You can simply say you two used to be best friends. It is the best truth you can give her right now. She has no clue who Clarke is…was to you. Maybe someday you can tell her, but for now, this should be enough.”

Lexa sighed. Anya was right. 30 days. She can go through 30 days of living with Clarke again, maybe they could come to some sort of agreement. Maybe they can look each other in the eyes without pain or hate. But she’ll never know until she tries. It was going to be hard, but she needed to do this. Maybe it would help her move on.

 

Raven woke up the next morning to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. She reached out for her phone and saw it was 7 am. She sat up. Wrapped her blanket around her shoulders and walked towards the kitchen. Through one opened eye she stared at Clarke’s back. She had just showered, changed into comfy clothing and was pouring herself a mug of coffee.

“It’s 7 am on a Saturday” she mumbled, and Clarke turned around, startled.

“OMG! Don’t ever creep up on me like that” she said.

“It’s me, Griffin. What do you expect?” she said as she sat on one of the bar stools, now noticing the bags under Clarke’s eyes.

“Did you get any sleep?” she asked the blonde.

Clarke looked up from her mug and shook her head in the negative.

“What kept you up?” Raven asked.

“What I did to Lexa, it’s unforgivable. I don’t know where I get off thinking I can expect her to come back into our lives, forgive me and love me again.”

Even as she said it, she was choking up, finding it harder to get the words out.

Raven sighed. She hurt for her friends. They were both in a terrible place in their minds even after all these years. Anya had texted her last night telling her about Lexa’s little anxiety attack. They were both equally nervous about tonight.

“I’m not going to deny, what happened all these years ago was wrong, and Lexa didn’t deserve that. But I have faith that a love like what you two once shared, that kind of thing just doesn’t disappear off the face of the earth. It’ll take time, and work and so much communication. But I have faith she’ll see you. And you’ll make it up to her.” Raven assured.

Clarke nodded her head and took a deep breath. She wondered what she did to deserve a friend like Raven in her life. Just then, a sleepy Aden came downstairs, and just like Raven, he had wrapped himself up in his blanket.

“Hey there little man” Raven said to him as he rubbed his eyes and climbed up onto one of the stools right next to Raven.

Clarke looked at the two of them, both cozy in their blankets, hair messed up, eyes half opened from wanting to sleep some more.

“I really wonder sometimes how he’s my son and not yours. You two could fool anyone.”

Raven laughed out loud at that. Aden had picked up quite a few of her mannerisms. She ruffled his hair a bit and kissed atop his hair. He would finally be meeting Lexa today. She wondered how Lexa would react once Clarke told her. She wondered if Clarke had planned out how she was going to tell her. They had so much to talk about. And there was so much room for misunderstanding if it didn’t come out right.

“Why are we all up so early?” he whined.

“Because… Aunt Rae rae and I have a lot of things to do today” Clarke explained to him.

“Why?”

“Sweetheart, a friend of ours is coming over to stay for a month” Raven explained. Clarke allowed herself to digest this new term they were using to refer to Lexa. ‘friend’.

“Who?” he asked.

“Her name’s Lexa, baby” Clarke said. And Aden’s eyes opened wide and he looked at Raven.

Clarke looked at them confused.

“Lexa” he repeated to himself, but looking at Raven for some sort of sign. Raven tried to act normal. Like she hadn’t already mentioned the name to him the earlier night.

 “Yes, Lexa. And her 5 year old daughter too”

“Aright” he said with a smile. Clarke found his reaction strange, but she let it go. She turned around to start with breakfast and that’s when Raven looked at him and whispered Ï thought we agreed you’d act like you don’t know the word ‘Lexa’ in front of mommy.

“You never said anything about her being Momma’s friend’

“Okay, I may have not told you everything. My apologies Mr Griffin. But now you know. And our deal sticks”

He nodded and quickly turned back ahead to act normal when Clarke turned back around to face them.

“Sweetheart, go upstairs and get in the shower, I’ll be right there. We can’t be late for Karate today” she said as she stared at the time on her phone.

“Alright momma.” He said. Raven kissed his head once more and he got up off his seat and went upstairs.

“Have you thought about how you’re going to tell Lexa about him?”

“No” said Clarke. “I mean… of course I have. I’ve been rehearsing it for 4 years in my head. But I don’t know what reaction to expect from her.” she said as she stared blankly ahead.

Raven reached out and touched her hand, bringing her attention back to the present.

“The lesser you worry and overthink, the better. Let’s just ‘do’ today… okay? Whatever needs to happen, will happen” Raven said to her.

“Yea” she nodded.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Lexa stood before the door. The door to a place she once called home. A door to which she’s always had the keys, but yet here she was, knowing she’d rather knock. She took a deep breath. Anya had kept reminding her on their way here. Deep breaths. It’s okay. So what if they’d had 4 years of a gap between them to catch up on, so what if the reason was that Clarke cheated on her, it was a long time ago and they need to move past it.

She took another steadying breath, and that’s when she felt a small hand reach into her palm.

“Are you okay, mommy?”

Just the feeling of her daughters hand in hers was enough to calm her down. Lexa smiled.

“Yes, honey. I am” she said. She lifted Madi’s hand up to kiss it, and looked behind to see Anya right behind her, encouraging her on with a nod, and then she finally knocked on that all too familiar door.

 

The knock on the door was loud and much awaited. Clarke stood up from where she was seated on the couch with Raven and Aden. Raven stood up too, but just to squeeze Clarke’s hands before urging her forward.

Clarke pulled open the door and green eyes met blue. The feeling that over took her was just like the one she felt when she first laid eyes on Lexa when they were in school.

It took over her body in a way that she lost control over her senses. She couldn’t move. Her eyes were fixed on Lexa’s and Lexa’s were fixed on hers.

“Hi… Clarke.”

Clarke stood there speechless. Registering that Lexa’s lips had moved, Lexa’s lips had said her name. But that’s all that she could do. Process the fact that Lexa had said her name. The sound was so familiar. Suddenly it didn’t matter that 4 years had passed since she last heard it, because it sounded just the same rolling off Lexa’s tongue.

She suddenly felt a nudge from behind her. Raven. Right yes. She had to say something.

“Lexa… Hi”

They stood there in silence for a few seconds until Raven had to intervene.

“It’s so good to see you” she said as she walked passed Clarke, and threw her arms around Lexa, embracing her with all her love. And Clarke simply watched the exchange. She watched Lexa close her eyes and smile as she hugged an old friend. And Clarke wondered if it was her place yet, if she could have the privilege of embracing Lexa yet. But she didn’t want to take the chance of upsetting her, and so she stood silently watching them chuckle at the reunion. Raven invited them in. Clarke wanted to slap herself. She was being a horrible host.

Her eyes met Anya’s as they walked in. Anya smiled. And she reached out and squeezed Clarkes arm in acknowledgement. There was a hint of a smile too. Clarke took it. She followed them in when Lexa turned around and said

“Where are my manners, everyone, meet Madi, my daughter.”

And that’s when Clarke actually noticed the little human being beside Lexa, she was holding Lexa’s hand. And she was the most beautiful being, second to only Lexa in the room.

“Madi” Clarke whispered to herself as she stared at the little brunette girl, her eyes were a light shade, but she couldn’t tell if they were leaning more towards grey, green or blue. She had long, hair, that resembled Lexa’s so much, no one would think she was adopted. A genuine smile reached Clarke’s lips.

“Say Hi to everyone, Madi” Lexa said.

“Hi! You’re all my mom’s friends?”

Lexa was about to say something, when Raven interrupted.

“You got that right, kiddo” she walked forward and leaned down before her and said “I’m Raven, and that’s Clarke, and we’ve know your mommy since she was really little.” She said with a warm smile.

“Really? Awesome!” she said with a huge grin, as she looked at Raven and then beyond her at Clarke. “Nice to meet you Raven and Clarke.”

“Honey you can’t call them by their names, they’re so much elder to you.” Lexa explained.

“No no, it’s fine, I don’t mind it one bit. I’m sure Clarke doesn’t either.” said Raven and they turned to look at Clarke, and this was the second time Lexa’s eyes met Clarkes.

“Of course, I don’t mind” she said. Still trying to wrap her mind around the fact that Lexa was here. With her daughter. She was finally home. 

“I don’t think we’ve ever met before” came Anya’s voice as she stepped forward to meet Raven.

Raven held out her hand.

“Anya, this is Raven, you guys have spoken over call but now you can finally put a face to the voice” Lexa said as she introduced them.

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you” Anya said as she shook Raven’s hand, holding it a little longer than necessary

“The pleasure’s mine” said Raven, her eyes not leaving Anya’s for a while even after their hands moved apart.

“So I guess introductions are over…” began Lexa, trying to move the conversation along when they heard small feet running down the staircase. Lexa turned around to see blonde hair whoosh past her and it took her a moment to realize that there was a little blonde boy in their midst.

“Aden, what did I tell you about running down the stairs?!” came Clarke’s immediate reaction, forgetting for a moment that Lexa was seeing this little man for the very first time.

“MADI! You forgot to take this back from me at camp. And then I didn’t know how to find you so I just kept it with me, because I know you said it was important to you.”

All the adults in the room, stood by watching the exchange with shock. In Aden’s hand was a dainty little necklace with a locket on it.

Every adult in the room recognized it at once. Clarke stood there with her hand over her mouth after she gasped out loud.

Lexa could have sworn her heart was racing twice as bad as it was when she just got here.

“OMG, I thought I had lost it. I totally forgot I had given it to you.” Madi replied as she took the necklace and put it round her neck.

“So you live here?” Madi asked, shocked that she would run into someone from camp here.

“Yes” he said with his toothy grin.

“Woah woah woah. Hold up little man.” Raven said as she knelt down beside both the kids

“You’ll have met before?” Raven asked out loud, the question everyone was thinking.

“YES!” they squealed in excitement. “At camp, Aunt Rae Rae” Aden said.

Lexa let herself understand that this little boy addressed Raven as ‘Aunt Rae Rae’

“And Madi gave you her necklace to keep?” Raven asked Aden.

“Yes, for a day. Cause I was scared and nervous and she told me this necklace has special powers.”

“Oh, it does ha?” Raven asked, amused by their exchange. And for the third time that day, Clarke’s eyes met Lexa’s. But Lexa quickly looked away, her eyes glued to the little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes, as blue as the sky.

“It really did. The minute I put it on I felt better.” Said Aden.

“Oh baby” Raven couldn’t take it any longer, she pulled Aden in for a tight hug. She knew what that necklace meant to Lexa and Clarke. And to know now that their kids had met before, and had exchanged the same necklace that meant so much to their parents, it hit her like a wrecking ball. She realized she had to pull herself together. At least for Clarke’s sake. Now was the moment Clarke needed to talk to Lexa about him.

She pulled away from the hug and looked at Clarke, clearing her throat to signal to her that she should say something given that Lexa was still clueless as to who this little boy was.

“Aden… come here, baby.” Clarke said and Lexa’s eyes followed him as he ran to her.

“Aden this is Lexa, Lexa meet Aden, he’s…”

“Your son” Lexa finished for her. Clarke had wanted to say something else. But Lexa had interrupted.

“Yes… but…” Clarke tried to continue.

“Let me guess he’s about 4 years old?” Lexa said. A strange bitterness in her voice.

“He is…”

“Makes perfect sense. How’s Bellamy?” she asked.

Bile rose in Clarke’s throat. She was suddenly feeling suffocated.

“Lexa...” Anya stepped forward and put her hand on Lexa’s shoulder, trying to tell her to cool it. 

“Where is he anyway? Not back from work yet?” Lexa asked, looking around their home. Madi was by her side again now, holding her hand.

“Lexa!” Anya whispered, but still with warning.

 “Who’s Bellamy, mommy?” came Madi’s voice.

“Aden’s…” Lexa tried to say but Raven interrupted.

“Uncle” she said. “Bellamy is Aden’s uncle. A faraway friend of mine.”

Lexa looked at Raven then. Her expression blank.

“Why don’t you guys settle in, freshen up, and then we can all have dinner together” said Raven, trying to ease the tension in the room.

Lexa nodded, and without another word, took Madi’s hand and began to walk upstairs.

“Wait, Madi, let me show you our room!” Aden said in so much excitement and fought to be let down from Clarke’s arms. He then ran ahead with Madi upstairs.

As Anya and Lexa walked up behind them, Anya half whispered to Lexa. “What in the world’s gotten into you?!”

“I’m sorry, I lost my cool. She has a son. No one prepared me for the fact that she has a son! And he has to be Bellamy’s. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Do the math.” even as she said it, her heart-ache increased.

“You don’t know that. And for God’s sake even if he is, how do you know if they’ve told the little guy about it, and you just blurted it out like that. What if he’s not supposed to know?!” Realization dawned on Lexa. And she felt a little bad about what she’d done. She hoped that was not the case and she didn’t just ruin the little guys idea of who his parents are.

Regardless, it hurt her to think that they had a child. Form the one night that ruined her ‘forever’, they may have had a child. Aden.


	14. Chapter 14

“That could have gone worse” Raven said with a chuckle as she and Clarke had started laying out the table.

“ARE YOU KIDDLING ME RIGHT NOW RAVEN! Lexa thinks Aden is Bellamy’s son. Lexa thinks I conceived from the night I cheated on her. Lexa thinks I carried someone else’s baby for 9 months and I’ve been raising him for the past 4 years! It couldn’t have gone worse than that.”

“Well, isn’t part of that true?” Raven said while deep in thought. Clarke looked at her in complete irritation.

“Okay okay. Jokes aside, you have 30 days ahead of you to clear every misunderstanding between you two” said Raven.

“You saw what I’ve done to her Raven. She won’t let me talk. She’s not going to listen to me” said Clarke, sighing in defeat.

Raven put down the glasses in her hand and went up to Clarke. “Talk to her tonight after dinner. We’ll make ourselves sparse. Anya and I could entertain the kids in their room until they tire themselves out and we can tuck them in for the night.”

“I’ll try. I doubt she wants to even look at me after what just happened”

“Speaking of what just happened. The locket!”

Clarke’s eyes widened as she recalled. “I KNOW”

“Aden had it with him this whole week!” Raven said

“But neither of them seem to know what’s inside it!” Clarke exclaimed.

“What’s inside what?” came a small voice from near the staircase.

“Madi” the women were startled by her sudden appearance and hoped she hadn’t heard too much of their conversation.

“Oh nothing. We were just talking about the dessert that’s inside the fridge” Raven said, saving them.

“Ooo what is it?” Madi asked excitedly

Now that she hadn’t thought through.

Honestly, they didn’t know what to say. Because they had planned on ordering dessert from a nearby restaurant.

“uhh…ice cream” Raven said but at the same time Clarke nervously mumbled “Pie”

Madi looked at them, confused.

“Ice cream pie. It’s a new type of dessert” Raven said.

“Wow. Did you make it, Clarke?” Madi asked.

“Yes, yes she did” Raven said to Madi.

“Awesome, can’t wait to try some!”

“Did you want something dear?” Raven asked her.

“Not really, I just wanted to know some stories about mommy when she was younger.”

Raven laughed and Clarke seemed too amused.

“Well, you’re a curious little one aren’t you?” Raven said as she leaned down and gave Madi a sweet kiss on her cheek.

“Madi!” came Lexa’s voice from upstairs.

“Coming, mommy” she replied loudly.

“Okay got to go, the boss has summoned.” the little one said and hurried upstairs.

Raven looked at Clarke and raised her eyebrows. “I think this is going to be a fun month!”

 

Aden sat at the head of the table, Clarke on his right, Madi on his left, Lexa beside her, Raven beside Lexa. Anya beside Clarke.

Once food was served and Clarke and Raven were in their seats and everyone had started serving themselves, Raven felt the need to mention out loud

“Lexa, you’re going to love this, Clarke spent all day with this one. Madi, has your mom ever told you how much she loves pot roast?”

“It’s nothing, really...” Clarke began to say when Lexa interrupted while serving herself some salad.

“I don’t like pot roast anymore.”

A tense silence followed. Where Clarke sat frozen starting at Lexa. There was no way in hell that was true and Clark so badly wanted to call her out on it.

Anya was about to say something to fill the silence when

“Mom, can I have some?” came Aden’s soft voice, it distracted Clarke and it was enough for now. She served him some and he began to eat happily

“I’d like to try some” said Madi. And it brought a smile to Clarke’s face. “Sure, honey” Clarke said to her as she served her some on her plate too. Aden was a lot messier while eating and Clarke would often reach out to wipe his cheeks with a napkin and feed him now and then.

Madi however, seemed to have no trouble eating on her own. It allowed Lexa to catch a few moments where she could watch Clarke’s interactions with Aden. She caught herself staring so many times and she was sure if Clarke wasn’t so busy with Aden she would have noticed the way Lexa was staring. It was different to see this Clarke. Very… domestic.

4 years ago she was used to the idea of Clarke coming home in the evenings after a day at the gallery and cooking up a nice dinner. But this, this was something else, watching Clarke look after a son. It warmed Lexa’s heart though she would hate to admit that. She wondered what it must have been like for Clarke, 9 months of pregnancy, nursing a new born, raising him to be this sweet little human being, Lexa suddenly felt like she’d missed out on so much.

But then she looked over at her little one. Madi was her stronghold. Madi had been her everything in these past 4 years. She’d raised Madi, but Madi helped her grow. Everything she ever did now was centred on Madi. And she wondered if she had space to care for 2 more blue eyed wonders. She quickly shook the thought away when she was reminded of why these 4 years stood between them in the first place. And anger took over her again.

Before she could blurt out something rude and inappropriate again, she tried to get her mind off Clarke and pay attention to what Raven and Anya were talking about now.

“Oh yea, you must come to the gallery. Clarke’s extended the space. She’s put up so much more work since the last time you may have seen it” Raven was telling Anya.

“Wow, Clarke. Let’s do this. When can I come by?” Anya asked Clarke.

“I want to come too” chirped Madi with excitement.

“We could go tomorrow…”Clarke said with a smile. And then looked towards Lexa “that’s if you’re mom’s fine with it”

“Fine with it? She’ll be happy to come with, won’t you Lexa?” Anya asked her. Trying hard to make Lexa participate in civil conversation.

Lexa looked around the table, expectant eyes on her.

“Yea yea, sure. It’s been a while I’ve seen some art.”

It made Clarke smile. Lexa had always been appreciative of her work. That gallery itself held so many memories of them. How they’d made love in the back room multiple times. How Lexa was a subject of so many of Clarke’s paintings. How most of those canvases were framed in their bedroom, and were now still kept safe in Clarke’s closet. If it were up to her she would have still had them up, but Aden would ask too many questions and she wasn’t sure if Lexa would ever meet her son.

“Great. So it’s a date” said Raven.

All eyes turned to her. Clarke’s were more like daggers.

“…a date of about 6 people” Raven said nervously.

Anya laughed and then the kids followed. Lexa simply smiled and continued eating her salad.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

The doorbell rang and Clarke got up to go get it.

“Are we expecting someone?” asked Lexa.

“uhh… no that’s actually dessert” said Raven

“I thought you said dessert’s in the fridge” said Madi accusingly.

Raven chuckled. “Ah, about that, funny story…”

“ICE CREAM!” Aden yelled and jumped out of his seat running towards his mom who was hasting towards the kitchen to get the ice cream into the freezer.

“Aden, what have I told you about having dessert” she said to him as he clung to her leg.

“That we can have it after dinner. BUT MOMMY I WANT IT NOW!”

“Have you finished eating?”

“No.”

“Then behave yourself Aden, finish your food and then we can all have ice cream together”

“BUT I WANT IT NOW!”

“Aden!” Clarke scolded. The little boy, who was yet to understand that stubbornness hardly ever works, felt wronged and started to tear up.

“I don’t want to have dinner!” he snapped and ran upstairs towards his room.

“Aden… come back here, sweetheart.”

But he didn’t listen. Clarke wiped her palm down her face. For some reason, Aden had this stubborn side to him that she needed to bring under control. She felt bad that this had to happen right here in front of Lexa, Madi and Anya.

“Raven stood up from her seat and said “Let me go talk to him”

“No no, I’ll do it.”

“You just played bad cop. It won’t work” Raven said.

Lexa watched the exchange carefully, and made a mental note. Raven and Clarke seemed to have formed some sort of choreography when it came to raising this little boy. And it comforted her that Raven was here for Clarke.

“I’ll make it work” she said convinced that she could get through to him even though he may be a little angry with her right now.

“I’m sorry guys, you’ll have to excuse me for a moment” Clarke said, addressing the rest of them at the table. And then she went upstairs to talk to Aden.

“Does he always get stubborn?” Lexa asked Raven.

Raven looked right at her, smiled and said “He’s usually an angel. But some rare occasions we see this side of him, he can throw really loud tantrums sometimes.”

Lexa continued eating and fell deep in thought. There was a part of her that felt bad that she couldn’t be the one playing good cop when Clarke found herself in situations like this. She wondered if Clarke faced a lot of difficulty singlehandedly raising Aden. But then again, Clarke had Raven around. Maybe it wasn’t so tough. She couldn’t stop her mind from wondering if Bellamy was a part of Aden’s life, Clarke’s life.

And before she could stop herself from saying it, she asked out loud “Does Bellamy come visit?”

Raven was quiet for a moment, knowing it was not her place to tell Lexa everything, so she decided to simply be honest with what Lexa was specifically asking.

“No”

Lexa nodded.

“Does he provide for…”

“Lexa!” Anya scolded. “It’s of no matter to you.”

“I’m just curious... why would he just…”

“Look who’s back guys” came Clarke’s voice from the staircase, with little Aden wrapped around her, he was giggling and laughing while she tickled his sides.

The scene warmed their hearts. Clarke carried him and put him on his seat and he spoke

“I’m sorry, everyone. I promise I’ll finish eating and then have my ice cream.”

 Lexa and Anya chuckled while Madi simply grinned from ear to ear at her friend.

Raven sat looking at him in shock. She then turned to Clarke and half whispered “What did you do?”

Clarke simply raised her eyebrows and tugged her shirt’s collar while mouthing the words “Just mom things, you wouldn’t understand”

Raven looked at her suspiciously and then continued eating, fooling around with Aden.

Clarke stole a glance towards Lexa and found Lexa starting at her. She raised an eyebrow in question. Lexa quickly looked away, back at her food and continued eating.

Clarke smiled. Mom things. Lexa would know. She’s a mom too. I’m sure she’s handled the same kind of situations with Madi. Did Madi have a stubborn phase? Does she still have it? How does Lexa handle it? Does she require help from Anya? No, she was probably a great single mom.

She probably managed extremely well on her own, she thought. She wondered if Lexa judged her for needing Raven’s help. She also wondered what it would have been like if she and Lexa had continued to live their perfect life, would they have had kids, who among them would play good cop and bad cop?

Dinner was done soon enough. And soon everyone was seated in the living room with a bowl of ice cream in hand.

Raven was narrating a story about Lexa when she was in high school, conveniently skipping the parts that would give anyone the idea that Lexa and Clarke were more than just friends when they were young.

Little Madi and Aden were so amused by it all, they were rolling on the floor laughing and it seemed even Lexa was unwinding well. She seemed more at ease with that glass of wine in her hand and trying to refute Raven every time she felt the story was being told wrong. Clarke was leaning against the kitchen island, she had realized over the last hour that Lexa seemed more at ease when Clarke wasn’t right in front of her all the time, so she decided to be a silent spectator from a distance.

She watched as Raven narrated an anecdote of how Aden once got hold of Clarke’s paints and how he hand painted a part of the living room wall when no one was looking. It was a total mess that took many coats of wall paint to cover up.

Aden then felt like he wanted to show off his colouring books to the new ladies in the room. He ran upstairs, slowing down when he saw Clarke glaring at him, and came back down with his books in tow. Clarke watched as he carelessly just plopped himself between Lexa and Madi on the couch, handing Lexa his books. Lexa seemed tense at first, but then she relaxed and allowed him to snuggle closer into her side.

Clarke couldn’t take it. Her eyes were beginning to water once more and she wanted to slap herself, when had she become such a softie.

Lexa had no clue. She needed to talk to her. Tonight.

Right then, Raven caught Clarke’s gaze from across the room and as if she could read her mind, she called out loud

“Okay little man, it’s time for you to get to bed” she said pointedly at Aden.

“Yea I think Madi should hit the bed now too” Lexa said, while lovingly caressing her daughters shoulder.

“But I’m not sleepy yet, mommy” Madi whined.

“Don’t you go thinking that’s going to make your mommy change your bed time” said Anya, “come on, I’ll help you get ready for the night” she said as she tugged on Madi’s hand. Raven carried Aden in her arms and they walked towards the staircase. Raven quickly made eye signals to Clarke telling her now’s her time.

Clarke began to move from her space near the kitchen island towards where Lexa was, when she realized, Lexa was getting up from her seta to follow Anya.

She strode faster until she could stop right in front of Lexa. It startled her.

“Lexa… wait…I…”

Lexa stared at her. Blankly.

“Can.. Can we talk?”

Lexa looked away now, almost like she wanted to look anywhere but at Clarke’s eyes.

“Please… there’s so much left unsaid between us…”

“Now’s not the time, Clarke…”

“Then when?”

“I don’t know… just… not now” Lexa said as she tried to move past Clarke.

Clarke felt desperate now. She didn’t want Lexa to sleep tonight thinking Clarke had a baby with Bellamy. She quickly reached out to hold Lexa’s wrist.

The move happened so quickly, Lexa pulled her hand out of Clarke’s grasp, in an urgency that one would describe as a reaction you’d have if you touched fire.

“Don’t…” Lexa warned. Clarke knew what the unsaid words were. ‘Don’t touch me’. But Lexa had spared her the pain of hearing her say it out loud.

Clarke took two steps back, not wanting to hurt Lexa any more.

“I’m sorry. I just… I have so much to say to you, Lexa…”

“Well, you had your chance those two weeks you put me through hell. You never said a word then. I don’t understand what you’d possibly have to say to me now, Clarke” Lexa spat the words out bitterly.  The words did what they had intended to. They pained Clarke.

“You’re right. I was a bitch to you…I…”

“You’re damn right you were a bitch to me. And the icing on the cake? I get to picture you having sex with a man, forgetting all those years of promising me we’d share our lives together. So yes. I’m angry. I’m hurt. And there’s nothing you could say to me right now that could fix anything you did 4 years ago”

Lexa turned around and began to storm off again.

“2 minutes. Give me 2 minutes of your time right now. You don’t have to say anything, just please, listen to me, Lexa” Clarke pleaded. And from the sound of her voice, she was choking on a sob. Lexa closed her eyes, she didn’t need to turn around to know there were tears falling from Clarke’s deep blue eyes.

“You have 1 minute. And then I’m off to kiss Madi goodnight.”  

“Aden’s our son. You and me. He’s ours.” Clarke said out loud.


	16. Chapter 16

Lexa felt her heart stop. What! She thought. She was frozen in place. Needing to properly understand what Clarke was insinuating.

“I went back to the clinic about 6 months after we were last there…”

“What are you saying Clarke?” Lexa interrupted. Still not willing to turn around and look Clarke in the eyes. 

“He’s the one, Lex. He’s a part of me, and in some way a part of you. And he has nothing to do with that night…”

“Clarke…”

“I swear, Bellamy is a stranger to me. Raven runs into him now and then, but he’s dead to me. I have never let Aden near him, and he has no relation to him. Aden is ours...” Clarke was rambling.

“Stop. I can’t…” Lexa was trying to get the words out, but she couldn’t process any of what Clarke was saying. She simply stormed off upstairs leaving Clarke a mess, standing helplessly at the foot of the stairs.

 

Lexa stared at the digits on her phone. It was 3 am. And she wasn’t getting sleep. She sighed and turned on her side. It felt surreal being here. They’re old guest room. Her old bedroom was just down the hall. Clarke must be asleep she thought. She wondered if Clarke still rolled over a lot in her sleep. She wondered if Clarke had sleepless nights when she was pregnant with Aden.

Aden.

“Uggghhh!” She sighed in frustration. She had been trying to get her mind off him. And off what Clarke had told her. But her mind would have none of it. She kept going back to thinking of him. Him and Clarke. She dug her face into the pillow, groaned and then sat up. She got out of bed and walked over to Aden’s room, where Madi was sleeping too. From the door she peeked in, needing to make sure Madi was sound asleep, given this was her first night in this new home.

Madi was sleeping like a baby. She wilfully decided not to look towards where the little boy was sleeping in his bed on the other side of the room. She stepped away from their door and walked downstairs.

She poured herself a glass of water and sipped on it slowly. She looked at the time on her phone. 3.05 am. It was going to be one long night.

Her tummy rumbled. These days it found odd times to sound off her hunger alarm. She looked towards the fridge. She knew it would be there. Clarke had prepared enough to feed an army. She walked towards the fridge and found it on the second shelf.

The pot roast leftovers packed in an air tight container. She looked around. Everyone was asleep. And she’d been hating herself from the moment she made that stupid comment about not liking pot roast anymore with an intention to hurt Clarke. But here she was, tempted now to eat it anyway.

“Fuck it” she said as she took it out of the fridge served herself a portion on a plate, heated it in the microwave and sat herself down at the kitchen island. The aroma filled her senses with good feelings. Feelings she forbid herself from feeling when the aroma hit her during dinner time. Because it smelled like home. Home with Clarke on an evening after a bad day at work, when Clarke would make a pot roast just to cheer her up, knowing full well that Lexa loved nothing more than she loved this.

Lexa took her first bite and she had to close her eyes as her taste buds celebrated every ingredient perfectly blended together. A small moan escaped her as she ate and it made her laugh at how silly this might look to an onlooker.

Clarke was a wonderful cook, and Aden was lucky to have her as his mom.

Aden.

Lexa stopped eating. She stared at the remaining food left on her plate. Their child. Aden.

“Hah! I knew it!” came a voice from the dark that startled Lexa.

“Raven! Don’t do that to me ever again, I swear you’re lucky my reflexes didn’t kick in”

“Lex, I don’t care whether you would punch me to the ground, right now, I’m just glad you’re still the same Lexa who’d go gaga over Clarke’s pot roast. You scared me for a second there.” Said Raven as she sat beside Lexa, laughing.

Lexa was embarrassed. She’d been called out.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell. Eat.” said Raven, looking pointedly at the remaining food on her plate.

Lexa smiled and continued to eat. They sat together in silence. Once Lexa was done eating she washed and dried her plate and set it aside and then joined Raven back at the kitchen island.

“Why are you awake?” Lexa asked her.

“Light sleeper. Have you forgotten? Got a whiff of the food and I had to come see if it was indeed you”

Lexa laughed.

“What about you?” Raven asked.

The mirth on her face disappeared. “It’s nothing” Lexa said

“Clarke talk to you?” Raven asked

Lexa nodded. Raven simply embraced her, wrapping her arms around her real tight.

“It’s true then?” Lexa said, her voice shaky.

“He’s the face you fell in love with, Lexa” said Raven.

 

5 and a half years ago.

“What we do here is we match the genes of the sperm donors and that of the mom who will carry the baby, and we can show you a prototype of what your little one could look like”

“That’s unreal” Lexa said as Clarke gasped at the images before her.

They were at this special IVF clinic, one Clarke was convinced they should consult for their family planning in the future and she’d manage to drag Lexa here too, needing her to see for herself what they could have in the future.

While Lexa was warmed by the idea of having a baby with Clarke, she was sceptical of this kind of technology when Clarke had first told her about it.

But here she was, staring at a bunch of photographs that displayed what their baby could look like, if they ever decided to have one.

“I don’t believe this.” She exclaimed.

“The worlds moving fast Ms Woods, you’ll be surprised by the capabilities of most newer medical institutes” said Doctor Anderson.

Clarke was entranced with the photographs before her.

“I’ll leave you two to browse through these by yourselves. In case you’re not happy with any of these, we can always do another round of matching Ms Griffin’s genes with another batch of sperm donors.”

“That won’t be necessary Dr. Anderson… Clarke and I… we plan on having a baby in the future, but it’s still a long way off”

“I understand.” he said with a smile and left them alone to go through the pictures.

“Clarke…”

“Hmmm”

“Clarke look at me” Lexa said, trying to get her full attention.

She did.

“What are we doing here?” She asked.

“You said you’d come see what this is about with me.” Said Clarke.

“I know, but… we aren’t ready to have a baby yet.”

Clarke looked at Lexa’s unsure expressions. She seemed nervous.

“Hey, babe… look here” Clarke said while caressing Lexa’s face in her palms. Lexa looked deep into her eyes.

“I’m not saying we need to have a baby tomorrow.  But someday, I’d want to have a baby with you, I want to raise a child with you, I want the whole thing, 9 months of carrying him or her with you by my side, and a lifetime of fussing over him or her, again, with you by my side.”

“I want that too.” said Lexa, seemingly calmer now, and smiling even, at the thought of building a family with Clarke.

“We don’t have to decide anything today. Just keep your mind open to the possibilities.”

 Lexa nodded and finally looked down at the photographs Clarke was holing in her hands.

Clarke laid them all out on the table before them, and Lexa let her eyes wander over the many prototype faces, all developed with an idea of what the child would look like when he/she was about 10 years old.

“This guy’s cute…” said Clarke, laughing

“Look at her…”Lexa said pointing to another.

But there was one photograph that was hidden behind another that Lexa suddenly noticed they missed to see. She reached out to the corner of the desk where it lay and picked it up. And that’s when she saw it.

In a flash, her mind took her to some place in the future where she, Clarke and this little boy were having a tickle fight on the couch and his angel blue eyes were filled with mirth. She pictured dropping him off at school, she pictured his blue eyes getting droopy as she read him a bedtime story, she pictured him munching away on a breakfast her wife had just whipped up for him. She saw it all. The whole family picture. And worst of all, she pictured a Christmas card with the three of them on it. Where she’d have one arm wrapped around Clarke and the other tightly holding him to her.

She was brought out of her daze when she felt Clarke’s breath against her cheek. “What do you have there?” she asked.

Lexa couldn’t help the glee on her face.

“Clarke look at him…” she said

Clarke stared at his photograph. And she looked at Lexa and that brightness in her eyes.

“He’d have your blue eyes” Lexa said “and I can totally see what our life would be like with this angel”

Clarke’s heart felt warm and light and so in love. She leaned in and kissed Lexa, passionately on the lips. Lexa kissed her back with equal vigour. They were giddy and in love, and so what if they weren’t going to have a baby soon. Fact is they both wanted it, the whole family life. And maybe someday in the future, they would come back here and maybe they’d find this photograph again and maybe they’d have the life Lexa had pictured.

They left the clinic that day, hand in hand and so in love. But little did Lexa know, Clarke had been sure to mentally take note of the one photograph Lexa felt close to.

 


	17. Chapter 17

Lexa burst out laughing, and Raven was startled at first but then that laughter turned to quiet sobs, until she realized, Lexa was crying.

“Lex…” Raven pulled her in for a hug again.

“She had our baby…”

“Yes… she did…” Raven said

“Alone… she did it alone…”

Raven wasn’t sure what Lexa was insinuating…

“Lex.. She wanted to tell you, she wanted to explain… but we didn’t know how to reach you…”

“I should have been there.” she said.

“She hurt you, Lex. We understood that. She understood that… albeit eventually”

“She did hurt me. God it still hurts so much.”

Raven held her for a little while longer and then she caressed her face in her palms and said

“Can I ask you for a favour, Lex?”

“Yea… what is it?” Lexa said

“Give her a chance to talk to you. Just listen to her.”

“It hurts too much Rae…” Lexa said

“I know… I’m not telling you that you need to forgive her or get back with her. That’s completely your decision. But it’s killing her how much she hasn’t been able to fill you in on…”

“I know…”

“And I know she wants to know so much about you, about Madi, about the last 4 years”

Lexa wiped at her eyes then, needing to pull herself together.

“I’ll try” Lexa said.

“Thank you, Lex.” Raven reached out and squeezed Lexa’s hands.

Just then they heard a sound from upstairs. It sounded like a scream. A pained moan.

Lexa was startled “what was that?”

Raven was already off her seat, but she seemed calm.

“It’s nothing… I’ll go check…” Raven said walking towards the stairs.

“Raven, whose room did that cry come from?” Lexa had to ask, even though she would recognize a part of that voice anywhere.

“It’s Clarke, she’s probably having a nightmare again… it’s alright, I know what to do.”

Raven was walking up again, and Lexa rushed to her side.

“What do you mean? She has these often? What do you do when she has these nightmares? What are they about?” Lexa was desperate to know.

Raven sighed. “Yea they come to her every once in a while. Some nights when I’m home I manage to comfort her through them. Some nights she battles them alone. Or she doesn’t, alone.”

They were almost near Clarke’s bedroom door now.

“I won’t go in there.” Lexa said when Raven pushed the door slightly ajar.

Raven stood in the doorway and looked back at Lexa.

“You don’t have to, she sees only you behind her closed eyes anyway”

Lexa understood. She stood frozen in place as she watched Raven enter Clarke’s room, and from the gap in the door she could see Raven sitting by Clarke, gently holding her hand and trying to bring her out of her nightmare.

Lexa slid herself down against the wall beside the door, and sat there for a few minutes, simply listening.

“Clarke… wake up… it’s just a bad dream…” Raven said.

“Raven… make her stop, please, don’t let her leave…” Clarke was crying.

“Clarke, it was just a dream. She’s right here, remember? She came home.”

“She’s here?” Clarke asked, still in a haze of sleep and so disoriented.

“She’s here. Just down the hallway”

“No. She left.”

“I know. But she came home yesterday, didn’t she? She’s here. Trust me.”

Lexa listened as Clarke’s breathing began to slow down.

“Should I make you some tea or something?” Raven asked.

Lexa almost got up, wanting to do something to help, she could make that tea.

“No… no I’ll be fine… I’m sorry, again…” Clarke said sadly.

“Don’t apologize to me, Griffin, please. I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, Rae”

“Come on, lie down, try and get some sleep.”

Lexa heard the ruffle of the covers. She stood up and waited for Raven to come out. Once Raven was out and had closed the door behind her, they walked slowly towards Lexa’s bedroom.

“Is it the same nightmare all the time?”

Raven chuckled. “No, sometimes she sees Aden being taken away from her. Sometimes it’s you yelling at her. Sometime it’s news that you’ve moved on.”

Lexa nodded.

“This one time it was me leaving her. I hate to admit but I felt nice that she’s afraid of losing me.”

Lexa stopped Raven in her tracks, stood before her and embraced her, real and tight.

“What you’ve done, for Clarke and I, I can’t imagine anyone ever doing for us. You’ve been there for us at our worst and most importantly, you hold Clarke through these bad dreams and I don’t know maybe it’s the late hour but I feel the need to say Thank you for that, for taking care of her, and Aden and just… staying.”

Raven felt herself relax in Lexa’s embrace, and to her surprise, a tear fell from her eye.

“Always Lex. You two mean the world to me. I’m just glad you’re home”

 

Raven returned downstairs to her bed, the convertible couch was her most comfortable spot to sleep in, in this house. She never liked the guest room and always preferred the couch. She fell asleep soon once she was all tucked in, it was morning anyway and she would have to be up in a few hours.

Lexa however had thoughts running laps around her brain. And she still couldn’t sleep no matter how hard she tried. She got up, and once again made her way out of her room. She softly made her way to the kids’ room.

It was 5 am now and they were so soundly asleep.

Lexa took one look at Madi and knew she was having quite a peaceful sleep. Then she allowed herself a moment to stare at the angel face on the other bed at the other end of the room. And it was like she was drawn to him, her feet moved of their own accord until she was standing right next to his bed, looking at his face for the first time with so much attention.

It was there, so may features from the prototype photograph she had seen all those years ago. He was theirs.

Tears filled her eyes the longer she stared at him. She sat by him then, and slowly caressed his cheek, not wanting to wake him up, but needing to touch him, to feel some kind of connection with him. Aden. Aden Griffin. The life she was supposed to be there for.

She was angry with herself and angry with Clarke, but the more she looked at him, the more she gazed at his sweet innocent face, she knew he didn’t deserve to face the consequences of their mistakes. He deserved to be loved and that’s all he should ever have to feel from Clarke and now, from her too. No matter where she was, she was going to look after this life right here, treat him with as much love and care as she did Madi.

Lexa then sat on the floor, beside Aden’s bed and continued to gaze upon him, the soft light of the morning sky was beginning to fight its way through the curtains, and the brighter it got, the more beautiful he looked. Lexa’s eyes began to fail her, sleep was finally beginning to take over, and she let it.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Clarke swung the kids’ room door open and called out “Aden, Madi, Come on, time to wake…”

Clarke stopped mid-sentence when she saw Lexa startle awake at her voice. She had been sleeping in a weird position. Sitting by Aden’s bed and resting her head on her hands on his sheets. Aden’s eyes opened and first fell on Lexa.

“Lexa…” he whispered.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were sleeping here” Clarke said as she took a cautious step towards them. Aden rubbed at his eyes, and Madi stirred awake too now.

Lexa looked sleepy. Drained. So very tired.

Lexa’s eyes stayed on Aden’s at first, realization dawning on her as to why and how she ended up here. Then she looked over at Madi, who seemed to turn to the other side trying to go back to sleep, then she looked up at Clarke.

It took her a moment to properly understand why Clarke was so awake and dressed in gym-wear.

“uhhh, I just got back from a run.” Clarke explained.

“Do you run every day?” Lexa asked, not understanding why she wanted that information, but asking it anyway.

“I do” Clarke said.

They were silent then.

“Listen if you need to sleep some more, if the guestroom isn’t too comfortable, I can get the mattresses changed, or you could sleep in our…”

“No, no… it’s fine” Lexa said. Knowing Clarke must wonder why she slept here all night. Little did Clarke know she hardly slept a few hours.

Lexa stood up then. But stumbled a bit from the haziness in her head. Clarke instinctively reached out to hold her and once again, Lexa pulled away from her touch, “I’m fine” she said hastily. Not wanting to look at Clarke knowing she’d find hurt there.

“I’m going to take a shower” she mumbled as she walked out of the room.

Clarke stood there staring at Aden who smiled sheepishly at her.

 

When Lexa came downstairs after a long warm shower in the guestroom’s bathroom, she realized she was the last to make it down for breakfast.

“Lexa!” came Raven’s voice when she spotted her walking down the staircase.

Madi got off her stool and ran towards her.

“Hey honey, did you sleep well?” Lexa asked her.

“Morning, mommy. I did. I dreamed about you too.”

“Now that’s definitely a good sleep” she said as she lifted Madi up in her arms.

“How many times have I told you she’s too big to be carried around now, Lexa. You can’t encourage that habit” came Anya’s voice as Lexa approached them where they were sitting at the kitchen island, the island covered with a wide variety of breakfast foods, Lexa noticed.

Madi laughed. “I’ll carry her for as long as I want.” said Lexa, nuzzling her nose into Madi’s cheek and kissing her.

“Yea, mommy’s quite strong that way” Madi said proudly and then chuckled when her mom sat on one of the stools next to Anya and let Madi sit in her lap as she tickled her sides. Lexa then looked up at Clarke. She had changed out of her gym wear and was looking more comfortable, more homely now.

“Good morning” Clarke said.

“Moring” Lexa said, smiling slightly.

Raven stole a glance towards Anya over Aden’s head.

Aden who was siting between them was oblivious to the exchanges. He was more excited about all the options he had for breakfast this morning.

“Can I have waffles now, momma?” he caught Clarke’s attention.

Lexa watched how one word from Aden was enough for Clarke to switch to ‘Mom mode’.

“You’ve eaten so much already, honey.” Clarke explained to him as she reached out to wipe a smear of jam from his cheeks with a napkin.

“What’s the occasion, why so much variety?” said Lexa as she looked around at all her options.

 Everyone turned from looking at her to looking at Clarke. 

“I didn’t know what you guys would like, and I didn’t want to disappoint anyone…” she said nervously.

Raven smiled to herself. What Clarke meant was ‘I didn’t know what you would like. And I didn’t want to disappoint anyone’.

Lexa stared at the omelettes Clarke had whipped up. It used to be all she wanted for breakfast every day. Eggs. But the uncertainty in Clarke’s voice right now, in her eyes. She caused that. She caused that last night when she lied to everyone saying she doesn’t like pot roast anymore.

“Oh. I’ll just have the eggs” she said as she served herself the omelette and began eating.

Clarke smiled to herself. Somethings don’t change and she was happy about it.

Anya stood up from her seat then and said “okay then. It’s 9 am now. We’re going to Clarke’s gallery at 10. Kids get dressed as soon as you’re done with breakfast.”

“I’m done.” came Madi’s chirpy voice.

“I’m done too. Race you to the room” said Aden as he hoped off his seat and ran. Madi ran after him whining “Hey, No fair!”

“Alright I’m going to go make sure Aden’s fashion choices are acceptable” said Clarke and everyone laughed. She began to take her apron off when Lexa spoke to no one in particular.

“I’m going to sit this trip out, guys.”

All eyes landed on her except for Clarke. Clarke couldn’t do it. She simply stared at Lexa’s fork poking at her last bits of breakfast.

“What? Why?” Anya asked.

“I haven’t slept well. I’ll feel quite drained there” she said to Anya.

“Maybe we can go later then. You can sleep for a few hours and then we can head out together.” Raven suggested.

“No, I don’t want to delay your plans, guys…”

“Don’t be silly. It’s no problem for us, right Clarke?” Raven said.

“Yea no. I haven’t made any plans for the day anyway” Clarke reassured.

“I insist guys, you’ll should go without me” Lexa said more firmly.

“Or we could go tomorrow… after the kids are done with school…” Clarke suggested, her eyes on Lexa.

“I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE GALLERY, CLARKE.” Lexa snapped.

There was silence in the room.

“Lexa…”Anya said softly then.

“No, it’s okay” Clarke said finally, moving from the place she had froze in. She kept her apron aside and moved around nervously trying to busy herself with something, then she remembered she was supposed to go check on Aden and Madi.

“I uhh… I’ll go check on them…”

Clarke was no master at hiding hurt in her voice or on her face. Both Anya and Raven saw the tears in her eyes.

“You didn’t have to go that hard.” said Raven while sipping on her glass of juice.

“I’m sorry, you’ll just wouldn’t let it go.” Lexa said.

“More than any of us, she wanted you to see her work” Raven said.

“I’m not ready to go there, Raven.”

“Yea, we heard that. Loud and clear.” said Raven. She then stood up and said “I’m going to go get changed. I’ll see you guys in a bit.”  

Lexa wiped her face down in frustration. She had not meant to snap. But it’s only been a day of her being back in this house, sharing a house with Clarke, the only soul she’d ever truly loved and it was getting to her. She was beginning to feel suffocated and really just needed time to herself. She didn’t realise how hard she was breathing until she felt Anya’s hand rubbing circle on her back.

“Deep breaths kiddo. This will get better. I promise”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to do a whole month, Anya”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s only been a day, and I’ve probably snapped about a 100 times by now”

“Twice. It’s happened twice or thrice maybe. That doesn’t mean this is how it’ll be all the time. It’s just day two here. Give yourself sometime.”

Lexa nodded. “I don’t know how to make Raven understand why I can’t come to the gallery”

“I’ll talk to her for you. Don’t worry.” Said Anya.


	19. Chapter 19

Clarke was driving, Anya was riding shotgun. Raven and the kids in the backseat. Aden and Madi were keeping Raven entertained. Anya stole a glance towards Clarke, she seemed so tense. So deep in thought. Ever since she and Lexa came over yesterday, Anya’s been meaning to get some alone time with Clarke, it’s been so long since they talked.

The last time she had a heart-to-heart with her was when Clarke made a promise to her. Something on the lines of “I could never love another the way I love Lexa. She’s the one. I know it. And I have every intention of taking care of her heart until death parts us”

“We should talk” Anya said softly to Clarke.

Clarke almost didn’t hear her, so lost inside her own head, her own thoughts too loud. Clarke was brought out of her reverie when she heard Anya’s voice. She turned to look at her.

“We should talk, you and I”

Clarke looked into her rear view mirror to see that the kids and Raven were engrossed in their own conversations.

“Okay…”

“When we get back, maybe?” Anya asked.

Clarke nodded.

 

Anya was standing before one of the largest paintings in the gallery. She just stood there feeling something move inside her. She wasn’t someone who knew anything about art. But here, staring at this painting, every colour every brush stroke seemed alive and bright and in some way, it cased a sense of awe in her.

“Beautiful isn’t it?”

Raven came up to stand beside her. Anya looked at her and said “it is”

They both stared at it for a while, just really taking it in. when Anya felt now would be the right time to talk to her about this morning.

“Nothing about this is easy for Lexa, you know”

Raven wasn’t expecting this conversation, but if Anya wanted to have it, then so be it.

“Yea well, it’s just as difficult for Clarke.”

“Lexa been angry since the day she came to Washington. I saw it in her eyes, even through tears.”

“And Clarke’s been living with guilt ever since. That doesn’t mean Lexa can go around treating Clarke like absolute shit, even if she believes they can’t love each other ever again”

“But that’s just it. Deep down Lexa doesn’t believe that. But nothing’s going to move in that direction for as long as she still has all that anger stored deep down inside her.”

“So what are you saying? We’re just supposed to stand around and watch Lexa snap at Clarke, make her feel like shit.”

“I’m not saying that. Lexa doesn’t want to hurt Clarke. Even though it looks like she does. She loses control of her words when her anger bubbles up. And you know her, she can’t deal with anger well. She’d bottled it up all these years after Madi came into our lives, but I think seeing Clarke again, is finally bringing it all out.”

Raven was silent for a moment. She looked around, making sure Clarke and the kids weren’t looking their way. She then looked at Anya and said “come with me” and took her hand in hers. 

Raven led Anya around the corner wall of the gallery towards a door at the other far end of the gallery.

“What’s behind that door?”

“Patience, woman!”

Raven quietly pulled open the door and pulled Anya in behind her, shutting the door quickly behind them.

“What is this place?”

“This is what Clarke likes to call her hide out. I like to call it ‘the shrine of Lexa.’” Raven smirked proudly. And that’s when Anya truly allowed herself to zero in on the things in this room.

There were canvases of paintings hung up on the walls, there were some kept leaning against the walls on the floor because the walls were filled, there was one covered on an easel, probably one Clarke was still working on.

Anya stepped further into the room to look at the paintings closely and that’s when she realized the subject of them all. Lexa.

“Fuck.”

“Shhhh!” Raven said. And then whispered.  She can’t know I let you in here.”

Anya didn’t care. She was too mesmerized by the paintings. Each of them had a different theme, but the only constant was Lexa’s deep green eyes, her smile. Anya was at a loss for words. There were paintings of Lexa holding a baby. Anya noticed the features were that of Aden’s. Clarke had painted Lexa holding Aden, Lexa kissing Aden, Lexa playing with Aden. 

“I don’t believe this”

“What about it don’t you believe?”

“That this is real”

“She came here almost every day, wanting to paint for at least an hour. Said that other than being near Aden, this was the only thing that was keeping her from drowning in a self-made sea of guilt and depression”

“I understand. Lexa had her own ways of coping too”

They were silent for a while.

“You’re right. Lexa’s angry. And she has every right to be. I just hope that by the time she’s got it all out of her system, Clarke doesn’t lose herself in that sea of guilt” Raven said quietly.

“I hope so too” Anya said.

 

“Alright kids, go wash up, I’ll pack your canvases up so you guys can continue at home” Clarke said to the little ones. She had given them 2 blank canvases and some paints since they wanted to do some painting themselves after looking at all her work. They quickly got up and ran towards the washrooms, almost bumping into Raven and Anya.

“Where were you guys?” Clarke asked.

“The balcony”, “The washroom”

Both of them blurted out different answers

“The washroom” “the balcony”

Again they stumbled.

“Uhhh… do you’ll want to decide on which is a better lie and then tell me?”

“We went to the balcony first, then the washroom” Raven quickly said.

“Yea” Anya agreed.

“Okay…” Clarke looked at them weird.

“Why don’t you guys take the kids and wait in the car. I just got to talk to the guard and Luna and then I’ll be right down”

“Yea cool” said Anya.

Raven smirked. Luna wasn’t even in today. Clarke probably wanted to check in on her latest painting at the shrine, she thought.

“Who’s Luna?” Anya asked as they walked towards the door.

“This intern girl Clarke has hired to help out in the gallery. She’s a huge fan of Clarke’s work”

“I see” Anya said.

 

 

When Clarke turned the key in the door, she didn’t expect the aroma that filled her nose. It took her back 4 years ago to when coming home to Lexa cooking, was a normal thing to expect. They walked in and Raven was the first to speak.

“Now that’s something I wasn’t expecting” she said as she sat across Lexa who was chopping some veggies.

Once all of them had gathered at the kitchen island, Lexa spoke.

“I thought it’s the least I could do, to make it up to you…” her eyes met Clarke’s for a small moment,  “…to you guys, for ditching at the eleventh hour.”

“Forgiven!” said Raven excitedly, reaching out to grab a piece of carrot that Lexa had just chopped, but Lexa wouldn’t have it. She smacked her hand away.

“Go freshen up first” she said

 “There she is. The Mama-Lexa that I know and love” Raven teased then got up and headed towards the washroom.

The kids too ran up to their room leaving just Clarke, Anya and Lexa here.

“Clarke, I didn’t mean to snap at you earlier, I’m sorry.” Lexa said.

Anya smiled at her encouragingly.

Clarke looked at her. She didn’t know what to feel.

“It’s okay” she said. Lexa smiled. But it wasn’t the smile that reached her eyes. Clarke was yet to see that kind of smile directed at her once again. It’s been way too long.

“Thank you, for taking care of lunch” Clarke said.

Lexa acknowledged it with a nod. Clarke walked away. The awkwardness was too much to handle. She hated this. Tip-toeing around each other like they’re strangers.


	20. Chapter 20

“That was good” Anya told Lexa after Clarke was out of sight.

“I don’t know Anya, every time I see her, I think about why I didn’t want to see her for 4 years, and then I picture her with Bellamy, and then that just gets me angry. I want to stop picturing that!”

“It’ll happen, give it some time. Also, I think it’ll help you if you just talk to her. You never did tell her how much she hurt you.”

“I don’t think I can keep straight face while having that conversation. What if it unleashes a part of me that’s horrible? That’ll probably hurt her beyond anything.”

“She hurt you. I’m sure she’ll understand why this affects you so bad.”

Lexa was deep in thought.

“I’ll leave you to this, I’ve anyway got to pack up my stuff to move into the new place tomorrow.”

“I forgot about that. You’re going to leave me alone, here.”

“You make me sound like an irresponsible mother leaving her child with strangers.”

“Well, apart from Raven and Madi, everyone else in this house seems like a stranger to me.”

“They’re not supposed to be. Clarke’s your soulmate, Aden your son. It may not feel like it right now, but I have a feeling it’s a possibility in the future.”

“You’re delusional if you think Clarke and I will be able to mend this.”

“I’m confident” Anya said with a smirk and walked away.

 

There was a knock on her door. “Can I come in?”

Anya’s voice.

“Yes, yea come in, Anya” Clarke said.

“How are you doing?” Anya asked as she came up to stand in front of Clarke

 “How do you think?” Clarke frowned.

Anya sighed and sat next to her on the bed.

“I know Lexa. You know her too.” Anya said.

“I’m beginning to think I don’t.” Clarke said.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve got to be delusional to think she would forgive me for what I did, Anya. It’s caused her so much pain, so much hurt. I can see it. I’m not blind.”

“You can’t let that deter you from going after her.”

Clarke couldn’t believe what she was hearing. When Anya told her she wanted to talk to her, she assumed Anya would tell her things like “I can’t have you getting close to her again, I can’t have you hurting Lexa again. So stay away from her.”

“I’m sorry, what?!” Clarke asked.

Anya sighed. “I want you to be patient with her.”

Clarke was quiet. Needing to listen carefully to what Anya was really saying.

“She’s angry. SOOOOO angry with you. I didn’t even realize how much until I saw this version of her here. It’s all pent up emotion that she’s bottle up for 4 years. After we brought Madi home, she pushed all of her past down and centred her whole life on Madi.”

“I figured…”

“But that doesn’t mean she stopped loving you, Clarke. There’s still a part of her that wants only you. She tried to move on, but gave up. Cause she couldn’t.”

Clarke didn’t want to think too much about what that meant right now. Now was not the time or context to be upset that Lexa may have been with other women in the past 4 years.

“What I’m saying is, it’s going to be hard. She’s going to hurt you and make you feel what she felt. Most times it’ll be sub-consciously. Sometimes it may be intentional. But the fact that she’s here,  that she agreed to do this one month of living in the home you guys once shared, that should be enough to tell you somewhere deep down, she wants her old life back, or atleast she may be willing to give it a shot.” Anya finished.

“Okay.” Clarke said.

“Okay?” Anya asked.

“Okay,. I’ll be patient. I’ll take the taunts, the looks, the snapping, all of it. I’ll take it. I’ll take anything if it means one day it’ll all be out of her system and she can sit down with me and I can talk to her and she can talk to me and I can tell her how sorry I am, how foolish I was.”

“Thank you, Clarke. I have faith you two can be a family again… more so now after what you’ve told her about Aden…”

“I have so much to tell her about him. And I want to hear so much about Madi. I just don’t think she’s in the right state of mind to talk to me right now… and after talking to you now… I guess that’s okay. I mean, I have to be okay with that.”

Anya nodded. “It’ll get better, I promise” Anya said.

Clarke nodded too. Anya then reached out and pulled her in for a hug “You two are meant to be, I can feel it in my bones it’ll all work out.”

“Thank you Anya, I wasn’t expecting this at all”

“Well I still hate that you did what you did. But I don’t want to judge. I don’t know the whole story.” Anya said.

“Well nothing about the story justifies what I did. I don’t expect to use it as a justification either when I finally get to tell Lexa about that night. I just need her to know everything about those 2 weeks that I treated her like shit. And I want to make that up to her so badly.”

Just then Clarke’s phone began to ring. She looked at the caller ID and said “I’m sorry, I’ve got to take this”

“That’s okay. We’re done here anyway.” Anya said with a smile and a comforting squeeze of her shoulder. “I’ll see you down for lunch. Lexa’s cooked up a storm for you.” Anya said with a wink.

Clarke smiled. Once Anya was out of the room, she picked her call.

“Hey mom.”

 

“Mama Griffin’s coming home?!?” Raven exclaimed sounding even more excited than Aden.

“Yea, she’ll be here tomorrow, around lunch time” Clarke said while serving herself lunch.

“Yay! Grandma’s coming home!” Aden squealed in excitement. “Madi, you’re going to get to meet my grandma”

“Alright, is she kind?” Madi asked.

Raven and Clarke chuckled at that. “Madi, that’s not a nice question to ask.” Anya scolded.

“I’m sorry” Madi said quickly.

“Abby’s a wonderful person, Madi.” Lexa said to her daughter with a warm smile. And it brought a smile to Clarke’s face too.

“Then I can’t wait to meet her” Madi said.

“She can’t wait to meet you too, Madi” Clarke told her.

“She knows me?” Madi asked.

“Well I told her.” Clarke said.

“Awesome” came Madi’s reply.

Clarke looked across the table then, something in her wondered whether Lexa was okay with all of this. Abby meeting Madi, she hoped it was fine. She saw Lexa shift in her seat, clearly uncomfortable now that Clarke brought up talking to Abby about Madi.

“This food is amazing by the way” Clarke said, trying to change the topic.

“Thanks” came Lexa’s soft reply. They ate silently then until Anya spoke.

“Looks like I won’t have the pleasure of meeting Mama Griffin then”

“What? Why not?” came Raven’s quick reaction.

“I’m moving into my new place tomorrow”

“Oh” came Raven’s reply as she started blankly at her food. She looked sad. And everyone on the table who’d ever known Raven well knew she didn’t have these kind of reactions for just anyone. 

Clarke smiled to herself. She knew it! Raven was beginning to have feelings for Anya.

“When do you have to go?” Raven asked.

“I was thinking of leaving early tomorrow morning. Get a head-start on my day”

“Well, come over for dinner then.” Raven insisted.

Clarke noticed Lexa smiling to herself now. She had picked up on it too.

Anya smiled, she thought for a moment and then said “yea okay, sure”

Raven smiled at her across the table. Everyone continued eating. When Raven looked at Clarke, Clarke has an eyebrow raised at her.

Raven whispered “what?”

Clarke whispered “you’re whipped”

“Shut up. I’m not” Raven whispered back.

“Actually Raven, I might need some help with moving in tomorrow, if you’re not doing anything…”Anya asked.

“Yes. Yea, I mean sure. I don’t have any plans” Raven was quick to answer.

“Don’t you have to resume work tomo…?” Clarke asked Raven out loud. 

“What? No. of course not” Raven said

“I’m pretty sure you told me…” Clarke said

“Clarke, I know my date of resuming. It’s not tomorrow.” Raven insisted.

“Great then, you can come with me tomorrow morning” Anya said.

“Sounds like a plan” Raven said with a smile.

They continued eating.

Clarke nudged Raven and whispered “Sounds more like a date to me”

“Shut up Griffin.” Raven whispered.

“Your date of resuming work is tomorrow isn’t it?” Clarke whispered to Raven with a smirk on her face.

“It is. I’ll sort it out. Call in sick or something. Its fine” Raven stuffed her mouth with food then and Clarke chuckled.

“Whipped” Clarke said.

 


	21. Chapter 21

After dinner, Clarke was doing the dishes when Lexa came up behind her and said

“Clarke, can I talk to you for a second”

Clarke was still getting used to hearing Lexa’s voice saying her name in that very Lexa way after all this time. It left her lingering on just that one word.

“Sorry.. yea…” Clarke turned around and looked Lexa straight in the eye.

“I had to ask… about Abby…”

“aha” Clarke hummed.

“What does she know… about…”

“Madi? I’m sorry I know I should have asked you first before mentioning anything about Madi to her…”

“No, that’s not what I meant” Lexa said, shifting her weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other, her hands now folded across her torso.

“I mean… does she know why I left…?” Lexa said, looking visibly uncomfortable.

“Yes… I… I told her everything…” Clarke said.

Lexa nodded and then stared at the floor.

“She didn’t talk to me for months” Clarke continued.

Lexa looked up then. And caught the tears in Clarke’s eyes.

Clarke huffed a laugh then. “Rightly so. She was livid that I, her daughter, could make such a big mistake.”

“Okay…” Lexa then slowly turned around and was about to walk away

“Lexa wait…”

Lexa stopped in her tracks but didn’t turn around.

“I know you’re not ready to talk about whatever happened, but I want you to know that I will wait. I will wait for however long it takes…”

“You’d be wasting your time, Clarke” Lexa interrupted and the walked away.

 

It was noon now. And Abby would be here any minute. Lexa couldn’t stop thinking about what this reunion would feel like. When she was young and growing up with Clarke as her closest friend, Abby was like a second mother to her. Lexa would spend so much time over at their home, and Abby cared for her like her very own.

When Clarke and Lexa realized and came out about how they’d fallen in love with each other, it took Abby by surprise. But Abby was never against their relationship. Always rooting for the two of them. Besides the fact that Clarke wanted to move out of home way to early than expected, nothing about Lexa had ever disappointed Abby.

Lexa wondered now, if Abby had any hard feelings towards her, about leaving Clarke. Not being by her side when she was pregnant with their baby, not being there for Aden. But she didn’t even know about Aden, she didn’t even know Clarke bore a child. She had no clue. She argued in her own head while pacing the floor in the living room.

But that could be what Abby may be upset with her about, that she stayed away long enough to not even know Clarke had their baby.

Just then there was a knock on the door. Lexa froze.

The kids were upstairs. Clarke was in the kitchen. Lexa’s eyes got blurry but she saw a whoosh of blonde through the haze. Clarke went to get the door.

Lexa pushed herself ahead to go closer towards the doorway.

Clarke pulled the door open and Lexa watched as Clarke greeted her mom, a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and then she went on to greet a man who had accompanied Abby here.

Then all eyes were on Lexa.

“Abby…” Lexa began to say, looking into the eyes of a woman who was as close to a mother she’s ever had.

And before she knew what was happening, she was enveloped in a hug. And a tight one at that. Lexa allowed herself to fully feel this hug, this sign of affection. And in a way it radiated deep into her bones. It was comforting, and fulfilling and overwhelming. She finally wound her frozen hands around Abby too.

“It’s been too long” Abby whispered, her voice laboured, she was choking up with tears.

“I’m sorry” Lexa whispered. There was something about the way the Griffin women were able to break you. Lexa wasn’t even sure what she was apologizing for. But Abby hugged her tighter if that was even possible. And said softly, so that only she could hear “you’re not the one who needs to apologize, Lexa… I…”

They’re exchange was interrupted by the sound of two tiny feet running down the stairs and Aden’s voice screaming “Grandma’s here!”

They both quickly pulled apart and wiped at the tears rolling down their cheeks.

Aden ran into Abby’s arms and she carried him up and covered his face in kisses.

“What’s my little man been up to?” She asked.

“Grandma, meet my newest friend, Madi” he said as he pointed out to the little girl who was now standing before Lexa, leaning back against her, a little shy seeing that there were new faces in the house.

“Madi…”Abby said as she stepped closer, and leaned down so that she could be about the same height as the little girl.

“Hi… it’s nice to finally meet you” Abby said to her

“Hi Abby. It’s nice to meet you too.” Madi said shyly.

Abby looked up at Lexa and smiled “She’s beautiful”

Madi giggled. Lexa smiled proudly.

“Would you like to see what Aden and I have been painting?” Aden asked Abby

“Yes of course. How about I settle in and then you can show me” Abby said.

“Alright” Madi said. Aden wiggled himself out of Abby’s arms and grabbed Madi’s hand pulling her away saying, come on, let’s gather all the paintings together to show Grandma and Marcus”

That brought Lexa’s attention to the man in conversation with Clarke.

“I met him 2 years ago. He’s a nice man” Abby said to Lexa in explanation.

Lexa looked at Abby. She knew what Jake meant to this family. She’d been with them in their grief. She’d grieved with them too. After all these years, it was good to see Abby finding love again. Jake would be happy too.

“I’m sure he is.” Lexa said by way of acknowledgement.

Abby then turned to face Lexa again “We should talk, sometime tonight maybe.”

Lexa nodded, “okay…” Lexa’s face hardened then “but if it’s going to be about Clarke, I’m not sure I’m ready to have that conversation yet”

“It’s nothing you wouldn’t want to hear” Abby reassured, with a comforting squeeze of her shoulder. Lexa nodded.

“Come, let me introduce you to Marcus”

 

Later that night, at dinner, their dining table was surrounded. Anya and Raven had come over a little after 6 pm. Abby was more than delighted to meet Anya again. They had only ever met once or twice before. Madi was warming up well to Abby and Kane. It warmed Lexa’s heart to see Abby so gentle and warm with her daughter just as she was with Aden. She hoped Abby could become another strong female- figure in Madi’s life.

“Woods, you’re miles away” came Raven’s voice from across the table.

Lexa was brought out of her thoughts then. “Sorry, I was just thinking”

“So Clarke, any plans for your birthday this year” Marcus asked.

“Woah! Your birthday’s coming up, is it?” Anya asked.

Lexa almost choked on her food. Almost.

She’d never forgotten. Every year on that particular day, Lexa found herself drowning her sorrows in a few bottles of alcohol.  She would make sure Madi never saw this broken side of her by ensuring she was at a friend’s sleepover, or out somewhere with Anya.

This year, she’d forgotten. It probably had something to do with the fact that she was still finding it hard to believe she’s back here in the same house with Clarke.

“It is. But really, it’s no big deal. I really don’t want to do anything”

“Bullshit!” came Raven’s voice.

“Language!” came Both Abby and Clarke’s scolding tone.

“I’m sorry. But all I’m saying is, we can’t not celebrate your birthday, Clarke.”

“Raven, really. I don’t want anything. I’ll be more than happy with just dinner here, like this. With family and friends”

“Alright but it needn’t be as low key as this. Come on! Let me throw you a party. I’m sure Anya and Lexa will help me out too”

Clarke’s eyes hesitantly gazed towards Lexa then. She was lost in thought again.

“Lexa?” Raven asked.

“Sorry what?” Lexa said.

“Help me plan a nice party for Clarke?”

Lexa looked at Clarke then. Her face blank. “Yea sure, why not.” she said, still expressionless.

Clarke hated this.

“It can be just us, and maybe we can call Luna.”

“And Harper and her boyfriend” Abby added.

“And those friends of yours who run the café near the gallery…” Raven said

“Murphy and Emori?”Clarke asked

“YES!” Raven said.

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse me guys, I’m not feeling too well” Lexa interrupted the discussion and got up from her seat.

“Hey, what’s wrong Lexa?” Anya asked her, but Lexa walked briskly away upstairs.

Clarke looked upset too.

“I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?” Raven asked, clueless.

Anya reached out to place her hand over Raven’s in a comforting gesture. “No, it’s not you”


	22. Chapter 22

About an hour later, the kids were tucked into bed, and Lexa had kissed Madi goodnight, making sure to frizzle up Aden’s hair and wish him a goodnight as well before leaving the room.

She headed back to her own room, she could hear Clarke and Raven downstairs, they were probably sipping on some wine together, a ritual, Lexa had come to understand they practice quite regularly. She wondered if the wine helped Clarke sleep better. Especially if nightmares came to her most nights.

Lexa wanted to do everything to keep her mind off the fact that in another week it would be Clarke’s birthday and she’s right here. And she doesn’t want to have to do anything about it. All she really wants to do is forget. And for that she needs her privacy and her bottle of vodka.

Lexa picked up the book she had been reading earlier when she fled to her room and kept it away on the mini bookshelf she’s set up for herself here.

There was a knock on the door. Lexa turned around to find Abby standing there with a warm smile.

“Can I come in, kiddo?”

“Abby, yea, sure”

“Are you felling okay?” Abby asked.

“As okay as I can feel given that I’m back here now” Lexa said.

They sat down on the edge of the bed, sharing a comfortable silence.

“I wanted to apologize. On behalf of Clarke.”

“Abby... You don’t have to take responsibility for her mistakes…”

“I know I don’t. But I never expected her to do such a thing, none of us did.” Abby said.

“I don’t want to talk about…” Lexa began to say.

“She came to my doorstep one day. Tears falling down her cheeks, her eyes puffy and red. She had her bags with her. Like she’d intended on staying over, long”

Lexa looked at Abby now, needing to hear her out.

“I didn’t know anything, Lexa. This was about a month or so after you’d left and I’d only come to know when she told me that day”

“I’m sorry, I had to leave” Lexa said.

“Don’t apologize from running far far away from home. You were cheated on. I understand why you did what you did”

Lexa nodded. “She told me what she’d done. She told me you left. And then she told me she was pregnant.”

Lexa’s hands were shaking. Abby reached out and held them both in her hand.

“Lexa, she cried so bitterly in my arms that night telling me how she wanted to abort the child if it was Bellamy’s, but every bone in her body felt like she had finally conceived from all those trips to the clinic trying to have the baby you’ll chose.”

Lexa had tears falling endlessly. She wanted Abby to stop. None of this made sense in her head.

“I don’t understand…” Lexa whispered.

“I convinced her to have the baby. Because something in the back of my mind told me that if you never came back, she would have lost herself. And if the slightest chance of feeling near to you would mean having that baby, even if there was a 50% chance he or she may not be yours, I wanted her to take that chance.”

“Abby why are you here?! Why are you telling me this!” Lexa was angry. Hurt.

“Because Aden kept Clarke alive. She gave up alcohol, she started eating better, she started working out, she did yoga, and she cleaned up her act. She took on motherhood like a pro. Only because she could feel it in her entire being that this baby was the baby you were supposed to have together. She believed with all her heart she was having your baby. She stayed with me for those 9 months and I would hear her talk to her belly about you, I heard her telling stories at night, about how much you would love him when you came back…if you ever came back.”

“Please Abby, I don’t want to hear any more of this right now…” Lexa begged. She couldn’t handle all this information. Not right now.

Abby then pulled Lexa in and embraced her.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry she did this to you, I’m sorry these 4 years stood between you and her, and I’m sorry if I’m putting you through more pain…”

“Mommy” came a small voice from the doorway. Lexa quickly looked the other way and wiped furiously at her tears. Needing to look put together for her little one.

Abby stood up. Lexa walked on over to Madi “Hey baby, what are you up?”

“I had a bad dream, mommy” Madi rubbed at her eye.

“Aww sweetie… C’mere” Lexa carried her in her arms and brought her to her own bed.

“I’m going to leave you to it. Goodnight Lexa, I’ll see you in the morning” Abby said and let herself out.

Lexa, got into bed with Madi, and hugged her close, lightly tracing her soft skin and whispering soothing words to her until she was calm and had forgotten about her nightmare completely.

“Did Abby hurt you, mommy?”

“What? No sweetie.”

“Then why were you crying, mommy?”

Lexa looked at her angel with so much love and smiled.

“Mommy’s been carrying some pain for a while honey. But it’s nothing that a kiss from you can’t cure.” Lexa explained.

Madi leaned in and kissed Lexa’s nose. Lexa chuckled then and said, “All better now.”

It took another few minutes until both mother and daughter were out.

 

The next morning, Lexa woke up angry. She skipped breakfast. Walked straight past Clarke behind the kitchen island, Abby sitting with the kids, she kissed Madi and Aden’s head’s lovingly, yet in a hurry and stormed out the door.

She drove around the place for a while, needing to be far far away from Clarke for now. She finally drove to Anya’s place.

She let herself in, only to find Anya whipping up some eggs for breakfast. She sat herself down on one of the kitchen bar stools.

Anya looked nervous but Lexa hadn’t noticed. Even if she did she didn’t give it much thought.

“I don’t want to live there anymore” Lexa said.

“Lex…”

“No don’t try to convince me otherwise. I just can’t. Abby spoke to me yesterday and I know she was trying to get me to see Clarke’s pain through it all, but I can’t get my mind off the fact that for 9 months she bore the child not knowing if it was Bellamy’s or a child conceived from the clinic.

“Listen honey…”

“I can’t wait for that place to clear out so that Madi and I can move out of there and move into a new home” Lexa continued.

“Hey Anya… I left your clothes in the laundry basket…” came a voice Lexa was all too familiar with. Lexa turned to see who it was and found Raven, stopped dead in her tracks from the direction of Anya’s bedroom.

“Raven?” Lexa exclaimed.

Raven gulped. Anya then began “Uhh… she was here last night, we were discussing Clarke’s birthday. Then it got late so I asked her to stay over…”

If Lexa didn’t already have 100 thoughts running through her mind per minute about Clarke, she would have teased Anya about the fact that she let Raven stay over, but she did have 100 thoughts running through her mind per minute about Clarke so she let it slide.

“Yea. What she said. Anyway, what are you doing here? Did Clarke not make you breakfast?” Raven asked as she came up to sit beside Lexa.

“That’s just it. She’s all around me and everywhere and Aden is my kid too, and she’s growing fond of Madi, she makes all of my favourite food just like the old days and she’s trying so hard to get through to me, and I’ve got this huge wall built around me, and she’s trying so hard to break it, and I’m trying so hard to just keep it rock-solid, hold it up so she doesn’t get in ever again”

“But why?” Raven interrupted

Lexa looked at her in shock. “Why? Cause she cheated on me Raven”

“But she never stopped loving you” Raven explained.

Lexa huffed in annoyance.

“And you never stopped loving her” Anya said softly.

“In fact the whole reason you’re here, I think, is because she’s getting through the cracks in that wall and you’re too afraid to let her in”

“You’re damn right I’m afraid. Cause this time it’s not just me who’s going to get hurt. I have to think about Madi too”

“She’s not going to hurt you again, Lexa.” Raven said.

“You guys don’t get it”

“Look, fine, I get it, it’s not working out in your head. There’s just another two weeks to go before that other place clears out. Just hang in there for another two weeks and then you can leave all of this behind you. Clarke, Aden, her betrayal, all those years you’ll have shared since you’ll were kids. You can forget it all and start anew.”

Lexa looked pensive for a moment. She then got up, said goodbye and left.


	23. Chapter 23

After she shut the door behind her.

“Why are you giving her that out?” Raven asked Anya, seemingly upset.

“I’m playing with her head. I know for a fact when she’s in this state of mind she doesn’t think clearly. You’ve got to say the right things when she’s in this mood.”

“I hope you know what you’re doing.” Raven said

“I do, trust me” Anya said.

Her phone then buzzed. A text from Lexa.

“If you’re fucking Raven, and thinking you can hide that from me, you’re mistaken.”

Anya rolled her eyes and replied.

“She slept on the couch. I slept in bed”

“Whose clothes did she put in the laundry basket?” came Lexa’s reply.

“Mine. She needed a change of clothes at night, I let her borrow. That’s all”

“Hmmm” came Lexa’s reply.

 

Lexa returned home that morning to find everyone sitting around in the living room, Abby, Marcus, the kids and Clarke included. She acknowledged them and then walked towards the staircase, needing to go upstairs and freshen up.

“Lexa, wait…” came Clarke’s voice

“I can’t do this right now Clarke…” Lexa said, not stopping her walk up the staircase.

But Clarke continued to follow.

“You have to know I didn’t ask mom to come talk to you. I had no clue. I don’t know what she’s told you, but it’s not everything.”

“Clarke. Don’t. Please.” Lexa begged.

“Why won’t you look at me?! Or listen to me for that matter.” Clarke said.

Lexa heard the exasperation in her voice. She heard the heaviness, knew Clarke had tears, knew she was choking up.

She finally turned around.

“YOU.KNOW.WHY!” she said. Anger so blatant in her eyes that Clarke took a step back.

Lexa immediately schooled her features. She had no intention of scaring Clarke.

“You have to let me explain. Mom doesn’t know all of it…” Clarke tried again.

“CLARKE. Listen to me, and listen to me good. I have no intention of getting back with you, no matter what you may have to say to me about that day, or the weeks before, or the 4 years that have gone by. I’m here for another week. And then we’re leaving. I’m done.”

Clarke froze in place. Tears rolling down her cheeks of their own accord.

“A week? I thought you said you were here for a month. That’s 2 more weeks to go.” Clarke said softly, addressing the easiest issue of all the things Lexa had just said.

“I spoke to the broker this morning, asked him if he can hurry with clearing out the place we want to live in. He said he could manage something and maybe give it to us a week earlier than planned.”

Clarke looked away now, wiping the tears falling endlessly.

“I knew you were not too happy about coming back here. I didn’t realize it was so bad that you can’t wait to get out of here.”

“Clarke…” Lexa felt she needed to make it seem less painful than what Clarke was making it out to be.

“Anya told me you’ll want to hurt me as much as I hurt you. I said I’ll take it all. I’ll take anything if it means someday you’ll want me back, you’ll love me back…”

“Listen…” Lexa tried.

“No, I get it, that won’t happen. I heard you loud and clear. But I’m begging you, for Aden’s sake, don’t leave him now, not after he’s met you and Madi. He may not know you the way I do, but I can see him growing fond of you. And I don’t want him to lose you. I’ll stop getting in your way and I’ll stop begging you to love me again. But please, if you’re leaving home, don’t forget him.”

“He’s my son. I would never hurt him.” Lexa promised. She then gave Clarke one last look and walked away towards her room.

 

The next few days were quite tough to say the least. Clarke kept trying her best to stay out of Lexa’s way. So much so that when Lexa entered a room, Clarke would leave. And Lexa hadn’t meant for it to turn out this way, she never wanted Clarke to feel like she can’t move around freely in her own home. If Clarke thought by making herself scarce before Lexa it was causing her less pain, Lexa found it was doing quite the opposite, she hated that when she came downstairs for breakfast, breakfast was already laid out and Clarke was nowhere to be seen. She hated that Clarke would eat dinner early, or later at night, just to avoid Lexa.

She hated that when Clarke passed her by, she wouldn’t look into her eyes like she used to. She hated that maybe, just maybe, Clarke had given up. But wasn’t that what she wanted in the first place? For Clarke to stop trying to repair things. She had wanted that. Then why did it feel so wrong all of a sudden.

Aden though, just as Clarke had said, was growing too fond of Lexa. He wanted to go out with them sometimes, when Lexa took Madi shopping, or just for a walk. He loved when Lexa carried him and kissed his cheeks. He especially loved when Lexa would volunteer to read to him. He used to love it when Aunt Rae rae would read to him in the evenings on weekends, and now, he loved that Lexa could do the same.

He found that Lexa was doing a lot of what his Aunt rae rae used to do and he didn’t mind it. They were both so lovely to him and always bought him cool toys to play with.

One night, Lexa was sitting on her bed and watching Madi colour in one of her school books, right next to her when Aden came to her door.

“Hey there munchkin, C’mere” she said to him. 

He looked nervous. It alarmed Lexa. She wondered where Clarke was. It was late and if he felt unsafe he would have gone to her first. She sat up straighter and almost got up to carry him, knowing that would comfort him. But he stepped forward and crawled onto the bed to sit cross legged beside Madi and facing Lexa.

“What’s wrong buddy? Where’s momma?” Lexa asked him, reaching out to caress his sweet face.

“Momma’s asleep. I didn’t want to wake her.”

“Okay… are you alright?”

“I wanted to ask you something and its okay if you don’t want to do it.”

Lexa’s curiosity knew no bounds, what could the little boy possibly want that she would say no to.

“Shoot. I’m all ears” she assured him.

“This coming Friday is my class’ Open Day. Everyone has to bring their parents to school...”

“Ah-ha?” Lexa urged him to continue.

“Momma came last year. But everyone else had two parents and I only had one. And Johnny kept teasing me. And I didn’t want to tell momma cause I didn’t want to hurt her. But I want to take 2 parents to open day too.”

Lexa knew what was coming, she waited him out.

“Will you be my second parent?” he asked. And he looked so hesitant, so scared to let the words out.

Madi chuckled. Lexa pulled him in for a hug and kissed his head and said

“I would love to, Aden.”

“Really?” He exclaimed, as if he expected her to say no.  

“Really!” Lexa said to him. “But only if your mom’s okay with that.”

“We can tell her tomorrow. I don’t think she’ll say no” he said excitedly.

 “But baby, you have to know, there’s nothing wronf with having one parent. Your mom is so strong she makes up for it all”

“I know that. That’s what I told Johnny too” he said proudly.

“but I’d like if you came anyway”

It was a huge momemt. Aden inviting her to take that place of a second parent. He had no clue about her history with his momma.  Yet here he was, wanting her to come with them.

Lexa thought to herself for a second. Going to Aden’s school with Clarke. It was one of those fantasies she may have had when she first saw the prototype photo at the clinic. And it was going to come true. For a moment she let herself forget about everything that happened between that day and now.

She wondered then if Clarke would be okay with it. They hadn’t had any interaction in so long. And going to Aden’s school with her, that was huge. But she had promised she would be there for Aden. She was going to keep that promise no matter what.


	24. Chapter 24

Lexa woke up a little earlier the next day. She had set her alarm early so that she could catch Clarke at breakfast. She went downstairs just in time to find Clarke at the couch, tying up her shoe laces to go out for a run. As usual, breakfast was ready and set out for the rest of them whenever they were up. Lexa walked towards Clarke

“Clarke…”

Clarke looked up, startled for a moment at the voice. She then sat still, staring at Lexa before her.

Lexa couldn’t help but notice how her gaze never changed. Clarke had love eyes for Lexa. All the time, even when she was angry, or like right now, trying not to show that she was supposed to be avoiding her at all costs.

“If you’ve got a minute, I wanted to talk to you about something…” Lexa waited.

“Yea sure…” Clarke stood up, so that she was now face to face with Lexa.

Lexa’s eyes met blue, and it felt like coming home. But she couldn’t let herself get distracted. She tried to focus her gaze on anything other part of her face than her eyes. That’s when she realized, there was no part of Clarke’s face that would not cause something to move in her.

So she decided to stare down at the ground.

“Aden came to my room last night...”

“I’m sorry, i told him that if he ever has a bad dream to come to me and not bother anyone else…” Clarke began to explain.

Lexa looked up at her then “no no, it’s no bother. I mean he didn’t come to me because of a bad dream, but even if he did, that would be fine with me… I mean, if that’s fine with you first” Lexa said.

Lexa hated how careful they had started being around each other. But the situation called for it. She didn’t want to overstep her role.

“I don’t understand… why did he come to you then?” Clarke looked so confused.

“He asked me if I would come along with you two for his class open day. He said all the other kids bring two parents and his friends teased him the last time because he brought one…”

“Oh” Clarke said. And then she looked pensive.

Lexa felt the need to say more “I told him that while I would love to, he should ask you first if you’re okay with it…”

“Yea, umm that’s fine with me…” Clarke said, but she still looked deep in thought.

That’s when Lexa realized what was probably going through Clarke’s head.

“I talked to him Clarke. I told him that he shouldn’t feel that he has anything less just because you’re a single mom. I told him that his momma has all the strength in the world to make up for two parents. And he told me he already knows that. So no, don’t you go thinking he thinks you’re not enough. Aden looks up to you for being so great.”

Clarke looked at Lexa and appreciated that she was actually trying to make her feel good. She did feel better after hearing what Lexa told Aden. She wondered though if Lexa believed it herself. It would mean more if she did.

“And if it helps, I think so too. I think you’re really strong brining him up on your own these past few years. He’s a wonderful, kind and smart kid.”

This warmed Clarke’s heart. She hadn’t realized how much Lexa’s approval meant to her until she received it.

Lexa had walked away now and was walking up to her room again, but she heard the sobs. She heard Clarke crying. And for the first time this month she allowed herself to recognize an instinct in her that wanted so bad to go over and embrace Clarke. She couldn’t understand it. After everything, her heart still defied her brain.

It was Friday morning and Clarke was all dressed for Aden’s class open day. She was pouring Madi and Aden a glass of juice when Lexa came downstairs all dressed up in a smart looking poair of trousers, a shite shirt covered in a black blazer.

“Does this look fine for an open day” Her question was directed at Clarke, but Clarke ignored it. Madi was quick to answer instead.

“Oooo, yes, very “mommy”” she said with air quotes. Clarke and Aden chuckled at that and Lexa kissed her head and said “You, miss, are too smart for your age.”

Madi chuckled. Lexa sat beside her on one of the bar stools and opened the buttons of her blazer. She noticed Clarke get distracted by that, her eyes drawn to Lexa’s fingers as they popped the buttons open.

Clarke’s eyes met Lexa’s for a moment. But before Lexa could raise her brows, they were gone.

Lexa huffed and ate in silence.

On their way to the school, Lexa had offered to drive. The kids were in the backseat. They were going to drop Madi off at her school, and then head towards Aden’s.

Lexa looked at the rear-view mirror and confirmed that the kids had busied themselves with some topic about a cartoon show they both loved. She then looked to the side to find Clarke deep in thought

“Listen, Clarke. Let’s discuss how we’re going to play this out?”

“Huh?” Clarke looked confused “what do you mean?”

“Well, aren’t the other parents going to wonder where a second parent is come from? what’s the story?”

“Oh, umm, we don’t have to worry much about that… I don’t mingle with the rest of the parents much. So we may not need one at all.”

Lexa was surprised at that. “Why not?”

“I just don’t like them. They’re all pretty two-faced and just… bitchy”

“Oh, yea, I know what you mean…”

“Do you have that problem with other parents at Madi’s school too?”

“Yea yea… everyone’s just out to show off that their kid is the best and that they have the best lives ever."

Clarke laughed at this, but then, almost as if she caught herself doing something she shouldn’t, she stopped herself.

Lexa tried making conversation again “What about PTA meetings? What do you do then?”

“I speak when spoken to”

 “I guess that’s okay” Lexa said.

The open day went well, Aden’s teacher was happy to meet Lexa, Not asking any questions either in fact. Aden went around telling everyone that Lexa was his other mommy and Lexa found it cute.

Aden’s teacher had so much to say about Aden’s progress at school. She wouldn’t stop raving about what a bright student he is and how he’s so talented and helpful. He gets along well with the other kids at school and how he’s such a respectable little boy for his age.

Lexa felt proud and she could only imagine the pride Clarke felt in her heart every time the teacher praised his skills.

They were just about ready to leave, Lexa having promised Aden an ice cream on their way back home, when Clarke remembered she had left her purse back at his classroom. She walked back with Aden to retrieve it and Lexa waited for them by the car.

She was staring at her phone, deleting some useless messages when she heard a man’s voice call out “Lexa?”

She looked up to find the one face she never wanted to see again.

“Bellamy” she said, keeping a straight face

“Wow. You’re back in town, I never thought I’d run into you again” he approached her slowly.

“I was hoping for the same” she said coldly.

Bellamy looked down and said “I know things were bad the last time I saw you. But you have to know…”

“What’s going on?” came Clarke’s voice as she came to stand beside Lexa. Real close at that, Lexa noticed.

“Clarke, it’s nice to see you and Lexa back together again…”Bellamy began

“We’re not…” Clarke began to say but was interrupted when Lexa put her arm around her and pulled her closer, and kissed her temple.

“Well, I better get going, Echo’s waiting for me inside.” he smiled and walked away.

Lexa slowly brought her hand away from Clarke’s waist, trying not to make eye contact. She opened the door of her car to get inside when Clarke said “What was that?”

Lexa huffed a sigh and said “He doesn’t need to have any kind of satisfaction, thinking he was successful in ruining things between us”

“But that’s the truth isn’t it? So what exactly were you trying to prove to him?” Clarke said angrily.

Truth was, Lexa didn’t have an answer. She didn’t know why she did what she did, and she didn’t know what she was trying to prove, but she acted out of pure instinct a part of her that wanted to show the world that Clarke belonged to her and her alone, a part of her that wanted to show Bellamy that Clarke is being cared for.

“Everything’s going well today Clarke, why do you have to ruin it right now?”

“GOING WELL? Are you kidding me right now? Not just a few days ago you told me that nothing between us could be fixed. Yet here you are acting like it’s all okay, trying to show the world that you actually care for me. When you stopped a long time ago. Why can’t you make up your mind? You either want to give this a chance or you don’t. I can’t deal with in between.”

“You don’t get to talk about care, Clarke. You’re the one who couldn’t care less about me when he was fucking you senseless.”

Clarke gasped.

Lexa continued louder this time, more anger making its way through. “He’s got the nerve to think he can still come up to you and me to talk. You must have been one fine fuck to him, a tight hole to ram his dick into.” she said in disgust, her eyes roaming Clarke’s body.

What she didn’t see coming was the sting her face felt when Clarke’s soft hand came up to slap her. What she didn’t see coming was the tears that flowed freely from Clarke’s eyes. What she didn’t see coming was Clarke running back towards the school building, trying hard to hide her face full of tears.

 


	25. Chapter 25

Lexa touched her cheek, she was sure it may have turned red. But she probably deserved it. Once again, she had no control over her anger, hurting Clarke in the process.

Aden was walking towards the car now, so Lexa tried to school her features, needing to seem normal for him.

“Hey buddy”

“Where’s momma? I wanted to go to the loo so I told her I’ll meet her at the car.”

“She had to go back in for something, baby. Why don’t you sit in. she’ll be right out.”

The boy happily sat in the backseat and Lexa waited patiently outside the car, her eyes fixed on the school building entrance. After about 10 minutes she spotted Clarke walking out. Her eyes red rimmed and puffy. It caught a few people’s attention and she felt super bad about it.

When Clarke was closer she said “Clarke…I…”

“Let’s go home” was all she got from Clarke before she sat in the passenger seat.

They began to drive, and somehow, on their way, Aden had picked up on the mood in the car. He was quiet and pensive. Lexa tried making conversation with him but he didn’t want to talk much.

Lexa stopped the car outside the ice cream parlour then turned around and asked him

“Come on buddy, let’s go get you some ice cream”

“I don’t want ice cream anymore” Now Clarke turned to look at him too. He looked sad.

“Why not baby, we’re celebrating, you had such a good year at school”

“I’m not feeling like ice cream anymore” he said

“Okay bud, what do you want to have instead? You name it, I’ll take you there”

“I’m not hungry” he said and looked out the window.

Lexa looked towards Clarke for assistance on what to do next. All Clarke said was, “Let’s go”

So Lexa continued their drive on home.

On reaching home, Aden ran inside quickly. Clarke strode in and Lexa tried to catch up with her. She knew she’d hurt Clarke immeasurably with her words and she wished she could take them back.

“Clarke… I’m sorry...”

She turned to face Lexa and said softly “You said what you had to say Lexa. You don’t have to apologize for it”

Lexa wanted to say so much but her own feelings were conflicted now. She was beginning to care so much about what Clarke thought and about how Clarke must feel. In retrospect, she came here with an intention to show Clarke how she couldn’t care less. But the fact is, there was always a part of her that loved Clarke. That would care for Clarke. But seeing Bellamy today really brought out her anger. It was like being transported back to that day all over again. So could she really help it?

All her anger was trying to make it’s way out, and Lexa couldn’t wait for the day when she would just be exhausted of it, exhausted of making Clarke feel so horrible.  

She walked inside to find Raven and Anya home. Anya had picked Madi up from school and they were all congratulating Aden on a good year.

Raven then came towards the kitchen and started scooping out some ice cream in a few bowls.

“Where did that come from?” Lexa asked her.

“Clarke told me he wanted ice cream and then he changed his mind. Knowing him, we knew he’d come home and want ice cream again. So she texted me asking me to pick some up on my way here”

“Oh” Lexa said.

There was a small part of her that wishes she had these insights into Aden’s mind, she wished she knew him the way Clarke did, and she wished she had been part of Aden’s last 4 years. She wished Clarke would rely on her instead of Raven when it came to caring for Aden.

“What happened? What did you say to Clarke this time? She came in red-eyed and upset and said she needed some time to herself” Raven stated while filling a few bowls with ice cream.

“We ran into Bellamy…” Lexa began by way of explanation.

“Enough said.” Raven said, understanding that running into him would have caused some kind of words to be exchanged between them.

“Anyway, tomorrows Clarke’s birthday. You’re going to be around right?”

Lexa nodded “I suddenly don’t know if that’s a good idea or not. Given everything that’s been going on, maybe I should stay away.”

“Knowing Clarke, she’d want you around” Raven said and walked away to serve ice cream to the others.

Lexa looked towards the top of the staircase, she wondered if she should go talk to Clarke right now while the kids were busy downstairs.

She walked slowly towards the door to Clarke’s room, she knocked but got no answer. So she pushed the door gently and peeked in, calling out softly “Clarke… it’s me” she looked around but found Clarke wasn’t here, closer inspection led her to figure out Clarke was in the shower.

It then hit her, the gravity of where she was standing. It had been so long. So very long since she was last here, since she stood in this bedroom, their bedroom.

It hit her so hard, she found her legs getting weak. She didn’t realize how, but she was now seated at the edge of their bed, trying to slow her breathing down. She looked around the room, nothing much had changed. Everything was in the same place since the day she left. Except, the pictures of them had been taken down. All but one. One that Lexa now spotted peeking out from under Clarke’s pillow.

Lexa reached out and took it in her hands. She stared at the beautiful picture of them, it was their first Christmas together and someone had captured a candid click of a very private moment they were sharing by the tree. Lexa had her arm around Clarke and she had just said something that was apparently all too hilarious for Clarke who had a head tilted back in laughter, but the way Lexa held her, the love eyes she had for only her, it was all so… beautiful. Lexa missed it, she missed seeing Clarke this way, carefree, hers, so in love.

She missed being the reason Clarke could have these moments of joy. She missed her old life. She hadn’t realized when the tears began to fall, but a sound from the shower brought her back from her reverie. She quickly wiped her tears and walked towards the door to their bathroom.

After all these years, she didn’t know where they stood. She decided it wasn’t her place to enter in, to reach out right now and offer comfort, but listening in to Clarke sobbing in the shower hurt too much. She wanted so bad to go in there and hold her and tell her they will be okay, tell her she was sorry about the way she was acting out, sorry that they’ve reached here.

She sat down on the floor, leaning her back against the door and stared at the photograph in her hands. She wanted to make it right. She wanted to be over her anger. She wanted to be able to forgive Clarke, but it was just so difficult to put the past behind her, so difficult to forget the pain she had to go through. But this photograph, it looked so easy, it looked so easy to love Clarke, it was simple, and she used to let her heart feel what it wanted to feel when she was around Clarke. These days, her brain wouldn’t let her heart have a say at all.

It was all about keeping her distance, never letting Clarke get close to that wall. If Clarke got close, she may start breaking it down, or she’ll find a way in, and if she found a way in, she’d have the power to break her once again. And Lexa had survived it once, she didn’t think she would be able to do it again.

She was so lost in thought, that she hadn’t heard the shower being turned off, she hadn’t heard movement behind the door, and she wasn’t prepared for when the door was pulled open and she almost fell backwards.

She quickly stood up and faced Clarke.  Lexa had planned on saying so much, had wanted to apologize for the filthy things she’d said near the car earlier, wanted to tell her how she’s trying hard to find the right outlets for her anger but it keeps coming out wrong, she wanted to ask Clarke about their photos, about this one photo and if she slept with it under her pillow every night.

She had wanted to ask Clarke to continue doing that if it brings her any comfort, at least until she was ready to try things out again. (Wait what, is that where she wanted this to go?), but every thought she’d had while sitting out there, died on her tongue when she was faced with Clarke Griffin, clad in a towel wrapped around her.

“Lexa” Clarke said, still in shock that Lexa had been outside the bathroom, she probably heard her crying and Clarke had never wanted that. She didn’t deserve to be the one crying when Lexa was the one who had been wronged all those years ago. She had hurt Lexa and not the other way around. But could she really help it. The tears came of their own accord these days. Was she allowed to cry when she had caused their separation in the first place? She was allowed to cry because the one woman she loves may have insinuated that she sees her as a total whore.

And just thinking about it was making her eyes water again. All the scrubbing she had just done, all the exfoliation she kept doing, nothing has ever made her felt clean since that day four years ago, and now, more so after Lexa had said those things to her. Her skin burned, she wished she could have her old skin back, the one touched only by Lexa, the one Lexa would love right now. She looked down at her feet, shame coming upon her again, she wanted to get out of this situation, she couldn’t stand before Lexa right now, not like this. Her skin tingled with the cool air of the room touching it.


	26. Chapter 26

“How long were you out here?” Clarke asked softly.

Lexa was silent. Too silent. And Clarke was so tempted to look up. She wanted to look at Lexa. But she was still so overcome with shame, she hated this body and she hated the possibility of being met with more anger in Lexa’s eyes if she looked up right now.

‘She’s talking to you, say something. She’s waiting for you to talk. Fucking talk, LEXA!’ an internal voice scolded her. She quickly cleared her throat, swallowed thickly and let her eyes leave Clarke’s creamy toned skin, whatever was bare for now.

“Ummm… I… I was…I just…”

It was now that Clarke looked up. There was something about Lexa’s voice, it had dropped a few tones lower. And Clarke knew this voice. She knew when Lexa was rendered to this voice. It had been too long but she would never forget.

Blue eyes found green. But green wouldn’t meet hers. In fact, Lexa’s eyes were still focused a little lower than Clarke’s chin, her neck, her collar bone, and the skin just above where the towel was tied around.

Lexa’s eyes had turned dark. And she was distracted. Clarke stood there, unable to move now.

“Lex…” she began to say…  
  
Lexa now looked right into her eyes and the minute their eyes met, Clarke could have sworn something moved within her. And as if she was in a trance, Lexa took careful steps forward, her eyes locked to Clarke’s

They were about a foot apart from each other now, Clarke hadn’t realized when her heart had begun to race, but suddenly, she felt all too naked before Lexa, she wondered if this was wrong, she wondered if she was hurting Lexa further by being here, by having not put on her clothes.

But then Lexa’s fingers were on her cheek, her gaze following the place her fingers were leaving a warm trail, Clarke closed her eyes.

This had to be a dream, her skin erupted with goose bumps, it had been so long… so long since she’d felt Lexa touch her like this…

Clarke shivered. Lexa’s fingers traced her jawline, her neck and finally, they came down to her shoulders, her chest, right above where the corner of her towel was tucked in. Lexa knew every inch of Clarke’s body, even after all these years, she remembers making love to Clarke like it was yesterday, that brought her gaze to Clarke’s lips, and she saw Clarke biting down on the corner of her lip, she noticed her eyes closed, like she was too focused on where Lexa’s fingers were currently on.

And as if the devil took over her mind, her brain began to wonder if this was what Clarke looked like when she came under Bellamy.

A strangled, pained cry made its way out of her throat and Clarke’s eyes shot open in worry, only to find Lexa had turned around, her back to Clarke now…

“Lexa…”

“Clarke… could you put on some clothes?”

Her voice was back to normal.

Clarke’s eyes brimmed with tears, but so did Lexa’s.

“What are you doing here Lexa?” Clarke asked, choking on a sob.

“I came here to apologize about earlier, Clarke.”

“Why apologize when you were going to hurt me again…” came Clarke’s response. She continued when Lexa didn’t say more.

“You don’t have to say it Lexa, you can’t look at me right now because this is not the same body you loved. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I’ve tried so hard to scrub at my skin… to make it better, to make it yours again, to wash out the wrong… but this is me, this is who I am, I’m ugly and dirty, and imperfect… and if that’s hurting you further, then why did you come here? To make me feel even more ashamed of the body I have to live with, to ridicule me this way by touching me one second and turning away like you touched garbage the next.”

Clarke’s questions were cut off when Lexa’s lips found hers. It was angry, so angry and tortured and painful, but it was a kiss nonetheless. A kiss that shocked Clarke’s body to the core. She wasn’t expecting it. Not here. Not like this.

Lexa’s tongue fought for dominance, and Clarke found her body losing all control, she didn’t know when her arms wrapped themselves around Lexa and she didn’t realize how her leg was trying so hard to hook around her hips, but Lexa had pushed her to the wall beside the bathroom door and she was kissing her like she wanted to take her breath away.

It was rushed and Clarke could feel tears, she didn’t know whose tears belonged to whom anymore. Lexa’s hands stayed put, holding Clarkes face so she could have as much control as she needed.

It felt like ages until Lexa pulled back a little, still so close to Clarke’s face, but she wouldn’t open her eyes, for fear that what she may see would only make her want more.

“You’re nothing even remotely close to garbage. There’s nothing, no part of you that’s ugly or dirty, no matter what’s happened in the past… so please, stop punishing yourself, Clarke”

And with one last chaste kiss, Lexa pulled back and hasted out of the room, the photograph in hand, Clarke noticed.

Clarke slid down the wall, her fingers on her lips now, trying to keep that tingly feeling on them, Lexa had just kissed her. Her Lexa, Lexa the only woman she’s ever loved so much had kissed her, albeit with anger, but there was passion, so much of it, she had kissed her and Clarke should have felt happy, she should have felt elated. She should have felt on top of the world. But she curled in on herself and wept.

Lexa was holding back because of her mistakes.

 

Lexa ran downstairs, not caring that her feet were loud against the wooden planks, not caring that her rushing out the door caught everyone’s attention, including the kids.

“Lexa, where are you going?” Anya asked, but was answered with a slam of the front door.

“I’ll check on Clarke…” Raven said getting up from her seat.

“I’ll go after Lexa” said Anya while putting her coat on, and carrying an extra one for Lexa.

 

Anya had to take a few quick steps and run around the corner of the next block, struggling to catch up with Lexa. When she finally did, she caught hold of her wrist and made her stop in her tracks to look at her. That’s when Anya saw the tears, the red eyes, the puffy lips.

“Tell me what happened”

Lexa’s face contorted with more pain and then she spoke “I kissed her… I don’t know why I did it, but I did it.”

Anya was stunned, but she tried not to let her face show it.

“Let’s go get a drink?” Anya asked her as she wound her arm around her sister, pulling her close.

Lexa nodded and they walked towards the nearest bar.

 

“I can’t be here tomorrow. I can’t. I need my alcohol and I need to be alone, and I don’t want to see her.” The tears were coming back.

Anya took another sip of her beer. Lexa had narrated the whole thing to her, about the photograph, the sobbing in the shower, Clarke’s insecurities about her body, Clarke’s beautiful, beautiful body.

“It’s okay…it’s okay. You can stay at my place tomorrow” Anya said by way of comfort, she didn’t want to force her sister to do anything she didn’t want to anymore. Anya had done enough by just brining her here. Now it was really up to Lexa.

“I’d appreciate that” Lexa said honestly taking another sip of her beer. 

After a pause of silence between both of them, Anya asked.

“You still love her so much”

“I don’t know, Anya. I’ll never be able to trust her again.”

“But what made you kiss her?”

“I don’t know. When I think about it now, maybe I shouldn’t have. Cause I’m still so mad about it all. But god! If ever there comes a time where we learn to be okay around each other again,  I want to kiss her without feeling like I need to hurt her too. I want to hold her and not think about anyone else holding her. But its taking so long, I’m so afraid that if ever and by the time I’m ready, I will have done so much damage she may start hating me”

Anya was silent. She didn’t know what to say.

“Did I scare Madi?” Lexa asked.

“It’s only natural she would worry when her mom rushes out the door crying”

Lexa sighed. “We need to go home”

“I’ll call for the bill”

“Am I a horrible mom? To both of them? For being like this?” Lexa asked, so unsure of herself.

“No. Madi loves you. Aden looks up to you. They may not understand what you two are going through now. But one day they’ll get it.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

Lexa knocked on the kid’s room door and pushed it open, hoping to find Madi ready for bed, so she could talk to her about tomorrow, get her to understand that she may have somewhere else to be, but Madi should have fun anyway with Clarke, Raven, Anya, Aden and all the other guests who may come over through the day.

But what she found instead when she opened the door, was loud music, Aden and Madi dancing around with Clarke between them in the middle of the room.

“MOMMY! Come join us!” said Madi when she spotted her mom at the door.

Clarke stopped mid move and her whole body got stiff. Awkward. Aden however was still pretty clueless of the new entrant and was jumping around, lost in the music.

“It’s late, Madi, you should sleep” Lexa walked in, trying her best to keep her eyes off Clarke.

Clarke looked at the clock on the wall and realized Lexa had a point. She walked on over to where her portable speaker was kept on Aden’s bed, turned it off and said

“Mommy has a point”

Lexa felt something shift within her, hearing Clarke refer to her like that. It was so natural, should have felt real. Should have been more.

Lexa was still ignoring Clarke, and Clarke was beginning to notice. Lexa took Madi’s hand in hers and led her to her bed.

Clarke carried Aden in her arms then and walked on over to sit with him on his bed. But even while playing around with him and tickling his sides, she couldn’t help but listen in to the conversation that had suddenly turned tensed at the other side of the room, where Lexa was tucking Madi into bed.

“I have to honey. There’s a lot of work pending and I won’t be able to concentrate with so many people here tomorrow”

“Can’t you do it another day?” Madi whined.

“No, sweetie. I have to do it tomorrow. But don’t you worry, I’m sure you guys are going to have a lot of fun.”

“There’s no fun without you” Madi frowned and looked away, seemingly angry at her mom.

Lexa then caressed her face gently “Mommy needs to do this baby, I wish I could explain, but I need you to understand”

Madi seemed to realize then that this was important to her mom. “Okay. But what about the gifts we picked out?”

“You can give it to her on my behalf, I don’t mind”

“Okay mommy” she said and kissed Lexa on the nose.

Lexa chuckled. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you. You’re a beautiful, you know that”

“Oh I know” Madi said with a toothy grin.

 

By now Clarke had kissed Aden goodnight and he was already falling asleep, doused by his mom’s fingers playing in his hair.

Clarke was deep in thought. She waited until Aden was fast asleep, kissed his forehead gently once more, and then headed out to look for Lexa.

She knocked on her bedroom door.

“Yea?” came Lexa’s voice from inside.

“It’s me” Clarke said as she pushed the door open to find Lexa brushing her hair, ready to sleep.

“Clarke, what are you doing here?” Lexa wasn’t making eye contact.

“I couldn’t help but over-hear…” Clarke began.

“Yea, I’m sorry I was going to tell you tomorrow, uhhh… I have a lot of cases to go through for an upcoming review and being here tomorrow might just distract me…”

“Listen, Lexa… if you’re regretting what happened earlier and if that’s the reason you’re avoiding being around me tomorrow we can forget it ever happened. If you didn’t mean it to happen, and it just did, I understand… I won’t read anything into it…”

“Clarke, I…” Lexa began.

Clarke took a few steps closer to Lexa “We don’t have to talk about it at all. Just, be here tomorrow Lexa… it’s my birthday and…”

“I know that Clarke, but I have to go through those cases” Lexa said more firmly.

“Can’t you do it another time?” Clarke pleaded.

“No Clarke, I need to do them tomorrow”

Clarke was desperate now

“Please Lexa…”

“Why do you want me here so bad?” Lexa asked, exasperated.

“Why do you not want to be here so bad?” Clarke broke out. 

They were both silent. For a long while. Just staring deep into each other eyes.

“I meant what I said to you earlier, Clarke. I don’t regret any of it.”

Clarke waited her out.

“I’ve spent the last 4 years away from you on your birthday and I’m not sure who I am anymore around you. I don’t want to ruin your day. I have my own ways of coping with the memories of this day.”

Clarke allowed herself a moment to understand what Lexa was saying.

The blonde then chuckled, and said “That’s funny, but part of that is why I want you here in the first place. I’ve missed you Lexa. I’ve spent 4 birthdays without you and they’ve been miserable. You’re here now and I just want to at least be able to see you around when I look for you…” Clarke was being honest and real, and vulnerable and she hoped that it would touch Lexa somehow. 

Lexa was silent.

Clarke realized she may not get another word out of Lexa so she decided it was time for her to leave the room.

“I’ll leave you to it. I hope you’ll stay. Goodnight.”

Clarke turned to leave when from the corner of her eye she noticed the photograph on Lexa’s bed, right near her pillow.

Lexa spotted Clakre’s gaze on the photograph and felt panic arise in her at the thought of giving it back, she spoke all too soon.

“Do you mind if I keep this one?”

Clarke looked up at her.

“I took nothing with me when I left…” Lexa explained.

Clarke was finding it so hard to navigate these signs. But she nodded trying not to get her hopes high.

That was it, the conversation seemed to be over. So Clarke turned around to walk out.

“Clarke…” Lexa called out just before she could leave the room.

“Yea?” Clarke turned to look at Lexa.

“Happy birthday, Clarke.” Lexa said with a warm smile. Still too far away for her liking, but at least she was here for now.

Clarke smiled, and allowed it to reach her eyes and said “Thank you, Lexa. Goodnight”

“Goodnight”

Clarke turned around and left, closing the door softly behind her.

 

Lexa got into bed, pulled open her bedside drawer and took out the gift box. She opened it and stared at the locket.

It was Madi’s idea. She had come up to Lexa one day and said “Mom, remember when you gave me this locket… you told me that it was to be kept safe and I could only ever give it to someone I love, someone who I know will keep it safe too?”

“Yea baby, that’s right” Lexa had said to her

“I think we should gift it to Clarke, mommy. Along with the other gifts we picked out” Madi had said.

Lexa almost chocked on her own breath.

“Honey, are you sure?”

“Clarke’s so good to me mommy, she loves me and I can see that she cares for you too. I think she’d love the locket more than anything, and I know that shell keep it safe mommy, if she knows how important it is to us. Plus it’s so pretty, just like her.”

Lexa wanted to cry. Giving Clarke this locket meant much more than what Madi understood of it. Madi didn’t know half of it. Lexa wasn’t so sure then if she wanted to really make that move, if she was in a place in her head to be okay with Clarke having that locket again. She told Madi that she’ll think about it.

Now as she stared at the locket in a little gift box that Madi had insisted they put it in when she told Madi that she was okay giving Clarke this gift, she thought to herself that maybe, just maybe she could hope that things could be normal again. Just maybe, she and Clarke could rekindle their love for each other. It may not happen tomorrow, it may not happen day after, it was definitely not happening any time soon. But the locket would be some kind of promise of what Lexa and Madi want. They wanted Clarke and Aden to stay in their lives, no matter what role they may play to each other. And so what if Lexa was not ready to say it out loud just yet, Madi was. And anything that was good for Madi, Lexa hoped would be good for herself.

 


	28. Chapter 28

It was 7 pm. Lexa had been MIA since morning. Clarke had hoped she would run into her this morning at least when she was getting ready to leave for a run, but she realized Lexa had left even before she had awoken.

“Can I talk to you?” Clarke had said to Anya when Raven managed to draw the kids’, Abby and Kane’s attention to some story she was narrating.

Anya walked with her to the kitchen area and said “Shoot birthday girl”

Clarke chuckled “stop calling me that”

“Listen, you better start enjoying all this attention. Birthday’s come around just once a year”

 “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about…”

Anya knew what was coming.

“Did she really have cases to work on, or is she just avoiding me?”

Anya sighed, stared at the floor.

“Please be honest with me. Right now, the truth will be helpful.”

“You already know Clarke, it wasn’t easy for either of you these last 4 years, how do you think she spent your birthday, when all she could think about is the many happy memories you guys had made together on such a day”

“So then I should call her right? Talk to her, convince her that she doesn’t need to be away now that we’re here together.”

“It’s not that simple, Trust me she wants nothing more than to be around you. But sometimes you become a reminder of things that went horribly wrong and then that brings out her rage. And she’s just afraid she’ll ruin this day for you.”

Clarke thought for a moment.

“Is it stupid that even after knowing that, I still want her here?”

“It is. But you love her. So I understand.”

“Momma” came Aden’s voice “Can we eat cake now?”

Both Anya and Clarke chuckled at his impatience.

The plan was to do one celebration with the family this afternoon, and later, Abby and Kane would take the kids to their place for the night, so that Clarke’s friends could all come over and they could party for a while into the night without her having to worry about the kids.

“Come on, don’t think so much. It’s an easy-going day. Doesn’t need to be more complicated than this” said Anya and pulled Clarke back to where everyone was laughing together in the living room.

 

It was 9 pm. Lexa stood outside the door to her home. She had been sipping on alcohol for most of the day, trying to get her mind off Clarke. But this was the first time in 4 years that even alcohol was doing nothing but making Clarke’s face seem even more alluring in her head. She couldn’t stop thinking about her, and how she now had the chance to be nearer to her. She couldn’t take her mind off the fact that Clarke ‘wanted’ her around today. Clarke had pleaded with her. And that was all she had to do for Clarke on her birthday, be around. But she had opted out.

So here she was, bottles of vodka down, standing before the door and wondering how on earth had she made it here in one piece when she was so drunk, and secondly, what was she doing here?. Oh yes. She’s here to see Clarke. The only woman she’s ever really loved and the reason she drank her senses away today.

She raised her hand and knocked. She could use her own keys but that seemed like too much effort for all that drunkenness.

The door swung open and Lexa’s attention was drawn to the atmosphere inside, she wondered for a moment if she came to the right house. It was dimmer than ever, blue, green and red lights seem to be flashing everywhere. If her eyes hadn’t landed on Raven at the door quick enough, she would have sworn she was about to apologize for knocking on a strangers door and walk away.

“HOLY SHIT! You’re here!” Raven said and hugged Lexa.

Lexa swayed. She could tell Raven was happy high.

God, how much have you drank already? I can smell the alcohol on you”

Raven didn’t wait for her to answer, she simply pulled Lexa in and screamed out loud “Guys, LEXA’S HERE”

And Lexa heard and hazily saw the 10 odd people in the room who were standing around hooting and cheering and waving hi to her.

Lexa noticed the furniture had been moved around a bit to allow for some open space, some of the guest had some good moves in the centre of the room.

But Lexa’s eyes kept searching. She couldn’t spot the one woman she came here for. A hand caught hers then, it was Raven again.

“What are you drinking” Raven said as she led Lexa to the kitchen where bottles of liquor were lined up and everyone was welcome to pour their own drinks.

“ummm…”

“Come on, quick Woods!”

“Vodka…”

“One vodka, coming up” Raven poured her a glass and put it in her hands and poured herself another glass of rum.  She held it up to Lexa and said “For old time’s sake”

Lexa smiled at the memory. She and Raven would always get their drinks together in the past whenever they’ve had house parties. Lexa was never very social, but she liked Raven’s enthusiasm.

“Bottoms up?” Raven said after taking a sip.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea for me Rae…” Lexa began

“Oh come on don’t be a wuss” Raven teased.

So Lexa agreed.

They clinked their glasses together and went straight for it. Raven gulped it all down in one go, Lexa thought she had done the same, but then realized, the drink was partially on her face and on her clothes. She turned around ready to hit someone in their face when she realized a woman had bumped into her by mistake.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, I tripped on my heels” the woman nervously spoke to Lexa.

Raven burst out laughing. “Luna, only you could do such a thing” she said.

“Lexa, this is Luna, she’s the intern who works at Clarke’s gallery. Luna, this is Lexa. A friend of mine and Clarke’s”

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you, Lexa” said Luna.

Lexa shook her hand, and managed a warm smile. The woman was pretty. She had dark curly hair, sharp eyes and a firm handshake. But Lexa had other things to focus on today. She looked around once more and simply said

“Umm, speaking of Clarke, has anyone seen her?”

“She was on the phone a little while ago” said Luna. Lexa nodded.

“It’s only fair I pour you another drink, Lexa. I practically spilled yours” she said as she began to pour Lexa a new glass. Lexa appreciated the gesture. 

 

“Yes mom, Aden won’t go to sleep if the room is too dark.”

“And Madi won’t stop reading until you insist that the next chapter has a ghost in it”

“Yep that’s right...”

“Alright.”

“Yea it’s going fine”

“No mom, I’m not drunk”

“Because I’m not 15 years old anymore. I don’t want to get shitfaced”

“Those days are over mom, you know that. I’m just drinking a few beers tonight and I’ll probably end the party early too, I’m quite beat”

“No, she isn’t here”

“No that’s not the reason I want to end this early, I’m just tired.”

“Okay mom, if we go on like this, the party will end before I get back to it”

“Yes, okay, bye”

 

Clarke ended the call and got back out of her room to go downstairs to where her friends were all getting drunk and dancing around, when Harper passed her by and said

“Clarke, Lexa’s here. I just saw her enter with Raven”

Clarke’s heart began to beat faster, “Lexa’s here? Where is she now?”

Clarke found that harper was already rushing away making her way to the bathrooms, so she hurried downstairs, hoping to run into Lexa.

She spotted her. Lexa was standing by the kitchen island, talking to… Luna?

Clarke began to walk in that direction, when Monty caught her wrist and pulled her to dance with them, Clarke was really in no mood to dance, but her friends were all having a great time and she didn’t want to be a party pooper. So she decided to give in. If Lexa was here she could go talk to her in a bit.

“Babe, Lexa’s here” Raven said to Anya who was managing the playlist by the speaker set.

“What? Where? Is she okay?”

“She’s finnneee” Raven said… slurring and clinging on to Anya in a flirtatious manner.

“Okay you’ve had a little too much to drink…”Anya said with a smirk, watching Raven’s eyes scanning her face and lingering a little longer on her lips.

“I might kiss you tonight, in public. Would you hate me?” Raven said out of the blue.

Anya laughed. “I won’t, but why can’t you kiss me now?”

“Because I have a feeling you’re more worried about Lexa right now, and maybe you should go check on her, cause if you think I’m drunk, you should see her” raven laughed hysterically at herself.

Anya held her so that she wouldn’t fall, “okay, I’ll check on Lexa, but I want you to sit down first okay?”

“I will be fine, don’t worry” Raven said, still laughing at nothing in particular.

 

Lexa spotted Clarke behind Luna now. She was dancing. She looked happy, she looked beautiful. She looked, extraordinary.

“If you’re Clarke’s friend, how come she’s never mentioned you before?”

“Does she talk to you about her personal life?” Lexa asked, taking another sip from her glass. Lexa was super drunk. She could feel it already. The whole room was spinning. Even Luna was more of a blur, a pretty blur though. But she was able to keep a conversation going so she didn’t care how drunk she really was.

“Oh yea, all the time”

“Well, technically, I’m her ex now, so maybe she didn’t mention me cause of that.”

“Maybe.” Luna seemed thoughtful. “So… an ex… I don’t see why Clarke would leave such a beautiful woman like yourself?”

Lexa laughed. This kid was flirting with her so openly. It really was funny.

“It’s more complicated than that”

“Then let’s not talk about it, I could make you forget all about it in fact” The girl whispered.

Lexa was mildly distracted by the way she licked her lips then, when suddenly, she felt an arm on her shoulder

“Lexa, you’ve met Luna, I see” Said Anya

Lexa nodded with a smile, “Yea, she’s quite… something” Lexa said, acknowledging the woman.

“Would you excuse us for a second?” Anya said to Luna while pulling Lexa a little away from her.

“How much have you had to drink?” Anya asked accusingly

 “What does it matter?”

“Okay don’t answer that because I’m sure I’ll probably have a heart-attack once you tell me.”

Lexa tried to argue

“Shush, why did you come here?”

“It’s Clarke’s birthday, I’m allowed to be here. She wanted me to come.”

“Then why aren’t you talking to her instead of Luna?”

Lexa thought of that for a moment. Then said “Clarke’s busy… she’s dancing…”

“Lexa. I think you shouldn’t have any more to drink.”

“What? Why?! I’m fine, I’m completely okay. Can you see me causing any drama? I’m perfectly fine, Clarke’s having fun, the party’s going great.” Lexa assured.

Anya couldn’t argue, she knew she couldn’t stop Lexa now.

“Just, don’t do anything stupid okay?” Anya said and then walked away to find Raven again.

 


	29. Chapter 29

Clarke was momentarily distracted form her dance when she heard a noise. Raven had tripped over something. She excused herself from where she was dancing with Monty, John and Emori and walked towards her over-enthusiastic, drunk friend Raven.

“Are you okay?” Clare said with mirth.

“I’m finnneee, Clarke…”

“I hope so…”

“I’m going to kiss her today, Clarke”

“Who?”

“Anya” Raven said with a confident smile. Staring into the distance.

Clarke caught her line of sight and saw her staring at Anya hungrily, Anya who she now noticed was talking to Lexa.

“You should kiss her too” Raven said lazily.

“What?!?” Clarke said in shock.

“Lexa. You should kiss Lexa. I’ll kiss Anya” Raven said.

Clarke laughed. Her friend never filtered herself, and under the influence of drinks, she was worse off.

Clarke stared at Lexa. She wanted so bad to go up to her and kiss her. After that one kiss they shared, Clarke couldn’t stop thinking about whether Lexa was finally letting her in. Even with her anger and all of it.

“Let me get you a glass of water.” Clarke told Raven, wanting to go over to where Lexa was with some excuse so that she could start a conversation.

But Raven clearly didn’t pick up on that.

“No, you stay put, I’m getting you some more beer, birthday girl. You need Liquid courage for a kiss!”

Clarke wanted to stop her, but was distracted by a call on her phone, it was Abby again. Clarke hurried outside to take it.

 

“So. You were saying Clarke has never mentioned a lover?” Lexa said as she took a big sip of her drink in one go, resuming a conversation with Luna.

“Oh no, she did mention a name once, but I don’t think it was yours, Lexa”

“What do you mean?” Lexa was now curious to know what Clarke had talked to Luna about. She had a lover?

 “I don’t know… I think she mentioned a guy’s name once… uhhh… Brock… Britley…”

“Bellamy” Lexa said for her

“Bellamy! Yes!”

Lexa would have liked to blame the feeling in her tummy on the excess alcohol. But deep down she knew, it was back. The anger. The whole reason she didn’t want to be here today. Flashes of Clarke’s phone came back to her, of when she saw those messages from Bellamy, of when Clarke didn’t deny that it was true, of how Clarke may have taken off her locket while taking her clothes off for him. Lexa’s fists tightened. Luna was still talking, but she couldn’t care less now.

She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to look at Clarke, she didn’t want to be anywhere near her, and she didn’t want to talk to her either. She was about to excuse herself and leave, when Raven caught onto her hand and Luna’s and pulled them forward saying “Time for truth or dare.”

Lexa’s eyes caught Clarke’s entering through the door with her phone. Okay, fine she’ll stay, she thought, but she wasn’t going to make this easy for anyone. Especially not Clarke.

“We’ll be right there, Raven” Lexa said with a lazy smirk. She then took Luna’s hand, it surprised even Luna. And said “Save me a spot near you, I’ll be right there.”

 

It was 11 pm now, the music was turned way down low, and everyone was seated around the living room, laughing and talking.

When Lexa joined the group, Clarke had her eyes on her, wanting to get her attention, wanting to signal if maybe they could go somewhere and talk. But she was taken aback when Lexa saw the empty space between Clarke and Raven, and chose to walk through it and go sit next to Luna.

Clarke would have taken time to overthink it, but she had something else to worry about now. The minute Lexa took a seat near Luna, Luna put her arm through Lexa’s and leaned in on her shoulder, drunk and light-headed as she was.

What surprised her further was Lexa’s chuckle at her. Lexa wasn’t pushing her away or awkwardly or politely asking her to respect her personal space.

The entire night Clarke had been wondering if she had drank too much. Now all she could think about was why she hadn’t drank enough. She hated that she had to sit and watch this happen right here. Lexa was punishing her. And she wondered how much of this she was expected to take. After yesterday, she had thought that maybe they were past the phase of punishing Clarke. But clearly, it wasn’t over.

Everyone took turns spinning the bottle, most picked truth, some picked dare, it was all fun and games, but Clarke couldn’t bring herself to enjoy. She was a little too distracted with the way Luna and Lexa touched each other now and then.

Raven had been sipping on water now for a while, and she could see Clarke’s discomfort.

“Listen, it’s your party, you can end it whenever you like” she whispered to her. Anya didn’t need to hear what Raven was saying to nod in agreement towards Clarke. They could all see Lexa was quite drunk and she would probably regret all of this later, but it would leave a lasting scar on Clarke’s heart.

The bottle was now pointing at Lexa.

“Shoot” she said.

“Truth or Dare” Harper asked.

Lexa smirked “Both”

Clarke took a long sip of her drink.

“Okay, truth first, are you over Clarke?” The question was bold. Harper was super drunk. Raven gave her a death stare.

“Of course, a long time ago in fact. I could give you phone numbers of two fine young ladies if you’d like to know just how over her I am”

The group was mildly surprised at her answer, but they hooted and cheered nonetheless. Clarke stared straight at Lexa. Trying so hard to reach some place of her that would realize what she was doing right now.

Lexa had hinted once before that she may have been with other women in the time they were apart, but saying it out loud this way, almost in a manner to shame Clarke, that was harsh. Tears were already threatening to show.

Raven placed her hand on Clarke’s thigh, needing her to hold it together and also wanting to offer some kind of comfort. Anya didn’t know how to react towards Lexa. She understood why lexa felt she needed to act this way.

“Make that 3 actually…” Lexa said, her eyes directed towards Clarke, but her hand now making its way around Luna and pulling her into her side.

Clarke looked away. She couldn’t watch this. And she couldn’t let Lexa do this to her. She may have made a stupid mistake in her life. She probably deserved a whole lot of pain for it. But this, this was just too much to face on a day like today. They were supposed to be celebrating her birthday.

“Guys I think we should call it a night” Raven said out loud, wanting to end the party.

But an oblivious and drunk John spoke up saying “Oh come on, at least let her take up her dare too”

Raven sighed in frustration, then someone called out “Kiss her! Kiss Luna. Prove it”

Lexa laughed. Heartily. She then looked at Clarke. Clarke wasn’t sure why, whether she was looking to make sure she was watching, or looking to check that she was not. But Clarke’s eyes were watery now, and Lexa couldn’t see that through her drunken haze.

She leaned in and let her lips find Luna’s in one heated kiss.

 

Clarke watched her world shatter around her. She deserved this. Hadn’t she done the same to Lexa? All those years ago. Then, she was in a relationship with Lexa and she cheated on her.  Here, Lexa was not tied to her in anyway, but it still hurt so much.

“Okay, you don’t have to watch this” Raven said in a hurry and stood up before Clarke, reaching out a hand to her and pulling her to stand “Come on” Raven tugged on her hand and led a speechless, lightweight Clarke upstairs in a hurry.

 

 


	30. Chapter 30

When the hooting and commotion round her stopped, Lexa felt dread pool low in her tummy. These lips were unfamiliar and wrong. These lips were strange and not the ones she had wanted at all. When she pulled away and looked at the woman before her, she sighed. She then looked around in a haste to find Clarke, but caught the last glimpse of Clarke’s feet at the end of the staircase. Lexa reached out for her drink and took 2 more sips when Anya tried to take the glass from her

“I think that’s it for tonight, Lexa”

“Fuckin don’t Anya. I’m fine”

Anya crouched down before her. “You’re not. On any other day I would have understood. What she did to you was wrong. But today’s her birthday, in case you’ve forgotten. The least you could have done was not pushed your togue down another woman’s throat right in front of her.”

“Leave me alone” Lexa whined, taking another sip from her glass. Her free hand reaching out to hold Luna’s.

Anya took one look at Luna and saw she was too drunk too. She’d probably pass out way before Lexa does.

“Do you have someone who can drop you home?” Anya asked the young girl.

“I’ll drop her home” Lexa interrupted before Luna could speak.

“Lex, you can’t even walk straight right now” Anya told her bluntly.

“We’ll take a cab. I don’t want to be here right now anyway.” Lexa said.

“Fine” Anya said.  She hated that she had to be so firm with Lexa, right now of all times, Lexa needed a friend. But her stubbornness needed to cool down.

 

Raven was holding Clarke, a crying Clarke who couldn’t bring herself to understand how much pain is enough pain. While Raven kept insisting she didn’t deserve to be treated this way, Clarke insisted that maybe she did deserve it. Maybe this is all that’s left for them. Maybe this is all that can become of them. Lexa hurting Clarke. Lexa giving Clarke a taste of her own medicine.

The heartache she felt from watching Lexa kiss another woman, nothing could ever hurt as much. She’d always know she’d caused Lexa pain that night 4 years ago, but today she could feel it. Lexa had done it. She’d manage to give back the pain she received.

There was a knock on the door, it was Anya.

“Clarke, you should eat something” she said as she stepped inside.

Clarke now furiously wiped at the tears on her face, sniffing and bringing her cries to a stop.

“I’m fine. I should go back down and say goodbye to everyone”

“That’s okay. They’ve left” Anya said

“All of them” Anya added.

“How is Luna going home?” Clarke asked, partially because she genuinely worried about her your impressionable drunk intern, and partially cause she wanted to hear what she already knows may have happened.

“Lexa’s dropping her home” Anya confirmed.

Clarke let out a shaky breath.

“I’m sorry. If I had known she was going to act out this way, I would have tried to do something when I saw how drunk she was “Anya began to explain.

“It’s also partially my fault, I gave her so much more to drink even after knowing she’d been drinking the whole day…”

“Both of you, this is unnecessary. Stop taking my side on this… I’ve casued this. I messed this up. I deserve this pain.” Clarke insisted. “I’ll be okay. Really. You’ll should probably get to bed too.”

They nodded, and said goodnight and began walking out of Clarke’s room. Raven stopped at the door, then came back to Clarke and spoke

“Are you sure, Griffin? I could sleep with you tonight if you’d like”

Clarke laughed then.

“Are you the same Raven who just a few hours ago told me she was going to kiss the girl she’s been falling for tonight”

Raven smirked.

“Stop worrying about my miserable life. It’s about time you start putting your own heart before mine. Go, kiss her senseless.” Clarke said with a warm smile.

Raven squeezed her shoulder and left.

 

Anya stepped backwards out the door, giggling and teasing Raven’s lips with her own.

“You don’t have to leave” Raven whispered to her lips

“I do. We’re still a little buzzed and I want to be able to remember making love to you.”

“Who teaches you to say these sweet things? Who!” Raven said, exasperated.

Anya laughed and kissed her once more, and let her close the door before her.

She turned to walk down the hallway, when she saw a figure sitting on the staircase.

Lexa. Anya rushed to her side and sat beside her. She was crying, bitterly.

Anya put her arms around her and pulled her to lean on her shoulder, and Lexa broke out even further.

Anya felt her own eyes tear up. She really wanted this whole thing sorted out. Even if it meant that they end things for good. She hated how much apin it was brining both of them.  

“I messed up” Lexa said.

“It’s okay”

“I MESSED UP” she said louder.

“You did” Anya said to her. “But so did she.”

Lexa nodded, still crying into her shoulder.

“I’ll help you get through this… okay?”

“Okay” Lexa said.

“Do you want to come sleep with me? Or will you be going inside?” Anya asked her.

Lexa looked up at her. “I want to apologize. To her. For what just happened.”

“It’s really late, Lexa. I don’t think you should go to her right now.”

Lexa nodded, but she looked towards the door.

“I want to be here, when she wakes up” Lexa said.

“Okay” Anya said. “Okay”


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

Lexa sat at the kitchen island. It was 3 am. She hadn’t even tried going to sleep. Sometime after she had entered the house, she threw up. Got all the excess alcohol out of her system and was now nursing a headache and a heartache with a glass of water. She had been thinking long and hard about how she would face Clarke, but hadn’t yet come up with what she would say.

She wondered then if they would be better off without each other. She wondered if she never should have come back here after all, she wondered if she should never have let Madi into this part of her life.

Lexa wiped at her tears and looked around the house. Would it ever be okay? Was it ever going to feel better? Living with Clarke. Knowing she…

She knew that she was one decision away from it getting better. It really was, now, all about what she wanted. All she had to do was let the anger go, forgive Clarke, and maybe she could learn to trust her again. Or she had to move on. Get out of this place she once called home, and never see Clarke again. Because her anger, her need for revenge was not doing anyone any good here. 

 

There was a sound from the staircase. Lexa looked to find Clarke walking down.

Clarke stopped in her tracks when she spotted Lexa sitting at the kitchen island.

“I thought you’d be at Luna’s place” came Clarke’s first words to her.

Lexa wanted to say something, but was distracted by Clarke’s face. She’d been crying. Again.

“I dropped her off and came back” said Lexa.

Clarke nodded and walked around the kitchen island to get herself a glass of water. Her back was turned to Lexa.

“Why’d you do it?!” came Lexa’s voice, choking up as the pain began to overwhelm her, take over her entire body.  

Clarke broke down too. Not ready to face Lexa. Lexa stood up then and made her way towards where Clarke was standing

“WHY CLARKE? WAS MY LOVE NOT ENOUGH?”

“That’s not what it was…” came Clarke’s small voice

“WHY WAS IT BELLAMY YOU WENT TO?”

“Lexa...”

Lexa placed a hand on Clarke’s shoulder she turned around to face her, the tears flowing endlessly down both their cheeks.

“TELL ME THEN! Tell me why you threw our love away”

“I didn’t know what I was doing…” Clarke tried

Lexa was pouring it all out now, she didn’t even realize she had started poking at Clarke’s shoulder

“It took you one night to forget everything we’ve been through together, why couldn’t you come home to me, WHY DID YOU SEEK HIM OUT instead of me, Clarke?!?!”

Clarke was being pushed behind. Shame that was ever present within her, now taking on a renewed life. She knew Lexa didn’t mean to hurt her, she also knew Lexa never dealt with anger well. She let Lexa act out the way she needed to, wanting her to lash out, vent out as best she could.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU THINK OF ME, CLARKE?” Lexa cried.

“I HAVE LOVED YOU WITH EVERY PART OF ME, I HAD DREAMS OF BUILDING MY LIFE WITH YOU, WHY WAS IT SO EASY FOR YOU TO THROW ALL OF THAT AWAY?!”

By now Lexa looked exhausted, exhausted of strength, tears, words, all of it. She had pushed Clarke enough for her to now be leaning at the edge of the sink, she fisted her hand and let it hit the cabinet behind Clarke’s head, and Clarke was startled by it, her eyes closed as she cried. Lexa then took a step forward so that she was beside Clarke, she turned around and slid down so that shecould sit on the cool tiled floor of their kitchen, her back leaning against the cabinets below the sink.

She brought her knees up close to her body and wept. Loud and unapologetically, acknowledging the pains she has felt since the day it happened.

Clarke slid down beside her, her knees brought up close to her body too, her arms wrapped tight around them, her head leaning back, staring up at the ceiling and she let the tears flow.

After what felt like light years later but was actually just a few minutes, Lexa’s sobs had slowed and quietened down. Clarke finally spoke.

“I couldn’t have a baby.”

Lexa stilled. Her ears wide open now, wanting to hear every little thing Clarke had to say.

Clarke paused. Almost as if she were gathering her thoughts, wanting to get all of it out, every little detail.

“A little while after we first went to the clinic, and after I knew you were now in the right place to want to have a family with me, I went to the clinic. Spoke to the same doctor again, and I made appointments with them. I wanted to surprise you, Lex. I would go to the clinic for check-ups, we had to time everything according to my cycle.”

“Lex, my eggs would not be fertilised. No matter what. Nothing happened. Even if they did, they didn’t live long enough to form an embryo. Or something like that… God after a while I would just blank the doctors out when they tried to explain it to me… all I could think about was that my body couldn’t make a baby, it would never have the chance to carry a baby we want, and I had promised you that I would carry for us…”

Lexa now looked up at Clarke. Clarke was sobbing.

“But I kept trying. I scheduled more appointments for my next cycle and the cycle after that, I spoke to nutritionists to see if I had to change something about my diet and exercise.. God I was so desperate…

And when none of it worked Lex, I hated myself. I started hating my body and everything about it. I wanted to harm it, I found no use for it. Because the one thing I wanted for us, the one thing I knew I could do that would only add joy to our lives, I couldn’t make it happen.

I lost myself Lex. I started with alcohol. I’d go out with these guys and we’d drink for hours. Initially I was doing it to forget. To forget the fact that my body couldn’t create life. Then it became about you. I felt like I was betraying you, I felt like if I told you, you would hate me, you would leave me...”

“So you hid from me? You kept all of this a secret?! You were going through shit in your head and you decided the smart thing to do is to hide it from the one woman who cares about you more than her own life?!”  Lexa’s anger was resurfacing.

“I was stupid. I thought that if I told you, you may comfort me at the beginning, but you’d eventually realize that I would never be able to have a baby and so you would decide to leave me. And instead of dealing with this, I wanted to avoid the discussion all together. I was sooo scared, Lex, I was just stupid. I made one stupid decision after the other…”

“Clarke…”

“No please... let me finish, nothing about what I did deserves any form of sympathy or comfort. So let me get it all out and after that I’ll let you decide if you want to be near me anymore. Or if you’d rather we stay far away from each other and if the latter is what you pick, Lexa, Please let me be the one to leave this time, I won’t be able to survive watching you leave once more, and I’ve created enough of problems for you. This is your home, Madi and you should live here.”

Lexa wanted to speak, but instead nodded to urge Clarke to continue.

“So then I did nights and nights of getting drunk, and the more I drank, the longer it took me each night to actually get high, and so I would just drink even more. Then someone we met at one of the bars introduced us to some new drugs…”

“Oh Clarke…”

“I know! It was such a bad decision. I’ve never forgiven myself for it… We started doing some of that after work, clubbed with the drinks and all of it. I remember thinking to myself each night that I wanted to come home and snuggle with you, but then I’d think about how I had to tell you about the pregnancy or the lack there of and I decided I would come home just in time to find you ready for bed and we could just cuddle you know…”

“Then we started fighting every night and I knew it was my doing, I knew I was the reason you were upset but if I told you the reason I was doing what I was doing you’d be even more upset, so I kept avoiding it”

“God! Clarke…”

“The night that it happened, I have no memory of the actual act. We took some pills, trusting the dealer, in retrospect, I remember he warned us the effects would be something like ecstasy”

Clarke felt Lexa stiffen up beside her.

“Lex, if you’re uncomfortable listening to me, I’ll stop.”

“No, I need to hear this as much as you need to say it out loud”

Clarke nodded and then took a deep breath.

“I’m not going to use the drugs as an excuse for what happened, because I remember Bellamy coming on to me at the club. We were just dancing. Really enjoying the trip we were on, the whole gang. Bellamy had flirted with me once before when he didn’t know I was already in a relationship, and once I told him, he never tried again. But tonight he seemed to be trying his luck, and I should have pushed him away, I should have been firm.”  

Clarke was crying again. Lexa was wiping tears off her cheeks too. This was equally tough for both of them.

“I don’t know, suddenly we were all in a car out of the club. And everyone was going back to Bellamy’s place. I had a break down in the cab, I randomly started ranting and crying and I’m sure I mentioned something about the pregnancy and how you won’t love me and something on the lines of that.

We reached his place and I went to the washroom. When I came out, I bumped into Bellamy near the door to his room. He told me that he understands my pain, and that he’s here if I need someone to talk to. And I remember he hugged me…

It was comforting, and I hadn’t felt that comfort in a long time, because I hadn’t told anyone about it. I don’t know who started it, but we got kissing and then we were in his bed…”

Lexa was shaking, but she urged Clarke to go on.


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

“I don’t know why I did it, whether it was the drugs, the drinks or just a fucked up version of me, a lost me who’d hated herself so much that she’d lost touch with who she really was.”

“If it’s any consolation, it was purely sex. And nothing more. We fucked. He came. I didn’t. I felt disgusted with myself and wanted to leave, but I passed out in his bed, I think he passed out soon after. I was horrified when I woke up and just left.”

Clarke was quiet after this. She looked at Lexa beside her and found Lexa leaning her head back, her eyes closed, she let out a long deep breath. Tears flowed down her cheeks.

“At what point did the pendant come off?” Lexa asked.

“It got pulled off with my clothes.”

Lexa nodded.

“It meant nothing to me, Lexa. Nothing. It was meaningless sex. It happened once and I’ve hated myself every day since that day. I’ve lived with all this guilt because I know what I did to you, I know how I hurt you”

There was a long silence between them. Clarke almost wondered why she couldn’t hear Raven snoring from the couch in the living room. But she guessed Raven was probably awake. They had started this conversation pretty loud.

“What about Aden then?” Lexa asked, firmly.

“About a month after you… you left, I was home one night staring at a bottle of alcohol. Testing my will power. Trying hard not to reach for it.  Raven came home and almost blasted at me, thinking I was drinking again. Anyway later she mentioned something about her menstrual cycle and it got me counting. And I realised I had missed it. I ran to the bathroom, and checked Lex…

The test showed positive.

I remember crying because I was so confused. Because there was a chance my body created life. But I couldn’t decide if it was joy or sorrow that I cried with.

And Raven couldn’t understand why I was reacting that way. That’s when I told her everything. And she held me tighter. Because I knew I was going to have this child, even though there was a 50% chance the baby was going to be Bellamy’s. Why? Because of the remaining 50% chance that he/she could be ours.”

“Abby told me you went over to live with her.” Lexa said.

“I was scared. I was going to bear a child. A real human life in me. Our dream was coming true but I had driven you away from it. I was so scared about what to eat, what to drink, how to sleep and all of it. I know if you were around we would have figured it all out together. So I went to the next best option, someone who’d done this before, albeit a long time ago- my mom.

Lexa, she was so mad at me when I told her, she yelled at me so much and then later held me close and comforted me because I broke down again.

But she kept me going on days when it was too tough, on days when a part of me would plant doubt in my head that it was Bellamy’s baby inside me and not ours. She would come and assure me that I should trust what I feel deep down in my heart and really listen for that little ones heart.”

Clarke chuckled then “Gosh Lex, after a few months I could feel every part of him, Aden. I could feel him move, I could tell when he was distressed, I could feel him move against me, and it killed me inside that I robbed those moments from you, I robbed us of having those sweet moments together. In my last month Raven insisted that I come back home, that she would look after me like mom was doing. So I did just that. I came back here. And she’s been so helpful with Aden since then. I don’t think I would have gotten through any of this without her here.”

  
“And then? After he was born?” Lexa asked.

“I got in touch with Bellamy, told him I needed to do a paternity test. It came back negative. That’s how I knew. He really was ours.”

They were quiet again. For a long while.

“I don’t know what to say right now, Clarke”

“I don’t expect that I explaining all of this to you would grant me instant forgiveness. That’s not why I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I just felt like I owed you the truth. All of it. After what I’ve done, I owed it to you to tell you why I was in such a sorry state the last two weeks we were together. You deserved to know the truth”

“Thank you”

“I know that me betraying you changed everything you’ve ever felt about me Lexa, but not a day has gone by that I haven’t missed you, not one day has gone by that I haven’t missed us together. I know it seems almost impossible, but if you find it in yourself, to give me another chance, I promise you, I won’t hurt you, ever again Lexa… I won’t” Clarke was crying again.

“God Clarke, you hurt me so much, so so much” Lexa said, choking up again…

“I know… I know… I’m sorry…” Clarke said.

Clarke didn’t know what to do. Lexa was crying so much and she just wanted to hold her, to comfort her, but the guilt was just too much. So she simply let her cry. Knowing it was probably best if she didn’t say anymore.

After a while, Lexa wiped at her face and looked up.

“We should retire for the night. The kids will be home tomorrow…” Lexa began to say, Clarke didn’t want her to end this conversation here. She wanted them to talk some more, this had been the most they’d ever said to each other since she’d returned home and Clarke was so scared this opportunity wouldn’t present itself again.

“No Lexa, wait. I need to know… where we stand…” Clarke asked so hesitantly.

“I need to think about it Clarke. This has been… all too much.” Lexa said without making eye contact.

“Sure. Yea, whatever you need”

Lexa stood up then and Clarke stayed there unmoving.

“I’ll walk you to your room.” Lexa said

Clarke nodded and stood up.

 

They walked upstairs silently until they were at Clarke’s room door.

“Thank you for giving me a chance to talk to you, for listening to me. I know it doesn’t change a thing, but I am anyway not trying to justify my actions. What I did was wrong. But there’s this love-sick, foolish side of me that hopes you’ll find it in you to forgive me… one day…”

Lexa didn’t react. Her expression still blank.

“Okay… Goodnight Lexa” Clarke said.

“Goodnight Clarke”

Clarke walked in but stopped when she heard Lexa say

“Wait, Clarke”

Clarke turned to find Lexa looking quite uncomfortable.

“What is it?”

“I thought you should know, it was just a kiss. With Luna. Nothing more. I did it to hurt you. And then I regretted it. I’m sorry I ruined your birthday.”

With everything that had happened tonight, Clarke had almost forgotten about it, but the tears were back now that Lexa brought it up.

“It’s okay. I deserved it” Clarke said. Wiping at a tear that fell. Lexa felt uneasy hearing Clarke say it like that. But she quickly put aside the feeling.

“I was okay all night, I swear. But then Luna told me that she’d never heard of me from you.  But, she’d heard of Bellamy…”

“I’m sorry… Luna knows of Bellamy because when I was in touch with him to get the paternity tests done, Luna had seen his name pop up multiple times on my screen. And she’s probably overheard conversations about ‘paternity tests’ and assumed I’m seeing him. But I swear, that’s the only contact I’ve had with him since.

“I see.”

“I have never mentioned you to anyone because I was ashamed of how I’d ruined things between us. You were the perfect girlfriend to me and I messed it all up. Raven and Mom were the only ones in my close circle who knew what really went down between us.”

“Okay” Lexa said and then stepped back, wanting to take Clarke’s leave now.

“I know it may not be my place to ask, but I can’t help but wonder… the two other women you’d been with…” Clarke began.

“They weren’t you” Lexa said quickly, meeting Clarke’s eyes for a second and then disconnecting again.

“Goodnight Clarke”

“Goodnight Lexa”

* * *

 “Did you get all of that?” Raven whispered into her phone receiver

“Yes. Oh my god! Finally! They finally talked it all out” Anya said back

“Okay, now you can go back to sleep” Raven said, shifting to face the other way on the couch. “They’ve gone to bed”

“Together?!” Anya asked.

“What?! No! Keep up, will you.” Raven said.

“Hey, it’s not my fault I’m groggy. You literally woke me up in the wee hours of the morning to listen into a conversation you were listening in to.”

“If I’m awake, you should be awake. That’s a rule.”

“Woah. This relationship is more demanding than I expected.” Anya said.

“Shush. Now sleep. I’ll call you in the morning”

“Night, Rae”

“G’night”


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” Madi’s sweet voice, getting louder and louder awoke Lexa from her sleep. She hardly opened her eyes and saw Madi rushing into her room and jumping on to her bed to greet her

“Hey baby girl, how was your sleepover with Abby?”

Madi cuddled up closer to her mom, and said “It was so much fun! Uncle Kane taught us some cool dance moves”

Lexa laughed, “That’s nice! I’d love to see them”

“Right now?”

“Whenever you’d like to show me”

“Awesome, this evening after dinner then.”

“It’s a date!”

Madi chuckled and kissed Lexa’s nose.

Lexa smiled, then Madi traced her cheeks with her tiny fingers and said “Are you okay, mommy?”

Lexa never understood how Madi was always able to pick up on the smallest of signs that her mommy was upset.

“I’m okay, baby girl”

“Then why do you look like you’ve been crying again?”

Madi looked sad, and Lexa hated this. She hated that it showed.

“You, my little smarty-pants, shouldn’t be worried. I’ll be okay.”

“I know what will help”

“Shoot”

“I was really upset that day when you said you were not going to come with us to the gallery. But then when I got there and stood surrounded by all of those paintings, they immediately made me feel better mommy. Let’s go to the gallery again!”

“Okay… I’ll think about it”

“Yes!”

“Come on now, let’s go get you something to eat”

“Oh I had breakfast already mommy”

“What?” Lexa exclaimed

“It’s 12 in the afternoon!”

Lexa reached for her phone and saw it was infact 12 noon. She’d slept into the day.

“Who gave you breakfast?”

“Clarke did. Aunt Abby dropped us off and then Clarke made us pancakes”

Lexa smiled.  “okay, come on, why don’t you head downstairs and I’ll be with you in 15 minutes”

“Okay mommy”

Madi was almost out the door when she turned around to ask “Did Clarke like the gift, mommy?”

Lexa froze. The gift. Where was it?

“Oh no”

“What?” Madi asked.

Lexa hasted out of the room and Madi followed her.

Clad in her pyjamas, bed hair and sleepy face still on, she ran into the kitchen where Clarke was tiding up the kitchen island,

“Lexa, G’mornin…”

Clarke was ignored. Lexa seemed worried. Clarke watched as Lexa looked around the kitchen, seemingly searching for something.

Lexa pulled open the cabinets beneath the sink and then picked up the trash can.

“Ewww” came Aden’s chirpy voice from where he was sitting at the kitchen island. 

“Aden!” Clarke scolded. She then took a step closer to Lexa and asked “Lexa, what’s wrong? What are you looking for?”

“Have you already taken out the trash?” Lexa finally made eye contact with Clarke, and she looked utterly afraid. ‘

“Uhhh, no, when I woke up, it was already cleared out. Raven must have taken the trash out.” Clarke answered.

“Shit!” Lexa exclaimed softly enough that the kids wouldn’t hear.

“What is it? What did you lose?” Clarke asked again. “Maybe it wasn’t in the trash, we can look around. Maybe you misplaced it.”

“No, I threw it in the trash bin last night” Lexa’s gaze was now pained. Clarke couldn’t understand what it could be she lost.

“You threw it in the trash?” came a tiny voice.

Lexa looked at Madi standing by the kitchen island, looking up at them with tears in her eyes.

“Oh no, baby, it’s not like that…” Lexa walked towards Madi and wanted to pick her up, but Madi looked so upset. She took a step back.

“Why would you do that? It was a gift!” Madi said loudly and ran upstairs to her room.

“Baby it was a mistake, I’ll find it…” Lexa called after her. But Madi was clearly upset and Lexa knew it was all her doing.

“Lexa, clearly this is something important to both of you, please tell me what it is and I’ll help you’ll find it” said Clarke.

“It’s the necklace, Clarke.” Lexa said, not wanting to look Clarke in the eyes at this moment.

“The necklace?” Clarke asked.

“Yes” Lexa said then sighed.

“Aden, baby, could you go upstairs and bring me my phone” Clakre requested Aden.

“Okay” Aden said and jumped off his seat and went upstairs.

“Madi wanted to gift it to you. She’s grown really fond of you and she wanted to give it to you as a gesture of love. We talked about it a few weeks back. And I was in two minds about it. But I told myself that it doesn’t need to mean anything more than a promise that we’ll be there for you and Aden, if nothing else than as friends… someday.” she added.

Clarke shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Wait what. Lexa was alright with her having the necklace back?

“I was supposed to give it to you yesterday, but then Luna brought up Bellamy… and I… lost it. I took the box out of my pocket and threw it in the trash before settling down for truth or dare”

“Lexa…”

“No listen. Well talk. About all of this. And what it means and what it doesn’t mean. But first we need to find that necklace. I can’t have my daughter hate me.”

Clarke nodded. “I’ll call the trash pickup service of the neighbourhood.”

“Thank you.” Lexa said 

Just then Lexa’s phone began to ring, it was Raven.

“Raven, Hi, I was just about to call you.”

“You better thank your sorry ass I’m an attentive person by nature” said Raven.

“You have it?”

“I spotted it this morning and immediately knew this has got to be a mistake. There’s no way in hell either of the 4 of you kids would throw that necklace away”

“She has it!” Lexa smiled with relief, her whole body relaxing now.

Clarke let out a deep breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“Alright, yes, yea bring it over” Lexa said.

“Thanks Rae, I owe you one. Really”

 

After Lexa hung up, she stared at the phone blankly. Then looked up at Clarke.

“I should go talk to Madi now.” Lexa said.

Clarke nodded.

Lexa walked a few steps towards the staircase and then turned around, looking a little unsure.

“I’ve learned truth always helps. Or at least some version of it, when it comes to explaining these things to kids” Clarke said to her, knowing full well Lexa didn’t know how to explain the whole situation to Madi.

“Okay. Alright. Thanks.” Lexa said and then walked upstairs.

Aden came running down the next minute and handed Clarke her phone.

Clarke chuckled, and carried him up in her arms.

“Thanks sweetie”

“You’re welcome”


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

Lexa knocked on the door to the kids room and peeked inside

“Madi, baby, it’s me”

“I don’t want to talk to you… go away” she said from under the covers.

“We found it, baby. Aunt Raven has it. She’ll bring it back here tonight and we can give it to Clarke if you still want to.”

“Why didn’t you want to? Why did you throw it away?” Madi sat up and said.

Lexa walked in now, slowly making her way closer to Madi until finally she was sitting right next to her.

“This is really difficult for me to talk about to you, but I’m going to do it because I know you deserve to know the truth.

Clarke and I had a little misunderstanding last night. It led me to believe something that wasn’t as true as I thought it was. Something that was damaging to our… friendship.”

“Okay…” Madi said, listening attentively.

“I got angry, and threw it away. It was impulsive and in hindsight I wish I didn’t do it. And I’m sorry”

Madi looked at her mom and saw that she really wanted her to understand

“Is that why you’ve been crying recently?”

Lexa chuckled even as her eyes got moist again.

“Yea, in a way”

Madi simply threw her arms around her mom and hugged her really tight

Lexa allowed herself to truly feel enveloped in her daughter’s arms.

“I’m sorry I reacted that way”

“Oh baby, you don’t have to apologize”

Madi then kissed her mommy’s cheek and said “if you don’t want to give Clarke the necklace, I’ll understand”

Lexa laughed. “Not at all. We’ll give it to her. But let’s wait a while?”

“Okay” Madi said with a sweet smile. Lexa kissed her once more.

“Ewww mommy, you haven’t even brushed yet”

Lexa laughed and began to tickle Madi’s sides

“Judging me now, is it?”

Madi erupted into a fit of laughter as her mom tickled her and played around with her.

 

When Lexa came downstairs after a shower, it was noon and she figured lunch would have to work as breakfast today. Clarke was on the couch in the living room with the kids. Apparently, Sundays that had no plans called for movie marathons here, and so cuddled up close to Clarke on either side was Aden and Madi. Raven was lazily sprawled over one of the single seater couches.  

Lexa walked in and sat on the other single seater couch to join them. They were watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Apparently it was one of Aden’s favourites and Lexa noticed how Raven and Aden knew all the dialogues. It made her laugh how animated Aden was while narrating the dialogues in time with the movie.

Later, early that evening, the kids continued to watch with Raven and Lexa while Clarke got to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

Lexa entered the kitchen area and called out to Clarke to get her attention.

“Clarke…”

Clarke turned her attention from the fridge to Lexa.

“Hmmm” she said

“Ummm… I’d like to visit your gallery… sometime this week.”

Clarke’s eyes lit up immediately. They shone. And Lexa recognised this Clarke. This sparkly eyed Clarke was ‘high school Clarke’. Clarke who’s face lit up at the mention of art class alone.

“Yea sure, ummmm, how does tomorrow sound for you? Unless you have some case-work, that’s fine then too, maybe we can do Tuesday. I mean, I’m good with any day really… But you tell me what day’s perfect for you…”

Clarke was rambling.

“Tomorrow works.”

“Okay” Clarke said.

“Okay” Lexa said. And then turned to walk away.

Clarke couldn’t believe the sliver of hope that she began to feel in her heart. But even before a smile could appear on her lips, Lexa turned back around and said

“Clarke… just to be clear… this needn’t mean anyth…”

“No, of course not. I wouldn’t. I don’t.. I mean I know. I wasn’t…” Clarke mumbled nervously.

“Yea” Lexa said.

“I understand” Clarke said.

Lexa then went back to join the kids in the living room, and now Raven joined Clarke in the kitchen.

“She’s coming to the gallery tomorrow!” Clarke let it slip out of the blue, to Raven.

Raven’s eyes went wide. “Really?!”

“Yea, she just told me”

“Wow. I mean, I thought the whole Luna thing was settled.” Said Raven.

That’s when it hit Clarke. How had it not occurred to her? Was Lexa coming to the gallery to see Luna? Was that it? How had she not thought of it that way? How had that not come to mind at all? Clarke’s legs felt weak. She suddenly began to feel faint.

Raven watched the colour drain out of Clarke’s face.

“Shit. Clarke are you okay?” Raven asked, concerned for her friend.

“I hadn’t thought about that”

“Oh” Raven said. “I’m sorry. Shit”

“No, you’re right I got my hopes up for nothing. Of course, maybe she just wants to see Luna”

“Or maybe she just wants to tell her whatever happened meant nothing.” Raven added.

“We can’t know that” Clarke said, now feeling utterly embarrassed about her excitement about all of this.

“Clarke”

“Yea?”

“Clarke… you have to be okay with the idea of moving on”

“Raven… can we not…”

“I know okay. I helped getting her back here. But she’s gone through so much and maybe she just can’t find that love again. You have to be okay with that if it comes to it.”

Clarke just stood there, her arms folded, her eyes getting moist again.

Raven went around the kitchen island and hugged her friend.

“If she decides she can’t be around you. We will respect that. If she decides to give this another shot, again, we’ll respect that. But I’m with you, okay? You got this. You’ll get through it”

It took everything in Clarke to not break down right there. But she knew Raven was right. No matter what Lexa decides, she would need to be strong, for Aden at least.  Raven held Clarke’s face when she pulled back, and used her thumbs top wipe the tears that fell from her eyes.

“Let me help with dinner”

 


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

Lexa was in bed. It was 1 am and she couldn’t sleep. She was going to Clarke’s gallery tomorrow. She doesn’t know what made her go ask Clarke. Maybe it was because of how Madi was so touched by it. Maybe it was because she missed the peace she used to feel back in the day staring at Clarke’s work. Maybe she just needed a new environment. Maybe she just wanted to see what Clare had set up in the time she wasn’t here. Maybe she wanted to talk to Clarke where Clarke will be her most open self.

That last one stayed. She didn’t know what more she needed to hear from her, or say to her. But maybe she’ll know tomorrow. Maybe she could even give Clarke an answer about what she’s decided. That’s if she could make a decision by then. Lexa turned on her side.

She was torn on what she really wanted here. What she really wanted from Clarke. She knew she was done hurting Clarke. She really didn’t want to anymore. A tit-for-tat- game wasn’t going to do them any good.

She thinks her anger has also toned down a bit. But trust. Now that’s something she knows seems almost impossible to build again. How is she supposed to believe that they could have anything between them if she can’t trust Clarke? It’s so different between them now. And as much as Clarke could plead that it needn’t be different, she couldn’t help but wonder what really is left to salvage of this relationship.

Could they be friends then? Could they try to be civil around each other? Could she train her heart to only see Clarke as a friend? She knew she needed to find some way to be in Aden’s life. She wanted to be there for him. She had missed the first four years of his life, but she wanted to be here for the rest. And given Madi’s attachment to Raven and Clarke now, she knew she’d never want to take Madi away from them.

The thought of being Clarke’s ‘friend’ got her even more restless than ever and she wasn’t even sure if the restlessness came from the thought of being less than what they once were, or more than being nothing to each other.

She sat up.

 

They walked into the gallery and Lexa immediately spotted Luna at the far end of the floor. Clarke watched as Lexa walked up to her. The smile on Luna’s face was bright and honestly Clarke had never seen her smile so much before.

Lexa’s back was to Clarke so she couldn’t tell whether Lexa had that smile plastered on her face too, but just watching them get nearer to each other already hurt so much. It was like with every step Lexa took towards Luna, Clarke’s heart tore another inch.

Luna greeted her with an embrace and then, as if the world was ending now, Clarke watched as Lexa leaned in and kissed Luna, passionately. Wildly, as if no one else was in this room but then. Clarke suddenly felt like an outsider, unwelcomed, unnecessary.

Every voice in Clarke’s head screamed “Leave. She’d done with you. You’re nothing to her anymore” Clarke felt her insides come apart. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This is not how this was supposed to go. She was supposed to fix this. She was supposed to get Lexa back.

Clarke fell to the floor, crying bitterly and loudly

“NO! NO! Lexa! No… I love you! Please… come back to me… I’m sorry for what I did... I really am… I still love you so much… please, don’t do this Lexa Please….”

Clarke screamed louder, because Lexa seemed unfazed. She was kissing Luna, caressing her face, loving her the way she used to love Clarke and it was too much all at once.

“Don’t leave me… please Lexa… I need you… Don’t leave me…”

 

Lexa sat up. She wasn’t getting sleep and staying awake meant she couldn’t’ get her mind off the fact that she needed to make her decision. She needed to figure out how she was going to handle this. She knew Clarke had to understand if she decided to leave.

She got up from her bed and got out of her room, thinking maybe a walk in the hallway will tire her out a little at least, but the minute she was out her door, she heard Clarke’s voice. Screaming?! Crying?! She couldn’t tell. She ran towards the direction of Clarke’s room. She opened the door to find Clarke tossing and turning, screaming in her sleep.

The nightmares. The one’s Raven would calm her down from. Lexa wasn’t sure what she needed to do, but she would definitely not stand there and watch while Clarke was in pain.

She stepped in and hasted to Clarke’s side. She seemed so troubled, her face contorted in tension, there was a sadness to it more than anything. Lexa didn’t know what she should do, so she first tried to hold Clarke’s hand.

“Clarke…”

“NO! NO! Lexa! No… I love you! Please… come back to me… I’m sorry for what I did... I really am… I still love you so much… please, don’t do this Lexa Please….”

Lexa allowed herself to understand, from what she could get so far, she figured Clarke was dreaming of her… of her leaving?

She tried calling out to her again, this time, she tried soothing the skin of Clarke’s hand,

“Clarke, wake up… it’s just a dream” she tried

“Don’t leave me… please Lexa… I need you… Don’t leave me…” Clarke went on in her sleep, crying bitterly now, the tears coming through her eyes.

Lexa held her shoulder and squeezed gently, “Hey, Clarke, wake up… I’m here”

Clarke shot up in bed, her eyes open now. Her body stiff and still. It startled Lexa and she took two steps back.

Clarke was panting. She quickly wiped the tears off her cheeks. Realizing now that she was having a bad dream and the tears were real.

“Are you okay” Lexa asked. It startled Clarke, she hadn’t realized someone was in her room. She reached out and put her bedside lamp on.

“Lexa…”

“I’m sorry… I was in the hallway and I heard…” Lexa explained.

“I’m sorry. Was I loud?” asked Clarke.

“You were crying and screaming” Lexa said, worry etched in her features.

“I’m okay” Clarke assured. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to trouble you.” Clarke said, feeling horribly embarrassed.

“Of course not. You can’t control nightmares…”

Clarke nodded but didn’t say anything in response. She simply looked at her hands on her lap.

“What was it about?” Lexa’s curiosity got the better of her.

“Uhh…”

“Actually it’s alright you don’t have to tell me right now... It’s late, you should sleep.” Said Lexa, telling herself maybe she shouldn’t care, but finding it hard not to.

“Why were you up?” Clarke asked.

Lexa didn’t know what to say. “I couldn’t sleep, I’ve got a bad headache. And I didn’t have painkillers” she said.

“Wait right here, I’ll get you some.” Clarke said as she moved to get out from under her covers, but Lexa stopped her.

“No, stay there. I know where the bathroom is.” Lexa said.

Clarke felt silly. Of course. This used to be their room. Their shared room. She knows where the pills are.

Lexa walked into the bathroom, opened the small cabinet above the sink where they used to keep their toothbrushes, face washes and all of it. She knew exactly where the pain killers would be. Clarke was always particular about where things were kept.

She found them effortlessly, took two of them in her palm and closed the bottle to keep it back. That’s when something else caught her attention. Tiny yellow plastic pill bottles, 2 of them, one half full, the other completely full. The label simply said Clarke Griffin.  They seemed to have been prescribed to her. A million questions came up in her head but she knew now was not the time to ask questions. Maybe she could ask tomorrow. Now they both needed some sleep.

When she walked back into the room, Clarke was sitting over the covers, legs folded and deep in thought.

“Thanks, I got them.” Lexa said, getting her attention and walking towards the door.

 “Okay…Goodnight, Lexa. And umm… thanks for waking me up.”

“Yea sure, don’t mention it. Goodnight.” Lexa brushed it off and walked out, closing the door behind her.


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

“Raven. Come with me please” Clarke said as they chatted over breakfast. The kids had just left for school, and Lexa had gone upstairs to get ready to leave for the gallery.

“No Clarke, I really think you guys should have some time to talk.”

“You don’t understand. I won’t be able to watch it if my nightmare from last night comes true.”

“Clarke…”

Even before Raven could finish, they heard Lexa coming downstairs.

“I’m ready. I’ll meet you downstairs?” Lexa said to Clarke.

“Yea, I’ll just grab my bag and keys” Clarke said.  Lexa said goodbye to Raven and headed out the door.

Clarke took a deep breath and then picked up her bag and keys, said bye to Raven and left.

 

The drive to the gallery was mostly silent. Clarke turned on the music, but kept it low. Her eyes on the road before her, her mind wondering whether Lexa was thinking about seeing Luna there.

Lexa’s eyes drifted from the road ahead to the window beside her.

“It’s unusually cool today, the weather” Lexa said.

“Yea, it’s dropped a few degrees” Clarke replied.

 They got silent again. Suddenly a song playing on the radio ended, and a new one began to play.

‘I’ll stand by you, by The Pretenders’

Perfect. Just perfect.

Clarke reached out to change the station. But Lexa stopped her.

“It’s okay… let it play…” she said.

Clarke nodded.

 

They were in high school. It was prom night. They had a fight that morning. Over a petty issue. Clarke got Lexa an outfit for prom as a gift. It was spectacular. It would fit her perfectly and it was exactly her taste. Lexa felt bad she hadn’t gotten Clarke anything.

They had an argument about how it should have been an agreed mutual thing that they would gift each other a dress tonight. Clarke explained that she had wanted to surprise Lexa. They argued. And didn’t talk all day.

When Clarke went over to Lexa’s place to pick her up that evening, Lexa had left on her own already.

Lexa had worn the outfit Clarke gifted her. It was a dress, completely body hugging. It accentuated her body so well. Lexa loved it. She just wished she could have gifted Clarke something too. They hadn’t spoken all day so she had no clue if Clarke was going to pick her up as originally planned or not. So she had left by herself and left a note for Clarke telling her to meet her at the party.

She was laughing now, watching Clarke walk up to her, dressed in the outfit Lexa had gifted her on their very first date almost a year ago.

Clarke was smiling. She came up to Lexa kissed her on the cheek and said

“I wanted to make sure you’d still dance with me, even though I stole your opportunity to gift me another dress, so I thought why not wear something you’ve gifted me previously…”

Lexa kissed her lips with a smile and said “I’d dance with you in any outfit, in any world, and any universe, dressed or bare”

Clarke teased her lips with her own.

 “Option 5 please”

Lexa bit down lightly on her lip.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it previously.”

“Come on, dance with me” said Lexa.

 

They had reached the gallery, but ‘I’ll stand by you’ was still on and neither of them wanted to turn the song off mid-way. So they just sat there listening.  

When the song ended, Clarke turned the car off.

“It’s the only photo I kept of us. On my phone? I deleted everything else.” Lexa said.

Clarke looked at her, acknowledging what she just said.

“I still have the dress” said Clarke.

A slight smile came on to Lexa’s lips. They remained silent then until Lexa said “Come on, show me to your gallery”

They got out of the car and walked up the building.

 

“When did you open it? This place?” Lexa asked.

“When Aden turned 2.” Clarke said.

“It was always your dream, wasn’t it? Having your own art gallery” Lexa said, not really looking at Clarke as they ascended the stairs to the first floor of the building.

“Yea. A dream you believed more in than I did” Clarke said.

Lexa chuckled. It was the first time in a long time Clarke heard Lexa chuckle at something she said.

‘Don’t read much into it, don’t! Don’t’ Clarke had to repeat to herself in her head. Cause she knew, any moment now, they’d run into Luna and her world could fall apart.

They were right outside the main door to the gallery when Clarke stopped a few steps away.

“What’s wrong, Clarke?” Lexa asked.

“Listen, Lexa… before we go in… I know that you said it means nothing, and I shouldn’t read much into the fact that you finally decided to come here, but you have to know…

There was a time in college when I almost gave up on this. You remember right? And I would have if it wasn’t for you. So it does mean a great deal to me having you here. And I don’t know, you might like some of it, you might hate some of it, but I’m just grateful you decided to come.”

Lexa didn’t know how to receive this. It meant a great deal to Clarke that she was here. And she didn’t know what to say.

“Honestly, you have Madi to thank. She was quite touched by your art. And I think just generally by you, Clarke. I’m just happy she sees you as an inspiration.”

Lexa wasn’t really making eye contact, but regardless, Clarke smiled.

They stepped inside and Clarke’s heart began racing. Luna was right there. At the other end of the gallery. Just like in the nightmare from last night. 

“Lexa! What a surprise” said Luna, on seeing Lexa walking in with Clarke.   

Clarke readied herself, this was it, her world could fall apart any moment now.

“Shit. Shit Shit. I forgot Luna was going to be here!” came Lexa’s panicked whisper.

Clarke took a moment to register this. And then it hit her. Lexa had no clue Luna was going to be here. Which means, Lexa truly was here to see her art work.

“Ummm… should I send her away?” asked Clarke.

“No, just… we didn’t end it too well that night…” said Lexa.

“Why? What happened?” Clarke asked, not sure if she should have asked though.

“She tried to kiss me when I dropped her off, I stopped her, told her it was a mistake.”

“Ahhh” said Clarke.

 Luna was closer to them now and when she finally stopped in front of them

“Luna, hi…”said Lexa.

“Heyyyyy, what’s up, what are you doing here?” said Luna, totally relaxed and chilled out and not upset in the slightest.

“ummm, just thought I’ll come and check out some of Clarke’s work”

“That’s awesome. I’ll take you around if you like”

“Uhhh, that won’t be necessary. I prefer doing that on my own” Lexa smiled nervously.

“Oh alright. But let me know if you need anything” she said as she walked past them.

“Wow. Looks like she moved on faster than you did” joked Clarke, shocked that she was now comfortable making jokes about it.

“Ha-ha” Lexa deadpanned and took a few steps further in, “kids get over things quickly” Lexa said.

They were silent then, Lexa taking in the whole studio, she could see there were multiple rooms to go through, each with their own set of paintings.

“I’ll leave you to it then, text me when you’re done, I’ll come find you”

 


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37

It had been a whole hour now. Clarke checked her phone. No text from Lexa. She decided to simply go and check on her. Maybe she was almost done walking through the whole thing.

There was no one else in the gallery today. She usually kept it shut on Mondays. So she knew she would find Lexa easily, wherever she was on the floor.

Right enough Clarke found Lexa in the last section. She was seated on the floor, her legs crossed, and her face in her hands. She seemed to be concentrating on her breathing.

“Lexa! Are you okay?” Clarke said and rushed to her, kneeling down before her and reaching out to her.

Lexa immediately looked up, her features looked worried, her eyes moist, but there was no sign of tears or struggles breathing. She had just been taking deep breaths.

“Why were you breathing so heavily?” Clarke asked.

Lexa just nodded. She didn’t say a word.

“Lexa, if you’re not okay, I can drive you back home…”

“I’m fine here. Don’t worry.” Lexa assured.

Clarke wasn’t convinced, but she let it go. She then didn’t know if she should stay or go, leave Lexa to what she was doing earlier.

“You can sit” came Lexa’s voice, easily picking up on Clarke’s confusion.

Clarke sat down before her, both of them now sitting cross legged facing each other

“Your paintings are extraordinary…as always”

“Thank you, Lexa”

“I saw some from when we moved in together…”

“Yea… I had to put them up…”

“Yea, they’re beautiful… even the one that…”

“I know…” Clarke said and chuckled.

She knew which one Lexa was talking about. It was the one she liked to say was partially Lexa’s work of art too. Why? Cause Lexa helped her draw all the wrong strokes on the canvas while she nibbled and kissed along Clarke’s ears and neck one evening while she was painting and challenged her to keep painting while she was at it.

They remained silent then.

“What was the nightmare you saw last night?” Lexa asked, out of the blue.

“It’s nothing, I’ve been having nightmares for a while now, I’ve gotten used to them… Raven…”

“I know about them. Raven told me one night” Lexa said.

“Oh”

“What was last night’s one about?” Lexa asked again.

“It’s silly”

“Please tell me” said Lexa.

“When you told me yesterday that you wanted to come see the gallery, I was really happy internally. Then Raven planted this thought in my head that maybe you were coming here to see Luna.”

Lexa looked up at Clarke with a raised eyebrow.

That must have stayed at the back of my mind cause the next thing I know, I’m having this nightmare where you enter my gallery and walk up to Luna and kiss her the way you used to kiss me and I’m screaming and crying for you”

Clarke finished and looked up at Lexa. They sat staring at each other for a whole minute before Lexa broke into laughter. Clarke chuckled.

“Okay…” Lexa said. 

“I know it’s so not my place, after everything. But it’s always going to be hard for me to think of you with someone else. And I know I’m the last person to be saying all this, given that I’m the one who cheated and I started this whole thing between us… I’m literally the cause of our downfall and I really just don’t want to…”

“There were pills, in your bathroom cabinet… in tiny yellow boxes… what are those for?” Lexa asked.

Clarke’s eyes widened at that.

“Please be honest with me Clarke…”

After I gave birth to Aden, I suffered from post-partum depression. And while that, they say would be cured with some treatments and eventual boding with Aden, my postpartum depression coupled with the sadness of having him and not having you, that kind of led me to dark places…”

“Clarke…”

“No… see this is why I didn’t want to tell you all of this so soon. I’m the one who did wrong here and the last thing I want is for you to look at me like that, like you understand. Because what I did is unforgivable, and I don’t want to use these instances and issues of mine to try and gain forgiveness. It just feels wrong.

Lexa nodded. She understood what Clarke meant. Clarke didn’t want to seem like she was telling a sob story just to earn Lexa’s forgiveness.

“The pills are anti-depressants. My counsellor prescribed them to me and I was on them for a long time, but I decided to stop. I realized they were just not what I needed, and I wanted to get off them.  And you came back around the same time that I was finally, completely off them.”

“You’ve been seeing a counsellor.” Lexa said, more to herself than anything.

“Yes. Mom made me do it. She insisted that I needed help. I had made all the wrong decisions, I had messed up my own life so bad, I’d hurt the one person I’ve always loved the most. And I’m glad mom made me do it. I still see her once a week.”

Lexa nodded and they were silent again.

“I had to see a counsellor too” Lexa said, staring at the floor.

“I’m sorry” said Clarke.

“No, it’s fine. I came out of it. The depression. The suicidal thoughts. I brought myself out of it.”

Clarke had always thought about it. God forbid if Lexa’s anxiety ever got the best of her, if she ever did anything to herself, Clarke knew she would take away her own life. Hearing Lexa say the words ‘Suicidal thoughts’, was enough to make Clarke feel like taking her own life even now. She’d done her wrong. And Lexa suffered for it.

“I’m sorry, Lex… I was a fool…”

“Shhh…Clarke… That’s not why I started this conversation… you’ve apologized to me multiple times already…”

 Clarke sat there tears in her eyes, her body shivering, her arms wrapped around herself.

“I actually wanted to talk to you… about what I’ve decided…?”

“Oh” Clarke’s heart began to race. This was it. Lexa was about to tell her where they stand. Their future or a lack thereof lied in whatever Lexa had to say right now.

Clarke took a deep breath and looked at Lexa. She looked troubled, almost like this was difficult for her to do. Maybe it really was. Maybe she was going to say she doesn’t want anything to do with Clarke, and Clarke could imagine how that can be difficult when you’re telling it to the childhood sweetheart you thought you’d love forever and for always.

“Clarke, I want you to understand I had to make this decision with my head and not my heart”

Clarke nodded.

“I had to think of what’s best for Madi, what’s best for Aden, and then what’s best for ultimately you and me”

The tears had already started to fall. Clarke wiped quickly at them. She needed to be strong. She caused this. She’s the reason behind this.

“I need to leave.”

Clarke shut her eyes. Tight. It was happening.  No one ever trains you for these things. To listen to the one person you love say that they can’t be around you anymore.

“I need time. And so do you.” Lexa said.

Clarke opened her eyes. Realizing now that she didn’t exactly say she’ll be gone forever. That’s when she saw Lexa’s tears rolling down her cheeks. Lexa reached her hand out and Clarke held her hand.

“I want to be with you. Someday. Again. I just need time. All of this, all of what we’ve done and said to each other in this last month, I just need to process it all, Clarke. You’re seeing a counsellor, you need time too.” said Lexa.

“Time. I can give you time. I can give us time. Of course” Clarke said, smoothly tracing her thumb over the skin of Lexa’s hand.

“I can’t say yet how long though…” Lexa said

“I’ll wait. Lexa I’ll wait. However long it takes for you to be ready. I promise you, I won’t mess this up. I have everything to lose here and I’m not taking any chances. I’ll wait for you”

Lexa nodded.

“What about Aden and Madi?” Clarke asked.   

“We’ll move out for a bit. But we’re still in the city. Maybe Aden can come over for a play date sometimes”

“And Madi’s ever welcome home too.”

Lexa nodded.

“When do you leave?”

“Day after tomorrow” Lexa said.

Clarke nodded. “Okay”

“Okay”

“Can I show you something?” Clarke said, wiping the tears off her face.

Lexa nodded.

Clarke stood up and held out her hand. Lexa took it.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do read all of your comments. And I know some of you don't like the story. I'm learning as I write. Some feedback is constructive and some is just hate. But thanks anyway. I'm grateful that you guys have given this story a chance. There will be a time jump in the next chapter. And happy times there on :) Thanks once again for sticking with this story.


	38. Chapter 38

Clarke led Lexa to the door. THE door.

“What is this?” Lexa asked just as Clarke pushed the door open, leading Lexa inside.

Lexa allowed herself to properly view the paintings around. Each of them had her in it. Some were just her, some were her and Clarke, in moments that never happened. But most had her, Clarke and Aden in them.

“Clarke… these are…” she stopped.

Lexa couldn’t form words, she walked from canvas to canvas, touching the paintings. They looked so real, they looked truthful… but the tragic part about all of this was none of them were true.

“Just… moments I wish I hadn’t stole from us” Clarke said softly.

Lexa took her time with each one of them until finally she made it to the centre of the room where one canvas was covered.

“May I?” she asked as she held on to the cloth thrown over it. Clarke nodded and came over to stand beside her. Lexa took it off. The painting that faced her, floored her.

She stood silently, gazing at this portrayal of the perfect life she’d always wanted for them.

It was a painting of Clarke, Aden, Madi and herself sharing a family moment at the park.

Lexa touched the canvas, letting her fingers roam the face of Aden and Madi.

“I promise you Lexa, I want to do everything I can to get you to trust me again….”

“Clarke…”

“I know. Time. You need time and space. I’ll respect that.”

Lexa turned to face her and then spoke. “We promised each other a forever. I still want that. And I know you do too.”

Clarke nodded.

“This painting, hold on to it. Someday I’d like Aden and Madi to look at it and know that this is family. This is home. Until that day comes, I need you to be patient with me.”

“I will. For us.”

* * *

 

That night Clarke and Lexa explained to Madi and Aden that they would be living apart. But they could still have play dates together at either of their places.

The kids seemed upset at first, but content with the idea of seeing each other often.

 

When the day finally came, Lexa and Madi had packed up most of their stuff and were now in the living room ready to say their goodbyes. Raven and Anya were there too, as Anya had offered to drive them to their new place.

“Goodbye”s and “see you soon”s were passed around generously.

Clarke however stood quietly by the kitchen island. When Madi ran up to her, she opened her arms wide, enveloping the little one she’d come to love so much in a tight, warm hug.

“Bye Clarke, I’ll see you soon. You should come to our new house. I’ve seen it once before and it’s big enough for you and Aden to come over for sleepovers.”

Clarke chuckled and said “sure thing baby, Aden will definitely come”

Madi was too excited to notice how Clarke didn’t mention her own name, and if she did, she didn’t question it.

Lexa had just finished hugging Raven goodbye, when she realized, the last person left to bid farewell to was Clarke. And this one was a goodbye she’d have to hold on for longer than the rest of them. She would see Raven often, she would even see Aden often. But Clarke, the deal was to give herself all the time and space she needed until she was ready to start giving Clarke a chance again.

“Alright, why don’t we get started taking the bags downstairs and we can wait for Lexa and Clarke there?” said Anya.

Raven nodded and they all moved out the door, leaving Lexa and Clarke alone.

Clarke slipped her hands into her pockets and shrugged “So this is it then…”

Lexa took a step forward and smiled slightly saying “Yea”

“You sure you have everything you need?” Clarke asked, looking around.

“Yea, there are a few things left but I’ll let the movers come here tomorrow and get it if that’s fine with you”

“Yes of course” said Clarke.

They stood silently then, just looking into the others eyes.

“I will come back” Lexa thought she needed to reassure.

“I know. I’ll be here.” Said Clarke.

They were silent again.

“Take care of yourself.” said Clarke.

“You take care of you”

Clarke seemed deep in thought then, staring down at the floor. She opened her mouth to say something, but then decided against it.

“What is it?” Lexa asked.

“It’s nothing” she replied.

“No, tell me”

“If we’re not going to talk to each other for a while, how do we plan their play dates?”

Lexa chuckled. “When I said space I didn’t mean you’re banned from ever contacting me, Clarke”

Clarke nodded, but still expressionless.

“How about this, we’ll text, for communicating about the kids…”

“Alright, cool. Done. For the kids.” Said Clarke, repeating to herself.

“Yea.”

They were silent again.

Lexa adjusted the bag she was carrying on her shoulder and Clarke realized that maybe she should let Lexa go now.

“But if you need anything at all Lexa, I’m here okay. I’m just a call away. One word and I’ll come.”

“Thank you, Clarke”

Clarke nodded.

“I’ll walk you down” said Clarke.

“I’d prefer if you didn’t.” said Lexa. Clarke looked a little sad but she took it.  “It’s hard enough saying goodbye here.”

“Okay I understand” said Clarke.

They began walking towards the door.

“Get better, alright” Lexa said to Clarke.

“I will, I’m putting in the work, and whenever you’re back, I’m going to put in the work for us. I will prove to you that I still want this. That you can trust me.”

Lexa nodded. She stepped out the door and turned to face Clarke. She noticed Clarke wasn’t sure how to do this.

“Thank you, Clarke. Goodbye” said Lexa.

“Bye, Lex” said Clarke. Tears now filling up in both their eyes.

Lexa turned to walk away. She took about two steps and decided she needed to do this one thing before leaving.

She turned back around, stood before Clarke, and raised her hand so that she could caress Clarke’s cheek. It confused Clarke, giving her the perfect opportunity to lean in and leave a kiss on her cheek.

It was short and sweet and uncalled for. And a whisper of a promise “I’ll see you soon, Clarke”.  One moment her lips touched her cheek, the next she was gone.

Clarke stepped out into the hallway to see the last of Lexa hasting down the stairs.


	39. Chapter 39

4 months later.

Raven looked up from the book she was reading when she heard the door open. Clarke was back from her weekly session with her counsellor.

“Hey, you’re back.”

Clarke smiled. She came into the living room and joined Raven on the couch. It was a Saturday morning.

“What are you doing here?”

“Oh I just thought I’ll check in, see how you’re doing, see how Aden’s doing”

“We’re doing well. He misses you.”

“I miss him too. And what about you”

“Well of course I miss you too, but I understand better than he does the pressures of working at a new place” said Clarke with a proud smile.

Raven chuckled. She had started working at a new garage. A much better place than her last one. Anya knew someone who knew someone who was looking for an experienced, efficient mechanic and Raven fit all the criteria. It did however demand more of her time than her previous gig. So she was spending lesser and lesser time with Clarke and Aden. Between trying to give ample time to Anya and also be a good aunt to both Aden and Madi, she sometimes forgot her best friend Clarke was on a path of self-recovery and was working hard on being better for Lexa.

“But really, Clarke, how are you doing?”

Clarke let out a deep breath but smiled soon after.

“To tell you the truth, I can tell you I’m doing much better than a year ago. I know I’m back to my usual self. I can feel like the old me again.”

“I am proud of you, you know” Raven said.

“Thank you, Rae. It means a lot.”

They sat quietly then, both of them ever comfortable even in silences shared between them.

“I’ll be crashing at Lexa’s place tonight”

“Oh, okay”

Clarke had questions, so many questions. But somewhere down these past 4 months, there had come to exist an unspoken agreement between them.

Raven never gave Clarke updates about Lexa and Clarke never asked for them. Both understanding that if they had agreed on giving Lexa space, giving her the time she needs to come back, then it was only respectful to not expect updates on her life.

That’s why it came as a surprise that Raven would mention this. Clarke would have been perfectly fine even not knowing this tad bit of information. But if Raven blurted it out all of a sudden, there sure must be a reason why.

Raven looked at Clarke expectantly. But Clarke didn’t say a word.

“Okay, I don’t know how else to do this. I’m just going to tell you. Lexa’s caught some kind of stomach infection a few days ago. She just won’t keep any food down. But the good news is, she’s better now. Since yesterday, she’s been eating light stuff, liquids, oral rehydration salts and what not.

But whatever Anya or I give her to eat, she just doesn’t have an appetite for it, you know.”

The look of worry on Clarke’s face was serious.  

“I don’t know, you guys have lived together before, I mean, is there anything in particular she’d like to eat, some kind of comfort food or anything I can cook up for her?”

‘Yes… I mean… she used to crave this particular soup, a family recipe passed down to me”

“Really?!”

“Yea. I can make it right now actually. But…”

“What is it?” Raven asked.

“You can’t let her know it was me. She wouldn’t want me knowing anything about her right now and the last thing I want is for her to feel I’m disrespecting her ask for space.”

“I’ll tell her it was your mom”

“Okay”

“Great!” a wide smile donned Raven’s lips and she hugged Clarke. 

“I’m going go take a quick shower, and then I’ll head out to her place”

“I’ll have the soup ready by then” Clarke said.

Raven rushed to the stair case but stopped when Clarke called out to her “Thank you, Raven. For looking out for her.”

“Hey, always.”

 

When Raven was back downstairs, Clarke was pouring the soup into a flask.

“just make sure you serve it hot, okay. I think the salt might be less, so please, taste it yourself first and then give it to her”

“Quit fussing, griffin. I’m sure it’s wonderful”

“If Lexa’s sick, where’s Madi”

“Oh she’s at home, Anya and I have been taking turns baby sitting both of them”rave chuckled.

“Okay. If it’s too much of a trouble with your schedules, I don’t mind looking after Madi for a day or two, it’ll give her and you guys some rest.”

“Anya suggested another play date to Lexa, but Lexa turned it down saying she didn’t want to bother you since the kids just did a sleep over here a few days ago and it was her turn next”

“Don’t be silly. Please, I’m okay. I don’t mind it at all, especially if it’ll take a load of your shoulders. I want to help, raven”

“Okay, I’ll talk to them today.” Raven said with a smile.

The past 4 months, the kids had gotten so used to these play dates at each other’s houses. Clarke and Lexa would text each other, keeping it super simple and plain,

“Hey, when should I send Madi over?”

“5 pm?”

“Works.”

But so far either it was Anya or raven bring them over and dropping them off, or them answering the doors. Clarke wanted to make sure that if Lexa didn’t want to see her until she was ready, that she never appeared before Lexa at all.

 

“Hey, yea yea, I’m already here. Just taking dinner to Lexa’s room”

“Okay. I’ll be home in like half an hour to relieve you, then you can go home and get some rest.”

“Anya, I’m fine. Don’t worry. In fact you don’t need to come here. I got this. I’ll stay the night. You anyway have a long day tomorrow”

“Touché. Are you sure this is fine?”

“Yes, it is. Really.”

“Okay. But I’m coming over anyway because I want to see you”

“Now that’s sweet” Raven said, chuckling.

“I’ll see you in 30” said Anya and hung up.

 

“Hey, I got you dinner” said Raven as she knocked on Lexa’s room door and entered in.

Lexa turned on her side and then slowly sat up. She was still feeling a little weak from all the throwing up and the anti-biotics she was on, but she was feeling much better than what she felt like two days ago.

“Thanks Rae, but what is it? I’m not sure I want to eat anything right now.” Lexa said softly.

“Oh no. you can’t say no to this.”, said Raven as she made her way over to Lexa’s side, and placed the tray down near her bedside table.

“Griff.. sorry, Mama-Griffin sent this over for you, said you’ll absolutely love it and it’s just the kind of comfort you need”

Lexa looked at the soup. The family recipe that Clarke used to make for her whenever she was ill, back when they were together. Her mouth began to water just thinking of it.

“Mama Griffin knows I’m sick?” Lexa asked out of the blue.

Raven wasn’t expecting an interrogation, so she quickly formulated her answers “Uhh, yea actually, she’s umm, she’s visiting Aden and… yea.”

Lexa chuckled softly. “You’ve got to stop with the tip-toeing Rae, I have no problem with you saying Clarke’s name”

“Right sorry, she’s visiting Aden and Clarke. I happened to tell her you were unwell and she quickly whipped up this soup saying you should have it, it’ll make you feel better.”

“Thanks for bringing it over then, Rae” Lexa said with a smile.

“Yea, no problem. So I’m going to go check on Madi, make sure she eats, takes a bath and gets ready to sleep, I’ll send her in here to say goodnight…”

“I can go to her Raven, I’m not crippled” Lexa laughed, finding Raven’s caring nature so freakin’ cute.

“Yea sure, whatever you like.” Raven laughed.

“Also, umm, I checked. Clarke’s alright with Madi and Aden doing one more sleepover at her place this week, at least until you’re feeling better.”

“What?! Raven why did you ask her?” Lexa seemed upset. She really didn’t want Clarke to be bothered by her illness.

“I… I mean I didn’t ask directly, she proposed it…”

Lexa shrugged. “I’ll think about it, okay. Honestly I’m feeling much better, I don’t think you and Anya should be planning your schedules around me like this, I don’t like the idea of you guys inconveniencing yourselves.”

“It’s really no trouble Lex, we’re all like family anyway. I want to be here for you.”

Lexa nodded with a smile.

“Have your soup, I’ll be back” Raven said with a smile and left the room.


	40. Chapter 40

Lexa took the soup bowl in her hands and took a good deep inhale, the aroma took her travelling back in time to years ago when Clarke sat by her side and fed her, her all famous clear soup, telling her how the recipe had been passed down for ages in her family, how some day she’d pass it down to their kids.

Lexa smiled at the memory. She took a sip then and closed her eyes. This was it. This felt like home.

Lexa knew one thing for sure. This was not Abby’s doing. This was definitely Clarke’s. Lexa stirred the soup around and noticed a few things. Abby had a preference for herbs. Clarke however liked to use ‘em all. And this definitely had Clarkes mix.

Lexa smiled to herself and continued sipping on the heavenly tasting soup. It was everything she needed right now. She could feel her insides thanking her for the soothing liquid.

When she was done, she kept the bowl aside and picked up her phone. She didn’t know if this was okay to do. But she felt she needed to.

She quickly typed.

“Received the soup. Thank you, Clarke.” She sent the message to Clarke.

“Lexa, Hi. Umm, mom sent it. I’ll convey your thanks. I hope you feel better soon.”

“I’m pretty sure you sent it. But I’ll let this slide. The soup made all the difference. My stomach thanks you. ;)” Lexa replied.  

“:) ” came Clarke’s reply.

* * *

 

It was the first time Lexa had said something to her over text, that wasn’t about dropping the kids off somewhere, in 4 months now. But Clarke didn’t want to read too much into it. She took a deep breath and kept her phone aside. This was enough for today.

She didn’t want to force Lexa into a conversation if she was not ready for it yet.

But Clarke couldn’t help but smile to herself. She was secretly so happy, internally screaming at how Lexa caught onto the fact that the soup was indeed made by her and not her mom. She wondered what gave it away.

* * *

 

2 months later

“I don’t know Anya, maybe she just sent this out of formality. I really don’t want to mess things up” Clarke said to Anya as she traced the edge of the invitation card in her hand.

Anya had come over tonight to give it to Clarke, Madi’s birthday was coming up, and Lexa had planned a big bash at her place.

“I’m sure Lexa would want you to be there for real, Clarke, she wouldn’t have sent the invite otherwise”

Clarke shrugged.

“You can’t not be there. Madi would be devastated. She even insisted on writing your card herself.”

Clarke chuckled, as she traced the handwriting in the card.

“Clarke, I’d love for you and Aden to join me in celebrating my 6th birthday, this Sunday” the first line of the card read.

“I can send Aden over. And maybe I could take Madi out for a day, just her and me, that way I won’t be upsetting anyone”

“Don’t be ridiculous Clarke. Please. Just come. I know Lexa, if she didn’t want you there she wouldn’t have sent the invitation”

Clarke thought long and hard about that and finally nodded, “okay, I’ll come. For Madi”

Anya almost squealed in excitement and pulled Clarke in for a hug.

* * *

 

“So she said yes?” Lexa asked.

“She did.” Said Anya, sitting beside Lexa on her couch.

Lexa took a deep breath. “Okay.”

“How is she? Really?” Lexa asked.

“From what I know from Raven, she’s doing well. The counselor has reduced her sessions per month, she’s off all types of pills, and she’s really coming back to herself.”

“Okay” said Lexa, taking the time to let that sink in.

“What about you, how are you doing, really?” Anya asked. 

“I’m actually feeling good. I think staying away this long has really helped me put things in perspective. I’ve been able to channelize all that anger.”

“That’s amazing” said Anya

“I don’t know Anya, I mean I’ll only know how ready I am to face her, when I actually face her.”

Anya pulled her in to a tight embrace and kissed her head

“Lex, don’t force yourself to see her if you don’t want to.” said Anya, trying to give Lexa an open space for her to be honest. “I mean even now, if you suddenly decide you don’t want her here on Madi’s birthday, I’m sure she’ll understand”

“That’s just it. I want her here. I really want to see her again. And more importantly, Madi wants her here.”

Anya smiled “That she does. The minute the cards came from printing, she picked out one and said out loud “This one’s for Clarke and Aden””

Lexa laughed.

* * *

 

Sunday.

Clarke was looking through her wardrobe to find something nice to wear for Madi’s birthday party this evening when she was alerted of her phone ringing.

The minute she laid eyes on the caller ID she froze. It was Lexa. In one second her thoughts went wild.

‘Lexa? Calling me? What? Is she okay? Is this it. Is this the moment she comes back. No wait what. Maybe this is a mistake. Should she pick up? It surely must be a mistake. Why would Lexa call? But it has been 6 months now that they’ve stayed away from each other. But is 6 months really a lot?  Maybe it’s too little, Maybe Lexa’s pocket dialled her number. Maybe…’

“Hi, Lex?” Clarke said, having picked up the call 2 seconds after it started ringing.

“Oh thank god. Clarke. Ummm… I’m sorry… I uhh… needed a small favour”

“Uh yea sure, what is it?”

 “I wouldn’t have called you if it wasn’t this urgent. Anya had a last minute call at work and Raven’s got a shift all day. Everyone else I know is busy too. I’m still running a few errands for the party and I’ve got to go pick up Madi’s dress from the laundry…”

“Hey hey hey, Lex… Calm down... What is it? What can I help with…?” Clarke had noticed that Lexa thought to contact her the last from everyone she knew. It hurt a little, but that wasn’t important right now. What was important was Lexa needed help. And Clarke would help her. No matter what it was. Because this would be her first chance to start gaining Lexa’s trust again. This would be a start.

Clarke also wanted to acknowledge the warm feeling in her heart right now at hearing Lexa’s voice again after all this time. It was magic. Just the voice, not the tone. The tone was what worried Clarke.

“The cake. I’ve ordered it from that bakery down the street, next to your place. They had told me they’ll deliver it here, but they just called me saying their delivery boy hasn’t come in today and I’ll need to send someone to pick it up. Will you be able to bring it over, please…?”

“Cake, yea sure. Of course. I can do that. I got it. Consider it done.” Clarke said confidently. Of course she could do this for Lexa, for Madi.

Lexa breathed a sigh of relief. “Really?”

“Yea yea, it would be no trouble at all, in fact, it would be a piece of cake, so to say.” Clarke tried to make light of the situation, sensing Lexa could do with a laugh.

And she was elated when she actually got a laugh in response.

“What time do I need to go pick it up?” Clarke asked.

“Alright give me one sec, I’ll give you all the details”


	41. Chapter 41

It was 5 pm now. Clarke was walking towards the bakery.

A 2 kg strawberry ice cream cake with ‘Happy Birthday, Madi’ written over it. That’s what she had to pick up.

It was an ice cream cake, so Clarke had to get it to Lexa’s house as fast as she could or else the best part about the cake would melt. Apparently, strawberry ice cream was Madi’s favourite. Clarke kept that fact safe. She wanted to know every little things about the little one.  

She picked up the cake just in time, placed it on the passenger seat next to her and started driving towards Lexa’s neighbourhood.

She’d done it. She’d manage to run this little errand for Lexa. She smiled to herself. This was a good start. Lexa would be relieved and Madi would be ecstatic. Everything was good. Now she just had to pick Aden and his friend Jonny from Jonny’s house and take them to the party.

Clarke smiled to herself.

* * *

 

It was 7 pm and Madi’s friends were all almost here. The little ones were running around wearing party hats and claiming balloons. Madi herself was so excited about it all.

Lexa looked at the time on her phone. Where was Clarke? She tried ringing her up once again. This was her third try and she was beginning to worry.

Clarke picked up

“Clarke, where are…”

“I’m in the building. I’m here I’m here!”

Lexa noticed Clarke was panting, she also sounded quite riled up.

“Clarke, is everything okay?”’

“Yea yea, sure. Why wouldn’t it be? All good. I got the cake, Aden and Jonny are with me. We’ll be outside your door in like 2 minutes tops”

Lexa laughed, “Okay…”

 

Lexa was still not convinced about everything being okay with Clarke, but she decided she had other things to worry about right now. No 1- The cake was here. Which means she had to gather everyone around soon and then start with the games and the dancing and all of it. No-2 Clarke. She was going to see Clarke after 6 whole months.

 

Anya pulled open the door

“Clarke, you made it!” said Anya excitedly.

“Anya, hi, when did you get here?” Clarke said as she entered in, the large cake in hand, and the two little boys following her in. The minute they spotted Madi and some other friends they ran away in their direction.

“Aden, behave yourself okay, I don’t want any trouble”

“Yes momma, don’t worry” he replied chirpily.

Anya closed the door behind her and then walked with Clarke towards the kitchen where she took the cake from Clarke’s hands and laid it down on the kitchen island.

“Just 30 minutes ago, Raven’s on her way now. She should be here in 5”

“Great.” Clarke said. Then moved to find the fridge to help Anya put the cake in.

Now that the cake was safely kept in, Clarke took a moment to look around.

“Wow, this is a nice place”

“Yea, its taken them a while but they’ve finally settled in.” said Anya.

Clarke nodded.

“So, what took you so long? Lexa told me you were going to get the cake at 5. We assumed you’d be here by 6…”

“Long story…”

“Momma, momma, some play with us!” came Aden’s voice as he ran towards Clarke.

“Later then?” Anya said with a smile.

Aden was pulling at Clarke’s arm and dragging her away. ‘

“Yes yes, we’ll talk later” said Anya.

* * *

 

Clarke finally allowed herself to be led to the living room where all the kids were now sitting around and watching a magician do some pretty neat tricks.

“Honey, I need to wish Madi first, do you know where she is?” Clarke asked Aden.

“I saw her go that way” Aden said as he pointed towards another room.

“Okay, why don’t you sit right here and watch the magician and I’ll come and join you in a little while okay?”

“Okay, I’ll save you a spot” he said.

 

Clarke walked towards the direction Aden pointed at in search of the little birthday princess and saw little Madi talking to a young woman in the hallway.

“Thank you, Costia” Madi said. “I love it”

The young woman then wrapped Madi in a tight, warm embrace and said “Happy birthday, baby”

Clarke felt like she was intruding. So she stopped away, but Madi spotted her before she could walk away

 “CLARKE! YOU MADE IT!” Madi ran from Costia and straight into Clarke’s legs, hugging them and clinging on to her like her life depended on it.

Clarke chuckled, she leaned down and kissed atop Madi’s head saying “Happy birthday, Munchkin!”

“Thank you, Clarke!” she said with the widest grin ever.

“Where’s your mom, baby?” Costia said, approaching Clarke and Madi and with a warm smile, she acknowledged Clarke.

“She got a phone call and went outside to take it, I think.”

“Okay, sweetheart why don’t you go join your friends for the magic show ha? Clarke and I will be right there.” Costia said to Madi.

“Alrighty” the little girl said and bounced away happily.

“Hi, if I heard right, you’re Clarke?” the woman said, with her hand extended forward.

“Yes, that’s me. But I’m so sorry, I don’t think I know who you are, Have we met before?” Clarke shook her hand gently anyway.

“Oh no, not at all. My name’s Costia. I’m a friend of Lexa’s.”

Clarke looked confused. Lexa had never ever mentioned a Costia in the time they were together. Which meant… she must be a friend from the time Lexa was in Washington.

“Oh hi, nice to… meet you” Clarke said, trying to keep a slight smile on.

“The feeling is mutual”

For some reason, Clarke felt uncomfortable. Like she was being sized up. Like she was being judged. This whole exchange felt strange. So she decided to move away.

“My son’s waiting for me, so I think I’m going to join….” She said as she took a few steps back. However Clarke was cut off mid-sentence when she bumped into someone behind her.

“I’m so sorry…” she said as she turned around, only to be faced by Lexa.

“Lex…” she said.

“Clarke, you made it…” said Lexa. Her eyes had a certain sparkle to them, even the smile was genuine, so very real Clarke took the liberty to notice.

“Hi…” said Clarke, nervously. Her eyes focused on the green orbs before her.

“Hi…” said Lexa.

“It’s good to see you” said Clarke.

“It’s good to see you too” said Lexa, her smile widening.

Clarke allowed herself to fully smile back, to really allow herself to feel the happiness she was feeling inside of her from seeing Lexa again after all these months.


	42. Chapter 42

“You cut your hair.” said Clarke, letting her eyes roam to Lexa’s hair.

“Yea, it had grown too long anyway” Lexa said. “How have you been doing?”

“I’m well. I’m better…” said Clarke

“That’s good to hear…”

“Hi Lexa” came an all too familiar voice from behind Clarke. Only then did Lexa allow herself to notice there was someone else with them.

“Costia?” Lexa said, surprise written all over her face.

“OH my God! When did you get here?” Lexa moved past Clarke to greet her friend. Clarke turned around and watched the exchange. Lexa embraced Costia, and Costia went on to give her a kiss on the cheek.

“I’m sorry, I should have called before coming, but I wanted to surprise Madi” Costia began to explain to Lexa.

“Wow. Well, you sure did surprise me.” Lexa said, holding her hands. “Wow” she exclaimed, still in shock. But Clarke saw through it, it was surprise alright, but with an undertone of nervousness that comes from not being prepared for what to do next.

“I’m sorry, where are my manners… Costia, this is…”

“Clarke, yes, I know. We met. Just now.” Costia said.

“Oh. You’ve met Clarke then…”

“Yea, uhhh. We just introduced ourselves” Clarke chimed in.

“Okay…ummm... Let’s go get the cake out” said Lexa. She smiled at both of them and began walking towards the kitchen.

* * *

 

Madi was standing before her cake now, the candles lit, Lexa and Anya by her side.

Clarke was holing Aden in her arms and watching the three of them pose for pictures. Pictures that Lexa’s friend Costia insisted on clicking for them.

“So, who is she?” came Raven’s voice from beside Clarke.

“She’s a friend, of Lexa’s. Madi seems to have a great fondness for her, saw her giving Madi a little box of jewellery earlier, as a gift too.”

“Oh…” said Raven.

“You want to tell me what happened about the cake catastrophe?” Raven asked with a smirk.

Clarke laughed.

“Wow, we’re laughing about it now, aren’t we? Just an hour ago you almost had a panic attack over the phone.”

“It’s funny, when I think about it now” Clarke said.

Raven smiled. “You did good. I know she appreciated that you took care of that for her.”

 Clarke nodded. The crowd began singing Happy Birthday and the two of them joined in. But when it was time to cut the cake, Madi looked around, seemingly searching for someone. She spotted Raven, Aden and Clarke in the crowd of guests and called out to them.

“C’mere Clarke! Raven! Aden!” she said with mirth on her face.

Lexa smiled. It said something to her that Madi wanted the three of them to be a close part of this moment.

Costia caught Lexa’s eye, raised an eyebrow and smiled.  Lexa smiled back warmly.

*click click*

* * *

 

“You seem to be doing okay, Lex, and I’m happy for you” said Costia as she put her coat on, ready to leave.

“Thank you. And Thank you for coming today. It meant a lot to Madi.”

“It was my pleasure. And anyway, I finally got a chance to see your girl.”

“Cos…”

“No no, it’s okay Lex. Whatever happened between us, it’s in the past. I understand why you did what you did.”

“I still feel bad”

“There’s nothing to feel bad about. We’re friends. And I’m more than happy we stayed that way.”

Lexa nodded. “I’ll call you” she said to Costia.

“Let’s do dinner sometime, maybe invite Clarke too.” Costia said with a smile.

Lexa laughed. “Soon” she said.

* * *

Clarke watched Lexa walk Costia to the door. They spoke a little before Costia hugged Lexa goodbye.

She was the last of the guests to leave. Save for Aden, Raven, Anya and herself now.

Lexa turned around and caught Clarke’s eye. Clarke quickly turned away. She spotted Anya carrying Aden into the room from the kitchen, a piece of cake in his hand being stuffed into his face.

“Another piece of cake? Anya, really, he’s already eaten so much” Clarke said, standing up from the couch to take Aden from Anya.

“That’s okay, he’ll be fine, won’t you little man?”

Aden looked up from his piece of cake and grinned from ear to ear. Anya laughed and kissed his cheek.

“You can eat all the cake you want, Aden” came Lexa’s voice as she joined them in the living room.

“Thank you, Lexa” Aden said with a satisfied smirk.

Madi ran into the room them wearing the new dress Clarke gifted her. She did a twirl before all of them, flipped her hair and said “well, how do I look?”

The room erupted in giggles and laughter

“Like a princess” said Raven.

“I was going more for a queen, but I guess princess will do too” the 6 year old said.

Lexa’s phone buzzed, she unlocked it and saw that Costia had sent the photos she had clicked. She couldn’t help but smile at the big picture of all of them.

Raven, Anya, Madi, Aden, Clarke and herself. It looked kinda perfect.

“What are you smiling at?” Anya asked Lexa.

“Oh nothing, Cos sent the photos. They’re nice.”  Lexa said, looking up at all them.

Lexa caught Clarke’s eye for a moment before Clakre turned her attention to Aden who was sitting in her lap and licking his fingers.

“Aden, baby, go wash your hands, we should get going now.”

Lexa was suddenly reminded that Clarke and Aden would eventually be leaving. And so she hastily spoke up.

“Wait, Clarke, can we talk?”

It caught Clarke off guard, she really didn’t think Lexa would want to talk much to her yet, but looks like this was happening.

“Yea sure…” Clarke said.

Lexa got up from her seat and walked towards the kitchen, Clarke sent Aden off to wash his hands and followed Lexa.

* * *

 

“God he ate so much of that cake, I hope he doesn’t get a stomach ache later tonight.”  Anya said to Raven, while twirling Madi around in her new dress.

“Well Clarke went through hell and back to get that cake, I think it’s a good thing that everyone enjoyed it”

“She never did tell me about what happened?”

Raven laughed, “promise you won’t tell Lexa?”

“I promise”

“The cake we ate here, well that’s not the one she picked up from the bakery Lexa ordered it from”

“What!” Anya looked shocked.

“What!” Madi exclaimed


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43

“Sweetheart you can’t tell your mom, okay?” Raven pulled Madi into her arms and tickled her sides.

“Pinky promise, I won’t” She said between giggles.

“So apparently, she hit the brakes real hard when she noticed a lost kitten on the road and the cake slid forward off the seat.

“OOOOOOOoooo” Both Anya and Madi exclaimed.

“Exactly” said Raven.

“And then?”

“She went around, stopping at about every bakery around town, trying to find a 2 kg, strawberry ice cream cake”

“You’re kidding me”

“You know I’m not”

“Why didn’t she just call, I’m sure Lexa wouldn’t have minded another cake, given the situation”

“I don’t know what came over her, she called me up, all panicked and riled up, saying she was going to be a little late, but she was going to make sure to get that particular cake, no matter what, and to not mention the accident to Lexa.”

“Clarke’s funny” Madi exclaimed with a giggle.

“That she is” Raven said

“I’m going to go try on the other dress now” Madi said and ran towards her room.

“I see, Clarke’s determined to get her to trust her again” Anya said.

“Yea, why else would she go through all that trouble?” said Raven

“It’s a good thing. I think they can work things out…” Anya pulled Raven into her side and kissed her head

“Let’s hope for the best” said Raven.

 

“What’s up?” Clarke said.

“Thank you, for coming today… it meant a lot to Madi”

Clarke nodded with a smile “I’m glad I came too. At first I wasn’t sure but…”

“I understand. How are you?” Lexa asked

Clarke laughed “You asked me that already.”

Lexa laughed “I’m sorry, it’s just… it’s nice to see you after all this while.”

Clarke nodded. She felt the same.

“Lexa listen…” Clarke began

“Let’s go out” Lexa blurted out.

Clarke looked surprised.

“I mean, you, me, Madi and Aden... Let’s spend some time together.” Lexa said.

“Wow. Yes, sure… But are you sure you want to do this? I mean, Lex, you don’t have to feel pressured or anything, I’ll wait. For whenever you’re really ready.”

 “I won’t know until we do this… I really want us to be able to spend time with them, but together…”

“Okay…” said Clarke.

“So this is it then… we’re talking again?” Clarke asked after a pause. She wanted to be clear on what’s okay and what’s not. She didn’t want to over-step any boundaries. This was going to be her second chance. And she wanted to get it right in every manner.

Lexa smiled. “Yea, yea, we’re… talking…”

Clarke nodded, still a little unsure.

“There’s this fair happening at Madi’s school grounds next weekend, maybe we should all go together? That’s if you don’t have any other plans…”

“Next weekend…yea. No, I don’t have any plans. We’ll be there. Sure.” Clarke assured.

“Okay” said Lexa.

“Okay” said Clarke. Clarke turned around to walk back towards the living room and Lexa followed behind.   
Just before they could come into Raven and Anya’s line of sight,

“Wait, there’s something else” said Lexa, as she reached out to grab Clarkes hand.

Clarke turned to face her, and immediately held Lexa’s hand more purposefully.

“What is it?” Clarke said, with worry in her eyes.

“Costia… is a friend of mine”

“Lex… You don’t have to explain anything to me… please.”

“No, I just felt like I should tell you. There is a story to it, and I will tell you about it someday, but I want you to know she’s a close friend of mine, and I trust her when it comes to Madi”

Clarke nodded in understanding.

“That came out wrong… I don’t mean that I don’t trust you with Madi…” Lexa mumbled nervously.

“Lexa stop. It’s okay. You don’t have to do this. Costia means something to you and Madi and I’m no one to question that. I’ve made my mistakes and I will atone for them. I want to earn your trust back. And honestly, if Costia is someone you trust more than me then I will just have to accept that. But I want to be a part of your life if you’ll allow. I want to be a part of Maddi’s life and I want you two to be a part of mine and Aden’s life.

So yea, if that means accepting whatever history you’ve had with Costia, if that means befriending her, I’ll do it. Whatever it takes.”

Lexa smiled. “Okay”

“Okay” Clarke squeezed her hand lightly and then let it go.

They turned to walk back, when suddenly Lexa spoke again

“And thank you, for bringing the cake, I swear to god I would have had a panic attack if you’d said you couldn’t pick it up.”

Clarke laughed. “Don’t worry about it. Always” Clarke said with a smile.

 

* * *

 

 

 “Mommy I want to ride the ferris wheel!” Madi said, stopping and staring at the huge wheel in the distance.

Clarke pressed her lips together and looked towards Lexa. Lexa looked utterly terrified. It was the one ride she’d never been on. Ever. She was terrified of it. It was the one ride they would skip even in their younger days when they would go to the fair together.

Clarke watched Lexa get visibly nervous. She almost began to come up with a distraction for Madi when Lexa spoke.

“Sure honey. Let’s do it”

Clarke sharply turned to look at Lexa and raised her brow at her. Lexa simply smiled, nervously and said “I’ve got to get over it someday. Might as well be today.”

Clarke wanted to laugh, but it was cute. And almost as if Lexa did not want to ever show Madi that she could be afraid of anything.

The kids were ecstatic and had already starting running towards the ferris wheel.

“Aden, Madi, don’t run!” Clarke called after them as she and Lexa rushed behind them.

“Are you sure you’re up for this? Clarke asked Lexa once more.

“It’s now or never, Clarke” Lexa said with a smile. She almost looked… excited. Clarke laughed.

* * *

 

They were seated in one of the cars now. They were the last to fill up the wheel’s capacity of people.

“You guys ready?” Clarke asked the kids and they seemed so excited. “Just stay seated the entire time okay. The view from the top is going to be mesmerizing.”

“Cannot wait!” Madi exclaimed. She was seated beside her mom. Clarke looked at Lexa, and she was putting on a good show of being totally calm and brave. It amused Clarke. The ferris wheel began to move then. Slowly taking them up.

The kids squealed in delight. Their wandering eyes looking out over the fair and beyond.

Clarke’s heart filled with joy watching the smiles on their faces and how they erupted in laughter the higher their car was being lifted up. They were almost reaching the top most point when Clarke noticed Lexa’s demeanour was tensed. Her eyes were shut and she was holding on to the side real tight.

“Hey, you okay?” Clarke asked softly from across her.

“Yea yea I’m fine” Lexa said. Keeping her eyes closed. The kids were too engrossed with the view to even notice the exchange their moms were having.

As their car was nearing down again. The controller made a stop, for a family who decided to get off mid-ride because the little girl felt sick. Clarke thought quickly and traded seats with Madi, telling her the view from her seat was better.

As the car began to move again, Clarke put one arm around Lexa to rest on the back of her seat and softly spoke.

 

 


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44

“Hey, there’s no fun if you don’t open your eyes.”

“I’m scared. I thought I could do it. But I can’t” said Lexa softly, still not opening her eyes.

“What are you afraid of?” Clarke asked.

“You know already, Clarke. We never went on the Ferris wheel even back in the day.”

Clarke smiled “I know. But just like I had assured you then, I’m assuring you now. You won’t fall. I got you.” Clarke bravely slipped her other hand into Lexa’s and Lexa held on to it.

“Open your eyes, I swear the view is too good to miss. I’m right here.” Clarke said as she squeezed her hand lightly and Lexa nodded.

When Lexa opened her eyes to the view from the top, she swore to the heavens, she’d never felt this exhilarated before. It had got to be the peak of beauty. But that changed when she turned her head a little to look the other way and was met with ocean blue eyes.

Her reflexes knew that the next move was a kiss. Her insides really wanted a kiss. It was involuntary to her muscles when she stared into these eyes. Muscle memory.

But Clarke voice interrupted. “The view’s that way.” She said with laughter in her voice.

Lexa wanted to disagree. She wanted to say “no. I got it right, the view’s this way.” but she smiled instead and took a deep breath and looked back out.

She squeezed Clarke’s hand in hers. A tiny gesture of gratitude.

“Mommy mommy, look there, we were just there at the food trucks” Madi said, looking down at the fair below them”

“Yes sweetie. Doesn’t it look amazing from up here!?”

“BEST.RIDE.EVER” Aden exclaimed.

Clarke and Lexa laughed.

* * *

 

When they got out of the ride a few minutes later, Clarke did not want to alert Lexa that she was still holding on tight to her hand. If Lexa was still a little too overwhelmed from the ride, she didn’t want to leave her shaken up.

They walked a few steps ahead with Madi and Aden jumping before them.

“Want to race me to the candy floss station?” Aden asked Madi.

“Sure thing” Madi said excitedly.

Lexa heard this exchange and immediately let go of Clarke’s hand, mom mode switching on instinctively and rushed behind them to hold on to their shoulders before “ready, set” turned into “go”.

“Kids, you can’t run around like that here. It would be really hard to find you two if you’ll get lost. And neither I nor Clarke are in any mood to be put through that torment”

“What does torment mean?” inquisitive little Aden asked. Lexa smiled and was about to explain to him when they heard the voice of a total stranger directed at her.

“Miss! Miss. Is she with you?”

Lexa turned around to find a little crowd gathered around the place where she had let Clarke go.

Her blood rushed and her breathing quickened as she stood up carried Aden in her arms and took Madi’s hand.

“Clarke?”  The crowd moved away and Lexa saw Clarke was on the ground, unconscious, being held to sit up by a little old man who must have been the first to see her faint.

Lexa put the kids down

“Momma? Momma what’s wrong?” Aden’s voice was already cracking.

“Madi, hold Aden’s hand please. And stick right here.” Lexa said as she crouched before Clarke.

“Oh my god, what happened? Can anyone hand me some cold water?”  Lexa was scared, but more than anything, she needed to get Clarke to wake up. 

“Come on, Clarke, what’s wrong?!” Lexa said, tears threatening to start to brim.

Someone passed her a bottle of water, she took some and splashed it on Clarke’s face. Clarke seemed to have responded to it, her eyes fluttered a little.

“Does anyone have anything sweet?” the old man asked around. Clarke was coming back into consciousness.

A dude from a nearby café stall handed them a packet of powdered sugar.

It worked. Clarke was awake and responding within minutes. When they were sure she was okay again and would be able to stand, “Her sugar level had dropped.” the old man said to Lexa. “It’s alright, you’re fine now, aren’t you?” he asked Clarke with a warm smile.

Clarke spoke softly “Yes, I’ll be fine. Thank you so much. I’m so sorry to interrupt your evening.”

Clarke felt Lexa’s arm come around her waist “come on, let’s get you to the car. I’m driving” Lexa said as she led them to where they’re car was parked. Clarke nodded and went with it.

“Take it easy okay.” Lexa said to Clarke as she checked her rear view mirrors and made sure the kids were buckled in nicely in the back seat. 

“I’m okay. Don’t worry. It was just a momentary thing”

“I know, but it was still scary” Lexa said, honestly.

Clarke reached out and placed her hand on Lexa’s, set on the steering wheel.

“Really, I’m fine, Thank you” Clarke assured.

“Drink your juice” Lexa told her sternly and then smiled. And Clarke huffed and picked up her juice box from the glass holder near the gear shift.

Once they had started the drive back, Clarke spoke up, “Aden Madi, I’m sorry I cut our night short”

Both Lexa and Clarke looked into the mirror to find the kids were asleep.

They chuckled.

“It’s okay, I think they had ample fun today.” Lexa assured.

Clarke smiled and turned the music down softer.

“Thank you, for suggesting we do this.”

“It felt right”

“I feel like I should ask… what did you conclude. Are you okay with this? Or do you want to take some more time away” Clarke asked.

Lexa looked at her for a moment and then back at the road ahead.

“I don’t want more time away” Lexa admitted.

Clarke wanted to scream to the world that she was going to win Lexa’s heart back. But she kept her mouth shut.

“I quite enjoyed my time with you today. Except for when you scared the shit out of me by fainting”

Clarke laughed. “I’m sorry, I was so nervous and excited about this evening that I hadn’t eaten much all day. You know how I get with a full stomach and all the rides.”

“Not one of your smartest decisions, I must say”

“I’ve got a track record of making stupid decisions in the past… so” Clarke joked. But they remained quiet.

“I guess what I’m asking you is, do you want to do this again, we go out together, for a movie or shopping or things people do…”

“I’d like that” Lexa said.

“Okay” Clarke said with a smile.

“How about we take things really slow.” Lexa suggested.

“I’m good with slow. Yea I’m okay with it”

“Clarke, you don’t have to agree with everything I say, if you have a point of view on this I’d appreciate if you tell me, honestly.”

“Honestly, Lexa. I couldn’t want you any quicker right now. But this is not about me at all. I was selfish and I stole something from us. And I want to this right, this second chance. So if you tell me you want slow. Then I want slow. That’s how it is now.”

Lexa looked at Clarke with the most understanding look she could muster.

“But if something worries you, you’ll speak up about it right?” Lexa asked.

“Yes. I will.”

“Okay”

“Okay” 

“Hey, you missed the turn towards my place” Clarke said, watching the street turn go past them.

“Your place? Oh no, not at all. After the stunt you pulled today I’m not letting you out of my sight until I know you’ve eaten a good meal and got ample rest, Clarke.”

Clarke laughed. “Kidnapping me. I like it.” Clarke teased.

Lexa laughed.

They were quiet for the rest of the ride.

* * *

 

The kids had gone straight up to Madi’s room and fallen asleep. They were dead tired from all the running around and the excitement. They had eaten a lot of stuff at the fair so Clarke and Lexa decided it’s fine if they skip dinner. They however sat down together and ate, sharing a comfortable silence with a few quips of small talk here and there.

Clarke was now seated on Lexa’s couch when Lexa came in with two glasses of wine.

Clarke reached out for the one Lexa handed her and said “Thanks”

Lexa sat at the other end of the couch and pulled her legs up under her.

“I’m having one glass and then going home. I’ll come pick Aden up in the morning”

Lexa laughed “What’s the hurry?”

“We said ‘slow’. Going to the fair together, having dinner in your home and sipping on more than one glass of wine on your couch is definitely nowhere near SLOW.” Clarke said matter-of-factly.

Lexa laughed so hard. “It’s cute how scared you are of ruining this.”

“You have no idea” Clarke said, taking a big sip from her glass.  

“Hey, slow down there.” Lexa teased.

They were quiet for a while then. Just sipping slowly. Staring at each other now and then.

“It was the herbs” Lexa interrupted the silence.

“Hmmm?” Clarke asked, wondering what this conversation as about.

“The soup you sent. I knew it was you because I know the herbs you use”

Clarke laughed and looked down, not wanting to meet Lexa’s eyes right now. It was a dangerous moment. Especially with the way Lexa was looking at her, like she could never forget the finer details of their previous life together.

“I should have known you’d figure it out” Clarke said finally.

“There are things about our past that I would like just as they were.” Lexa said softly with a smile.

Their past. This has got to be the first time they had brought up ‘the past’

“Like?”

“Like how you knew to hold my hand today to get me to listen.”

“That’s a thing?” Clarke teased.

“It’s a thing only you would know to do.” Lexa said.

Clarke wanted to blame the wine. She really did. She really wanted to credit Lexa’s words and honesty to the wine. Who knows if it weren’t for the wine, they could have been having a screaming match right here. But it was the wine that was making Lexa look at her the way she was doing right now. It had to be the wine that made it feel like Lexa was at least 3 inches closer to her than before.  

Lexa then stood up, her glass was empty. I’m getting myself some more, refill yours too?”  That’s when Clarke looked down at her glass and saw that it was empty too.

“Yea sure” she said and handed her glass to Lexa. I’m just going to go use your bathroom till then.

“Okay, I’ll be right back” Lexa said and walked into her kitchen.


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

Clarke stared at herself in the mirror. The wine was already working. She felt a nice buzz in her head. It made things seem nicer than they were.

Lexa’s bathroom smelled so much of her. It was intoxicating. Clarke finished her business and got out soon.

When she was back, the glasses of wine were on the little table by the couch. But Lexa was nowhere to be seen. So Clarke sat down at her end of the couch.

When Lexa returned from the kitchen, she placed her phone on the table, picked up both the glasses, handed one to Clarke and seated herself closer than before.

“We should toast to something.” Lexa said with a giddy smile.

“Such a Lexa move” Clarke said with laughter in her voice.

“To taking things slow” Lexa said.

“To restarting.” Clarke said. Lexa smiled.

They sipped on their wine and put their glasses down. Siting with their legs folded under them, facing each other, and resting their sides against the back of the couch.

“How’s Madi doing at school?” Clarke asked. And Lexa was more than excited to share all of Madi’s little achievements.

They talked about random topics under the sun, about Mama Griffin, Raven and Anya and their budding romance, about Aden and all his questions.

They were laughing together and at some point, Lexa’s hand that was resting along the length of the back of the couch, came in touch with Clarke’s hair. She began to play with a few locks of her wavy blonde hair.

“You didn’t say anything about my hair cut” Lexa said with a smile.

“I did. I noticed and pointed it out at Madi’s birthday, didn’t I?” Clarke asked.

“Yea but you didn’t tell me how I looked. Do you like it?”

“It’s new, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with shoulder length hair, I’ve always loved your long tresses.” Clarke laughed.

“But you look good. You always do…” Lexa pushed a strand of Clarke hair behind her ear and then let her hand softly caress the side of her face…

“You always look beautiful, flawless” Clarke spoke, softly and with her eyes fixed on Lexa’s face, like she was re-learning her, re learning every feature.

“Clarke…” Lexa spoke, her eyes making a quick detour to Clarke’s lips and back to her eyes.

‘This can’t happen. Not right now. No. As much as you want it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it Clarke! Don’t kiss her.’ Clarke’s internal voice spoke to her. 

The doorbell.

The doorbell rang. And it pulled both of them out of whatever trance they were in.

Lexa pulled her hand back as if she had touched fire. Clarke turned and sat straighter as if she was a teenager caught making out.

It took them both a second to realize they had to react to the door.

“Are you expecting someone?” Clarke asked.

“Dammit yea! Ummm, sorry I forgot to tell you. Costia called when you were in the bathroom, she was in the area and I invited her up to join us. I hope that’s fine” Lexa said, still trying to bring herself out of whatever daze she’d just been in.

Clarke nodded. Costia.

“I should get the door” Lexa said as she walked towards the door. Clarke stood up, looking around awkwardly.

She heard the door click open and overheard Lexa and Costia greet one another.

“I hope I’m not disturbing you guys or something” Costia said to Lexa.

“No, not at all, we were just sipping on some wine really. Here let me take your coat.”

In a few seconds, Lexa and Costia were in the living room and niceties were exchanged.

Lexa offered to get a third glass for Costia and right then Clarke said “Uhhh, Lexa I should go”

“What? Don’t be silly”

“No really, I’ve already had two glasses, it’s been a long day, and I got to get some sleep”

“You can sleep here… I mean, the couch is pretty comfortable, it doubles as a bed…”

“No, Thank you really, but I just want to sleep at home tonight” Lexa felt a little bad but she decided not to fight Clarke about it.

“It’s okay, you two continue. I’m sure you’ll have lots to catch up on” Lexa looked at Costia and then back at Clarke, wondering now if inviting Costia over had upset Clarke.

Clarke was already slipping her sneakers back on and putting on her coat. “I’ll uhhh… text you once I’m home” she said to Lexa. She waited one awkward moment not knowing what to do next, then awkwardly waved at Costia and left.

 

* * *

 

Clarke was breathing real hard when she reached the lobby of the building. She couldn’t figure out what was going on in her mind. It had been a roller coaster of a day. She and Lexa had finally connected a little bit again. Something had changed today. Something felt different in the way they talked, the way they touched. It was like things were going back to normal.

Everything felt right and fine, until their quiet moment was interrupted by the doorbell. Until Lexa’s lips said the name Costia.

Clarke hated herself for feeling uncomfortable there. Lexa had made it clear that Costia was a friend. But they did have some history. And Clarke was not dumb. She can see it in the way Costia looks at Lexa, that whatever broke between them, it hadn’t broken even.

Clarke hated that she could tell. She hated that she couldn’t spend a normal evening with Lexa and someone Lexa trusts as a friend.

The self-hate was getting too over-whelming to handle. Maybe it was the wine heightening the whole thing.

Clarke reached home and rushed in to take a hot shower. When she got out there were messages and missed calls from Lexa.

She quickly called her back.

“Hi”

“Clarke. Thank God! What happened?”

“I’m sorry. I got home 20 minutes back and went for a shower. I’m sorry I forgot to let you know I’m home”

“God! You scared me, after this evenings incident I was just worried if you feel faint again.”

Clarke chuckled at that. “I’m not that weak okay.”

“I’m just glad you’re home safe. You left in such a hurry. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. I guess the wine got me jittery.”

There was silence then.

“You should get back to entertaining Costia.”

“She’s asleep” Lexa said quickly.

“Oh, okay…” Clarke said.

“On the couch… I offered because she stays at the other end of town and I didn’t want her to drive after even half a glass of wine.”

“Makes sense.” Clarke said.

“Clarke, did I do something wrong? Why’d you run away? Everything was going fine until…”

“No, no no. you didn’t do anything wrong. No Lexa. It’s nothing like that. I just… wasn’t expecting anyone to join us”

“So I did do something wrong?”

“NO! Costia is your friend. I’m just getting used to that is all. I’m sorry I rushed like that. I didn’t mean to worry you.   

“If having Costia over makes you uncomfortable, I’ll make sure not to have her over when you’re here…”

“LEXA STOP IT. She’s your friend. She means something to you, she is important to you”

“Not as important as you” Lexa blurted out.

They were silent.

Clarke chuckled softly and asked “How much wine have you had?”

Lexa laughed.

“I’ll come over tomorrow to pick Aden. We can talk.” Clarke assured.

“Yes please.” Lexa said.

“Costia will start for home early anyway. She won’t be in the way when you arrive.”

“Lexa” Clakre said on an exhale.

“I meant it when I said I want us to work things out, no matter how slow Clarke.”

“The problem is not Costia, Lexa. The problem is me.”

“Then I want to help you change your mind about whatever’s worrying you.”

“It’s not fair of me to even have these inhibitions, Lex. I don’t want to feel this way about people you care about. That’s my fuckin’ problem.”  

“There is no ‘I’ and ‘you’ anymore Clarke. We’re in this together. We’re fixing us together from now on.”

Clarke was silent.

“I’m going to say something to you right now, Lex. And we can pretend it is the wine talking and I hope you’ll let it slide.”

“Shoot”

“I love you, Lex. With all my heart and with all my soul, more than I ever have before”

Silence.

There was sniffle from the other end of the line. Clarke almost panicked. Had she hurt Lexa by saying it out loud?

“Clarke, you idiot” There was slight laughter in her tone, but definitely tears. 

“Goodnight Clarke” she said.

“Goodnight Lex” said Clarke.


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter 46

“Costia fell in love with me. When I was there. We started off as friends. We’d go drinking together. Then we started meeting up for breakfasts. Then we’d stay over at each other’s’ places.” Lexa said from across her kitchen counter.  

“And all this while I still saw it as a good friendship. I didn’t realize when she started seeing it as becoming something more. One night I was having bad dreams and she came to my room to hold me through the night cause I wouldn’t stop weeping. Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, she kissed me. I was scared. Cause I didn’t like her in that way. But she liked me. And it was comforting in a way.” Lexa said and looked more intently at Clarke, wanting her to understand.

“But I wouldn’t let anything happen after that. We talked and I told her I can’t be what she wants me to be. I told her that I do care for her but I’m not in a place to be with her as a partner.

I promised her that we’d stay friends. Because I’m protective about her and she cares a lot for me. Honestly, she just wants me to be okay again.”

“I get now why I got the dagger eyes from her when she first learned I’m THE Clarke Griffin.” Clarke tried to make light of the conversation.

Lexa chuckled. “I should have known you’d pick up on some history evident between us, I’m sorry, I should have been open from the start”

“No, please don’t apologize Lex. She’s been there for you when I was a total ass to you. You and Madi too. I’m going to make an effort to see her that way, as someone who wants the same things for you guys as I do.”

“Thank you, Clarke”

“I just have one question though” Clarke said.

“Tell me”

“Are there any chances she’s still into you?” Clarke asked while biting into a waffle Lexa had just prepared for her.

Lexa thought about it for a second.

“We haven’t talked about it since that first time I told her I can’t be with her. So I’m assuming that still stands.”

“Okay”

“And if it makes you feel any better I’ll ask her to refrain from looking at you with dagger eyes.” Lexa teased.

Clarke threw some corn flakes at her in retaliation and she laughed.

* * *

 

2 weeks later.

“Hi Lex, haven’t heard from you in a while. Hope everything’s alright. Give me a call when you get this message” Clarke spoke to Lexa’s message box.

She ended the call and stared blankly at her phone wondering why Lexa was MIA for 2 weeks now. She’d thought about going over. She’d thought about asking Raven to check in. But she didn’t want to seem too clingy at the very beginning of this. But now she was begging to worry.

“You know, you could just go over. You’re no longer banned from seeing her.” Raven replied to one of her previous texts where she explained that she was beginning to worry.

“You’re right. I’ll head there now”

Clarke picked up her keys and was almost out the door when her phone began to ring. Lexa.

“Lex, Hi”

“Clarke! Hey, what’s going on?”

“Nothing I was just… I…”Clarke stumbled with her own words. “Hadn’t heard from you in a while, so I was just… worried.” She decided to go with Honesty.

“God! I’m sorry, I’m horrible. I’ve been working on a tough case the past week and Madi’s ballet recital is coming up soon so we’ve been so tied up between work and rehearsals”

“Oh, wow… that’s nice”

“That’s actually why I called you back as soon as I caught your message. The recital is this weekend. We saved you, Aden, Anya and Raven a seat. Please say you can make it, Madi would love for you to be there.”

Lexa sounded so excited, it warmed Clarke’s heart.

“Hey who is that?” came a voice from behind Lexa. Lexa spoke to the person saying “It’s Clarke”

“Hi Clarke!” the woman said.

Lexa laughed. Clarke recognized the voice.

“Sorry, Costia’s over-excited today cause the recital’s just a few days away.” Lexa said.

“Oh, Costia has come over?” Clarke asked.

“Yea, she’s done a bit of ballet when she was young, so she’s been helping Madi practice at home the last 2 weeks”

“Oh, that’s nice” Clarke said a part of her brain registering the fact that Costia has been over multiple times in the last two weeks.  

“Okay Clarke, I got to go. I’ve got a client call in like 5 minutes. I’ll text you later today, okay.

“Yea sure”

Clarke was feeling too much all at once. She groaned, took her keys and drove off to Raven’s garage.

* * *

 

“I don’t know Rae. I can’t stop thinking that as long as Costia keeps butting in, I’ll never get my place in Lexa’s life back. Madi clearly looks up to Costia in more ways than one. She’s like a mentor to her now and what am I, just a friend’s mom to her.”

“Stop beating yourself up, Griffin. You’re a talented artist and Madi looks up to you for that. So what if you can’t jump in a tutu. You’ve got other great things about you. And what are you feeling insecure about when Lexa herself has assured you that she doesn’t see Costia that way.”

Clarke huffed. Raven was right. She shouldn’t get so affected by Costia. It was petty and unnecessary. Lexa has love in her heart for one woman and that was her. Not Costia. She has nothing to worry about.

“What you do need to worry about is, do you have something nice to wear to the recital?”

Raven asked, quirking her brows and looking at Clarke from up to down.

 

It was 10 pm now. Aden was fast asleep. Clarke was soaking in her bathtub. It had been a while since she had allowed herself this relaxation.

She had lit a few candles, put in a lavender scented bath bomb, and was now soaking under the foam.

She was reading when she heard her phone buzz. Lexa. She kept her book away and saw Lexa has sent a text just as she had said she would.

“Clarke, Hi. What’s up?” 

“Hey, nothing much I was just reading. How did your client call go?” Clarke replied.

“uhhh long story short, this case is eating me up alive. I’ve been so stressed out I can’t even explain.”

“When’s the next hearing?” Clarke asked.

“Monday morning.”

“Would you mind if I come watch?” Clarke asked.

“I never understood why you liked coming for these. To date you’re the only person who actually asks to come for my case hearings. :D”

“I like watching you slay a courtroom. Can you blame me, you’re good at it. And it’s been a long while since I’ve seen The Commander at work.”

“Hahahah. Nah I think The Commander has lost her touch over the years. But who knows maybe you’re my lucky charm. We’ll come to know on Monday ;)” Lexa replied.

Clarke couldn’t help but smile. She was looking forward to Monday now.

“We can catch lunch after that” came Lexa’s next message.

“We’d have to wait until school is over to pick up the kids.” Clarke said

“No. Not with the kids. I meant… just you and me.”

Clarke sat up straight in the tub. Was this for real?

“Oh. Yea sure. That works with me.” Clarke said, a small, giddy smile dawning on her face.

“So, what was your day like?”

“Raven and I went shopping for something nice to wear to the recital.”

“O la la, show me!”

“I’d rather you see it that night itself ;) I think you’ll like it. ” said Clarke.

“Hahaha, okay. You’re trying to drive me crazy aren’t you?”

“I don’t know. Does black on me still drive you crazy? ;)” Clarke teased.

“You know it does.” said Lexa. Clarke blushed. She actually blushed. She closed her eyes for a moment and allowed herself to sink little lower into her tub.  

“I’m sorry I haven’t said much in the last 2 weeks. It’s really tough to keep you in the loop of things when you’re so far away.” said Lexa.

“I understand” Clarke replied.

“Sooner or later we’ll change that. What have you been up to these last 2 weeks? ”Lexa asked. And Clarke hoped she meant what she thought she meant. That they would move back in and they could all live together again. That way she’d always be a part of what Lexa was doing.

“I know. Don’t worry about it. Umm, I’ve been painting now and then. Sold a few pieces at an art exhibit recently.” Clarke replied.

“What? Why didn’t you tell me you had an exhibit?” Lexa asked.

“I did. I left you a text” Clarke said.

“Oh. Dammit. I’m sorry. I missed it.” Lexa said.

“It’s okay, you were busy. I’ll tell you when another one comes up.”

“Yes please. I’ll come. Madi would love to come too. She admires your work. So what are you reading?” she asked. Clarke smiled

“Not reading. Soaking.” Clarke decided she could be honest here.

“Oh.. You’re in a bath?” Lexa asked to confirm.

“Yep”

“And you’re texting me?” Lexa asked.

“Yep :D” Clarke replied.

“I don’t believe you. The Clarke I know would never take her phone in with her for a bath. She liked disconnecting completely.” Lexa replied.

Clarke stared at the message and thought real hard. There were two ways she could take this ahead. She chose the first one she thought about.


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter 47

Lexa’s phone beeped with a new message from Clarke, it was a video.

She quickly sipped on her wine and clicked on the video. It was their bathroom. She recognized every bit of it. Her favourite kind of candles, 3 of them lit on the platform near Clarke’s feet in the tub. Then the camera turns and Lexa almost dropped her wine glass. Clarke, grinning like an idiot, sipping from a glass of wine, says “Believe me now?”

Lexa couldn’t help but watch the video again, just to get a proper look at Clarke. She looked so at home. Her hair tied up in a bun, her skin bare, creamy and soft as Lexa had always known. Her make-up all cleared off. Raw Clarke. Lexa felt her heart race.

“Still there?” came Clarke’s message soon after.

“Yep. Still here. Would rather be there with you.” Lexa replied impulsively and over-thought it immensely soon after. SLOW. This was not SLOW.

She saw the three dots then. Clarke was typing. And she seemed to be typing and rethinking, deleting and re-typing. Cause the jumping dots went on for a while. Until one message finally popped up. Just two words.

“Come over”

Lexa got out of her bed. Anya was home tonight. All she had to do was let her know she was going to see Clarke. And drive over to Clarke's place and be with her. It was that easy. Except.

It was not.

Lexa had reached the bottom of the staircase in a rush and stopped. She sat there and wiped her hands down her face. She took a deep breath calming her racing heart and hit call on Clarke’s chat.

When Clarke answered the call, she was silent.

“You’re driving me crazy” Lexa said.

“I’m sorry” Clarke said. “That was a stupid move. I shouldn’t have sent that. We’re not there yet.”

“It’s not your fault entirely. I was flirting in that direction too.” Lexa admitted. 

Clarke was silent then.

“We’re definitely already there. You got me out of my bedroom and down the stairs in minutes.” Lexa said with laughter in her tone. Clarke was controlling her laughter.

“What! You were going to come over?!” Clarke asked.

“I was” Lexa admitted.

They were silent again.

“Sleep, Lexa.” Came Clarke’s soft, super gentle voice.

“And what are you going to do?” Lexa asked.

“I’ll take care of myself… for now.” Clarke said.

Lexa recognized that voice. She chuckled. “Goodnight Clarke”

“Goodnight Commander” the phone went dead.

* * *

 

Lexa bit down on her lip and stared at her phone. This really just happened.

“Arrrggghhhh!” She sighed in frustration and went back up to her room.

* * *

 

“Well ask her to step on it then!” Lexa said to Raven on the phone. “People are already in their seats. How could you guys get late?” Lexa said,over the phone. 

“Calm down, Clarke’s already driving like a total maniac. We’ll be there in like... NOW”

“Alright we’re going in and taking our seats, please rush in as soon as you’ll are here.” Lexa said.

Lexa joined Costia who was at the door of the auditorium and they went in.

“Hey don’t worry, they’ll be here” said Costia

“Yea I hope so. Or Madi will get really upset. She really wants Clarke to watch her.”

“You’re forgetting to mention how bad you want her here.” said Costia. 

Lexa looked at Costia. And sighed. “Yea. I really want to see her. It’s been a long while.”

They took their seats and the curtains were drawn.

* * *

 

Right then she spotted Raven, Anya and Aden walking down to their seats. When Raven greeted her and took her seat she asked her softly "Where’s Clarke?" 

“She’s coming. The place ran short of parking spaces. She’s parking.”

Lexa nodded. She kept looking behind. To see when Clarke would appear. Costia who was sitting beside her took her hand in hers and said “Hey relax. She’ll turn up.” Lexa nodded.

Right enough, seconds before Madi could go on, Clarke appeared, she rushed to the row of seats where she knew everyone was already seated, and walked in passing Costia and Lexa, sitting right there, on Lexa’s right.

“Where the hell were you?!” Lexa whisper-snapped.

“There was no parking!” Clarke said back in equal vigor.

“Why did you leave so late?” Lexa cross-questioned.

“Aden threw a tantrum before we left. It took a while to calm him down.”

“I… I don’t know what to say. You could have missed her entire piece!”

“What would you have done, Lex?” Clarke asked. 

“I can’t believe we’re doing this!”

“Let’s not then.” said Clarke.

“Fine” said Lexa.

“Fine” replied Clarke. 

Clarke reached down to place her bag below the seat and that’s when it caught her eye. Costia was holding Lexa’s hand.

Clarke was already upset that they were fighting now. Add this to the whole thing and she just wanted a dark hole to eat her up right now.

Lexa saw where Clarke’s line of sight was and she realized her hand was still in Costia’s. She panicked and quickly pulled away.

But Clarke had seen it. And she knew it would have upset her further.

Lexa took a deep breath. She ruined this night for them. Clarke hadn’t done anything wrong. She snapped or no reason.

* * *

 

The lights went down, the curtains opened and there she was. Madi, looking angelic as ever. The music began to play and she pranced around the stage nailing her every twist and turn, the audience was entranced. The music and her moves were so well choreographed and so well timed, it was almost as if she was not meant for this league of kids. She could take on bigger and better leagues than a school level talent contest.

Clarke was moved to tears. She’d never before seen something so beautiful. Lexa noticed her wiping her tears from the side of her eye. And All Lexa wanted to do was reach out and hold her hand. But she’d upset her and she didn’t want to push anymore.

When Madi finished, the crowd roared for her. She received a standing ovation from everyone.

“That’s my baby girl” screamed Lexa and Madi waved to her from the stage. Madi then spotted Clarke and exclaimed “Clarke! You made it!” and Clarke chuckled and shouted praise for her. 

After she left the stage and the next contestant came on, Lexa got up from her seat and went backstage to congratulate Madi on a great performance.

“Where’s Clarke, why didn’t you bring her in here? What did she think?” Madi asked excitedly after hugging her mom. 

“I’m sure she loved it, baby! You can see her after the show. Why don’t you get changed and wait for the results okay?”

“Okay. Don’t let Clarke leave without meeting me okay mommy?” Madi said.

When Lexa returned to her seat, Raven was sitting beside her. Clarke was now sitting at the other end of the row.

“Relax, we stepped out during the break and came back, seats got shuffled.” Raven said to her. 

Lexa nodded in understanding. Still hating that Clarke was now literally far out of reach. She wondered if Clarke purposefully took a seat furthest away.


	48. Chapter 48

Chapter 48

“And the first place goes to…. Madi Woods!”

The crowd once more erupted for her, knowing it was well deserved. Lexa had tears in her eyes. She really just wanted to hug someone, and she wanted that someone to be Clarke. She screamed for her baby girl. 

“Yes! Yes! Yes! Bravo baby girl! I love you!” Lexa screamed as Madi came up to receive her trophy.

Lexa wiped the tears from her eyes and looked towards the last seat. Clarke was missing. 

* * *

 

They were outside the auditorium now, in the lobby where all the kids found their parents and were clicking pictures before leaving for home.

Lexa, Costia, Raven, Aden and Anya were huddled together waiting for Maid to come outside. When she spotted them she ran to Lexa with glee on her face “I did it mommy! I did it!” Lexa knelt down to envelop Madi in the tightest hug ever.

“You were amazing! Congratulations honey!” Lexa said. 

Everyone took turns to congratulate Madi, and Lexa decided to use that time to call Clarke’s phone. Where could she have gone?

“I’m here. I had forgotten something in the car. I’m coming. Don’t leave, I need to see her”

“We’re not leaving. We’re here. Clarke listen…” Lexa said 

“Can we not talk about it now Lexa” Clakre said. 

“Okay. Yea” Lexa said. 

In another few minutes, Clarke came through the doors and rushed to Madi, Madi jumped into her arms and Clarke kissed her cheek twirling her around.

“I’m convinced you’re a queen. You owned that stage today, honey. You were made to wow audiences like that.”

“Thank you, Clarke. I’m so glad you were here to watch me” Madi said.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world” Clarke said and kissed Madi on the forehead.

“I got you something!” Clarke said excitedly as she presented Madi with a gift box.

Madi gasped in surprise. “What is it?”

“You’ll have to open it to find out”

Madi looked in the direction of Lexa and said “Mommy can I?”

“Of course baby” Lexa said. 

“Madi opened the box to find a locket.Hand-paintedd. It was colorful and dainty and so intricately painted.

“It’s beautiful! Did you paint it?” madi asked Clarke. 

“I did. Jjust for you.”

Madi hugged her tight and squealed “Thank you Clarke!”

“Open it up." Clarke said. 

“It opens?” Madi asked excitedly. 

“Yea honey, it’s a locket. It has to.” said Clarke.

Madi opened it to find a group picture, tinier than anything but clear enough to know just who it was. It was a picture they had clicked at the fair 2 weeks ago. The four of them.

Clarke watched as Madi ran a finger over the tiny picture and almost caught her whispering something to herself. Clarke thought she heard her say “Family”.

“Can you put it on for me?” Madi said and handed the locket to Clarke.

Clarke happily put it on for her, she hugged her once again and ran to her mommy to show her.

* * *

 

They all went out for dinner soon after. Costia insisted on raising a toast for Madi. While Lexa was loyal to drinking wine, Clarke chose beer tonight, but just one to have with her food. As she was driving them all home. Again, she was seated at the other end of the table and Lexa hated it. She really just wanted to have her close.

So when Clarke excused herself to visit the washroom, Lexa got up too.

“Clarke, wait up” Lexa caught up with her.

“Listen to me” Lexa said and reached out to touch Clarke’s shoulder in the hallway.

“Why do I matter all of a sudden? Why did you want me there beside you if you were perfectly fine holding Costia’s hand?”

“It's not what it looked like, Clarke.”

“Ugghhhh!”Clarke groaned in frustration, turned and walked off.

“Wait. No Listen. I was worked up… I thought you weren’t going to make it in time…”

“Can we please not have this conversation here and now…”

“Then where and when?” Lexa asked, desperately. 

“Tomorrow?”

Lexa sighed. Okay. She turned and walked back to the table.

* * *

 

After dinner, everyone said their goodbyes and goodnights and went home.

Aden was asleep now, And Clarke decided she should change out of this dress now and get ready for bed too. But there was a knock on the door. She was confused. Who could it be this late she glanced at the time on her phone it was 11 pm.

She pulled open the door to find Lexa standing there.

“Lex, what are you doing here? it's late.”

“I’m sorry” Lexa said.

“Lex… did you have more to drink after we left?”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about our argument” she admitted. 

“Come inside. How did you get here?” Clarke asked. 

“I took a cab” she said as she walked in.

When they were in the living room, Clarke turned to face Lexa.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped. I got annoyed thinking you wouldn’t make it in time” said Lexa. 

“Lexa, I wasn’t going to miss it for the world. Do you think I wasn’t upset that we got late? I didn’t even get to wish Madi good luck before it all began.”

“I know…” said Lexa

“Aden was being stubborn about wearing his formals. He started yelling and screaming. He just would listen to any of us. It almost came to a point where Raven suggested she stay home with him and we leave without them. But I was adamant on getting him along cause I knew he’d like it.”

“I was all riled up and I reacted unnecessarily Clarke, I’m really sorry” said Lexa

Clarke nodded “I’m sorry I spoke rudely to you too”

“You were provoked. its okay” said Lexa. They were silent then.

“Clarke, about Costia… is it that you’re getting jealous?” Lexa asked. 

“Lexa…”

“No I mean, cause like, I’ve told you innumerable times, she’s a friend to me and nothing more. She held my hand because I was upset that you weren’t here yet and she was telling me to be patient. I didn’t even realize my hand was still in hers when you arrived. I swear if I had known you’d get so upset I wouldn’t have even sat next to her. But I don’t see why you need to get jealous when there is no relationship to be jealous about.

“I’m not jealous of the friendship you guys share!” Clarke said. 

“Then what is it? why do you get upset at all when it comes to her?”

“BECAUSE SHE HAS IT ALL. She gets to live the life I want to live with you. She gets to come over whenever she likes, she gets to spend so much time with Madi, you trust her so much more, but that’s my own fuckin fault so I can’t change that, she gets to know about the in and out of your job just cause she’s always round…”

“Stop stop... Clarke stop.” Lexa took a few steps closer to Clarke.

“Is this what has been on your mind? all these days?" 

“Yes” said Clarke.

“This has been bothering you?” she asked.

“Yes.” Said Clarke.

“What if I told you there is one thing you have that she can never have.”

“Lex” Clarke pleaded.

“I’m serious, babe. Close your eyes.” Lexa said and she obeyed.

Clarke did not miss the endearment.

And before Clarke could think about what was happening, she felt Lexa take her hand in hers and place it atop her chest.

Tears started to form behind Clarke’s eyes.

“I don’t care that we’ve had a rough middle to our relationship. It’s behind us now. I hate that it happened, but we can rise above it. What matters to me now is building my family. My family is you. Madi and Aden. And it extends to Raven Anya and Mama Griffin. Everyone else doesn’t mean as much. Costia may seem to have the life you want but she doesn’t get all of it. She’s won’t ever have this…”

Lips collided. It took Clarke by surprise. Her eyes popped open and then closed again, because just like the many years ago, kissing Lexa came naturally. Muscle memory. Effortless. Lexa’s hands wound around Clarke’s shoulders and Clarke let her hands find Lexa’s waist. This kiss was everything. It burned their lips. Their body temperature rose. Their hands moved soothingly but quick. Tiny moans escaped Lexa’s lips when she felt Clarke finding her natural groove. Like these years did not stand between them, as if it was just yesterday they last kissed this way.

Clarke directed them to the wall behind, until Lexa’s back was resting against it.

“Fuck, I’ve missed you” Clarke said

 “I’ve missed you too”

They lips moved passionately against the others, hands roaming as if they were exploring familiar territory.

Lexa pulled away for a second to say “I wanted to tell you how delicious you were looking in this dress”

Clarke laughed and reconnected their lips. They kissed like two lovers reuniting after a tragedy. They kissed like long lost partners. They put aside all the rules they had created for themselves because for this moment, just for this moment, they each needed the reassurance of why they were doing this in the first place.

The kiss started to get more heated, when Lexa’s hand reached up to caress the side of Clarke’s breast over her dress.

Clarke pushed herself back and off Lexa.

Both of them stood, starting at each other, trying to catch their breath.

“You’re drunk. We shouldn’t be doing this. SLOW remember?” Clarke said.

“I just wanted to make a point” said Lexa.

Clarke nodded. “I think you managed to make a lot of points.”

They chuckled.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Lexa asked.

“Yea sure” Clarke said.

“Ummm let me just take a shower, I’ll set up the room for you”

“Okay”

“Okay”

 

* * *

 

When Clarke got out of the shower, she thought Lexa would still be downstairs in the living room. Instead, Lexa had stripped down to the bare minimum of her clothing, put on one of Clarke’s t-shirts and was fast asleep on their bed.

Clarke walked up to her side.

“Or we can do this” she said, chuckling to herself. She kissed Lexa’s forehead and made her way to the guest bedroom.


	49. Chapter 49

Chapter 49

“The courtroom is adjourned”

As people began to move out of the courtroom, Lexa’s client shook her hand and smiled.

Clarke watched as Lexa met a few other people and then came walking her way.

“Well?”

“I had forgotten how thrilling it feels to watch you do this.”

Lexa laughed. And Clarke smiled proudly. And in what seemed like an unexpected move, Lexa threw her arms around Clarke and said “Thank you. For being here. This case has been taking so much of my time. Our time.”

When Lexa pulled away she saw she had rendered Clarke speechless.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t …” she started.

“No no, it just… caught me off guard is all.”

Lexa smiled. “Come on” she said and led Clarke out of the courtroom.

 

So where do you want to catch lunch? Lexa asked as she got behind the wheel

“I’m good with anything you choose. Pick a place”

"I’m thinking burgers and milkshakes”

“I’m game” said Clarke.

Clarke knew exactly where Lexa was driving them too. Jimmy’s Burgers was just a few blocks down.

Jimmy’s burgers was where Lexa had first told Clarke that she may have feelings for her.

Jimmy’s burgers was where Clarke reached out and took Lexa’s hand in hers and smiled giddily and admitted to maybe having feelings for her too.

They were kids then. Look where they are now.

“Earth to Clarke” Lexa said with laughter in her tone. “Are you okay?”

“Yea yea, I’m fine” Clarke said.

Lexa stopped the car outside and turned to Clarke “Listen, Clarke, if you’re not comfortable being her, we can go someplace else”

Clarke looked shocked. But she realized she may have given Lexa the idea that she was re-thinking this.

“No. There’s no place else I’d rather be right now.”

Lexa smiled warmly, turned the car off and undid her seatbelt. “Let’s go then”

They slid into one of the diner’s booths. Clarke recalled, they definitely sat here for one of their many dates when they were younger.

A lot had changed at the place. The staff were all new, the tables and chairs were obviously styled up a bit more, the ambiance was a lot modern now. But the vibe was still the same. Homely.

A waitress walked up to their table and it didn’t take long for Lexa to notice, she had her eyes focused a little too steadily on Clarke.

“What can I get you?” she asked, her gaze directed at Clarke.

Clarke looked at Lexa and asked “Can I safely assume your order hasn’t changed?”

“Why yes, you can” Lexa said.

Clarke narrated their usual order. Two beef burgers, well done, and two strawberry milkshakes.

“Would you like fries with your order?” the woman asked Clarke.

“No thank you”

“Can I get you anything else?” the waitress asked Clarke.

“That’ll be all, thank you.” Lexa said a little more firmly.  The waitress looked at her for a second, nodded and then went away.

“You know, you winning this case, should call for a celebration bigger than just burgers and milkshakes”

“There’s time for that. I’m happy you came and I’m happy I can still say you’re my lucky charm”

It made Clarke blush. She hadn’t felt this way in a long time. Lexa really was giving her a big chance here. She really was letting her back in and Clarke was more than grateful.

“Lexa, you know you could have just walked away from me and never given me this chance. You could have moved on without me. But you’re here. Talking to me. Letting me in again and it makes me feel so good. I can’t begin to explain to you how grateful I am that you’re even with me right now. I was so scared I had lost the only thing that ever meant something to me”

Tears had begun to brim in Lexa eyes. She lightly wiped one that threatened to fall from the corner of her eye. And she laughed.

“Some people usually just start a conversation with ‘so how have you been?’” said Lexa with a chuckle and it got Clarke laughing too.

“You’re sitting too far away.” said Lexa after a moment. Clarke was so unsure then. She was sitting across from Lexa. Did Lexa want her to come sit beside her?

“It’s alright for now. Maybe next time come sit beside me?” Lexa asked carefully.

Clarke nodded. But she looked so confused.

“This is confusing for me too, Clarke.” Lexa said, quickly picking up on Clarke’s emotions.

“I’m sorry. I’m just constantly worried if I’m doing things right. Constantly worried if you’re happy or if I’m making you uncomfortable or if I’m doing something wrong…”

“I know… I feel it too sometimes.” Lexa admitted.

“Gosh, we’re adults with anxieties of teenagers just falling in love” Lexa said with laughter in her tone.

“The difference here being, we aren’t ‘falling in love’ just now.” said Clarke, mindlessly.

“We’re not?” Lexa asked, her face turning more serious now, and her hand reaching out to fidget with the edge of the table mat.

Clarke looked up at her, confused if she was on the same page with Lexa.

“What I meant is… I’m already in love with you. I never stopped loving you. So all of this, wanting to be near you more often, that’s not because I’m trying to fall back in love with you. I never fell out of love with you…”

Lexa nodded.

“I’m not sure if you’re understanding… I… are you…? Do you see this as an attempt to fall back in love with me…? Do you… did you stop loving me after what happened…?”

“No, Clarke no. not at all. I told you that evening itself. I’ve always loved you.”

“So are we on the same page or not? Do we want the same things?” Clarke asked carefully.

Clarke could see Lexa was uncomfortable with this conversation. This was supposed to be a friendly lunch and suddenly they were now talking about whether they want the same things from each other.

“Clarke… I’m finding it hard to gather my thoughts right now…” Lexa said, looking a bit restless in her seat.

“It’s okay… we don’t need to talk about this right now… it’s really okay.” Clarke hurried to make her feel comfortable again, this time reaching across the table with a hand open, inviting Lexa to take it. It was bold. But Clarke knew Lexa and she knew she needed this right now.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. We can talk about all of this later. You don’t need to think about this now”

Lexa took her hand. And immediately felt her heart rate calm down.

Their food was brought to the table then, and they got talking about all other things under the sun. They were back to their usual banter, talking about the kids and their school activities. It was almost 2 pm now, and they would have to go pick them up from school, so Clarke called for the check.

“I think in a way, I am just falling in love with you.” Lexa said all of a sudden.

Clarke was dabbing her lips with a napkin when she let that sentence really sink in. and it showed on her face that she registered what it could have meant.

“No. that doesn’t mean I fell out of love with you Clarke. It’s just that we were younger then. So much has happened since then. We’ve both been raising children of our own, we’re both adulting like never before. And maybe I’m falling in love all over again… I don’t know…”

“Maybe, huh?” Clarke teased.

Lexa threw a napkin at her “shut up”. She said, chuckling.

“So… that’s a good thing right?”

“It is…” Lexa confirmed.

“So does that mean we still want the same things?” Clarke asked.

“That depends Clarke, what do you want?”

Clarke was silent for a moment, her gaze now on a spare spoon on the table before them.

“I want to be able to kiss you after you come home from a long day at work, I want to be able to be a good parent to Madi as much as I strive to be a good parent to Aden. I want Aden to be able to call you mommy too. I want to wake up with you, fall asleep with you, I want to make you breakfast every day and paint portraits of you doing menial things around our home, I want to share a bath with you, I want people to recognize me as the commander’s partner in crime.”

Clarke earned a chuckle from Lexa there, but she couldn’t look up.

“I want the whole deal Lexa. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get there, no matter how slow I need to take this. And I hope you want those same things because I fucked up big time. I’ve made mistakes that even to date are hard to swallow but I’m dealing with them cause I want to be able for us to move on with creating our forever…”

“Clarke…”

“I want you to come back home…”

“Clarke…”

“I just want to hold you without having to worry about whether you’re okay with me touching you or not yet”

“CLARKE!”

“Yes”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	50. Chapter 50

Chapter 50

“Are you going to get down on one knee right now and propose to me because this whole monologue you got going seems to give me that idea and I don’t know how I would react to that right now, but I’d suggest you wait a while before doing something that drastic?”

Clarke was blank.  

Lexa smiled.

“I wasn’t going to propose…”

Lexa burst out laughing. She then leaned forward and spoke softly. “I want to kiss you so bad right now. But I’m holding myself back because I promised myself we’re getting this right this time around.”

Clarke nodded. “Okay”

“I want the same things you want, Clarke. All of it. All that you said and didn’t say. I want it. Sometime soon. I do. If that clears up any doubts in your head.”

Clarke still looked dazed. Lexa laughed. The waitress came over with their check and Lexa insisted she gets it.

Clarke excused herself to visit the washroom, and that’s when Lexa saw the phone number written behind the bill.

It made her dizzy. She honestly just wanted to go up to the waitress and punch her in the face telling her she can’t have Clarke. Because Clarke was hers. But Lexa knew she needed to be a little more mature about all of this.

When Clarke returned, Lexa handed her the bill, number facing up, took her bag and walked swiftly out. Clarke looked at the phone number, still confused. When she looked around, she spotted their waitress looking directly at her, and gave her a suggestive wink saying Call me.

Clarke smiled awkwardly and left, rushing behind Lexa.

 

When they were in the car, Clarke began with a teasing smile,

“So say if I was going to propose to you today…”

“Why’d you keep the number?” Lexa asked from the driver’s seat.

Clarke was caught off-guard.

“You put the bill back into your pocket. Are you going to call her?”

“What?! No! Not at all! Lexa why would you think that?” Clarke began to panic.

“Then why’d you keep it?”

“Cause you paid and I intend on splitting this. I’ll transfer my half of the bill to you.”

Lexa remained silent, her hands tonight on the wheel. Her body erect and unmoving, her eyes straight ahead.

“You can’t be serious right now, Lex, I literally just poured my heart out to you in there. How can you think for once I would want to call her up?”

Lexa closed her eyes for a moment.

“Look, if it makes you feel any better, look Lexa, I’m tearing this. To bits. Its gone.” she said as she tore it into pieces as tiny as she could, then stepped out of the car and dropped it in the nearest bin.

“It’s gone. I don’t want anyone but you, Lexa. Trust me, please.”

Lexa didn’t say a word. She started the car. Clarke buckled her seat belt and sat there, wondering how to make this situation better.

 

They were half way to the school, when a red light had them stop for a while.

“I’m sorry” Lexa said. “I over-reacted”

“Lex…”

“This is still very new for me… and I’m trying really hard. I do trust you. And I do want to trust you more. I am trying…”

Clarke exhaled loudly. “I know. I’m sorry. I should have been more careful of my actions. I had no intention of saving her number or calling her up. I honestly just kept the bill to split it.”

“I believe you.” Lexa said. This time turning to look at Clarke.

They were silent then.

“Fuck, we’ve got a long way to go” Lexa said.

“Not really, Aden’s school is just 2 blocks down”

 “I meant us. For us.” Lexa said.

“Oh” Clarke said. Silence again.

When they reached the school drive way and stopped the car, Clarke reached out and took Lexa’s hand.

“At least we know we’re on the same page now. I’ll make it work. I promise you. We’ll have the life we wanted. I know it. Soon.”

Lexa held Clarke’s hand with both of her hands. She lifted it to her lips and kissed atop her knuckles. Clarke felt the tiny hair all over her body rise.

“Is this what I get instead of a real kiss?” Clarke asked.

“For now… by the way, what’s with this reaction?” Lexa asked with a teasing smirk as she lightly traced a finger over the goosebumps on Clarke’s skin.

Clarke went red in the face.

“My body’s allowed to react to touch this way. Especially because it’s you”

Lexa chuckled. But then fell into deep thought.

“What is it, Lex?”

"Have you been with anyone? I mean intimately… since…?”

“No. No one.” Clarke said.

And it made Lexa feel guilty. In some twisted manner. Because after Lexa ended things with Clarke here all those years ago and went on to Washington, she did act out, sleep with other women, in an attempt to forget Clarke, in an attempt to forget the pain. She did have other women touch her intimately, even though none of them felt quite like Clarke. She did kiss Costia. 

“Come back, Lexa. Don’t beat yourself up for the intimacy you sought in an attempt to find comfort from the pain I caused you. We were sort of broken up then. Because of me. Technically, I’m still the only one who’s cheated in this dynamic.”

Lexa had tears in her eyes. “We don’t have to talk about this now, honey. You did nothing wrong.”

“I’ve always loved you” Lexa tried to explain.

“No no no, please. Don’t explain yourself to me Lex…”

Lexa quickly wiped the tears from her eyes, took a deep breath and said, “We’ll talk okay?”

“Yes, whatever you want. Just please don’t beat yourself up about this”

Lexa was till holding on tight to Clarke’s hand.

“I have to go get Aden. Will you be okay waiting in the car?”

Lexa nodded.

 

Lexa looked at the time on her phone. She wondered what was taking Clarke so long. If they didn’t move now, she’d get late to pick Madi up from school.

Her phone beeped with a message from Clarke

“Hi, Aden’s teacher wants to have a weird with me about something that happened today. I’m going to be a while. I suggest you head on towards Madi’s school. I’ll call you.” Read Clarke’s text.

“Alright. Hope everything’s okay though. Call me.” Lexa replied.

 

“How was your day?”

“It was great, mommy. Megan and I got put on a project together, so can you take me to her house this evening? We want to get started on it as soon as possible”

“Wow, I like your excitement for this project. Megan’s the new friend you made, right?”

“yes mommy, she’s really cool. And so much fun”

“That’s amazing honey”

“Where’s Clarke and Aden, I thought you said they’re coming with you”

“Something came up at Aden’s school, so Clarke had to wait back”

“Oh” said Madi.

Lexa looked at Madi only to notice she visibly seemed sad that Clarke and Aden weren’t here.

“Maybe after your study date with Megan, we can go have dinner with Clarke and Aden?”

“YESSS, I’d like that.”

She seemed happier now. And Lexa began to think about how Madi was already so attached to the two of them, that eventually when the time came for her and Clarke to really reunite in their own home, Madi would have no trouble fitting right in. she hoped that Aden was on the same page too though.

“Mommy, I actually had a question for you.”

“Shoot. What is it?”

“Has Clarke always been a friend to you?”

Lexa found this question to be quite odd.

“Yes honey, why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. I happened to show Meghan our pendant today…”

Lexa looked at Madi, she was playing with the locket around her neck.

“And she saw a little line on the side and said it’s not just a pendant, it’s a locket.  And I remembered Clarke telling me that day, that all lockets have to open…”

“Madi…”

“So Meghan helped me get it open, it was so tough though. She said maybe because it’s not been opened in a long while. And when it did open…”

 


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51

Madi opened the locket then and there.

“I found this mommy. A picture of you on one side and a picture of Clarke on the other…”

“Yes…”

“But I’ve always had this locket, mommy. Did you or Clarke put the pictures in recently?”

“No… but I can explain.”

“And then Meghan told me that maybe you and Clarke might have been more than just friends…”

Madi looked at her expectantly.

“I will explain… at home, once you’ve showered, had lunch, and slept for a bit”

Madi looked confused. But she let it go.

When they reached home, Madi ran up to her room to freshen up for lunch.

 

“Clarke. Madi opened the locket!” Lexa sent a text to Clarke.

“Uhh. Lexa, I opened it for her on the night of the recital itself, remember?” came Clarke’s reply.

 “Not the one you gave her, babe. I’m talking out our locket. THE locket.” Lexa sent back

“Holy #%@!” came Clarke’s reply.

“I don’t know how to do this. Tell me how to do this.”

“Hey. Hang in there. I think you can explain it to her. She’ll understand. She’s smart and pretty mature too.”

“Okay, I’ll try. You’re allowed to think I’m crazy, but can you be here when I tell her?” Lexa sent.

“That would be a nice way to go about with this. But I’m a little caught up with Aden’s thing”

That reminded Lexa.

“Oh yea. What happened, you didn’t call back” Lexa sent.

“I’m still at the school. Aden got into a fight with another kid. The kids mom insists that he be suspended”

“Oh my god. Clarke, do you want me to come there? I can drop Madi off at Anya’s and come there in like 10 mins”

“No no, I’ve got this. I’ll handle it” came Clarke’s reply. Soon after that another message from her

“Let me get home, and call you. We can talk about both Madi and Aden’s situations then”

“Sure thing” replied Lexa.

 

It was around 7 pm now, and Meghan’s mom would soon be here to drop Madi back home. Lexa’s phone rang. It was Clarke.

“Hey” Clarke’s voice sounded small, and far away

“Hey Clarke… I’m so glad you called, is everything okay?”

“Yea yea, it’s all good…” Clarke fell silent then. Lexa sensed something was wrong.

“Lexa can you come over for a while?” came Clarke’s soft delicate voice. Lexa knew this voice. Clarke was crying.

“Yes. Yes of course. You know what, I’ll bring dinner. I’ll stay with you a while. I’m just waiting for one of Madi’s friend’s mom to drop Madi home, then we’ll leave for your place. Is that fine?”

“Yea”

“Clarke, whatever it is, it’ll be okay. I’m coming over. We’ll sort it out.”

“I know” came Clarke’s reply.

“I’ll see you in 20 mins” said Lexa and hung up.

 

When Clarke opened the door and saw Lexa, she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Her first instinct was to throw her arms around Lexa and seek comfort, but she hesitated.

That’s when she felt two little arms wrap around her hips

“Clarke, you were supposed to come pick me up from school! I thought we were going to spend the afternoon together!”

Clarke leaned down and kissed Madi over her head and said “I’m sorry bug, something came up at Aden’s school and I had to wait back. I’ll make it up to you, I promise” Clarke squeezed her shoulder and kissed her forehead this time.

The little gesture put a wide smile on her face.

“Okay. Where’s Aden?! I’ve got to tell him about this reptile we studied about in school today”

“He’s in his room honey, you can go upstairs and find him”

Madi ran. “Don’t run on the stairs baby, girl” Clarke called after her.

When Clarke turned back around to greet Lexa, Lexa pulled her into a life-assuring hug.

And Clarke felt her insecurities melt away. She felt so over-whelmed, she began to cry.

“Your eyes, the minute I saw them I knew you’d been crying, and that you wanted to cry some more. I’m here Clarke. What happened?”

 

They were on the living room couch now, and Clarke was narrating to Lexa.

“Apparently the teacher entered the classroom to find Aden threw a punch right into the other boy’s eye. The kid’s got a black eye now and his mom kept arguing with me, telling me things like what kind of mother teaches her kid to hit other kids. What kind of fucked up family are you running, does your child not know how to behave in a classroom”

“What a bitch”

Lexa, I didn’t even know what to say. Because Aden admitted to doing it, but he wouldn’t tell me why he did it. By some miracle I convinced the teacher not to suspend him. But only if Aden apologized to the other boy. And he wasn’t willing to do that either. So I promised the other mom that once he’s calmed down and I make him understand, he will apologize.”

“Clarke…”

“We came home, and I asked Aden repeatedly, but he just wouldn’t tell me. And he kept yelling back at me saying it wasn’t completely his fault. He then threw a tantrum to eat his food because he was angry with me now, and I lost my temper a bit with him, told him to go to his room. And now he won’t talk to me. He’s just been giving me the silent treatment since then.”

“Clarke, is that why you’ve been crying?”

“I’m clearly doing something wrong Lex, I don’t know why he did what he did, I don’t know why he feels he can’t talk to me about it, and maybe the other kid’s mom was right. Maybe I am a bad parent.

Lexa held Clarke’s face in both her palms and made her look at her. “That’s not true. Even you know that. You’ve raised Aden into this beautiful human being and I’m sure he acted out due to some reason. Maybe we need to just give him some time to understand what he’s done. Maybe he’ll come to you on his own.

Clarke wiped at her tears. “I hope so”

“Do you want me to try talking to him?” Lexa asked.

“Will you?”

“If it’ll make you feel any better” Lexa said.

“I just need someone to get through to him…”

“Okay, how about you wait here. I’ll get you a glass of water. And then I’ll go try to speak to him, okay?”

Clarke nodded. When Lexa stood up, Clarke caught her hand and stopped her

“Thank you” Clarke said.

“Always” Lexa said.

 

“Am I interrupting something?” asked Lexa from Aden’s room door.

“Mommy, I was just telling Aden about the reptile!”

“Leksa! You’re here!” Aden said excitedly and jumped off the bed to run into Lexa’s arms.

“How’s my little man doing?”

“Awesome!” he said. But Lexa could see he’d clearly forgotten the events of the afternoon.

“Aden, I wanted to talk to you about something”

“Okay…”

“Madi, honey can you go help Clarke with setting up dinner downstairs?”

“Yea sure”

“We’ll be right down”

After Madi left the room, Lexa carried Aden and made him stand before her on his bed.

“Did mommy send you up here to yell at me?” he asked as he crossed his arms across his chest, already in defense mode.

Aden, can I tell you something about your mommy?

“Yes”

“She is the strongest woman I’ve ever known, she has a heart that’s tougher than your favorite wrestlers of the world and throws a punch better than any of them could”

“What? How do you know that?”

Because when we were in school together she hit a boy who was bullying me one day. And he couldn’t move his arm for a whole day.”

“Woah!”

“My point is. Your mommy’s a tough one. She doesn’t break easily. But you know what breaks her? Hurting you. And she thinks she’s hurt you and that’s why you won’t talk to her”

“Mommy thinks I’m wrong because I hit Chris”

“And you think you’re not wrong?”

He nodded.

“Why don’t you want to explain to your mommy why you think you’re not wrong?”

“Because I’m not sure if she’ll be okay with what I have to say”

“But darling, her not knowing is even worse don’t you think? She’s your mom, she’s got your back. No one’s going to root for you more than your mother.”

“But she might get angrier if I tell her why I did it”

“If you’ve made a mistake baby, she’ll forgive you. If it was someone else’s mistake, she’ll even take on the whole world for you, but you need to tell her, you need to talk to her. She is on your side”

“And if she isn’t?”

“If by any small chance she isn’t, you have me.” Lexa winked at him. He smiled and gave her a tight hug.

He then ran outside his room, and downstairs to his mommy.

 

 


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter 52

Madi was placing plates on the table, while Clarke was taking the food out of the take away containers. Lexa had been kind enough to pick up dinner on the way and Clarke was grateful for it.

She didn’t see Aden rushing towards her, but suddenly felt her favorite pair of tiny arms wrapped around her legs.

“Aden…”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t talking to you earlier, mommy”

Clarke’s eyes were at it again. Beginning to fill with tears. But she caught Lexa’s gaze from where she was now descending the staircase and mouthing the words “You got this” to her, and the tears disappeared.

Clarke knelt down there itself in the kitchen and hugged her baby boy.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you too, baby”

He seemed to be crying into his mommy’s shoulder now, over whelmed with the day he was having. Clarke carried him up in her arms and kept kissing his head, telling him it’s okay, that she was here with him, and no one could do anything to him. She carried him to the couch and held him close on her lap until he had calmed down.

Lexa took over in the kitchen with Madi, allowing Clarke and Aden a moment to themselves. But she could hear them talking.

“Promise me you won’t get angry with me.” Aden finally said

“Aden, if you’ve done something wrong it is my duty to make sure you don’t do it again. But I can never stay angry at you. You know that.”

“Okay… Chris was calling Anaya names during lunch hour. He called her a chicken, then he said she’s a wussy. He wouldn’t stop and she started crying. So I went up to him and told him that it wasn’t nice to call her names.”

Clarke listened carefully and attentively.

To which he said he’s going to continue doing it and that I was no one to stop him. And he just went on calling her names. So I put my hand out to stop him from going near her cause he was really worrying her, he pushed me away, so I hit him.”

Clarke was silent.

“I’m sorry mommy, maybe I shouldn’t have hit him. I should have called the teacher. But I just felt really bad for her because… because… because Anaya’s my friend...”

He let out a deep exhale. And looked almost scared now of what his mommy would say.

Clarke pulled him in for a tight hug. Her little baby had stood up for Anaya, someone he was hiding as a friend. That’s all he intended on doing. And it led to a fight, he was simply defending someone’s honor.

“I’m very proud of your intentions, Aden. You wanted to do the right thing and that’s what matters most to me. I’ll talk to your teachers tomorrow and let them know what really happened okay. Chris was wrong to tease Anaya, he was wrong to push you, and you were wrong to hit him. So apologies need to go both ways.”

Aden nodded in understanding.

“I want you to promise me two things honey.”

“What is it?”

“No. 1, that you will tell me the whole truth about things like this, no matter who it involves, even if it’s Anaya.”

“I promise.”

“No. 2, you will continue to stand up for the right thing, but be smarter about it next time? Tell a teacher or just don’t hit anyone at school?”

“I promise”

“That’s my little man, right there” Clarke said and showered his face in kisses.

“You’re not angry at me anymore?”

“I’m not. I wasn’t angry at you at all. I just wanted you to talk to me. And it hurt me that you felt like you couldn’t”

“I’m sorry mommy, I just thought that… because it was Anaya…”

“I know. And I’m sorry I’ve made you feel like you can’t talk to me about these things. From now on I want you to know you can come to me for anything, no matter who it involves. And I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to hide your friendship with Anaya from me.”

“Alright mommy” he said and kissed her nose and ran into the kitchen to see what Madi was doing.

 

Lexa set the last take away container down and walked up to Clarke standing in the living room wiping her hands down her face.

“Feeling any better?” she asked

“I don’t know what you told him, but it worked. So thank you” Clarke said with a warm, tired smile.

“As I said, always.”

 

Clarke took Lexa’s hand in hers and said, “Come on, let’s have dinner.”

“Wait, who’s Anaya? And why did he hesitate to tell you that she was the reason he got into that fight?”

Clarke looked down for a moment and then stood before her and quietly spoke.

“Anaya is… Anaya Blake. Bellamy and Echo’s daughter. She’s about a year younger than Aden.

 

Hearing his name was enough to make Lexa feel uneasy, but she then allowed herself to understand the situation. Clarke continued to speak.

“Aden’s aware that I don’t talk to the Blakes and I avoid them as much as possible, even at school events”

Lexa nodded in understanding. “He must have felt I’d get angry with him for being friends with their daughter.”

“Yea. That shouldn’t be a thing”

“Exactly.” Clarke said. Then looked at Lexa and said “Don’t over think it, we’ll talk okay?”

Lexa nodded. They then held hands again without much thought to it and walked to the dinner table where Madi and Aden were already jabbering about school.

 

After Dinner, Madi and Aden were watching TV on the couch while Clarke was washing up the dishes. Lexa came to stand beside her and started wiping them dry.

“You don’t have to do this” Clarke chuckled.

“I want to” she said, bumping her hip with Clarke’s.

They both laughed.

“Help me explain to Madi why your face is near mine in a heart shaped locket that was given to her when she was a baby.” said Lexa.

“I knew there were ulterior motives as to why you’re helping me with the dishes. You hated doing the dishes”

“Hey, I’m a changed woman okay. I can manage dishes” Lexa defended with a smirk.

“On a serious note, after what you did for me today, consider it done. We can do it right now if you’d like.” said Clarke.

“I’d like that” said Lexa.

“By the way, what did you tell him, upstairs?” Clarke asked.

“Just the truth that his mommy’s got the strongest heart I’ve ever known, and nothing breaks her. Nothing except the feeling of not being able to get through to him…”

Clarke was deep in thought.

“Earth to Clarke” Lexa said with a chuckle.

“Sorry… I just…”

“What?”

“Do you still believe that? You used to tell me that so much before. That I’ve got a strong heart. But I had a weak moment that ruined so much for you. So do you still believe that?”

Lexa kept the dish towel down. She turned towards Clarke and said “look here.”

Clarke turned to face her. Lexa reached up and put a strand of her hair behind her ear, and said

“Just because we have weak moments in our life doesn’t make our hearts any weaker. You yourself said, you’ve loved me through it all. You’ve cared for me through it all. I could be delusional, but somewhere deep down, I know even in your weakest moment then, you weren’t listening to that strong heart of yours. You’ve got a power house of love in there, and I know it has space for more people than just Aden. I’m asking you to make room for me and Madi too”

Clarke laughed “I don’t deserve this, I don’t…”

 “Shhhh” Lexa pulled her into the crook of her neck and whispered near her ear.

“You deserve love and only love.” whispered Lexa

“There has always been room in my heart for you, Aden and Madi, always” she whispered.

Lexa felt a strong emotion run through her in the moment. Her whole body felt at ease in such close proximity to Clarke. Clarke’s scent filled her. Her breathing at her neck sent her body into another dimension.

Lexa grazed her fingers down Clarke’s hand in an attempt to offer comfort. But something made her want to offer more. She lightly grazed her lips against the outer shell of Clarke’s ear.

Clarke shivered in her arms. She felt her whisper “Lexa” into her neck and that only encouraged her further.

“Don’t move” Lexa said. “Just stay here.”

Clarke stayed silent. Unmoving, her breathing erratic now. Her personal space completely taken over by Lexa.

“I’ve missed you so much” Lexa whispered. And Clarke swore she felt a tear fall on her skin.

“I’ve missed you too” Clarke said, Lexa shivered.

And then what started as mere grazes of skin, turned into Lexa’s soft lips trailing tiny kisses along Clarke’s cheek…slow and articulated… Clarke’s breathing had quickened.

“Lex…” Clarke warned…

“Mommy, Clarke, I think Aden’s fallen aslee… woah!” came Madi's voice

Lexa jumped away from Clarke and Clarke turned back towards the sink.

“Madi!”

“Mommy? Were you and Clarke just…?”

“Madi, wait for me in the living room, I’ll be right there.” Lexa said without making direct eye contact.

Madi giggled. “Okay… I just came to tell you’ll that Aden’s dozed off on the couch.”

Clarke wiped her hands and without looking at any of them rushed out of the kitchen saying

“I’m going to carry him to bed…”

“We’ll be in the living room” Lexa called after her.

Madi stood there staring at her mom with an eyebrow raised, her hands crossed in front of her and a tapping foot.

“Come on, time to talk, smarty pants.” Lexa led her into the living room.


	53. Chapter 53

Chapter 53

“So you were kissing Clarke?” Madi asked when Clarke joined them in the living room.

Madi was sitting on the couch, while Clarke took a seat next to her, and Lexa sat on the center table before them.

Lexa was trying so hard to read her baby girls expressions. Was she upset by what she saw, was she neutral towards it? Was she okay with it? Did it seem normal? Well of course it wouldn’t have felt normal, right? Hell! It didn’t even feel normal to her. It felt…. All kinds of crazy. Especially after all these years, that level of intimacy, she didn’t even know how much she had wanted it. The feeling of Clarke’s cheeks against her lips, it was like…time travelling back to when they were learning each other.

“Yes, I was kissing Clarke’s cheek” Lexa admitted.

“So I was right” said Madi.

“Does this mean you’re in love? With Clarke?” she continued.

Lexa sneaked a glance towards Clarke and then back to Madi.

“Honey, it’s more complicated than that” Lexa hadn’t meant to upset Clarke, but it was the truth, and she tried to feel nothing when Clarke shifted uncomfortably in her seat at hearing her say that.

“Then why were you kissing her?” Madi asked. Madi quickly looked at Clarke then,

“Are you in love with Mommy?” she asked Clarke. Clarke opened her mouth to say something, but Lexa interrupted.

“Let me explain this…” Lexa said.

“Honey, I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to listen carefully before reacting okay…”

“okay…”Madi looked confused.

“Remember when we first met Clarke, and I told you we’re old friends from the time we were kids?”

“yea”

“All of us, Raven, Clarke and I studied in the same school, grew up together…”

“Well, I didn’t tell you the entire truth…” Lexa admitted.

“You lied to me, mommy?”

Lexa reached out to hold her hands in hers, and Clarke put a protective arm around the little girl.

“No, I didn’t lie to you baby, we really were the best of friends back then.”

“Then what didn’t you tell me?” Madi asked, utterly confused.

Lexa took a deep breath then. “Clarke was my girlfriend too.”

Madi looked at Clarke and then back at her mom. Clarke had a sheepish smile on her face.

“Clarke was my friend first. My best friend. And then we fell in love. We grew older together, we were there for each other through college years and even for a few years after that…”

“Then what happened?” Madi asked.

Clarke began “I did something wrong. Something that hurt your mommy a great deal. And she was right to end things with me.”

“What did you do?” Madi asked.

Clarke looked shameful. But she also looked determined to be truthful to this little angel and Lexa didn’t want Madi to know all the details just yet.

“It doesn’t matter. The fact is, it’s in the past now. And we’ve both been able to put it behind us… mostly.” Lexa said as she looked at Clarke, she nodded in acknowledgement.

“So now, you’re back together? Is Clarke your girlfriend again?”

“No! No Madi… Clarke’s not my girlfriend.” Lexa said immediately.

“I don’t understand…”Madi began.

“We’re not dating, if that’s what you need to know, baby.” Clarke said to Madi. But we are trying to be friends again.

“Friends don’t kiss each other like that.”

Lexa had to laugh.

“You’re right, they don’t. But your mommy means a lot to me, and hopefully, I think I still mean a lot to her too. We care about each other a lot. And we care about you and Aden even more… What you saw… was just your mommy’s way of showing me she cares… right Lexa?”

“Right” Lexa assured.

Madi seemed to be in her own thoughts then.

“Is that why there’s a picture of you in the locket mommy gave me?” Madi asked Clarke, while playing with the locket in her hand.

Clarke took it from her then, opened it gently and said “Your mommy gifted this to me a year after we started seeing each other. She said it could work as a promise, to symbolize her commitment to me, until she could get me a real ring that is.”

“A ring? To marry you?” Madi said. This moment was the first time they saw some kind of reaction in her. There was a sparkle in her eyes.

Clarke looked up at Lexa and saw her wiping a tear from the side of her eye.

“We were young. And in love. Anything was possible then…”

“If it was given to you, then why was it with mommy? She gave it to me and explained to me that it meant a lot to her that I kept it safe.”

“When I made that terrible mistake that tore us apart, I mishandled the locket. I didn’t deserve the love it stood for. When I knew Lexa had it back in her possession, I was glad it would stay sacred and safe.”

Madi was lost. But she realized that Clarke was looking at Lexa while explaining that last bit. So she let it go.

“I guess what we’re trying to tell you, baby, is that we’re working on our friendship again. Learning to trust each other again, one tiny step at a time.”

“Do you care for my mommy like you used to?” Madi quickly asked Clarke. It caught Clarke off-guard.

“Honey, I don’t think it’s nice to ask...” Lexa tried to intervene so that Clarke didn’t have to feel obliged to answer that right now.

“I do. I care for your mommy now, more than I ever have before.”

“And mommy, do you still love Clarke?”

Lexa was silent. Clarke knew Lexa wasn’t ready to answer this.

“Your mommy’s doing what’s best for her heart right now, honey. She can’t know yet, so early on in this if… if all that care for me can still mean she’s in love with me.”

It was a smart answer, Lexa had to admit. Clarke was being truthful, but careful. And also trying to not put her in an awkward spot before her daughter.

Madi stared down at the locket, traced the word ‘Always’ that was engraved on it, and then shifted, knelt on the couch right next to Clarke, and put the locket around her neck.

“This belongs to you” she said.

“No Madi… it’s yours…” Clarke tried to argue.

“I have mine.” she said proudly as she reached for the locket that Clarke had gifted her on the night she won at the school talent show.

“I knew I was holding on to this for someone. Now I know who that someone is.” Madi said. “And anyway, I had wanted to give this to you on your birthday.”

Clarke was moved. And speechless. The locket felt heavy resting on her chest. After all these years.

She looked at Lexa, needing to know if Lexa was fine with this, with her having this locket again.

“I don’t know, Lexa, maybe I shouldn’t have this yet” she said.

“It’s perfect. It’s yours. I want you to have it too.” Lexa said.

Madi looked between both of them and smiled proudly.

“Now, who’s going to make it up to me for keeping this secret from me?” Madi interrupted the love- gaze between the two women.

“Make it up to you?” Lexa said. “Well I guess it only seems fitting that I do it, since I was the one who kept this secret from you.”

“I shall accept all peace offerings in the form of strawberry ice cream cake only” said Madi with an air of confidence.

Clarke laughed

“Ice cream cake, huh?” Lexa asked as her hands found Madi’s sides and began tickling her endlessly. Clarke joined in on the tickle fight until they were all pretty much out of breath from laughing.

“Come on, it’s time for us to head home, you need sleep” Lexa said.

“You just want another chance to share cooties with Clarke again in a goodbye kiss”

Clarke laughed out loud.

“Madi!” Lexa scolded. I told you, we were not kissing.

“But you would have, if I had not interrupted”

“That’s not true” Lexa said at the same time Clarke said “Touché”

Madi giggled.

“You’re getting too smart for your age” Lexa teased running behind her to chase her.

“It’s late anyway, you guys can crash here tonight” Clarke said.

“Really? You don’t mind”

Clarke almost said ‘This is your home Lexa’ but caught herself before she could cause more questions from Madi.

“Of course not. Please, make yourselves at home. I haven’t shifted the extra bed out of Aden’s room anyway. And since she’s slept her before I don’t think she’ll have a problem getting sleep”

“I love sleeping here” Madi said quickly.

“Alright come on, head on upstairs, I’ll come tuck you in”

“Goodnight Clarke” Madi called out when she reached the top of the stairs.

“Goodnight, honey.”

 

 


	54. Chapter 54

Chapter 54

“That whole conversation was…”

“Relieving” Lexa completed for her. She nodded.

“I hope Aden will be as okay with the idea of us…being an ‘us’” Clarke said.

“When the time’s right, he’ll know too”

They were silent then, and a tiny bit awkward standing before each other now.

“Are you seriously okay with me being here? Tonight?”

Clarke looked amused. “Are you seriously asking me that question?” she said with laughter in her tone.

Lexa laughed too.

“I’ll make sure not to pass out in your bed this time.” Lexa said, remembering how she woke up in her old bed the last time she was here only to find she had given Clarke no option but to use the guest bedroom.

A statement about how that bed was theirs and not just hers was at the tip of Clarke’s tongue, but she saved it. Lexa knows anyway.

“You can sleep there tonight too, I’m fine with the guestroom”

“No Clarke…”

“I insist.”

Lexa shrugged, but smiled and said “okay”

“I want to talk to you about something” Lexa continued.

“Yea sure. I’m up for a while anyway”

“Great, do you have wine?”

Clarke laughed. “I’ll get the wine out”

“I’ll go tuck Madi in and be right with you.”

 

Lexa tucked Madi in and kissed her forehead

“Thank you, for being so smart, and so mature, and so caring. I’m so proud to call you mine, baby” Lexa spoke softly to her little one.

Madi giggled.

“Mommy, does this mean Clarke could become my mommy in the future.”

Lexa sighed. “It doesn’t mean anything, okay honey?”

Lexa didn’t want to confirm the affirmative or the negative to her yet. They had such a long way to go. No one could say when things could go horribly wrong and the last thing she wanted was for Madi and Aden to be hurt in this whole arrangement.

  
Madi didn’t look satisfied with the answer.

“I promise you, I won’t make any decisions regarding this relationship with Clarke, without first checking with you. I know how much it hurt you when I had to stay away from Costia for a while. And I never want you to feel that way ever again. Aden too. You two are so important to us right now.”

Madi nodded in understanding. Lexa kissed her once more and walked towards the door.

“I like Clarke, mommy.”

“I know you do”

“No, I mean for you, she makes you happy.”

Lexa was shocked.

“In the begging it was different. You didn’t seem to always like her around, but these days you’re happier when she’s around”

“Is it?” Lexa asked, still astounded that her daughter had been observing so much.

Madi giggled. “Goodnight Mommy. Don’t exchange too many cooties.” She teased

“I’ll make sure I don’t” Lexa said with laughter in her tone as she looked towards Aden to check he was sound asleep, switched the room lights off and blew Madi a kiss before closing her door.  

 

Lexa returned to the living room to find Clarke seated on the couch, with two glasses of wine poured out and placed on the table before them.

They took their glasses, clinked them softly and took a sip.

“Is everything okay? What did you want to talk about?” Clarke asked.

“Does it worry you that I’m not ready to move back in here yet?” The question was so ready on her tongue, Clarke wondered if Lexa had been rehearsing it.

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked, wanting to be sure where she was getting with this.

“I don’t want you to give up on the idea that I will come back home one day”

“I could never think that. I was never thinking that”

“Okay. Yea. No. I was just making sure.”

“I know why this space is important for us… I know why we said we’ll take things slow” Clarke reassured.

“Yea…” Lexa said, then laughed, thinking about their little moment they shared in the kitchen today.

“What?”

“I can’t stop thinking about that moment we were having and how Madi walked in on that.”

Clarke laughed too. “Yea when you think of it now, it is more funny than terrifying.”

“Were you going to kiss me?” Clarke asked then, carefully.

Lexa took a sip and looked into Clarke eyes and said “I don’t know…”

“Your lips were moving closer towards my lips…” Clarke said, not ready to make eye contact while recalling how Lexa’s lips were kissing across her cheek.

“Maybe I was… I don’t know…”

Clarke sighed and took another sip of her wine.

“Would you have been okay? With that?”

Now Clarke looked up at her. “With you kissing me on my lips? Yea, why not. You’ve done it a few times now since we’ve seen each other again”

Lexa laughed. “I have, I guess. But this was more… not rushed”

“Yea” Clarke agreed. To be honest she really wanted Lexa to kiss her then. To be honest she could do with Lexa’s lips right now.

“So what exactly is ‘slow’?” Clarke asked all of a sudden and Lexa laughed out loud. It was too funny to resist.

“I guess slow would mean making sure we move at a pace we’re both comfortable with.”

“Okay” Clarke thought for a moment, then reached her free hand out and said “are you comfortable holding my hand?”

Lexa stared down at her hand and smiled. She placed her hand in Clarke’s and said “I am”

Clarke traced lightly on the skin above her knuckles as she held Lexa’s hands.

“This is ridiculous” Lexa laughed and scooted closer to Clarke, to bury her head in the crook of Clarke’s neck. It took her by surprise.

“I’m comfortable with this. Are you?” she said softly.

There was silence. And Lexa realized, Clarke’s arm was tensed around her shoulder. Lexa quickly looked at her, worried if she’d done something wrong. “Are you?”

“I am” said Clarke, now letting her body ease into this position, letting her arm rest around Lexa.

Just to reassure Lexa, she placed a tiny kiss on her head, breathing in that perfect scent of her shampoo.

“You smell just the same” Clarke said softly.

“Only you can make a weird statement like that sound romantic.” Lexa teased.

Clarke laughed.

Suddenly Lexa’s phone began to ring, it was Anya, she picked up and put it on speaker

 “Hey An”

“Lexa, where are you? I came home well, no one’s here”

“I’m at Clarke’s. Madi’s asleep. We’ll come home tomorrow morning”

“Are you fucking Clarke again?” The happiness in her voice was not lost to them.

“Clarke laughed and Lexa sat up straight quickly putting the phone off speaker

 “Anya!”

Clarke could hear Anya say something like “What? It’s a yes or no question”

“Lexa got up then and took the call to the kitchen.

Clarke watched her walk away. She wondered to herself if Lexa keeps Anya updated about every single move they make. She suddenly remembered she hadn’t spoken to Raven in a while and they probably should catch up soon. Clarke looked towards the kitchen and wondered if when Lexa returned, would she assume the same position they were just in, Clarke secretly wanted her too, it seemed normal again, for that small moment.


	55. Chapter 55

Chapter 55

  
“Yea she took it well, quite maturely in fact.”

“That’s amazing”

“I do owe her a strawberry ice cream cake for keeping a secret”

Anya laughed. Well I’m sure Clarke would be happy to pick another one up.

“I can get it myself. I ordered the one on her birthday didn’t I”

Anya laughed again. “She still hasn’t told you about that, hasn’t she?”

“Told me what? What are you talking about?”

 

Clarke was too distracted to notice when Lexa came back into the room, but her voice was what she heard before she actually looked at her,

“Clarke! Why didn’t you tell me about Madi’s cake mishap?”

Clarke’s eyes widened. She was scared now. Looking up at Lexa now, she could see Lexa looked livid.

“I… uhh… okay… Lexa, let me explain”

Lexa crossed her arms in front of her, standing tall before Clarke seated on the couch.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I went to the store on time, I picked up the cake, kept it on the passenger seat. I was all set to come over and show you I had done exactly what you asked for. But I should have been smarter. Because I hit the brakes too hard when I spotted a lost kitten on the road and the cake fell forward and was completely ruined. And I was so afraid you’d be angry with me, and I really wanted to just prove to you that I can be trusted. I just really wanted to make the most of that small chance you gave me, I didn’t want to fuck it up.

So I went around town desperately looking for a strawberry ice cream cake. And it’s a made-to-order cake, so I knew my chances of finding one was pretty unreal. But I couldn’t not do something, this was important to me, I wanted you to be able to rely on me”

Lexa shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Clarke quickly continued

“I almost had a panic attack when no one had the cake, but as if by some miracle, the last store I went to, had a 2 kg strawberry ice cream cake made for a corporate party who had to cancel last minute. I took it. And I was late.  I drove crazier than I ever have to get to the party in time. And made Raven swear she wouldn’t tell you. I’m sorry.”

Clarke looked vulnerable, sitting there before Lexa, looking at her with eyes so worried, afraid this would mean 2 steps backward than forward in whatever they were trying to achieve between them.

“I’m really sorry. I should have just been honest with you then…” Clarke said again, when she realized Lexa wasn’t saying anything.

Clarke’s body froze. Lexa’s lips were on hers. Lexa’s hands pushing Clarke’s shoulders behind so that her back was resting against the backrest of the couch, Lexa climbed onto Clarke’s lap and her tongue was seeking entrance into Clarke’s mouth.

Their tongues met each other and teased and tasted, Lexa sucked on Clarke’s lips, kissing her passionately and with so much vigour. Wine, and a flavor that was so LEXA.

Clarke wasn’t breathing. When Lexa pulled away a little for a moment to check if Clarke was okay, Clarke took a deep breath. Her eyes still shut.

She then pinched her own skin on her hand and opened her eyes to find Lexa was still sitting on her lap, and grinning mischievously.

“So that really happened?” Clarke asked.

“Don’t believe it?” Lexa asked, Clarke shook her head.

Lexa leaned in once more and kissed Clarke, this time, Clarke kissed her back, having recovered from the shock. Clarke let her arms wind around Lexa’s waist, pulling her closer, Lexa gasped between kisses and Clarke giggled.

“Slow is officially a joke” Clarke teased.

Their kiss turned slower eventually and Lexa whispered into her lips “Thank you, for caring so much about the cake that day, and for making sure I could rely on you. I wish I’d known you’d gone through all that trouble then.”

“I’ll do anything for you, Lexa. Always” Clarke said and leaned back in to kiss Lexa but Lexa pulled behind.

“As much as I want to stay right here and continue kissing you, I’m afraid we’re breaking our own rules”

“What rules? I’m comfortable with this pace. And I think you’re pretty comfortable too” Clarke said with a grin.

“Sure.” Lexa laughed. She got off Clarke, and resumed her previous position, snuggling into Clarke’s side”

“Soon, okay?” she said to Clarke.

“Soon” Clarke said with a smile.

“Pass me my wine” Lexa ordered.

  
Clarke’s eyes shot open and it took her a moment to realize she was still on the couch in the living room. She had fallen asleep here. In that very second she could feel a soft breath against her neck. Lexa. Clarke smiled to herself. The wine and the soft conversation had lulled them both to sleep. Clarke saw the time on her phone. 3.30 am.

She carefully untangled herself from Lexa and quickly thought to carry her upstairs to her room.

“Hmmm, where are you taking me?” Lexa spoke into Clarke’s neck, half asleep.

“Home” Clarke said mindlessly as she brought Lexa into her bedroom.

“Okay” Lexa said. Clarke laid her down and kissed her forehead. Made sure she’d fallen back asleep and then left to resume her sleep in the guest bedroom.

 

2 months later

“How was your day?” Lexa asked lazily as she sat back in her bed, phone to her ear, ready to retire for the day. These calls with Clarke at the end of the day had become a necessity for her. She found she slept a lot calmer after talking to Clarke. Even if it was just updating each other about the day’s events, what the kids had been up to, what work was like etc.

She had always loved the sound of Clarke’s voice right before falling asleep.

“Nothing special. Wish I could see you today” Clarke said.

Clarke was out of town. She had received an opportunity to set up an exhibit and sell some of her work in a few other cities. She was hesitant about it initially, but Lexa, Raven, Anya and her mom all told her it was a great opportunity to take her work to more audiences.

So Aden was Lexa’s responsibility for 4 days now and he was doing well, better than they expected given that this was the first time he was away from him mom for so long.

Lexa had made sure to give him all the love and cuddles she could to never let him feel alone. And Madi was always great company for him. There was literally no scope for him to get bored.

“2 more days. And I’m all yours” Lexa said sweetly.

“Don’t set my expectations high” Lexa knew exactly what Clarke meant, even though she was only joking. It had been 2 months of them cuddling into the evenings, soft kisses now and then, but stopping themselves before it could go any further.

One night Clarke’s hand has teased under the hem of Lexa’s shirt and Lexa’s body erupted with goosebumps. Lexa got nervous and told Clarke, she wanted it to be more special when they finally decided to go a few more steps ahead. And Clarke agreed. So they settled back into kisses and nuzzling and simply enjoying being wrapped up in each other.

“Listen, Clarke… I was thinking…” Lexa spoke into the call.

“Hmmm”

“Maybe… we’re ready to take this ahead”

Clarke was silent.

“You there?” Lexa asked.

“Yes yes, I’m still here.” Clarke replied.

“Well? What do you think?”

“Yea I think so too.” Clarke said carefully.

“So when you’re back… maybe we can…”

“Yea…let’s… Yes.” Clarke sounded nervous.

Lexa laughed. “We’ve done this before Clarke, I don’t know why you sound so nervous.”

Clarke laughed too “Well, loving you was never rocket science to me… I just want to be sure we’re on the same page is all.”

“I think we are.”

“Okay then… 2 days.”

“2 days.”

They shared a comfortable silence then, both of them smiling to themselves, excited.

“I miss you” Clarke said

“I miss you too” Lexa said.

“God I think the last time I was this sappy must have been high school.” said Clarke.

“Please! You were sappy even through college and our 2 years living together”

“I was not!” Clarke denied.

“I have texts to prove it” said Lexa.

Clarke was stunned. “You kept my texts?!”

“Dammit I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud.” Lexa said. “But yea, I kept a few conversations”

“I assumed you wiped your life clean of me when you left.” Clarke said, a little softer now.

Lexa exhaled slowly. “I couldn’t let all of you go”

They were silent.

“Anyway, it’s late. You’ve got an exhibit to set up early tomorrow morning and I’ve got two kids to prep for school”

“Goodnight Lexa, I love you”

“Goodnight Clarke… can’t wait until you’re back”

“Bye” Clarke said and hung up.

 


	56. Chapter 56

Chapter 56

Lexa stared at her phone screen. Clarke had first said it to her one evening last month between kisses. “I love you Lexa. And I understand if you’re not ready to say it yet if you’re not completely there yet, but I don’t want to hold back the truth anymore. I love you and I need you to hear it and know it.”

Lexa loved hearing the words, she loved the way they rolled of Clarke’s tongue. She’s used to it. She’s known the way Clarke says it since the time they were young. It feels familiar and new all at once. Because now they’re much older, they’ve worked for this love. They’ve fought the odds. They’ve matured as parents. And here they were, getting closer and closer to a life together. And Clarke was sure of her undying love for her. Somewhere deep down, Lexa knew she felt the same, she reciprocated the feeling completely. Then why was she still so hesitant to say it out loud.

She wondered if every time she never said it back, if it hurt Clarke, if Clarke was ever overthinking it, if Clarke was beginning to feel she’d never come around to saying it.

She wondered if she could tell Clarke when she was back, if maybe on their special night, it might come naturally to her, to admit to Clarke that yes, she was on the same page as her, yes she loved her too, still after everything.

 

It was noon, the next day. And Lexa received a text from Clarke.

“Hey, did Aden throw a tantrum to go to school today?”

“Hi Clarke, no no, he was a total sweetheart”

“Great.”

“How’s the exhibit going?”

“It’s great. Sold quite a few already. Met some interesting people too.”

“Yea? Like who?”

There was a gap of a few minutes before a text from Clarke came in.

“Lex, would you happen to know someone named Val? Valentina I thinks she said her name was. Said to mention her name to you and you’ll definitely remember her.”

Lexa’s body went cold.

“Yea yea I know her.” She replied to Clarke.

“She said she knows you a little too well. I can’t help but wonder Lex, is she one of the few women you said you’d been with when we were apart.” came Clarke’s reply.

“Yes. She is. Clarke, we’ll talk about this. Okay? Don’t let it bother you please” Lexa replied quickly.

“No no. I’m fine. Not bothered. Just thought I’d let you know. She saw one of my paintings of you and came over to ask me if that was Lexa Woods. And I said yes it is. She bought the painting and told me to send you her regards too.”

“Okay... I’ll tell you about her… when you’re back”

“I’m not sure I want to know… but yea, we’ll talk. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

 

Lexa hated this. She knew Clarke would never hold it against her, for seeing other women while they were apart during those 4 years. But she hated what Clarke must feel like every time she was reminded of it. Every time she was reminded that Lexa had been with Costia, Lexa saw how Clarke would make a conscious effort to keep a smile on her face, to be okay with them being friends now.

Lexa wondered if meeting a woman named Valentina who claims to know Lexa in more ways than one would have made Clarke feel uncomfortable again. Lexa felt she needed to talk to Clarke and just tell her truthfully about the women she’d been seeing then, in the first few years away. And make her understand that she never cared for them with the same intensity she cared for Clarke.

Now more than ever, Lexa wanted Clarke to come home so that she could hug her, and kiss her insecurities away. She also knew Clarke would put on this air of confidence, a mask of being unaffected just because she knows she’s the one who cheated, she’s the one who first caused Lexa pain. She always reasoned it out as, she had no right to feel hurt that Lexa was intimate with others, albeit while they were broken up. But the truth was, of course it must still hurt her to think of Lexa being touched by another woman.

  
When Clarke reached Lexa’s door, with her suitcase in hand, it was already 11pm. Her flight had gotten delayed, and she asked that Aden sleep over for one more night. That she’d come over to Lexa’s place for the night instead of asking them to come over to their home.

She had texted Lexa that she was outside, knowing she was waiting up for her, and not wanting to knock the door, fearing it might disturb the silence at home.

The door swung open and a smiling Lexa took a step forward and greeted Clarke with a kiss, a deep, so full of love, life-reassuring kiss.

“It’s good to see you back” Lexa said, her wide smile so full of adoration.

“Feels good to kiss you again” Clarke said boldly, not able to get her eyes off Lexa’s green eyes.

Lexa took her hand and led her in, Clarke pulled her suitcase in behind her, and left them by the door.

Once they were inside, Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa and kissed her some more. The two seemed inseparable. Clarke’s heart filled with joy with how much happiness her life was suddenly filled with ever since Lexa let her back in. Her body tingled with the need to want to love her all the time, to want to shower her with kisses, to want to hold her and cuddle her and just always be touching her.

And it seemed that Lexa was just as addicted to it as she was. Lexa didn’t know what to do with her hands. One moment they were on Clarke’s shoulders, next her hips, then her waist, her back, her neck, her hair. Lexa wanted to be everywhere all at once.

“When you said you missed me, I didn’t know how much. But by the way you’re hands are all over me, I don’t think I need any more clarity.”

Lexa giggled into Clarke’s lips.  

“I want tonight to be special” Lexa said.

“Wow. No pressure there” Clarke deadpanned.

Lexa laughed out loud, then gasped and covered her mouth. “I shouldn’t be so loud. The kids will wake up.” Lexa said, reaching for Clarke’s hands to hold them in hers.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t mind it at all right now. I’ve missed our little angels” Clarke said as she stared towards their room upstairs.

Lexa’s heart warmed. She loved when Clarke said things like that. ‘Our little angels’, like she had already decided that Aden and Madi were a pair. Real siblings. ‘Their’ children.

“I’m going to go see them, and then freshen up. Have you had dinner?”

“Oh, no”

“What? Lexa!” Clarke whined. “I told you not to wait for me, it’s gotten so late now”

“I wasn’t hungry” Lexa said with a pout.

“Are you hungry now?”

“Not really. But what about you?”

“I’m not hungry at all. I had like… 2 hours to kill at the airport and I ate enough for a family”

“So you made up for my share then.”

Clarke wanted to argue, or tease or say something. But it hit her that Lexa made a quip at the fact that she said she ate enough for a family. Lexa suggested she’s family.

Clarke stood there grinning like an idiot.

“If you don’t move to the shower now, I’ll probably undress you right here and get down to business” Lexa said softly into her ears, letting her lips brush lightly against her earlobe.

“Someone’s eager” Clarke teased too, lightly nuzzling her nose against Lexa’s cheek. She felt Lexa’s sharp intake of breath. She brought her face before Lexa’s then, her lips so close to her lips, almost touching, almost there. Lexa decided to just close the space between them, but when she did, Clarke was gone. She opened her eyes to find Clarke walking backwards up the stairs.

“I’ll be back” Clarke said with a wink. And ran upstairs.

Lexa turned around after she was gone, and couldn’t help touching her lips. They were tingling. Her whole body felt alive. Her whole body was tingling in fact. She wanted Clarke. She wanted her so bad tonight. And there was nothing stopping her from getting what she wants.

Tonight she’d tell Clarke how much she loves her, how much she means to her, and she’ll tell her she wants to move back in with her. She wants the 4 of them to be home. Their real home. The one Clarke and she had created all those years ago. She wanted Madi to grow up there, under her and Clarke’s care together. She wanted to spend more time with Aden, be the other mom he’s always wanted in his life. He’s never had anyone other than Raven before Lexa came along. Clarke never let anyone into his life like that. And Lexa was partly grateful for it.

That brought Lexa out of her happy feels. Clarke hadn’t been with anyone. While she had slept with 3 women in her first few years when they were apart. That reminded her. She needed to talk to Clarke tonight. Maybe they could have that talk before they made love. Maybe it would be healthier to clear any negative feelings before they bare their souls to each other again like that.

Lexa’s warm fuzzy feeling was suddenly gone. She sat on the living room couch and waited.

 

When Clarke came downstairs, showered and dressed in a pair of Lexa’s yoga pants and one of her huge t-shirts, she felt fresh and rejuvenated. The lethargy from a long tiring day completely washed away now, and the anticipation to make love to Lexa growing strong inside her.

She joined Lexa on the couch with a “hey there”

Lexa was startled and brought out of her long train of thought. But she leaned in and gave Clarke a sweet kiss on her cheek and said “wait right here, I’ll get us some wine”

Lexa got up, and returned in a few minutes with 2 glasses and a bottle of wine. Once they were both settled in and comfy, Clarke’s arm around Lexa, Lexa breathing in the scent of Clarke at her neck, they just sat there in silence, allowing themselves to savor the wine the moment, and the proximity.

“I thought we could talk… before…”Lexa spoke, nervousness making it into her voice.

Clarke looked confused. “Talk? About what?”

Lexa carefully slid out of Clarke’s hold then and sat up straighter, turning a bit to face Clarke. Clarke looked confused. Lexa reached out to caress her face and it immediately calmed her features. Like Lexa’s touch was magic.

“Is everything okay? Clarke asked her, while reaching out to hold her hand.

“Yes, of course, everything’s fine” Lexa said wanting Clarke to not worry so much. “I just thought… since you ran into Valentina… that I should explain…”

Clarke kept her glass down and spoke to stop her “oh, no no no, Lex, that’s not necessary. Really. I’ve told you…”

“I know Clarke, you told me you wouldn’t hold it against me, that I don’t need to apologize that I sought comfort like that then… This is not me apologizing for it. But acknowledging that yes, it happened. You’re hearing it from me and not finding out as you go. I feel like I should still tell you, because I know it must hurt anyway.”

“I deserve it, the pain that comes with knowing someone else made love to you, I do. I caused you much more pain than any of this.”

“Pain can’t be measured by who made the bigger mistake Clarke…please you don’t have to say anything. Just listen to me, that’s all I’m asking…”

Clarke was looking into her eyes now, and really, she would hate to not give Lexa what she wants right now. And if Lexa feels she needs to talk about this, then Clarke told herself, she would put on the brave face and listen.

Clarke nodded. And it was enough for Lexa to know she could say what she needed to.

 

 


	57. Chapter 57

Chapter 57

“It started one night when Anya and I were at a club, drinking into the night. And this woman approached me, said she thought I was really cute. And she kept touching my shoulder, my hair. AT first I was annoyed. But then we got talking and she was such a good listener.”

“What were you telling her…?” Clarke asked. Knowing what the answer could be but wanting to hear Lexa say it anyway.

“About you, I talked about you and what you did to me. It was all pretty fresh then. Maybe a few months after I had left here.” Lexa said. Clarke nodded. Reaching for her glass to take a sip.

“Then the bar was going to shut, and she told me she really liked my company and she wanted to hear more about me and my life and that we should go back to her place… I went. Anya didn’t want me to go, but I told her off and went anyway. I wanted a night of forgetting. And I’m not naive, I knew what this girl was going for. Somewhere deep down, I felt like I would be setting things right in the universe if I went ahead with whatever she was offering.”

“So you had sex with her?” Clarke asked, averting her eyes as she asked, not wanting Lexa to see the tears beginning to form in her eyes. She couldn’t make this about her. Lexa was hurting. She had hurt Lexa.

“I did. And it all felt good in that moment. But the minute it was over I felt like shit. I apologized and left. Came home, took a shower and hated that I had not even asked her her name. Or if I did, I couldn’t remember it.”

“Wait, so this is not Valentina?”

“No, this was before Valentina”

“Okay”

“4 months later I was at a book store, and I bumped into this woman carrying too many books at once. She was an art teacher at a kindergarten. We started talking and exchanged numbers. And I was at a point in my life where I wanted to be open to the idea of seeing people. So when she asked me out. I said yes. We went out on a few dates and then we started sleeping together.

That’s when she picked up on the nightmares I used to have. I had to tell her about you eventually. I didn’t take names but I had to explain to her why I was crying in my sleep, and why I almost screamed your name once when I came at the mercy of her fingers…”

“Lexa…” Clarke’s voice stopped Lexa in her rant. It sounded choked, a strangled cry. Lexa looked up from her hands to find Clarke’s face contorted as tears flowed down her cheeks.

Lexa acted on impulse, she wound her arms around Clarke and held her tight… “Shhhh, I’ll stop. I’ll stop. We don’t need to do this. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking…”

“No…”Clarke tried to talk through the sobs threatening to choke her. “I need to hear this now. I need this. I need to know what I caused. And if it has to hurt me, I want to get it over with now…”

“No. I just realized how selfish of me this is. I didn’t think about whether you wanted to hear all of this. Or whether you’re ready to hear all of this…” Lexa kissed over Clarke’s head multiple times, needing her racing heart and quick-paced breathing to come to normal.

Once Clarke was calmer, Lexa leaned in to kiss her lips, to assure her that none of it matters now. Now, they were here.

But Clarke slowly pulled away and said “I want you to finish telling me all of it now, Lexa”

Lexa looked at her, so unsure, so worried. But understanding her need to hear it all too.

“I ended it with her after 3 months. It wasn’t fair to her. I was broken. And she was taking care of me. And it felt wrong.”

“Did you love her?” Clarke asked.

“I had begun to care for her, yes. I could say I loved her…” Lexa looked so unsure of how she was supposed to phrase this. She quickly said “but it remains Clarke, I’ve never loved anyone with the kind of intensity I’ve loved you. You were my everything.”

Clarke nodded. Lexa suddenly caught onto her own usage of the past tense.

“Are. Are my everything. You still are everything to me” Lexa said with more confidence, trying to look Clarke in the eyes and make the statement reach her soul, imprint itself there.

“It’s okay you know… if you fell in love with her, you can tell me. You should tell me.”

“I loved her. But she wasn’t you”

“Okay” Clarke said.

“That’s it. That’s Valentina’s story.”

“And Costia?” Clarke asked.

“Costia came into my life much later. Madi had become an important part of my life then. And Costia was a caring friend… who made a huge impression on Madi, Anya and me. She used to spend so much time at home with us after we’d found a groove in our friendship. Then after that night that she kissed me, things had to change. I didn’t want to lead her on further. But in the time I needed away from her, Madi missed her a little too much.

And I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do that ever again. Clearly, moving on from you was something that wasn’t working out in my life. So I needed to first deal with the anger inside of me, with the pain. I needed to fix myself up before carrying all my problems into every potential friendship.”

Clarke nodded.

“So I worked out my pain first and then reunited with Costia one day. We stayed friends ever since.”

“I’m sorry…”

“That none of them worked out? You’re kidding me right” Lexa tried to make light of the conversation.

Clarke chuckled, albeit through tears still in her eyes. “I meant, for it all”

“It’s all behind us now… now we have…”Lexa took Clarke’s hands in hers and gently stroked her skin.

“A clean slate… or should I say a new canvas” Lexa smiled and a sparkle reached her eyes. It was contagious. Clarke smiled too. Lexa reached up, and lightly wiped her cheeks of any remnants of tears on Clarke’s cheeks. Leaning in to kiss under her eyes, then over her eye lids, and eventually her lips landed on Clarke’s.

Clarke took a deep breath in, and Lexa took that as invitation to speed things up a bit. She crawled onto Clarke’s lap now, so that she could straddle her hips. She tried to keep the pace of the kiss gentle, really savoring the taste of Clarke’s lips, really focusing on everything her body was feeling right now, in the moment, focus on the way her heart beat was picking up again with the way Clarke was holding her waist so very gently, like Lexa could break.

“Have I told you I missed you?” Lexa said between kisses.

Clarke’s lips moved away and landed on her neck, softly sucking at the apex of her neck and shoulder, knowing it rendered Lexa a puddle when she did that. A soft moan escaped Lexa’s lips and Clarke spoke into her skin “You did… multiple times”

Clarke’s breath over her skin started a trail of goosebumps all over.

“I want to make love to you tonight, Clarke…” Lexa finally spoke, holding Clarke’s face in her hands so that she had her full attention. “All of you…”

Clarke smiled softly, “Lexa, are you sure we’re ready for this…”

“Yes” Lexa said confidently. Then leaned in close to her ear and whispered in her most sultry bedroom voice, a voice Clarke could pin point to a particular night they once shared on a holiday in the Hamptons “I want you. I just want you”

It was enough to Get Clarke all hot and bothered. She couldn’t take all the teasing anymore, she wanted to explore all of Lexa’s body, she wanted to worship every inch of her skin, and she’d been wanting to do it for a long while now. But she’d been waiting for them to be on the same page about it all. That moment was finally here and she was dumbfounded.

Shocked at the beauty of it all. That Lexa was here, telling her she wanted to go that next step with Clarke. It was like they were back to the old days, when Clarke tip-toed around the idea of sex, and Lexa just initiated it one day and they had been inseparable since then. Yet this felt more nerve racking than then.

Then, she didn’t have her inner demons to deal with, she did have her life’s biggest mistakes as a context. Then, her love for Lexa was un-adulterated, pure, with no scope of stains and wrong moves.

Tonight was a whole other story. They’d fought the odds and they were here. Clarke hadn’t even realized when she started nodding with a smile, and Lexa got off of her, finished her wine and reached for Clarke’s hand to pull her off the couch and on to her feet. Lexa led her forward, when Clarke decided she had another way of doing this in mind. She stopped Lexa, then surprised her when her feet were no longer on the ground. Clarke had reached behind her knees, and behind her back, and carried her in her arms.

Lexa chuckled. “Your body’s going to hurt tomorrow”

“I hope so” Clarke teased. Lexa threw her head back in laughter as Clarke carried her upstairs.

“I have put on a few kilos since college you know?” Lexa said as they were nearing the door to her bedroom.

“Really? Doesn’t show”

“You’re just complimenting me because we’re going to have sex”

Clarke laughed, gently put Lexa down on her bed, crawled atop her and said in her lowest voice.

“When you say it out loud like that… it does things to me”

Lexa’s eyes darkened, she pulled Clarke’s face to hers, kissing deeply, opening her knees a bit to Let Clarkes body rest between her legs.

Clarke’s lips made their way to her neck again. A shiver ran through Lexa’s body when she felt Clarke’s hand reach the hem of her t-shirt and tug upwards. She had to break her kiss on her collar bone to take the t-shirt off completely, but Clarke made it all seem so effortless, so choreographed, and so seamless. Clarke’s brand of loving was unique, so very special Lexa remembered. No one touched, or kissed, or loved the way she did. There was just a different identity to the feelings she left you feeling when she was lost in loving you. She would pay close attention to your body, read every sign that would tell what you like, what you don’t, she’s mastered the art of changing her moves to fit Lexa’s needs at every step of the way…

Lexa’s hand caressed Clarkes hair as Clarke contented her journey down Lexa’s collarbone, lower right above her breasts…

“Can I take this off too?” Clarke asked, when her lips came in touch with the lace of Lexa’s bra.

“You didn’t ask when you took my t-shirt off” Clarke chuckled, she had no answer. She didn’t know what made her ask. But it felt right. They hadn’t been intimate with each other in such a long while. And she needed direction from Lexa on what she was comfortable with for now. She wanted to relearn Lexa’s preferences. Had they changed over the years, did Lexa have new places on her body she liked to have more attention at, did she still love all the old ways Clarke used to make love to her, Clarke had all these questions, all these things she wanted to re-learn about her one and only love, Lexa.

“My bad…” Clare said in reply.

“Don’t be stupid, Clarke. This is not your first time here…”

“It can might as well be…” Clarke began to say when Lexa hoisted her upper body higher up, reached behind her back and undid the hook of her bra, she slowly took it off and Clarke kept her eyes glued to Lexa’s eyes the entire time, wanting to see if there was any hesitation there, if by any chance Lexa was not ready but was just showing that she was, but all Clarke saw was a nervous lip bite, and a sparkle in her eyes, just like before…

“You can look, you know” Lexa said softly.

“God! You’re beautiful!” Clarke said, her eyes still focused solely on Lexa’s darkened green orbs.

 

 

 

 

 


	58. Chapter 58

Chapter 58

Lexa chuckled, she then took one of Clarke’s hands and placed them on one of her breasts. “Touch me… like you used to…”

That’s when Clarke finally let her eyes wander lower, looking down at Lexa’s flawless skin, Lexa’s perfect body, Lexa’s beautiful beautiful breasts. Clarke smiled, as she began to massage the soft mound in her hand.

“Lexa eyes closed against her will. Her head fell back, her elbows finding it hard to hold her up.

“Like this…?”Clarke asked softly as she squeezed and pinched, rolled and massaged.

“Yesss…” Lexa said as she allowed herself to fell that old familiar feeling, she was so overwhelmed with it, that her body was shocked when Clarke’s warm mouth found her other nipple and began to tease it, hardening it further.

“Clarke” she fell back on the bed, and Clarke took more control, sucking lightly on one breast while massaging the other…

“Oh… Clarke…” Lexa was overcome with the shivers running through her body. She’s missed this. She’d miss Clarke’s style of loving. The perfect mix of slow, and then quick, then slow again.

Clarkes lips started moving lower, the underside of her breast, then down the center of her waist, she teased around her belly button until Lexa put both her hands in her hair to make her stop. Clarke looked up

“Are you okay”

“I’m… great…”Lexa chuckled and Clarke kissed atop her belly, placing small wet kisses lower now until her lips had reached juts before the waist of her pants.

“Wait” Lexa said. And Clarke looked up, half wondering if Lexa was uncomfortable, half wondering if she was just too overwhelmed.

“Lexa sat up a bit again and said “Take your top off.”

“I get that you’re eager to see me, Lex, but how about I finish what I started first”

“No, I want to see you, I want to kiss you too…” Lexa said, Clarke would never say no to this Lexa. The Lexa who had an agenda, who knew she wanted to do things in a certain way. In a certain order. This Lexa was the systematic Lexa. Who had always wanted to balance out their activities in the bedroom? So Clarke got on her knees again, and took her top off. Lexa stared at the black lace covering Clarke’s most precious assets. Clarke had worn high waist pants, and so most of her belly was covered. Lexa couldn’t wait to get it off her.

“Like what you see?” Clarke asked.

“I haven’t seen enough yet, c’mere” Lexa teased as she reached out, signaling that Clarke come closer to her. Clarke leaned in to let Lexa kiss her lips, Lexa’s hands quickly found the hook of her lingerie behind her, unclasped it and eased it off Clarke, without letting their kiss be interrupted.

“hmmm” Clarke moaned into Lexa’s mouth when she felt her warm hand find her.

Clarke’s breasts has turned extra sensitive ever since she’d given birth. So when Lexa touched her, she had to pull her lips away from Lexa’s for a sharp intake of breath. It felt new. An old touch she was familiar with, caressing skin that had been through motherhood now.

She didn’t know if it had dawned on Lexa yet, how much Clarke’s body had changed after Aden.

“Slow… please” Clarke said breathlessly… and Lexa obeyed, gently squeezing and caressing Clarke’s breasts.

Lexa turned them over then, with a quick move. She let one knee slip between Clarke’s legs

The dim light from her bed side lamp, now properly illuminating Clarke’s body for her. Lexa felt Clarke move her leg, enough to cause a little pressure on her center.

Her eyes rolled back in her head. She wasn’t supposed to feel this much, this soon, this far off into their night, blood rushed through her veins at the speed of lightning.  

“Clarke…”she scolded, and when she looked down at Clarke, something shiny that rested by Clarke’s neck, on her pillow caught her eye- their locket.

It was supposed to make Lexa feel good. It was supposed to remind her of all the times she and Clarke had made love with it sitting between their chests. The cold of the metal, a contrast to the heat of their skin.

It was supposed to bring back good memories. But it did quite the opposite.

All she could picture now, is Clarke like this, hungry to love and be loved, but under a man, under Bellamy, all she could see was what Clarke would look like writhing in pleasure under a man’s body. She was seeing red now. Her blood still rushing quickly through her veins, but for all the wrong reasons. This night was supposed to be special for them. But she could feel it in her body it just got over.

 

Lexa’s face changed. Clarke saw it the exact moment her eyes fixed on the locket.

“Lex… baby are you alright?” Lexa was frozen in place. Her eyes had lost their spark, her demeanor looked uncomfortable. Clarke reached out to caress her face “Lex? What’s wrong?”

“Don’t touch me!” she snapped as she got off Clarke’s body and sat at the other end of the bed, her head in her hands. Her entire body shaking with sobs.

Clarke sat up, shocked, and embarrassed, she quickly reached for her t-shirt that had fallen beside the bed and quickly put it on. 

“Baby, what happened? Did I do something wrong?” Clarke asked as she kneeled her way a little closer to Lexa’s bare back, hyper aware that Lexa suddenly did not want to be touched.

Lexa was silent

“Babe…?”

“Don’t. Don’t call me that. I can’t look at you right now, Clarke…” was the words that fell off her lips. She took a few deep breaths, like she was trying to steady the pace at which she had been breathing “Could you please pass me my t-shirt?” Lexa said, still not willing to look in Clarke’s direction. 

Clarke was stunned. And hurt. And angry with herself and with Lexa. She was feeling all too much and all at once. But she tried to put all of those feelings away and focus on what Lexa needs right now.

“Lexa… what can I do to help?” Clarke sounded desperate as she handed Lexa her t-shirt. She was sitting on her legs folded under her, close behind Lexa. But knowing Lexa did not want to be touched right now. She was desperate to help Lexa through this. Whatever this was. Because one moment, Lexa wanted her so bad. Wanted every part of her. Now she wouldn’t look at her. And Clarke was honestly too confused at the moment.

“Please, just give me a minute.” Lexa pleaded.

 

Lexa felt a dip in the mattress behind her. Clarke was moving off the bed. She then saw the lights in the bathroom go on. And heard the bathroom door shut. Lexa looked behind her to find Clarke had gotten up and rushed into the bathroom.

Tears flooded down her cheeks when her breathing had finally come back to normal, and she realized what she had just done.

Clarke had simply been giving in to HER wishes of wanting to make love tonight. Clarke had been unsure of whether they were ready. Clarke has asked her about a million time if she was sure she wanted to do this. And each time, Lexa had assured her it’s all she wanted right now. To love and be loved by Clarke.

She asked for it. And she ruined it. Lexa let her head drop to her pillow. She curled her body tight and cried. She was over it. She really was over it. Then why did it come back. Why did the anger come back like that? Why now? When Clarke was baring her soul to her. When she was letting Clarke in again. Why now. Lexa cried as she thought about how badly she had just hurt Clarke. She cried as she thought about her reaction when Clarke tried to help. She cried as she thought about how Clarke had sought solace in the shower right now.

Had she just ruined everything they had tried to put together in the last 2-3 months?

 

Lexa’s eyes popped open at exactly 2.30 am. She quickly looked behind her to find the other side of her bed empty. She sat up. That’s when she realized, her blanket has been laid atop of her. Clarke.

The tears came back now. She realized Clarke was no longer here. Had she left? When she came out of the shower and found Lexa sound asleep? ‘How could you just fall asleep Lex, after hurting Clarke, embarrassing her when it was all really your idea for the two of you to get into this zone of pure vulnerability?’ Lexa’s conscious spoke angrily to her.

Lexa got out of bed quickly. Stood up and checked the bathroom once more, just to be sure.

The clothes Clarke had worn when she came over here from the airport were still here. That must mean Clarke’s still around, right? Lexa ran towards her bedroom door and into the kid’s room.

She wasn’t there. The kids were still fast asleep.

She rushed towards the staircase and made her way downstairs. She didn’t realize the breath she was holding until she let out in relief at the sight of Clarke fast asleep on the living room couch.

Lexa quickly made her way towards her and sat down on the floor, such that she was staring directly at Clarke’s face.

She looked peaceful. She looked ethereal as she took slow, deep breaths in her sleep. Lexa reached out and put a stray bunch of her soft blonde hair behind her ear.

She remained still. It almost worried Lexa for a moment, but the soft rise and fall of her chest was enough to tell Lexa, Clarke was sleeping, and sleeping well.

Lexa hated that Clarke felt she needed to move so far away from her after what happened. That she came out from the bathroom, thought to cover her sleeping form so that she wouldn’t get cold, and walked all these steps away from her to get some rest. Lexa’s laid her head down on the space near Clarke’s face and stared at her.

‘I fucked up.’ she thought as she let her mind think about how she made Clarke feel in that moment. She legitimately shunned her out. Made her feel helpless. Made her feel like something was wrong with the way they were making love, snapped at her when she touched her.

Lexa stayed there, with the hope that when Clarke does wake up, she could apologize and tell her that she handled this the wrong way. That they should definitely try this once more. She let her brain take over instead of going with what her heart already knows. She could have handled that better than she did. She was sorry. And there was nothing wrong with the way Clarke was loving her.’

Lexa rehearsed the lines in her head until it put her out, her head finding comfort on the seat near Clarke’s face, her mind tricked by the sound of Clarke’s breathing, lulling her into sleep.


	59. Chapter 59

Chapter 59

When Lexa awoke again, it was to the sound of startled gasp. Clarke. Clarke had been startled awake by a dream. And her eyes were wide open, she had sat up in her fear.

“Clarke” Lexa said “are you okay?”

Clarke looked back, to find Lexa on the floor, right near where her head was on the sofa.

“Lex… what are you doing here? Why aren’t you sleeping in your room?”

“I came looking for you” Lexa said.

“Come here” Clarke said as she threw her feet off the couch to sit straight, and make place for Lexa to sit beside her.

Lexa got off the floor and sat by Clarke.

“Clarke, I’m so…”

“No, wait. First. What caused you to turn away?”

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked.

“Your eyes, they went from loving and kind to angry, disgusted, far away, and then you flew off me and wouldn’t let me touch you…what changed?”

“Nothing, oh Clarke...”

“Was it my body? Lex, my body changed after having Aden… I started working out but the marks are always going to….”

“NO! NO! Clarke, no… you’re beautiful, fuck. You’re so beautiful!” Lexa explained, tears, now a given, in both their eyes.

“Then what was it? Why did you suddenly look away? Why couldn’t you look at me? Why wouldn’t you let me touch you?”

“It came back. It all came back. The moment I saw the locket. Scenes I had made up in my head in the time I was away from you, about how you ended us, it all came back to me”

Clarke sat in silence. Lexa was sure Clarke would get up any moment now, walk upstairs, carry Aden in her arms and walk out the door. Every human had a limit to how much they could handle being blamed for their past. What if Clarke was done with all the pain from the past that Lexa kept reminding her off.

What if Clarke saw this as a sign that Lexa would never be over it. That she would always remind Lexa of a mistake that ruined them.

Lexa looked at Clarke and continued. “I didn’t want it to come back. I honestly thought all of it was behind me. 5 minutes after you went inside the bathroom, and I began hating myself for letting that anger take over me again. I had mastered the art of feeling indifferent towards it, of moving on from it. I had made my peace with it, yet it came back, at a moment that was supposed to be beautiful…”

Lexa expected Clarke to get up, walk away. What she didn’t expect was for Clarke to reach out, ever so carefully, and lightly touch Lexa’s hand. She was being too careful and Lexa knew it was her fault.

“I just want to hold your hand” Clarke said.

Lexa put her hand firmly in Clarke’s. And it opened the floodgates. Just the touch was warm enough, at home enough for Lexa to burst into tears. Clarke gently put her arm around Lexa and drew her in closer into her side.

“It’s okay… you weren’t ready” Clarke cooed into her hair.

“But I told you I was. I convinced you I was, and then that happened…” Lexa said between sobs.

“You didn’t expect for it to happen. You couldn’t have known” Clarke very gently kissed over her head. And began to slowly rub circles on Lexa’s arm.

“Come back upstairs, we could try again, we could go slower, maybe I was just nervous, maybe…”

“Shhhh… Lexa… we have our whole life ahead of us. There’s no hurry” Clarke assured her.

“But I…”

“The moment’s over, and it’s okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” Clarke re-assured her.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, wrapped up in each other’s arms.

“I royally fucked up our special night.” Lexa said after a long while. Clarke chuckled. But Lexa could hear it wasn’t whole hearted. It wasn’t filled with joy. There was sadness there. And she was responsible for it.

“Any moment spent with you, is special to me” Clarke said.

 “You deserved a special night today”

“I don’t deserve any of your love honestly, Lex. But I’m selfish and you’re stubborn. And we both want to make it to the end together. So yes, I’m in this. For the long run. I’m not going anywhere. I love you Lexa. I love you so much”

Lexa nuzzled her nose into the crook of Clarke’s neck. She had wanted tonight to be special so that at the end of their love-making, she could finally say those three words to Clarke, she knew she wanted to say them tonight. But that plan had been destroyed by none other than herself.

But here she was sitting with Clarke, in Clarke’s arms, after Clarke had felt hurt and utterly embarrassed after what seemed like rejection from the woman who asked her to be there in the first place. Clarke was choosing not to run away from the woman who treated her like shit. Clarke was choosing to fight for them and their relationship. Even when it seemed that she was causing the ruckus in Lexa’s brain.

The words came effortlessly to her tongue then, they flowed naturally out of her mouth as she rested on Clarke’s shoulder.

“I love you too Clarke, I do…”

Lexa felt Clarke’s body go stiff. She wanted to look up at her, wanted to look into her eyes to see the surprise there. But decided then and there that she has more to say.

“You’ve shown me time and again, how very in this you are. How badly you want to fix us, and fix our forever. And you’ve been doing all the hard work, all the tiny steps to overcome all our hurdles. I want to take one step for us…

Clarke, I want to move back in with you. If you’ll have us, that is.”

What Lexa didn’t expect here, was to feel Clarke’s body vibrate with giggles.

“What?” Lexa asked, confused, finally looking up at Clarke.

Clarke looked highly entertained.

“Nothing, it’s just that, I think you’re sleep talking or something”

“What? No. I’m seriously asking you.”

Clarke took a deep breath then and said “Lex, just because you hurt me, you don’t need to feel like you have to make it up to me by giving me what I’ve always wanted. That kind of thing led us to this today here.”

“So you’re saying no?” Lexa asked.

“NO! I’m not saying no”

“So it’s a yes!” Lexa said a little more excitedly.

Clarke exhaled heavily. “Lexa. What I’m saying is, ask me tomorrow, or day after or any moment that’s not this one and I’ll say yes.”

“You promise?” Lexa asked.

“I promise” Clarke said.

“Can I kiss you?” Clarke asked then.

“Yes. Yes please. And please don’t ask me the next time”

Clarke chuckled, and leaned in to pull her lover into a soft, sensuous, life-assuring kiss.

“It’s almost morning, should I make breakfast?” Clarke asked between kisses.

“No, allow me. I haven’t let you rest at all, you must be so tired from the flight and the wait at the airport…”

“Its fine, I had a power nap on your couch. I’m good making breakfast.” Clarke said.

“What if I want to spend some more time cuddling with you under my blanket?” Lexa asked, trying, unsure if it was too soon.

“I could do with a hot bath maybe…”

“Yea?” Lexa asked, kissing her neck now.

“It’s not sex, but it’s almost as intimate…” Clarke added, by way of explanation.

“I’m already sold… so save it” Lexa mumbled into her neck with a wide smile.

“Come on” she said as she took Clarke’s hand in hers and led her upstairs, both nervous and excited at the same time.

 

 


	60. Chapter 60

Chapter 60

Lexa turned on the hot water to fill up the tub and disappeared to find her candles. Clarke laughed. There were butterflies in her tummy. The last time she shared a bath with Lexa was so many years ago. But she still remembered the feeling of leaning back against her warm body some nights while Lexa hands roamed her skin, sometimes bare, sometimes with a bath loofa. Just the thought of it sent shivers down her spine. Other nights they would switch places, and she’d pamper Lexa with the most sensuous of touches and kisses, until Lexa was writhing in pleasure before her.

Clarke brought herself out of her reveries and decided to strip down. As she stared at her bare naked body in the mirror before her though, she focused on how much her body had changed after Aden. She was never one to hate her body, because it nurtured life and gave her Aden, but she wondered what Lexa reaction would be if she walked in right now and saw her, stretch marks and all. Even though Clarke had been working out, and toning her body back to normal, some marks were a part of her now and she was curious to know what Lexa’s reaction would be.

She turned the taps off, and touched the water to check the temperature. She stepped in, and sat back, slowly letting the water caress her skin, the warmth of the water, meeting the warmth of her skin, and somehow finding its middle ground. She lowered herself in deeper, needing to feel the water cover her from head to toe. When she came back up, her head slowly making its way out again, she wiped at her eyes and put her hair behind to find Lexa standing at the bathroom door.

“You’re in already” she said with a smile, her hands holding on to two packs of candles.

Clarke smiled. “I cannot believe you still stock up on these” she said.

Lexa moved around, placing a group of 3 candles in different places around the bathroom. Clarke had always loved this side of her. She was so particular in the way she did things. There was no half-heartedness. Clarke watched in awe as Lexa dimmed the lights a little bit, lit the candles carefully, put on a playlist on her phone and kept it on the platform beside the tub. She then sat by the tub, close to Clarke.

Clarke’s eyes had been following her the entire time. So when Lexa just sat there and smiled at her she asked.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just can’t get over how flawless you look here, in my bathtub” Lexa said with a smile.

Clarke laughed.

“So are you going to just sit there, or will you join me in here?” Clarke asked.

“Not fair. I didn’t get to watch you undress”

It turned Clarke’s cheeks red. Lexa wanted to watch.

“Next time, okay? I promise”

Lexa gave her a warning look and then got off the bathroom floor. She stood up and took off her t-shirt. Clarke had almost forgotten that she had not out a bra back on after their little moment in the bedroom. So her gaze quickly latched on to Lexa’s small, perky breasts.

It was Lexa’s turn to blush. She couldn’t get over how Clarke’s eye would darken this way every single time. Even after all the years they’d been together, Clarke was so very attracted to her, and it made her insides burn with want.

“Like what you see?” Lexa teased.

“Always” Clarke said, her eyes finally meeting Lexa’s now.

Lexa unbuttoned her shorts and pulled then down, slipped her feet out of them. Keeping her eyes on Clarke. And finally, she slipped off her underwear.

Clarke could have sworn her heart was stuck in her throat. Or her mouth was watering. Maybe both. Looking at Lexa’s skin in this soft light, took her back a few years to the first time she saw Lexa naked. Nothing had changed about her body. Nothing. It was flawless. A few tan lines here and there but other than that, nothing. If anything she stood up straighter, more confident in her skin. This Lexa didn’t need to be reassured of her body. She knew she was perfect.

Clarke gulped heavily. This was a dream. It had to be. Had they really reached here? Were they really going to share a bath together, now, after all these years? Clarke was frozen.

But Lexa picked up on it. She stepped in closer and said gently.

“Don’t be nervous okay… it’s you and me… we’re good together… so good.”

Clarke nodded, speechless, still overwhelmed by the beauty of Lexa.

“I can see you’re nervous” Lexa said with laughter in her tone.

“I’m sorry… I’m just… it’s been so long…”

“I know… I’m not going to run away this time, okay. We’ll go slow… in fact we can do nothing if that’s what you want…” Lexa said carefully.

“Get in” Clarke said, lifting a hand out to offer to Lexa.

Lexa took it and before she could step inside she asked “Can I get behind you instead?”

Clarke thought about it for a moment. But couldn’t come up with why she specifically wanted to be behind Clarke. So she didn’t think much of it, just carefully scooted ahead and let Lexa get behind her.

Once Lexa was comfortably seated behind her, she tugged on Clarke’s shoulder to signal her to fall back on her.

Their movements were slow, the bathroom filled with soft gasps from their lips as skin touched skin, as Lexa’s arms wrapped warmly around Clarke. Clarke let her head fall back gently against Lexa’s shoulder, it allowed Lexa to leave a trail of kisses down her neck and shoulder.

“Is this okay?” Lexa asked.

“I wanted to ask you”

“I hurt you earlier, I didn’t mean to make you feel like you couldn’t touch me, really”

“It’s okay… it’s all part of the process I guess…”Clarke said sadly, but then turned her head a little to capture Lexa’s lips in hers. She then whispered, if at any point you feel you can’t do this, tell me. I will leave the room and give you your space.

“I don’t want space right now” Lexa said as her hands got more brave, and exploratory, gently touching Clarke’s skin under water, her breasts, her waist, her thighs, her hips, all of it. Clarke’s heart was racing.

 As much as she wanted to ask Lexa to touch her where she needs it the most right now, she was so afraid of how Lexa would react. Would she be okay this time?

Lexa seemed perfectly content just touching her, but did she not know how torturous her touch was when she had no plan of finishing what she’s starting.

“Lex…”Clarke said breathily when she felt Lexa’s hands go dangerously close to the apex of her things, but come back up again to her knee.

“There’s so much lost time between us, Clarke” Lexa was speaking softly into her ear. And it dawned on Clarke that all this while that Lexa had been touching her, she had been deep in thought. And she was voicing it now.

“We have all these years to catch up on, I don’t know the ‘you’ of the last 4 years”

Clarke stayed silent, needing to hear Lexa speak.

“I feel like I have to re-learn you… your favourite foods, your favourite songs, how you like to be… touched” Lexa said with a shiver in her voice as her fingers lightly teased the underside of Clarke’s breast.

“I haven’t changed that much Lex.” Clarke tried to make her feel okay… to wipe away this feeling she was having all of a sudden.

“No Clarke, after what happened… I went through this phase of questioning myself, and my method of loving and I stared wondering if I had stopped taking the effort to reach out to you, if I had drowned myself too much into work that I stopped paying attention to you… I began wondering if you had changed and I hadn’t cared to notice…”

Panic rose inside Clarke. What was Lexa saying? Her body felt cold even though she was surrounded by warmth.

“Lexa, no!” Clarke said as she sat up straighter and half turned so she could look at her lover. Lexa’s eyes looked slightly red, like she was holding back from a break-down. Clarke got on her knees then, and sat back on her calves, not caring that her breasts were now on display out of the water. What she needed to do now was way more important than worry about decency and a good show.

Clarke reached out to caress Lexa’s face with her hands gently.

“Baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. Whatever happened, was my mistake, there was nothing you could have done or changed that would have made me see sense then. My judgement was clouded. And you loved me through all the suffering I put you though. I won’t ever forget how upset I used to find you when I would come home, and I knew it was all my fault, I knew it cause you so much worry and pain and I was selfish…

Lexa tears were flowing freely now. And Clarke couldn’t help but feel for her, her own tears threatening to fall down her cheeks.

“I was a fool to take you for granted, and I was a bigger fool to not take the love you kept offering me each night I came home late, drunk and disorderly. I am the same Clarke you loved then, if anything wiser now. Nothing about me has changed. I still love the same songs and the same food and the same you.” Clarke said, a smile making it through the tears for both of them.

“You have no reason to question your manner of loving me, because you loved me unconditionally, with all your heart, like no one else in this world ever would. And since the day you walked out, since the day Raven told me you had taken a plane and left, I have been praying to my stars for another chance at loving you right. This is my chance. And I’m going to make sure I love you like I’ve never loved you before, I’m going to make sure I give you the love you’ve always deserved.

I can’t erase my mistakes, Lex. But I hope I can make up for them in the simplest of ways.”

Clarke leaned in and placed the softest, gentlest kiss ever on Lexa’s forehead. It turned on the switch behind Lexa’s eyes, cause she broke down, crying bitterly.

“Okay, time to switch places” Clarke said as she got up, and Lexa scooted forward, she quickly settled in behind her, wound her arms around Lexa and rocked her softly, making shushing sounds in her ear and whispering sweet words of love.

“I’m here now… and I’m going to make all of this okay again alright, I promise you, Lex” Clarke said.

After a few moments, Lexa’s body had stopped racking with sobs and the tears had stopped too. But her body was tired and Clarke appreciated, limp against her own.

Clarke kissed her shoulder and neck, she reached out for a Luffa and softly slid it along Lexa’s body, over and around her breasts, her thighs, her legs as much as she could reach for, she then tapped Lexa’s shoulder to ask her to move forward so that she could scrub her back.

Clarke moved the loofa slowly over Lexa’s tattoo, she’s missed it. Missed waking up to it. Missed tracing her fingers over it to wake Lexa up in their happy sleepy state of mind to make love in the wee hours of the morning.

That’s when Clarke noticed something else, a new addition to the tattoo. An 8th Circle.

Clarke began to count. She knew Lexa had gotten 6 circles, for 6 people in her life she loved and adored.

Anya, Raven, Abby, Jake, Clarke and a childhood friend of hers who died too young of an illness, Lincoln.

The 7th circle must have been for Madi. But the 8th one? Clarke had an idea of what the answer could be, but she didn’t want to assume.

She traced the new circle and almost opened her mouth to speak when Lexa said

“I was there you know… when Raven finally picked your call and told you I had left… I was standing right next to her”

Clarke was still. Trying to process the words Lexa was saying.

Lexa looked down then. “I told her not to let you know I was standing right there. I knew you wanted to talk to me. But I didn’t want to hear anything you had to say then” Lexa said.

“Raven was kind to me. And she obliged.” Lexa added. Ï heard your voice and I knew you were in immense pain”

“I put you through hell, how could you still be empathetic towards me” Clarke finally spoke.

“You were still the one I wanted to spend my forever with. And all I could think about then was running as far away as possible from you”’

“You did the right thing. I was a monster. When Raven told me you caught a plane, I grew so desperate. My heart hurt so much. There was this internal pain I couldn’t understand nor could I tame I had to just cry through it… because I knew I deserved it.”

Lexa nodded.

 

 


	61. Chapter 61

Chapter 61

“Why didn’t you come looking for me?” Lexa asked and the question caught Clarke off guard. She had thought about it so much over the last few years. So frickin’ much. Yet here she was, lost for word, unable to come up with answer that might sound remotely justified.

“I almost did. A week after you left. I told myself that it was ample space and I should come looking. I knew the first place I had to look was Anya’s home. Raven told me it was too soon. That I was being selfish thinking I could just waltz right back to you now and expect you to forgive me. And I realized that I had to fix myself up. I had to clean up my act before begging you for forgiveness, lest you accept it and come home to the same fucked up me.”

Clarke sighed, and tugged on Lexa’s shoulder, letting her know she can lean back against her again.

Lexa did as she was signaled to. Clarke buried her lips into her hair and spoke.

“God! I ruined so much for us. In a months’ time I got to know about Aden and I freaked out. I couldn’t come to you with that news until I had the paternity tests done. More as proof to you and everyone else, because I could feel in every cell of my body he was ours.

But then it was a year and a half, and I thought to myself that you hadn’t reached out to me, or to Raven. And I thought to myself that maybe that was it for you. Maybe you weren’t coming back to me. Maybe this was what it was going to be now. All of those thoughts added to my post-partum depression, but me in a horrible place.”

“That’s when you started seeing a counsellor”

“Yes” Clarke said and continued.

“The news that you had reached out to Raven came to me just around the time I was finally in a better place in my head, finally off the pills”

Lexa exhaled deeply and slowly then. Clarke allowed herself to focus on the feeling of her body getting heavy against her front.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked her after a while.

“I am… I’m happy you’re here”

“I’m happy we’re here” Clarke said in response and kissed Lexa’s temple.

They were silent for a few moments then, Clarkes hands still roaming Lexa’s skin playfully, not too teasing.

“I had a question…” Clarke said.

“Hmmm” Lexa hummed.

“The 8th circle tattooed on your back….”

“It’s Aden” Lexa said.

“When did you get it done?” Clarke asked, her voice shaky from the revelation.

“The day I left you guys at home, asked you to give me some space… told you I’d call you when I was ready…”  Lexa said

Reminiscing that day and how she drove to the tattoo parlor that evening with one thing in mind. That Aden was going to be a permanent part of her life no matter if she and Clarke were going to work things out or not.

Clarke let out a shaky breath. This was something. And she needed a moment to process this.

“I hope that’s okay” Lexa said, suddenly feeling like maybe she did the wrong thing?

“It’s more than okay… he’s your son”

“Our son” Lexa corrected.

“Our son” Clarke acknowledged.

Lexa then reached for Clarke’s hand, looking for the infinity tattoo Clarke and her had gotten together as soon as they turned 18. Lexa got it behind her neck, and Clarke had gotten it on her wrist. She brought Clarke’s wrist to her lips and kissed over the little symbol… it sent shivers down Clarke’s spine.

Lexa then got bold, she took Clarke’s hand and placed it on her breast and guided her to touch her, she herself let her free hand wander back, up into Clarke’s hair, angling her face so that their lips could meet in a kiss.

The kiss got heated so quickly, Clarke finally moved her hands of her own accord, letting Lexa’s other hand come up to hold on to the rim of the tub.

Clarke’s hand boldly, yet slowly moved lower down her stomach.

“Are you okay?” Clarke whispered at Lexa’s lips, needing to make sure Lexa was okay with this.

“Touch me, Clarke”

Clarke let her fingers find Lexa’s soft folds. Lexa let out a sharp exhale. That feeling. It was so familiar. Clarke’s touch was engraved in her brain. She knew it by-heart.

“Don’t stop okay?” Lexa whispered breathily against Clarke’s lips. Clarke nodded and began to tease her folds with her fingers.

Lexa felt a shock run through her body. It was familiar and new all at once.

Lexa could feel Clarke’s heart racing on her back, she could hear in Clarke’s breathing how much this meant to her. And it flooded her with joy that they had reached a place where this was okay now. This was going to become their new normal again. It was just like before, just like all those years ago….

“Mommy!” *knock knock knock* came Madi’s voice loud, yet with a sleepy grogginess to it from outside the bathroom door.

Lexa flew ahead, away from Clarke’s body, Clarke herself let go of Lexa so quickly. Like teenagers who’d been caught.

Lexa was still trying to catch her breath when she said out loud “I’ll be right out, honey. Why don’t you wait for me in the bedroom?”

“Okay mommy.” Madi said, and they heard her soft footsteps fading away.

Lexa turned around, and let her back rest on the other side of the tub. She let out a long exhale, finally having caught up with her breath, and looked at Clarke.

Her eyes were still dark, and her chest was still breathing heavy.

“You okay? She asked her with a slight smile.

“Yea, yea, no, yea. Just, was caught by surprise.”

Lexa laughed out loud then. “This is the second time its Madi walking in on a situation like this.”

“Well technically she didn’t walk in”

“That’s for the better” Lexa said. She’s still at an age when the idea of sharing saliva with another human being is disgusting.

“Sharing saliva ha?” Clarke teased. “Is that what we do?”

“Okay now I’m just grossed out” Lexa said and Clarke laughed.

They were silent then.

“How soon do you need to be out?” Clarke asked shamelessly, as her foot began to trace up Lexa’s leg.

“Oh now you don’t. Clarke, you know I need my time…” Lexa said, sitting up straighter.

“I think I can make you come faster this time… it’s been a long while for us… And I know how badly you want it…”

“No!” Lexa warned, even as she couldn’t bring herself to stop Clarke’s wandering foot and teasing toes. Lexa’s blood rushed through her veins. The anticipation that was never satiated, growing within her again.

“We could do it really quick…” Clarke’s voice dropped 2 tones lower, the bedroom Clarke. That’s the voice.

Lexa closed her eyes as she listened to Clarke’s voice. Her body wanted it so bad. She didn’t know when Clarke moved from her place at the other side of the tub, suddenly she was leaning over her and kissing below her ear, sucking on her pulse point, a wandering hand now finding her folds between her thighs again.

Lexa’s reflex was to tangle her fingers in Clarke’s hair, her thigs moving further apart to grant Clarke entrance.

“Make it quick” Lexa said when Clarke’s finger entered her in one swift motion and she gasped in shock.

“MOMMA!” came Aden’s voice from outside

“Are you back? Are you in there with Lexa? EWWWW!”

Clarke’s hands came up in the air, as if she’d been caught by the cops. Her body now straight, kneeling between Lexa’s thighs.

“Aden! Come back here! Mommy said to wait in the bedroom!” came Madi’s voice, seeming to have held Aden by the hand and dragged him back towards Lexa’s bed.

 

“Okay. I officially think our kids hate us.”

Lexa playfully wacked her side and then took a deep breath. She was high strung. Horny. Needing release. But it wasn’t going to happen now.

Stay here. Finish your… bath… I’ll rinse off in the shower, get dry and start breakfast.” Lexa said.

“Okay…” Clarke said, a tint of sadness in her voice and yet an understanding smile.

Lexa got out, leaned in to place a soft kiss on Clarke’s lips, and then grabbed a towel and stepped into the shower. Clarke watched through the frosted glass as Lexa rinsed off any remnants of soap on her, dried herself off, put on some inner wear, picked up a robe put it on, and walked out.

Clarke sighed, took a deep breath and slipped into the water completely.


	62. Chapter 62

Chapter 62

“Madi and Aden did what?!” came Raven’s exclamation after Clarke narrated to her what happened in the morning.

Clarke told her about everything that happened that night, about all that they spoke about, about how far they’ve come now, and how the kids chose the right moment to come knocking on her bathroom door.

“They have impeccable timing, both of them” Raven laughed.

“I swear!”

“But I’m not feeling too bad. I anyway couldn’t wait for Aden to wake up, I missed him so much while I was away.”

“Mothers!”

“Hey, you’ll know once you have a kid of your own” Clarke told Raven.

“Anya, Clarke’s suggesting we have kids.” Raven spoke to Anya who may have been sitting right next to her

“She wants more little ones to walk in on her sharing cooties with my sister?” Anya asked, feigning horror.

Clarke laughed.

“But you know, given that you and Lexa are finally working towards fixing everything now, maybe you two should get out of the city together for a while. Leave the kids here with us or with Abby and Kane. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind that for a week” Raven said, a little more seriously.

“As much as we could use the privacy, I’m not sure how Lexa would react to a suggestion like that. I mean, she did freak out when we tried to be intimate with each other last night”

“But then she also let you get between her legs in a bathtub.”

“GOSH! Why do you have to be so outright?” Clarke said even as she could hear Anya laughing behind Raven.

“What, I’m saying it like it is.” Raven said.

“Anyway, all I’m saying is, maybe I should wait a while before suggesting we go on a vacation together”

“Alright, but give it some thought. Maybe talk to Lexa about it, tell her you’d like to do something like that in the near future. I know someone who knows someone whose cousin owns a huge place in the Hamptons that’s maintained really well and he doesn’t mind lending it to friends for staycations.”

“Wow. I’ve never been more proud of your networking skills.” Clarke said. “Thanks Raven, I’ll let you know”

“Okay GTG now, the girlfriend’s getting impatient”

“I don’t even want to ask for what. Bye!” Clarke said with laughter and cut the call.

It was noon. Aden was fast asleep in his room. They had done breakfast at Lexa’s place itself. Aden was clinging to Clarke like his life depended on it. He’s missed her so much, and Clarke had missed him too. So she decided she needed a day of Aden time. Just her and him at home. He may have gotten overwhelmed with all that time spent in another home. However much Lexa and Madi made him feel at home and comfortable.

Clarke went back up to his room, and snuggled in with him. She kissed his forehead and he wiggled a little in his sleep. That’s when Clarke got a text on her phone.

“Hey Clarke, Madi’s got a sleep over tonight at a friend’s place after dinner. I was thinking maybe we could get a glass of wine or two later tonight… your place if that’s fine…” read the text. Clarke smiled to herself and replied.

“Our place. Yes. Come over.” Clarke replied. And just as she hit send, she was alerted of a message from an unknown number.

“Hi, this is Echo here. Anaya’s birthday’s coming up, and we’re passing by your neighborhood this evening, she insists she wants to drop by to personally invite Aden for her party. Just checking in to see if you’ll be home?”

Clarke thought about it. She thought about this real hard. Was Bellamy going to come too? Or would it be just Echo and Anaya. Then she thought about the discussion she had with Lexa about how their past shouldn’t affect Aden’s friendship and social life.

She replied to Echo saying “Yes, sure, we’ll be home. Just ping me when you’re nearing here”

Clarke kept her phone away and closed her eyes, she’ll talk to Lexa, let her know beforehand that they’re coming over. It’ll be fine.

 

Clarke and Aden were just done with dinner, when Lexa knocked. Aden ran to get it.

“LEXSA!” he exclaimed and hugged her knees.

“Hey my little man! Missed me?”

Clarke walked into the hallway wiping her hands on a napkin

“You had him for a whole week! I don’t understand how one day could make him miss you” Clarke said.

“You don’t understand the special bond we share” Lexa said, carrying Aden in her arms and kissing his cheek.

“Lexa’s right, momma!”

Lexa laughed and put him back down.

“Aden why don’t you go clear up the toys in the living room. Anaya’s going to be here soon” Clarke said and Aden rushed to the living room.

Before Clarke could explain anything to Lexa, she felt her sweet lips meet her own and a gentle soft “Hi” breathed against her lips.

Clarke stood there stunned. They were doing hello kisses now. Wow. They’ve reached there. She couldn’t move or say anything.

“Oh come on, I’ve given you better kisses than that one”

Clarke finally laughed. “Yes you have, you just caught me by surprise is all”

“Get used to it” Lexa said. Then she raised the bag in her hand letting Clarke know she bought wine.

“Woah. I already had wine, why did you buy a new bottle”

“Wanted a specific one” Lexa said with a glint in her eyes. Clarke smiled giddily. She took the bag from Lexa’s hand, then took her hand in her own and led her to the kitchen.

“I got to talk to you about something before we get to the wine” Clarke said.

“Yea sure, what is it? I heard you tell Aden something about Anaya coming over?” Lexa asked.

“Yea about that. Echo texted me, they’re coming over to give us an invitation for Anaya’s; birthday party”

“They’re?”

“I know Echo and Anaya are coming, I don’t know if…”

“Okay”

“I just wanted to let you know, in case he does turn up, so that you’re mentally prepared.”

“Yea, makes sense” Lexa said, deep in thought.

Clarke walked up to her, getting into her personal space. Caressing her cheek with her hand

“We talked about this right? We won’t let our past stop Aden from having a friend. He really admires her company.”

Lexa nodded. “Yea, of course. I know”

“Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine” Lexa said with a smile. Placing her hand over Clarke’s to reassure her that she’s okay.

“We don’t even have to entertain them long, they’ll be gone before you know it, and you and I can get to our glasses of wine and…” Clarke said, her voice falling a few tones deeper, her lips drawing closer to Lexa’s.

“And?”

“And we can make love on our couch…”

“Ummm” Lexa made a face “I was hoping we’d reach our bedroom.”

Clarke’s heart felt warm, Lexa was finally referring to this place as her own. Now all that’s left was for her to move back in. for them to start this family the way it should be.

“We can make love wherever you’d like” Clarke teased, nuzzling her nose against Lexa’s

“Even here on the kitchen counter?”

“Even here” Clarke said with laughter in her tone.

A knock on the door interrupted them.

“THEY’RE HERE!” Aden squealed as she ran towards the door.

“Aden! Wait!” Clarke said as she ran towards him. Lexa got up off the bar stool she was sitting at and stood by in the hallway.

Echo greeted Clarke with a hug and behind her was Bellamy. He simply waved with a “Hi” as they entered in, Anaya holding his hand.

“Come on in” Clarke said. Aden, why don’t you show Anaya your room.

Aden didn’t need to be asked twice. He grabbed her hand and they ran upstairs

“Don’t run on the stairs sweetie!” Lexa called out after them. And that’s when both Echo and Bellamy noticed Lexa there.

“Lexa! It’s good to see you again” Echo said. Lexa smiled. Bellamy acknowledged her with a curt nod.

“It’s nice to see you two together again. You’ll are… dating?” Echo asked carefully.

“Something like that…”Clarke began to say when Lexa interrupted.

“Yea, Clarke’s my girlfriend, for now.”

While it filled Clarke’s heart to hear Lexa talk about her like that, it also worried her if Lexa’s over-possessive side was beginning to show again.

“That’s wonderful news. The both of you should come for Anaya’s party. We’d love to have you’ll there.”

Echo said as she handed the invite to Clarke.

“Wait, isn’t it like a kid’s only thing?”

“No, actually, we’ve invited some of the parents over too. We’re having it at our new house and it would also be alike a house warming party, and we’d love to have you’ll there”

“That’s… great! Wow congratulations!” Clarke said and Echo beamed with joy.

There was an awkward silence then and Lexa spoke up “Should I get you anything? Water? Something to eat?”

“Oh no, Thank you. We should be getting on our way now, we were just passing by in the neighborhood and thought we might as well come by”

Just then Aden and Anaya came downstairs holding hands, swinging them along.

“Come on baby, it’s time to say goodnight to Aden. We got to get home” Said Bellamy.

The kids aid goodbye. Lexa once again waved bye to them as they left, coming to stand beside Clarke, and putting an arm around her waist, pulling her into her side.

“Thanks, for the invite” Lexa said to them.

“Hope we’ll see you two there.” Bellamy said and left. 


	63. Chapter 63

Chapter 63.

As Clarke shut the door, she felt Lexa’s arm move away from around her. She watched as Lexa made her way to the kitchen.

“Aden, why don’t you go get ready for bed, I’ll be right up to tuck you in okay?”

“Okay Momma”

Aden went upstairs while Clarke went towards the kitchen to find Lexa pouring out the wine.

“Hey” she said, slipping her hands into her pockets.

“Hey” Lexa said with a smile that wouldn’t reach her eyes.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked carefully.

“You don’t have to keep checking on me every time Bellamy’s in the picture, Clarke!” Lexa said quickly.

Clarke almost took a step back. She wasn’t expecting that of all reactions.

“I’m sorry. I just… I need a moment. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Why don’t you go freshen up, change, put Aden to bed, and meet me on the couch ha?” Lexa said, her eyes not meeting Clarke’s.

“Yea. Okay. Fine” Clarke said dryly and walked away.

Lexa watched her stride away and she knew instantly Clarke was worried.

‘Get your act together Lexa! You can’t keep doing this to her every single time. She definitely has good reason then for checking in on you each time!” Lexa’s conscience spoke to her.

She took a deep breath, lifted the glasses and took them to the living room.

It had been a whole 20 minutes now. Clarke was taking longer than usual and Lexa was begging to worry that maybe she’d really upset Clarke this time. She almost got up to go check on her upstairs when she heard soft footsteps coming down.

She stood up “Clarke, I didn’t mean…”

“To snap at me…? Yea I know.” Clarke said as she made her way to the front of the couch, took Lexa’s hands in hers and traced light circles over it.

“It’s hard for you, I know.” Clarke said. She then carefully came forward, her face leaning in ever so slowly and she kissed Lexa’s cheek.

“I’m here, okay. I’m with you.”

Lexa didn’t realize how much she needed to hear it, until she did. She put her arms around Clarke and hugged her, tight.

“Sit” Clarke said to her. Lexa pulled away then and sat, Clarke sat close next to her.

“I want you to be able to let me in. When you have those moments in your head, you always tend to close me off. Cut me out completely. It happened the last time when we were at your place, it happened here now. I really want to be able to help you through it, Lex. We’re in this together, remember?”

Lexa smiled then. Took Clarke’s hands in hers and kissed over her knuckles.

“Yes. You’re right. I don’t know why I keep thinking I need to heal by myself anymore. I have you to lean on”

“And I want to make it right. All of my mistakes, I want to make it up to you, so please… please just let me in”

Lexa leaned in and kissed her lips sweetly and whispered a small I’m sorry, for earlier”

“It’s not okay. You must make it up to me” Clarke teased.

“Good thing I picked up your favourite wine, the oldest bottle they had.”

“I knew it! I knew you were up to something!” Clarke laughed excitedly as Lexa handed her a glass.

She took a sip and closed her eyes, humming as the red liquid graced her taste buds.

“It should be illegal for you to make such sounds outside of a bedroom” Lexa said.

Clarke opened her eyes to find Lexa smiling gleefully.

They got talking then, about Madi and the friend whose house she’s gone for a sleepover at, about Aden and his karate class. At some point in the evening, their hands had tangled together and Lexa was playing with Clarke’s fingers. It was all so natural and domestic, their hearts felt warm.

“By the way, what date is that party anyway?” Lexa asked

Clarke put her glass down, deciding she needed a free hand to pick up the invitation card from the table in front of them and was not keen on letting go of Lexa’s hand.

“Wait, we’re going?” Clarke asked. Looking at Lexa with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, you thought I wouldn’t want to go?” Lexa asked

“Well yea… but…”

“It’s alright. I really like the idea of us doing mommy things like this. And this could be a nice start. Given that I completely fucked up the last time when we went to the school.”

Clarke laughed.

“Plus, I’ll get to meet the other parents, get to know some of Aden’s friends.” Lexa said.

Clarke was staring at her in awe.

“Is there a way to kiss someone without needing to have to stop in-between for oxygen?” Clarke asked.

“I don’t know, I guess you’ll have to try to know.” Lexa teased. “Check the date” Lexa reminded her.

They both looked down at the card in Clarke’s hand to find the date amongst other details.

And the date that stared up at them caught both of them by surprise. Anaya’s birthday was on the same day as Jake, Clarke’s dad’s death anniversary.

Clarke’s hand began shaking. Lexa quickly took the card from her hand and placed it back on the table.

“Hey, it’s okay…” Lexa said, putting an arm around Clarke and pulling her in.

“I’m okay, I’m fine”

“You’re not, you’re trembling babe.”

“Lexa there’s something I need to tell you” Clarke said.

Lexa looked at her, held her face lovingly in her hands and said “what is it?”

“I haven’t gone there… recently”

Lexa allowed herself to understand that and hen spoke…”to the place of his burial… that’s… okay… we can go before the party that evening”

“No” Clarke looked up at Lexa then, and quickly looked away, almost as if she felt some form of shame. Lexa quickly picked up on her nervous traits, she was scratching at the denim of her shorts, and her eyes wouldn’t focus.

“What is it? What are you not saying?”

“I haven’t gone there… since… you left” Clarke finally said out loud.

Lexa took longer to process this. Because if Clarke has never been there since she left, that means Aden has never been there either. So going this year would mean, taking Aden there for the first time. Was he old enough to understand?”

“I couldn’t do it Lexa!” Lexa realized Clarke was still talking. “I couldn’t go there without you.” Clarke admitted. Lexa pulled her in to lean against her shoulder.

She should have known this would happen. Lexa had held Clarke through the toughest days of getting through the grief after Jake passed oh so many years ago. Every year on his death anniversary, Abby, Clarke and Lexa would visit the grave to pay their respects. Clarke would always stay back longer and Lexa would hold her hand, staying by her side through it.

The first year that the day came around when Lexa was in Washington, it took everything in her to not find out how Clarke was doing. She honestly did worry for her, because Clarke was never okay when the day arrived.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be here with you” Lexa felt like she needed to apologize.

“No, you don’t understand. I felt ashamed to be there. I know I’ve not been the most perfect daughter he thought he had raised, and I hated myself so much, I just felt so unworthy going there… I had driven you away from me, and he loved and adored you so much, Lex.”

Clarke was crying bitterly into her shoulder now, remembering the good old days when her father was around. Lexa kept kissing her head, running her hand down her hair. Trying to be the best comfort she can be to Clarke.

“Let’s go this year…” Lexa said. Clarke stayed quiet.

“I’m here now, we’re fixing us. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We can go there and you can talk to the skies like you always did. Tell him whatever you’ve been holding back all these years.”

“If you’d like we can take Aden and Madi too… Aden deserves to know where he was buried…”

Clarke wiped at her tears then and asked Lexa

“Madi knows him?”

Lexa smiled. “Yea, she knows there was a man named Jake who was a father figure to me. I guess she just hasn’t connected the dots that he’s your dad.”

“You’ve told Madi about him” Clarke said more to herself then to Lexa.

“Yea, I brought her here once when she was younger. I wanted to talk to Jake the way you always did.” Lexa laughed at the memory of how she found it awkward at first, but then got the hang of it.

“What did you want to tell him?” Clarke asked.

“That I left. That it was difficult. That I have a daughter now. Her names Madi. And she knows about him and what he meant to me.”

Clarke nodded, then hid her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck.

“I was a mess without you. I could really use your hand in mine when I go to his grave again…”

“You make it sound like the rest of me is no help at all” Lexa joked.

Clarke chuckled

 “Clarke, I’ll be by your side every step of the way. I mean it.”


	64. Chapter 64

Chapter 64

“Maybe I should head home” Lexa finally whispered to Clarke after a few moments of snuggling on the couch together.

“What? Don’t go. Didn’t you say Madi’s at a sleepover?”

“I did. But we’ve had a rough evening, it’s been heavy on your heart… just want to make sure you still want the company” Lexa said.

“There’s no one else I’d rather be with right now.” Clarke said to her. “And we did talk about making love… on the kitchen counter” Clarke teased as she nuzzled her nose against Lexa’s brining a sweet smile to her face.

“Sleep with me” Clarke said all of a sudden.

Lexa opened her eyes and searched Clarke’s.

“We don’t have to do anything, just come to our bedroom, I’ve missed having you there lying beside me, just for tonight if you’re fine with that, sleep with me…” Clarke was being so careful.

Lexa could see her choosing her words carefully, tip-toeing with her words to make sure Lexa would understand.

“Okay…”

“Okay?” Clarke asked with a little excitement in her eyes showing.

“Okay” Lexa confirmed. Clarke stood up from the couch, took her hand and led her upstairs.

 

Lexa had changed into a pair of Clarke’s shorts and a t-shirt. And was sitting at the edge of the bed, waiting for Clarke to finish in the bathroom.

When Clarke walked out, it almost seemed like they had travelled back in time all those years ago when something like this, waiting for Clarke to come to bed, was as natural and normal as ever. Lexa smiled.

“Earth to Lexa” Clarke said as she walked over to her, standing before her and taking her hands in hers.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked.

“I’m fine. I’m great, in fact.” Lexa said, her eyes now taking a moment to scan Clarke from head to toe. She was so comfortable in her tank top and shorts, it warmed Lexa’s heart. 

“What’s on your mind?” Clarke asked.

“Will you dance with me?”

The question caught Clarke off guard. But damn it, if it didn’t send her head spiraling into the past to this one day back when they had just moved into this home. When she and Lexa had fought over something petty and hadn’t spoke at all, all evening. That day Lexa asked her to dance and even though they hadn’t been talking, she had said yes. And they slow-danced together in their bedroom for about 5-10 minutes, before each of them were whispering apologies to each other and crawling into bed to cuddle and fall sleep.

“There’s no music” Clarke said with a smile.

“It’s a yes or no question” Lexa said with an eye roll.

Clarke chuckled “Yes”

Lexa stood up, gently let her arms go around Clarke’s waist, Clarke put her arms around Lexa’s shoulders, Lexa’s lips met Clarke’s cheek for one soft lingering peck before letting their cheeks graze each other and stay there.

Lexa slowly began to move, swaying both of them to no music at all, at first Clarke found it awkward, but it took her 2 seconds to realize, how relaxed Lexa’s body felt, and it was contagious. She then allowed herself to lose herself in Lexa’s hold.

The minute she let out the deep breath she was holding, she felt the butterflies in her tummy. The immense joy bubbling up in her.

And as if that wasn’t enough, she heard Lexa humming a tune… It took her a second to recognize it, and the minute she did, Lexa began softly whispering the lyrics…

“You’ll be in my heart

Believe me you’ll be in my heart

From this day on, now and forever more

You’ll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You’ll be here in my heart… always.”

Lexa was no singer. In fact she had always hated her own voice. But somehow, the years between them may have at least improved her confidence a little to have caused this moment between them. It brought tears to Clarke’s eyes that she was grateful Lexa couldn’t see.

The silence of the room, coupled with the soft sounds of Lexa’s whisper-singing, it was a little too overwhelming for Clarke.

“Don’t stop” Clarke whispered into Lexa’s ear with a chuckle.

And Lexa continued singing with a smile. Lexa nuzzle her nose into Clarke’s cheek and said,

“You haven’t changed anything in here”, talking about how their bedroom was pretty much untouched save for the photos of them that used to cover the walls.

“I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.” Clarke replied with certainty in her voice.

They stayed silent, still swaying in one another’s arms.

“Lexa, come home, please.” Clarke said, a little more seriously now.

“Okay.” Lexa replied.

Clarke leaned back then, to look at Lexa’s face, to make sure she had heard right.

“I want to move back in, with you, I want to be here with you, every night…”

Clarke nodded, her joy knowing no bounds now, her hands reached out to caress Lexa’s face, she softly leaned in and kissed her lips.

Their swaying had stopped now, and the kiss remained gentle, slow, and sensuous. Like Clarke was making sure to commit every little move to memory.

“You know… you crying while I kiss you, really makes me question if I’m still that great kisser you boasted to everyone about back in college.”

Clarke burst out laughing at this. “It’s tears of joy. Nothing else. It’s all pretty overwhelming for me, having you here, like this, after all these years, after all my mistakes, after all the pain I put you through…”

“Shhh…” Lexa silenced her and stopped her before she spiraled there again. “We should sleep…” Lexa said, taking Clarke’s hand and leading her into bed.

Once they were both settled in under the covers, they slept on their sides, staring at each other.

Clarke reached out and placed her hand over Lexa’s that was resting between both their pillows.

“I don’t think I’ve ever shared comfortable silences with anyone, the way I do with you.” Lexa said.

Clarke chuckled. They stayed silent again. Just gazing at each other.

“God! You’re so beautiful, Clarke”

Clarke didn’t know how to respond for a minute. Something so simple, a compliment that Lexa has probably told her a million times by now, yet here in the dark of their room, lying together it meant a million times more.

“You’re beautiful, too. So so…beautiful…” Clarke said as she tucked a stray bunch of hair behind Lexa’s ear and then slowly leaned over her and kissed over her forehead. The act was so innocent. So gentle, it was almost therapeutic.

None of them realized when the other began to fall asleep, the weight of the evening’s conversation taking a toll on them now, and lulling them to sleep.

When Clarke’s eyes drifted open a little while later, the darkness of the room told her it was still too early in the morning to wake up. But a larger change to notice, was that Lexa was spooning her.

Lexa’s arm was around her middle, her face buried in Clarke’s hair and her soft, sleeping breaths were warm against Clarke’s skin.

Clarke let her hand find Lexa’s on her waist, and their fingers intertwined.

Things were slowly going back to normal, and Clarke was grateful. Grateful to Lexa, to her stars, to the universe, to any God above that was being kind to her right now. This is the life she wants. To have Lexa back home with her like this.

Clarke fell back asleep comfortably, warm and with a familiar feeling of security and pure love.

 

When Clarke’s eyes opened to the soft light pouring into her room through the curtains that she doesn’t remember pulling closed, it occurred to her that Lexa’s arm wasn’t around her. She sat up, startled and looked around.

“Lex?”

No response. Clarke wiped her face with her hand, waking herself up completely. Had she dreamed the whole thing up? Wasn’t Lexa here last night? With her… in bed… holding her as they slept…?

Clarke threw her legs off the side of the bed and reached for her phone. Panic slowly beginning to rise in her heart.

There was a text. “I’m so sorry Clarke, I had to leave early this morning to go pick Madi up from her friend’s place. Didn’t mean to leave you to wake up alone in bed. You looked gorgeous in your sleep and it took everything in me to untangle myself from you. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Hope you slept well, text me once you get this.”

Clarke let herself fall back on the bed with a wide smile on her face.

“Honestly, I’m so relieved it wasn’t a dream” she texted back.

“Hey, look who’s up!” came Lexa’s reply.

“You must know, I won’t forgive easily. I look forward to you making it up to me”

“Hahaha, rightly so. I should have fore-warned you about having to escape in the wee hours of the morning.”

“The least you could have done is made me breakfast” Clarke teased.

“You haven’t even gotten out of bed, have you?”


	65. Chapter 65

Chapter 65

Clarke read the text once, twice. Then looked towards the door wondering what Lexa meant. She got up, put on her robe and rushed downstairs, only to find a warm cup of coffee and bagels. Lexa went downstairs, bought her bagels and coffee, kept it here and went away.

“Wow. Lex. Thank you, you didn’t have to.” Clarke texted her back.

 “Weren’t you just accusing me of not leaving you breakfast?” Lexa’s reply came.

“Okay, so I’ll admit, when cupid was shooting arrows I got lucky.”

“You can’t credit cupid for our kind of love story.” came Lexa’s reply.

“Touché. The universe, then.”

“I’ll take it.” said Lexa.

“How’s Madi? Did she have fun?” Clarke asked in her text.

“Loads, she’s currently sleeping in the backseat while I’m driving us home.”

“How are you driving and texting?! Stop right this moment, call me once you’re home, please.”

“It’s alright, I’ve caught peak hour traffic. Got another 5 minutes before I have space to move along.”

Clarke smiled to herself then, and sipped on her coffee. Lexa sent another text.

“I told Anya I’ll be moving back in with you, she was elated. So you’ll definitely get a call from a screaming Raven in a while.

Clarke checked her notification bar. 3 missed calls from Raven. She laughed.

“Oh, I missed 3 of them. I’ll call her back in a bit. So… you’re excited?”

“About coming home? I am, Clarke, and nervous too.”

“We’ll be okay” Clarke felt she needed to reassure her lover.

“We’ll be more than okay.” Lexa replied back, causing those same butterflies in her tummy to return.

“So Madi will understand when I tell her. Have you thought about how we should tell Aden? That we’re seeing each other…”

“Hahaha you make us sound like teenagers in love.”

“You make me feel that way.” Lexa replied.

Clarke couldn’t help the giddy smile on her face. The happiness bubbling in her. They’ve come this far. And they’ve got their whole lives ahead of them.

“Come over for dinner tonight, we’ll tell both of them together.” Clarke suggested.

“I see you’re excuses to get me in your bed are just getting more and more bold.” Lexa replied.

And quickly she sent another text to Clarke soon after, that read,  

“Okay, driving now. Call you later. I love you Clarke Griffin.”

Clarke stared at the last 5 words. She thought about how there must have been about a 100 cars waiting behind Lexa’s honking at her to move. But Lexa felt the need to add in those last 5 words anyway.

Clarke quickly typed back,

“I love you too Lexa Woods. More than words can tell.”

 

“You know Griffin, after everything you two have been through, her moving back in with you is a huge deal.”

“I know” Clarke said over the call to her over-excited best friend, Raven.

“This calls for a celebration” Raven said.

“We’ll celebrate after she’s moved in, please I don’t want to jinx anything right now, it’s all going so well, we talk about so many things, we’re open with each other, about the past, about what we want in the future, it’s raw and real and it’s getting to where we both need and want it to be.”

“God! You sound so mature like this, Griffin”

Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Okay okay, no joking. Fine. I miss my looney Clarke, can you blame me?”

“Don’t worry, she’s in there somewhere, she’ll resurface once she’s proved to herself she can be an adult and make smart decisions.”

Raven’s voice then grew softer.

“Hey Clarke, don’t tell me you’re still beating yourself up about the past…”

“Raven those mistakes are a part of my life. I can’t just wipe them out. It changed so much of our lives. Acknowledging it helps me stay grounded and focus on everything I want now.”

“That makes sense” raven finally said.

“Yea. Anyway… Lexa told me… that the day she left, she got you to lie to me over the phone… that she had already caught a plane and was gone…”

Raven was silent on the other end for a moment and then said “Clarke… I’m so…”

“No! Rae, you don’t need to apologize. Please. You did what you were asked to do then. You were just trying to help her through it. It was a tough moment for her and you were with her and I’m grateful you were there.”

“Regardless, it was difficult for both her and me, you know that.”

“I do know that”

They were silent then.

“Anyway, there’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. Rae, Lexa’s birthday’s coming up next month…”

“Oh yes! You have something in mind?” Raven said, excitement making its way through her voice once again.

“Can you share the contact of your guy who knows someone who knows someone whose nephew has a vacant place in the Hamptons?”

“I like how you think, Griffin” came Raven’s excited, yet mischievous tone.

 

 

 “So we get to live here again?” came Madi’s voice, with a hint of excitement in it.

“And I get to share a room and play with Madi whenever I want and not just on certain days?” asked Aden.

Lexa and Clarke looked at each other and unanimously answered both of them with a warm smile “Yes”

“Awesome!” both the kids exclaimed and high-fived each other.

Clarke and Lexa were relieved at how easy that conversation seemed. They had explained to them that the two of them were now dating and in love with one another and they care about each other deeply. But all that mattered to the kids was being together. And it was as simple as that.

They had ran off upstairs to Aden’s room when Lexa asked Clarke.

“I’m not sure whether to think that went well.” Lexa said.

“I think Madi saw this coming anyway, but I feel I should talk to Aden later before putting him to bed, to make sure what this means.”

“What will you tell him?” Lexa asked and it got Clarke thinking. Yea. What is she going to tell them? What DOES this mean for them?

“Clarke, we should talk, what does this mean for us?” Lexa asked nervously. Turning more in her seat to face Clarke more definitely.

Clarke fell short of words.

“I’ll tell you what I think it means and feel free to stop me if you think THIS shouldn’t mean that… THIS being… us moving in together…”

Clarke nodded.

Lexa took a moment to gather her thoughts.

“I want Aden to see me as his mom too… and I want Madi to feel just as comfortable seeing you that way.”

Clarke’s features softened and she smiled. It encouraged Lexa. She reached out to hold Clarke’s hands.

“I want to be able to see my future with you, see it through… and by that I mean…”

The words weren’t coming to her ‘I want to marry you’. Clarke knew it lingered in the air between them. They’d talked about it in their past, and if Lexa was bringing that up again, this was a huge deal to Clarke.

“I know what you mean. I want that too.” Clarke saved her from the nervousness that came from saying it out loud.

“I want to build our family here, Clarke…” Lexa said, tilting her head to the side to make sure Clarke understood what she meant.

Clarke tried really hard to read Lexa’s eyes now. Was she insinuating…

“I’m thinking too far into the future, I know… but we’re both women, if either of us wants to carry…”

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” Clarke rose from her seat and covered her mouth taking deep breaths, pacing before Lexa.

 “Clarke, are you okay?” Lexa asked, suddenly hating herself for maybe saying too much.

“You want to have more babies with me?!” Clarke said out loud. Neither joy nor sadness showing in her expression and it confused Lexa whether it was a question or just a statement.

“Well, we never got our chance at parenting… together. But I mean, we don’t need to think about that if you’re not up for it... I don’t want that if you don’t…”

Clarke had to bring herself out of her shock to focus on the fact that Lexa was backtracking, she was trying to take her words back, fearing Clarke doesn’t want the same things.

Clarke quickly made her way back towards Lexa and straddled her lap, pushing her back, and kissing her lips passionately.

“I want the same things you want. Apparently, you’re just more ready to say them out loud than I am.” Clarke smiled as she continued kissing Lexa.

Lexa laughed, her heart finally feeling more at ease before it began to race with the way Clarke’s tongue was teasing her own.

“Are you a little more clear now on explaining to Aden what this means?”

Clarke hummed. “Well, I’m not going to tell him to expect a brother or sister, but I got your drift…”

“My drift ha?” Lexa teased

“What, get with the lingo, Lex. We’re not in the 19th century you know?” Clarke teased as she kissed with more purpose.

“Have you forgotten our kids are upstairs and may come running down any moment now?”

“They should get used to this now.” Clarke said.

“With the way you’re kissing me, I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this PG-13 any longer.” Lexa said with a chuckle.

“Okay, fine. What a wuss!” Clarke said as she disconnected from Lexa and walked into the kitchen, not before earning a butt pinch from Lexa that had her running a few steps forward with laughter.


	66. Chapter 66

Chapter 66

“I thought Madi was staying over tonight, Momma” Aden said to Clarke as she pushed his blonde hair behind and kissed his forehead having tucked him in for the night.

“Who told you that honey?”

“You and Lexa. You said they’re moving back in.”

“Awww honey, that’s going to take a while. A few days at least. Both you and Madi have school to go to, and all her stuff’s at home.”

“So how long?”

“15 days maybe?” Clarke said.

“Okay”

“Sweetheart, you do understand why they’re moving in right?” Clarke asked Aden carefully.

“So we can all live together again.” Aden said.

“Yes, that’s correct, but also because…”

Aden waited patiently while his mom was thinking how to correctly explain all of this to him.

“I’m in love with Lexa. There was a time when we were young that I fell in love with her, and I’ve never fallen out of love with her even though we had a few years apart”

“So you mean to say you’ve started kissing Lexa the way I saw Aunt Rae Rae kissing Anya?” Aden asked.

While this raised a lot of questions in Clarke’s head, she decided to not let it distract her from what she was trying to explain.

“Yes Aden, but kissing is not all that love is.”

“Then what is it?” he asked.

“It’s a feeling of being completely happy, of caring so much for one person that you’d do anything for them, of making sure you don’t hurt them beyond repair, and keeping it that way forever.”

Clarke found she was surprising herself with the words coming out of her lips, because she hadn’t rehearsed these at all.

“And Lexa feels that way about you too?”

It was such an important question when Clarke thought about it. Her son was smart enough to ask if the feeling was both sided. This was his way of understanding how people fall in love.

“Yes, from what Lexa has shown me and told me, I know she loves me the same way, maybe more.”

“So are you two going to get married and have babies like they do on TV?”

Clarke laughed. “Would you be fine with that buddy?” she asked with laughter in her tone.

“I like Lexa. She makes me happy and she sings to me when I don’t get sleep. And she makes you happy too.”

This was information to Clarke. Lexa sang to Aden when he slept over at their place?!

“Woah! Hold up there, buddy. What does she sing to you?” Clarke asked.

“The song from Lion King, momma!”

‘You’ll be in my heart’ Clarke thought with a smile.

Then Aden continued “So yea, I’m totally fine with Lexa living with us, and loving us, and having babies with us.”

Clarke burst out laughing. She was often shocked by Aden’s intelligence. But today she was simply touched and floored.

Clarke kissed him goodnight, told him how much she loves him, turned his room light off and walked to the door. She heard him ask one more question.

“Do I have to call her momma too?”

“Only if you want to, bud”

Aden smiled, and then drifted off to sleep.

 

It was the day of Anaya’s party. Meaning, it was also the day of Jake’s death anniversary.

They were driving to the cemetery, Lexa insisted she’d drive. The kids were at Anya’s place. Clarke decided that they didn’t need to see her breaking down before her father’s grave, and that would definitely happen today, because she was here after 4 whole years.

They had decided to do an early start, to dodge traffic. And to give Clarke the time she needs to do this.

Lexa turned the music down softer and glanced towards Clarke in the passenger seat.

“Are you felling okay?”

Clarke nodded.

“I’ve never seen you look paler” Lexa said truthfully.

“I’m… not ready. Listen, let’s go back home… the kids will wonder where we’ve gone when they wake up, we can do this some other time…”

Lexa reached out and offered her hand to Clarke resting it on Clarke’s lap. Clarke stared at it for a moment, then took it. Lexa squeezed softly and spoke.

“We’re doing this today, Clarke. I’m here, I’ve got you. Anya and Raven will tell the kids we had to go out. They’ll be fine.”

Clarke nodded and tried to keep her focus on the road ahead, the music in the car and the warmth from the woman holding her hand.

When they reached the cemetery. Lexa stopped the car in the driveway adjacent to the block where Jake’s grave lay. She unbuckled her seatbelt and waited to see some movement from Clarke’s side.

“Had he been alive to hear the mistakes I’ve made, Lex, he would have disowned me, hated me. Despised me for hurting you. You were his angel. He loved you the same way he loved me…”

“Clarke, he was your father. Just like you mom, he would have gotten over his anger and forgiven you…”

“No. no, Dad was very different from mom. He wouldn’t have let you leave town. He would have found a way to bring you home. He would have done what I couldn’t do.”

“Clarke, there’s no point making this up in your head now… I know Jake. He loved you with all his heart. Even now, he’s looking down upon you and he’s proud of how you’ve managed to fix us. So what if you made a mistake. You beat the odds, you fought for us even when I wasn’t willing to give this another chance.   
  
We’re here because you wanted us to be back here. So I’ll be damned if you tell me right now, that you’re not going to go up to his grave and pay him your respects because he loved you with that lion-heart of his, and he rooted for us all the way, even more than your mom did.”

That seemed to have shifted something in Clarke. Lexa was right. Dad had been their biggest supporter. Their biggest fan. He’d held Clarke through some of their fights, he had helped patch them up when they would let their egos and pride get in the middle of things. He’d been their no.1 fan. So Clarke owed it to him to be here, and to pay him her respects.

“Don’t let go of me, okay?” Clarke finally said to Lexa, this vulnerability a side to her that she would only ever show Lexa.

“I won’t. Not now, not ever.” Lexa felt the need to say.

They got out of the car, Lexa went to the other side and held Clarke’s hand, and they walked forward onto the grass, passing by about 10-12 graves before they reached the spot where the tombstone read ‘Jake Griffin’ with his year of birth and death.

Lexa put an arm around Clarke. She was holding herself together. Lexa could feel in the stance of her body she was not letting herself really be in the moment.

“It’s okay… you can talk to him… he’s still with us” Lexa spoke softly into Clarke’s eyes.

That opened the flood gates. Lexa felt Clarke’s body begin to shake and tremble, she felt it the moment Clarke’s knees gave way and she fell to the ground, crying bitterly.

Lexa crouched beside her and pulled her into an embrace. Holding her as she kept her gaze locked on the tombstone.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry…” Clarke cried out loud. And Lexa couldn’t tell if the words were directed to Jake or to her. It felt a lot like it was directed to her. Clarke wouldn’t stop apologizing through the sobs, and Lexa felt like she needed to comfort Clarke, because her guilt was taking over again.

She softly rubbed Clarke’s back and said “Shhh… baby… It’s okay….”

“It’s not. I promised him I would never let you go! I PROMISED HIM, LEXA!” Clarke looked broken as she looked into Lexa’s eyes and spoke.

“What are you saying, Clarke?”

“He made me promise him one day, that I would always fight to keep you. That I would always take care of you… I broke that promise.”

“Oh Clarke…” Lexa couldn’t help her own tears now, she embraced Clarke and softly told her “you fought for us, you did. That’s why I’m here, what’s why we’re together again. You mended whatever promises you broke. ”

It helped in some manner, Clarke’s sobs had quieted down. She then closed her eyes and allowed herself to lean back against Lexa, strong against her back. Lexa wound her arms around Clarke and allowed her to find rest between her legs and against her front.

“She’s the angel you said would look after me, she’s the one you said would keep saving me…”

Lexa was hearing about these conversations for the first time. It brought endless tears to her own eyes. She wanted to tell Clarke that she was no saint. But she decided to let Clarke have this moment.

“We have a son, dad. His name is Aden. I had him soon after Lexa left. He’s our son…” this sent Clarke into another bout of cries. Lexa whispered into her ear.

“You’re okay, you’re okay, I’ve got you…”

Clarke wiped at her tears then and smiled softly. “And then there’s Madi, the sweetest little girl I’ve ever met. You would have loved them dad. They would have loved you… our children.”

“I’m bringing Lexa back home. Lexa, Madi, Aden and I, we’re going to be together soon. And I’m going to make sure I protect them with the same fierce love you protected us.”

This got Lexa smiling against Clarke’s cheek.

“I’m going to make up for all the wrong I’ve done, by making sure I give them the love they deserve, dad. Just like you would have wanted me to.”

 

They stayed for another half hour there, quiet and just remembering Jake. Until Lexa stood up, helped Clarke up and said “You did good. He’s proud of you.”

Clarke smiled sadly and hugged Lexa tight. “Thank you, for being here.”

“Always, Clarke.”

“Come on, you must be tired” Lexa said, taking Clarke’s hand and leading her back to the car.

Clarke fell asleep on the drive home, all the crying and emotional turmoil having taken up all her energy.

When she woke up, she was in her bed at home. And the smell of freshly brewed coffee had taken over the house.

She turned around to find Lexa sitting on the other side of the bed, her legs tucked in under the covers sipping on coffee and looking down at her now.

“Slept well?”

“Another not-dream”

Lexa laughed. “No no, not a dream. This happened. We went to the grave, came home and passed out”

“Okay” Clarke said as she sat up, gathering her thoughts.

“You and Jake had a lot of conversations about me that you’ve never mentioned before.”

Clarke stayed quiet, but gazed into Lexa’s eyes.

 “You should know he wrote me his wedding ring in his will. Said I was to give it to my lover when I was ready to marry, but only if my lover was you.”

Lexa sat there in shock. Trying to process what Clarke just said. “Yep, that’s how much he rooted for us” 

After a while, Lexa kept her coffee mug down and scooted closer to Clarke, pulling her in to hold her close.

“Where did you keep it?” she asked after a while

“Wouldn’t you like to know” Clarke finally said with a smile. It made Lexa chuckle too.

“Come on, get ready, let’s go get the kids home.” Lexa said as she got out of bed.

“I’m sure Aden will have another story to tell about catching his aunt Rae Rae with her tongue down Anya’s throat” Clarke said.

“Maybe we should rethink where they sleep over these days” Lexa said with a face.

Clarke laughed.

 

 


	67. Chapter 67

Chapter 67:

“You know, we can still decide not to go, if you’re not feeling up to it” Clarke said as she put on some lipstick, standing beside Lexa before the mirror they were both using to get ready.

“For the 100th time, Clarke, I’m fine. Mommy things, remember?”

“Yea but we don’t need to do mommy things at the house of a man you hate.” Clarke said.

Lexa applied the finishing touches to her make up, then turned to Clarke who was looking at her like she could break.

“I’m okay doing this Clarke. Now, if you’re not okay doing this, I’ll understand, then we can stay home.”

“I’m fine” Clarke said.

“Great, let’s do this. I’m going to check on Aden.” Lexa said and moved away from the mirror.

She came back in and asked “Does my lipstick say Ï could kill you” loud enough?

Clarke looked at her, horrified.

“I’m kidding, ease up, Griffin.” Lexa chuckled, winked at Clarke and left.

Clarke continued with her make up but she couldn’t get her mind to shut up. Lexa was clearly uncomfortable when Bellamy was around, and she had good reason to be. So why was she forcing herself to do this. Clarke felt bad. If Lexa felt she was doing this for Clarke, to make things seem normal for them, Clarke felt guilty for putting Lexa through it.

They arrived at the Blake’s new home and was welcomed warmly by Echo. Aden ran off to find Anaya and his friends.

Clarke linked her hand through Lexa’s and Lexa leaned in to kiss her temple.

“What’s gotten you all nervous?” Lexa asked.

“How can you tell?” Clarke asked, shocked that Lexa was able to pick up on these nuances. She was such an expert lover, people should be jealous.

“Your body’s tense” Lexa said as they walked on over to a bunch of other parents Lexa recognized.

“It’s just… I never socialized much with Aden’s friends’ parents before. So they too made their own assumptions about me. But ever since you’ve come along, they seem to have opened their minds a little bit.

“So you’re nervous to socialize? Social queen Clarke Griffin? I cannot believe what I’m hearing” Lexa teased.

Clarke stopped in her tracks then and Lexa turned to look at her

“A lot of me changed after you left Lex.” Clarke said very matter of factly.

“Hey… I was just teasing. I didn’t mean to upset you” Lexa felt she needed to make sure Clarke knew.

“And I don’t care what has changed, all that matters to me is that you still love me the same, because I know I do. And if you’re uncomfortable talking to people here, then we don’t have to at all. We can go entertain the kids playing outside…”

Clarke realized she may have acted on impulse, her nerves getting the best of her. “No no, let’s go talk to them… lets be…mommies”

Lexa smiled at that. Kissed Clarke warmly on her lip sand then took her hand and led her to a group of parents fussing over something.

“Hey guys!” Lexa said when she approached 6 human beings. She recognized Emori and John, Octavia (Bellamy’s sister) and her husband Lincoln, and another couple she was seeing for the first time.

“Hey!” Octavia said and Emori gave a small wave saying “glad you guys made it. It’s been a while since we’ve all come together like this”

“Yea, well, kids can do that to you” Lexa said and the 6 of them chuckled and went on to talk about how their children really take up so much of their time. And Clarke felt a little pride filling up in her heart. Lexa was good at this. Socializing. It made up for how much she hadn’t done in a while. This was good for Aden. It would mean he’d get to make more friends, spend more time with them.

They suddenly hear the sound of a baby wailing, and turned around to find Echo carrying a little baby and bringing her over to Emori.

“She’s missing her mom I guess” Echo said and Emori took the little one from her and started cooing at her trying to get her to stop crying.

“OMG! Congratulations you guys!” Lexa said. “I had completely forgotten you guys were expecting” Lexa said. Clarke watched with amusement as Lexa took a step forward and cooed at the baby too, allowing her to hold her little finger and was making senseless conversation with her. The baby had stopped crying and was starting into Lexa’s eyes.

“Wow she’s taken a liking towards you instantly” Emori said.

Lexa chuckled. “Can I hold her?”

“Yea sure”

Clarke watched as Lexa took the little one in her arms and walked a few steps away from the adults to have a little time on her own playing with the baby. She spoke to her and seemed to be getting her desired response too because she was gleaming playing with the little one.

“Clarke you have to see this, come look!” Lexa said when she spotted Clarke staring at her from afar.

Clarke walked over and stood by Lexa, putting an arm around her.

“Just look at how she reacts to this”

“Who’s a strong girl ha? Who’s going to show this world what little ladies can do?!”

And the little one threw a punch in the air.

Clarke and Lexa laughed out loud. It was truly the cutest thing ever.

“I’m afraid of Madi’s capabilities now” Clarke joked, looking at Lexa.

“Oh she’s a fighter I’ll tell you that. I didn’t even have to teach her anything” Lexa said.

“Clarke was staring at the little baby’s cute little face and thinking deeply. Lexa caught on to it.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“I can’t help but wonder how amazing you’ll be when we decide to have one more of our own”

A sweet smile came upon Lexa’s lips. And she couldn’t help but be drawn to Clarke’s lips for a passionate kiss.

“When we have our third, we’re going to do it right. He or she will have both her parents looking out for her from day 1” Lexa promised.

“I know. You’d be wonderful” Clarke said. Kissing her once more.

They were then distracted by some noise from the backyard where the kids were all playing. They moved outside to find Bellamy and Lincoln in an arm fight on one of the kids picnic benches, a friendly one no less, just to get the kids excited. The kids had split up into 2 teams.

Clarke and Lexa both noticed Aden was on Lincoln’s side and Anaya was obviously on her dad’s side.

The other parents too started hooting and cheering to see who would win. Clarke stood by Lexa, and felt Lexa’s arm go mindlessly around her waist. She wasn’t amused by the fact that Bellamy seemed to be winning.

Then Lincoln, in a sudden bout of energy, pushed harder and defeated Bellamy. The kids roared with excitement that he had won. Bellamy told his team “don’t worry don’t worry, I’ll get the next one. Who’s up next?”

The little kids ran up to their parents forcing them to do it. And right enough Aden came over to Clarke hot on his heels

“Mommy mommy, you’ve won arm fights before! Come on! You can totally take him down!”

Clarke looked nervous. She had no doubt she could give him a run for his money, but she had no intention of having any interaction with Bellamy. She didn’t want to cause any feelings of insecurity in Lexa and more importantly, she was more than happy with the way Lexa was holding her so possessively.

“Not today honey”

“Oh come on mommy! We need to defeat the other team! We just need one more win! Pleeeaaassseee”

“You can go you know, it’s okay” Lexa softly said. 

“I don’t want to. Really” Clarke said to Lexa.

A moments pause and Clare heard Lexa said “I’ll do it” and Aden bounced on his feet in pure happiness and ran over to tell his team that Lexa was going to do it.

Clarke’s eye widened at Lexa. “Lex” she said with a tone of warning.

“Don’t worry, I got this.” Lexa said relaxed, and winked at Clarke.

Lexa sat opposite Bellamy on the bench and lined her arm up before him.

Bellamy himself looked a little nervous when he sat before her. Knowing that they had a history. That Lexa had unresolved anger for him that needed to be vented. He wondered if this was her way of doing it, a woman defeating him right before his daughter’s eyes. Yep that would be a moment of pride for her.

“Come on Daddy! You can do this!”

“Lexa’s going to take the trophy! I know it!” Lexa heard Aden say to his friends behind her and she felt a boost of confidence. Right before Lincoln could count to three, the cheering got louder from the parents and the kids, and Lexa saw from the side of her eye, Clarke was still standing at the porch, looking a little tensed.

The match began, and Bellamy had already pushed her hand close to the table. She was losing. But she was using all of her strength. She could do this she told herself. She had a lot of practice with Anya when she was a kid, and Anya was a strong kid. Anya would run circles around Bellamy.

She managed to push Bellamy’s hand a little, enough that her hand was not as close to the table as before. It unnerved him that she was able to push back even that much. She saw it the moment panic reached his eyes and took advantage of that and pushed harder.

“You’re not winning this, Blake. I am.” she said with a strangled tone, still pushing hard. Her arm would not forgive her for this later tonight she’s going to have to ice it.

“You and what army?!” he teased.

“Come on mommy! Just a little more. You can do it! I know you can do it!”

That was Aden’s voice behind her, Lexa recognized it. She was shocked. Good shocked. Aden called her Mommy.

“Then another voice beside her, she realized Clarke had moved from the porch to stand by her side.

“Lexa you got this. Just a little more. This is yours” Clarke said.

“Me and my family” Lexa said, loud enough for only Bellamy to hear, and with a renewed determination and energy, she pushed his hand all the way to the other side and it hit the table. The crowd erupted in cheers. She got up from the bench and turned around and kissed Clarke. And even before Clarke could say anything, she spoke “he called me mommy. Aden called me mommy”

“He did?”

Lexa nodded with a smile on her face. She saw Aden run towards her and hug her legs!

 “YOU DID IT! YOU DEFEATED THE EVIL TEAM” Aden said with pride.

“Is that the name of the team?” Clarke asked in shock.

“No momma, we just call them that.”

“Okay good” Clarke carried him up in her arms.

“Did you see how mommy totally beat his ass, momma?”

“Wow, that does sound good” Clarke said to Lexa. And Lexa leaned in and kissed Aden’s forehead.

“It was a friendly match Aden. Don’t get too excited. Bellamy is still your dear friend’s dad”

“Yea yea, I know all that. But you still won. And I can go brag about that to all my friends” Aden said. Lexa laughed.

“Dinner is served guys, come on inside.” Echo said from the porch. And all the parents and kids made their way inside the house. Clarke noticed Lexa waiting back, she put Aden down and told him to go inside and wait for them.

“Hey, everything okay?”

“Clarke go inside, I’ll be right there”

“Why… why won’t you come with me?” Clarke asked as she now noticed that Bellamy was clearing up the snack plates and punch glasses in the backyard. 

“I have something I need to talk to him about, Clarke. In private”

“Lex, when did you start keeping things from me?”

“Clarke, can you just give me 10 minutes. Please.” Lexa snapped.

Clarke looked upset. “Fine” she said and she walked off into the house. Lexa would have to make it up to her later. But she needed to do this.


	68. Chapter 68

Chapter 68

“Hey” Bellamy said to Lexa when he realized she was waiting for him.

“So I guess I should have seen that coming ha” Bellamy said.

“My victory?” Lexa asked.

“Yep. That kind of anger you have towards me could light a town on fire”

“You’re right” Lexa said more seriously. She then continued.

“But it has to end somewhere, more so because my son and your daughter are really good friends” Lexa said. The conflict in her heart was showing on her face. Bellay could see it. Hear it loud and clear.

“That’s difficult for you, I can tell.” Bellamy said.

“You have no idea” Lexa said. Then continued “But it’ll make Clarke feel a little more at ease whenever we’re in the same premises. She’s always fearing we’d get into a quarrel, or we’d create a scene. Because as you can tell, and for obvious reasons I can’t deal with the thought that you had sex with my lover while you were both drunk. While I understand you were both equally part of it, I’ve made my peace with her about it. We’re started a new, we’re back together again, hoping to have the future we’ve always wanted.

“That’s great news Lexa. I hope you know that I am sorry for whatever happened, and if I could change the past, I would”

Lexa nodded. Looking away then. Her arms folded across her chest.

“So we’re good?”

“As much as we need to be. For the kids. For Clarke.” Lexa said

Bellamy nodded and reached out to shake Lexa’s hand. She obliged. She turned around and took a step forward, but then remembered she had to do this one thing.

“There’s just one last thing though, Bellamy, before we get started on this ‘peace’”

Bellamy shut his eyes tight “I think I know what’s coming, I’d rather you get it done with now than later. Party’s almost over anyway.”

Lexa threw her hardest punch ever, letting the anger of all the years she’s missed in this town through, hitting him straight in the gut. He almost flew back with the impact, and doubled over in pain.

“I deserved that” he choked out. And she turned and walked away, her eyes red from anger and pain.

 

When Lexa rejoined the rest of them in the room, she spotted Aden sitting on Clarke’s lap while she fed him. She figured Clarke hadn’t served lunch for herself yet. She went up to them, ruffled Aden’s hair and spoke.

“How about I continue feeding you, and you let momma get herself some lunch too?”

Aden almost hopped off, but Clarke stopped him

“Sit right there honey. We’re almost done”

Lexa realized Clarke wasn’t talking to her directly.

She sat by Clarke then and leaned in and kissed her cheek.

 “I’m sorry I snapped at you, babe. There was just something I had to do.”

“Do? You said you had to talk to him.” Clarke asked, her eyes widening again.

“What did you do?” Clarke asked.

Lexa was about to say something when Echo came to explain to some of the guests who were leaving that Bellamy can’t come say goodbye cause he’s suddenly not feeling too well.

Clarke looked at Lexa with a raised eyebrow. “Did you have something to do with that?”

Lexa made a face and then told her “Ummm. He may have rammed his gut into my fist.”

“What!” Clarke said. "Wow" she finished. 

"I needed to do it. You know that. He saw it coming too" Lexa kissed her lips.

“Ewww mommy, momma that’s disgusting!”

“Where did you learn that word from?” Clarke asked in disbelief. Then fed him some more food.

“Anyway, you don’t have to be worried any more about what I’ll do next every time we’re around him. We’ve decided to be civil. At least for you and the kids.

Clarke heard her. But waited until Aden was done with his food and ran off to find his friends again to react.

“You didn’t have to do that Lexa. You’re allowed to be angry for what happened. You’re allowed to feel that.” Clarke said, taking Lexa’s hand in hers.

“I know. But I really want us to be able to move on, and I don’t want to hold on so tight to our past that it doesn’t let us have a future.”

Clarke nodded, she then let her forehead rest against Lexa’s.

“I’ve never felt so strongly about anything in my life, the way I feel about how much I want to spend the rest of my existence with you and our kids”

Lexa chuckled and said “Our kids. He called me mommy!” she said, still so amused by it.

Clarke laughed and kissed her lover. She got up, pulling on Lexa’s hand and telling her “Come on, let’s get lunch and then get out of here, I want to go home and make love to you”

“Sounds like a plan” Lexa said.

 

When they reached home around 4 pm, the house was dark and smelled of popcorn.

Aden ran into the living room and squealed. His aunt Rae Rae and Anya had set up a huge fort of pillows and bedsheets and were lounging inside it with Madi, watching a movie.

“Woah! You guys seemed to have had just as much fun as we did” Lexa said as she entered the room and put on a few lights.

“Oh come on, Ana almost reunited with Elsa!” Raven whined.

“Let it go” Lexa said

 “Funny” Anya deadpanned.

“Madi you had homework to finish” Lexa said to her, pulling her up from her cozy spot in the fort.

“I know, I remember.” she said sadly. Lexa kissed the top of her head.

Clarke sent Aden up to his room, telling him to go upstairs with his sister and get a short nap before dinner.

Once the 4 adults were alone in the living room, they sat on the couches and updated each other on the day’s events.

“So you punched him? Straight in the gut!?” Anya asked. “Like I showed you” she added.

Clarke looked at her wide eyed. “You guys have been planning this. I should have known”

“It was a long time coming” Anya said.

“God! You just got so much hotter in my eyes!” Raven said to Lexa, who pulled Clarke in closer to her side.

“Quit ogling at my babe. You have your own.” Clarke said, leaning in to give Lexa a sweet kiss on the cheek

“Yea Rae, what the fuck!” Anya said.

“You haven’t beaten up any dudes for me yet”

“Tell me which dudes, I’ll beat them up.” Anya said. “So romantic “Raven said with a smile and kissed Anya straight on her lips.

“Ah that reminds me, can you guys stop sticking your tongues down each other’s throats while babysitting Aden.” Clarke said and Lexa laughed.

“Why? What did the little squirt say?” Anya asked.

“Doesn’t matter”

“It was one time! I’m sure we didn’t scar him too much” Anya said and then began to kiss Raven again, this time not stopping for anyone.

Clarke looked at Lexa then “I better get started with dinner.”

“Aww, I thought we were going to come home and make out a little…”

“What is this a make-out party? We’ve already got them on our hands… just look at them.”

Lexa did look. And it was like watching soft porn. “Ugh, you’re right” she said.

“You think that’s what we look like?” Clarke asked, still staring at Raven and Anya kissing like no one else was in the room.

“Nah, I’m sure we look prettier. Aesthetically pleasing soft porn.” They stared with their heads tilted.

“Our eyes are closed. Not our ears, guys” Anya exclaimed before getting right back into the kiss.

Clarke laughed then turned to Lexa “Come, chop some veggies with me?”

“Sounds more entertaining than watching my sister make out with your best friend, so yea”

Lexa got up from her seat on the couch and followed behind Clarke.


	69. Chapter 69

Chapter 69

“Mom called earlier, when you were out talking to Bellamy” Clarke said as she was prepping for dinner.

“Oh. What did she say?” Lexa asked.

“She asked how it went… visiting dad’s grave”

“Aha”

“I told her it was okay… that it helped so much having you there with me”

Lexa leaned in and kissed Clarke’s forehead. “I’ll always be with you, Clarke”

“I know…” Clarke said with a sweet smile.

“She uhh... had some other questions too”

“Yea, like what?”

“It’s stupid. I told her, I mean… it’s too soon”

Lexa was more interested now.

“What did she ask, Clarke?”

“She said now that we’ve settled back in together in our old home, we should talk about marriage”

Lexa smiled to herself but didn’t look up.

“Why does she want us to get married?”

“I don’t know, she said something about her wanting to see us in beautiful white gown before she gets too old, and something about ain’t nobody getting younger, or something like that… why? You don’t want to get married?”

Lexa chuckled. “Wow, look at you getting all worried that I won’t put a ring on your finger.”

“It doesn’t matter to me. Married or not, as long as you’re here with me”

Lexa looked up at her now and said “I know” she got up from the bar stool across from Clarke and went over to her side and kissed her passionately.

 “You’re stuck with me now, Clarke. I’ve even moved in completely, with my kid and all” she joked.

Clarke laughed. “Marriage is just a formality” Lexa said and leaned in again to kiss Clarke when a voice interrupted them.

“Who’s getting married? Can I be flower girl?”

Clarke was startled. Lexa more calm, now getting used to Madi’s way of creeping in on conversations.

“No one’s getting married, at least not anytime soon” Lexa said to Madi and then went over to the other side to sit with her.

Clarke continued with dinner prep while Madi and Lexa started talking about school. But she couldn’t let go of what Lexa said. “Not anytime soon”

Even though she knew Lexa meant well, she thought about how beautiful Lexa would look in a white gown and what vows they would make to each other and what ring she could go pick out for her, and their honey moon… not anytime soon”

She focused on the veggies before her and tried not to acknowledge the tiny feeling of sadness in her.

 

At dinner, while most of the conversation was about the lunch party, about Emori and John’s kid, about some other town gossip, Anya suddenly asked “So Lex, your birthday’s coming up, what you want to do? … ouch!” Raven kicked her under the table.

“I don’t know, I’m pretty fine with just a house party, or maybe we can go out for dinner or something, I don’t really want to do much”

“Why not?” Clarke asked.

“I’m happy here. At home with you guys. I honestly don’t know any happier way to spend a birthday”

Clarke looked nervous.

“So you mean to say you don’t want to do anything special?” Raven asked now, trying to make this easier on Clarke.

“Not really”

“But what if someone special to you wanted to do something special” Raven said and this time she earned a kick from under the table.

Lexa laughed, “Okay guys, what are you’ll planning, just come clean.”

Clarke almost spoke up, but Raven interrupted. “You can’t just ask like that. It’s not a surprise then.”

“So you’ll have planned a surprise?”

Clarke face palmed herself while Raven went in for a save.

“No, I mean yes, I mean no. No there’s no surprise at all. Don’t think you’re all that and all.”

Clarke’s eye widened, Raven was making the situation worse.

“I think what Raven means to say is, it’s better if you don’t ask questions” Anya finally said.

“Alright” Lexa said with a smile. She looked towards Clarke to find her demeanor had changed, she almost looked nervous. So after dinner, once the kids had gone up to bed, and Anya and Raven had taken their leave, she went up to Clarke who was putting away some of the dishes and wrapped her arms around her waist and began kissing down her neck softly.

Clarke hummed.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but you looked super unnerved when they brought up my birthday at dinner”

Clarke turned around “should have known you’d pick up on that”

“I don’t want you to feel any pressure to do anything okay… we’re good. Just having you guys with me on a day like that as compared to how I spent the last few birthdays will be more than I asked for anyway”

Clarke leaned in and kissed her passionately. “Oh but you deserve so much more, you deserve the world and if I could give it to you, I would”

Lexa nuzzled her nose against Clarke’s and said “you are my world. I really don’t need anything else”

 “At least let me pamper you a bit. I want to make the day special for you”

Lexa chuckled. “So sex?” she joked

“Lots of it” Clarke promised.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t let us get there yet and I’m here joking about it”

“It’s okay… we’re in this together. One day you’ll be able to love me without having flashbacks… we’ll be fine. I’ll wait”

Lexa felt bad. They were together now. But still not entirely. They were living in the same home, sleeping in the same bed, wrapped around each other, limbs tangled, but after the last time she reacted badly when they tried to have sex, they hadn’t given it another try. And she hated that Clarke had to be so patient. She was probably burning on the inside. Lexa knew her libido was getting the best of her.

“I hate that we’re so broken… we can’t even have sex” Lexa looked remorseful, like she hated the life they were living.

“Hey, look at me” Clarke lifted her head to look into her eyes “we have a home, two amazing kids, and friends who love us. There’s nothing broken between us. Sex is merely one form of showing affection. Until then, we can kiss, cuddle, fall asleep in each other’s arms, we can spend time with family, we can cook up breakfast together, and we’re doing everything else just fine. So don’t go thinking we’re not living our best life, okay?”

“Okay” Lexa finally said.

Her hands began wandering down Clarke’s sides then, as she leaned in once more to kiss Clarke’s neck, Clarke pulled her hair to the side and tilted her head to give Lexa more access, she felt her knees weaken too.

“I was thinking, maybe we can… try tonight…”

“About that… I just got my period, babe. And I can already feel the cramps coming on…”

“Right. Okay. Another time then.” Lexa said and kissed Clarke

“I could do with a good foot massage though”

“Your wish is my command” Lexa said.

“Go upstairs, I’ll be right there”

Lexa kissed her once more and headed upstairs looking forward to working her magic on Clarke’s feet.

 

When Clarke passed by the kids’ room, she saw Aden was still awake and was playing with his nerf gun.

“Aden, come on baby, it’s time to go to bed”

“I don’t want to go to sleep yet” Aden said

“Darling, don’t be so loud, Madi’s already asleep, you can’t be playing now, you’ll disturb her”’

“Great, she can play with me too”

“Aden! Don’t be stubborn, please hand the gun over to me”

“No! I want to play momma!”

“Aden!” Clarke scolded.

Madi had stirred awake now

“Look what you did, Madi woke up!” Clarke said, feeling horrible that they had disturbed the girl’s sleep.

“Madi! Come play with me” Aden said.

“That’s it young man!” Clarke said and walked on over to where Aden was standing on his bed, she tried to take the gun from his hand but he wouldn’t let go and started screaming.

“Aden, be quiet please. You have to sleep, you have school tomorrow.”

“What’s going on?” Lexa asked from the door. She had heard Aden screaming and came immediately.

“Aden wants to play” Madi said, now sitting up in her bed.

“Madi, sweetheart, go back to sleep” Madi covered herself in her blanket. Lexa walked on over to Clarke and Aden and told Clarke

“Let him be, he’ll play by himself”

“He needs to sleep”

“I don’t want to sleep!” Aden shouted angrily.

“Watch your tone young man!” Clarke scolded.

“Hey Clarke! Cool it.” Lexa said firmly to Clarke.

Clarke was shocked. Was Lexa really letting Aden do this?

Lexa took the gun from Clarke’s hand and gave it to Aden saying “Here. You can play with your gun, as long as you’re quiet okay?”

“Okay” Aden said happily.

“Lex, what are you doing, he needs to sleep”

“He’ll tire himself out and sleep, trust me”

“You’re the better mommy, I knew it!” Aden said. And it hurt Clarke. It really did. That’s when it hit Clarke, they were never prepared for this. Parenting styles. Their parenting styles are different. And that’s bound to cause a clash.

Lexa walked on over to Madi’s bed to make sure she had fallen back asleep, when she turned around, she saw the door close. Clarke was upset.

Lexa sighed. Had she done something wrong?


	70. Chapter 70

Chapter 70

“Clarke, he’s a kid, he’ll say these things, and he doesn’t mean it. You have to know he doesn’t mean it”

“That’s not what I’m upset about and you know it” Clarke said from inside the bathroom. She was brushing, but she usually kept the door open, this time she made sure to lock it.

Lexa looked confused.

“What are you upset about then?”

The door flew open and Clarke, dressed in her spaghetti and shorts, looked angry and tired all at the same time.

“I was handling the situation completely fine. I didn’t need you to come in and interrupt. He was just about going to listen to me!”

Lexa realized now that maybe she didn’t really need to butt in. But back then, she felt like it was alright, that Aden was their son, and it would be okay to try her methods of handling a kid’s tantrum.

“But he was getting more worked up.” Lexa said by way of explanation.

“See that’s just it right! I know what he’s like when he’s throwing a tantrum. I know how to handle it. So let me. I’ve known him longer than you have. I brought him up.” Clarke spat out in anger and regretted it immediately.

“Yea, you have.” Lexa said softly and then turned away to get into bed.

“Lex…”

But Lexa didn’t care to listen now. She simply lifted the covers and got into bed. Clarke wiped her face down. She could not believe she just said that to her. After everything.

“Lex, I didn’t mean…”

“Goodnight Clarke”

Clarke went to her own side of the bed and sat down. She wouldn’t get sleep after this.

She got under the covers and scooted closer to Lexa

“Babe? Are you awake?” she asked.

But Lexa didn’t answer. She sighed. She knew Lexa couldn’t have fallen asleep so soon though.

She placed her palm on Lexa’s arm

“Don’t. Not right now.” Came Lexa’s voice, choked and strained. She was crying.

Clarke scooted away, but stayed there, facing Lexa’s back. Hoping she would turn around any moment and they could talk. She could hear the sniffles. The occasional sob.

She wanted so bad to hold Lexa and apologize, she really didn’t mean to say those things. Apparently her ego did get hurt that Aden tagged Lexa as the better mommy.

Clarke’s stomach cramps had started to get worse, so she got up from the bed and walked outside, thinking maybe she could do with a hot water bottle.

When she passed the kids room, she peeked in to check on Aden, and found that he was fast asleep, his gun kept aside. It worked. She was right.

Clarke went into the room, and kissed her little boy’s forehead. She checked on Madi too, and found she was fast asleep too. She kissed atop her head too and softly whispered “Your mommy’s the best thing that could happen to me, I don’t know why I keep screwing this up?!”

She stared long at the little girls sleeping form. She was so beautiful. It didn’t matter that she was not Lexa’s flesh and blood, they had so many similarities. The way their face contorted to express whatever dream they were having, the position in which she slept…

“Momma” Clarke’s train of thought was interrupted by Aden’s groggy voice. She went over and sat by his side.

“Hey baby boy, what are you doing up? Go back to sleep.” She caressed his face.

“Momma, are you and mommy fighting because of me? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make anyone angry”

“It’s going to be okay honey. You should sleep now”

“But just so you know, you are the better mommy.” Aden said. Clarke laughed at his innocence

“No honey, there is no better mommy. We’re the same yet different.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t need to. What you need to do now though is sleep”

He nodded and closed his eyes. Clarke kissed him goodnight and left the room.

She then went downstairs, prepared herself a hot water bag and came back up to their room. She opened the door to find Lexa sitting up on her side of the bed.

“Lex, you’re awake!”

“Yea, I couldn’t get sleep. Where’d you go?” she asked, looking worried. 

She lifted the hot water bag to show her. “Just downstairs”

“Okay. Don’t do that. Leave without telling me”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to worry you”

Lexa sighed.

“I’m doing a lot of things wrong, aren’t I?” Clarke asked as she sat before Lexa on their bed.

“No. No of course not. I just… I’m just getting used to waking up and having you in the same bed with me, that when you’re not there it gets me anxious.”

“I’m sorry, I’ll make sure I tell you the next time” Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

They were silent then.

“I owe you a foot massage”

“I owe you an apology”

 They both said at the same time.

Lexa laughed while Clarke sat there gulping.

“I’ll start with the foot massage” she said with a smile.

It was 1am in the morning, and here they were, Clarke leaning against the bed frame, with her foot in Lexa’s lap, getting the best massage she could have asked for after a long painful day.

“I didn’t mean what I said. I think I just got angry because it almost seemed like I was doing something wrong, and you came to show me how it’s done. I’ll agree it hurt my ego, especially when Aden made that comment about you being the better mommy”

Lexa nodded.

“It wasn’t entirely your fault. The thing is, we haven’t talked about this. We should have. Moving back in together after everything we’ve been though can’t be just as easy as that. We didn’t think about what the kids would go through and how we’d be as parents together. We should have talked about that.” Lexa said.

“Yea” Clarke said. “I’m not sure what’s the right way to do this, though.”

They were silent again. Clarke now letting herself focus on the way Lexa’s thumbs were kneading the knots in her foot. She almost let out a really loud moan, how was she so good at this, did she practice? Who did she practice on?

“I don’t think there’s a right and wrong way. I think we’ll just have to find a middle ground. Look at every situation with a good-cop bad cop strategy. We’ll have to learn each other’s styles. It’ll take time, but I’m sure we can find a groove. We’ve been parenting on our own, we just have to find our balance doing it together” Lexa said.

Clarke smiled. This was why she loved her so much. Nothing was ever impossible in her eyes, she would always strategize, find a way.

“Okay”

“Okay”

Clarke pulled her legs away from Lexa’s grasp then and said,

“Come on, let’s sleep”

“No, let me massage them some more, you’re in a lot of pain anyway. It’s the least I can do.”

“I want to kiss you” Clarke said quickly. Only then did Lexa register the hunger in Clarke’s eyes.

She crawled atop her and kissed her lips, allowing the tension between them to melt away.

“I’m sorry, I really am, for what I said. I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I hate that you wouldn’t let me touch you after that”

“Touch me now” Lexa said.

“But do you forgive me?” Clarke asked, so unsure.

“I do” Lexa said and kissed Clarke deeply.

 


	71. Chapter 71

Chapter 71

7.30 am the next morning, when Clarke awoke, Lexa was already up before her, watching her sleep.

“I have to go for a run” Clarke mumbled.

“Good morning to you too, sweetheart”

Clarke chuckled and kissed her lover.

“Don’t go today. You should give your body good rest on days of your period”

“I know. But I like running”

“More than spending the morning in bed with me?”

“Okay, not more than that”

The soft rays of the mornings sunlight peeking in through the curtains was creating a beautiful dim light in their room, making Clarke look even more angelic than she already was.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Can I take your top off?” Lexa asked.

It caught Clarke by surprise, they hadn’t really done anything in their bed recently other than kissing and caressing, was today going to be the day that changes?

Clarke nodded, and Lexa helped pull the spaghetti off over her head.  

Lexa’s eyes darkened. “I… it’s been a while…” Clarke said nervously. Clarke was conscious about her body in the bright day light. She wasn’t sure what to do with her hands. This was the first time since they’ve gotten back together that Lexa was looking at her body in proper day light, not covered by the darkness of the night, or the water in a bath tub.

Lexa’s hand wandered, on her waist, up over her breasts. Clarke shivered. Then Lexa’s fingers traced the stretch marks near Clarke’s belly.

“They won’t go…”

“Shhhh… they’re beautiful” Lexa said and leaned down to kiss over them softly. It was overwhelming, too overwhelming. 

“I wish you had been there on the day he was born… I wish he could have met you then….”

“Shhhh baby… everything happens for a reason, maybe we wouldn’t have worked out, maybe we would have imploded. This was meant to be… we have to believe that.”

“I want to tell you so much, about the last few months when he started kicking, responding to my voice, responding to Ravens voice…”

Lexa chuckled into Clarke’s skin as she kissed her way up. Clarke lost all ability to speak when Lexa’s lips found her nipples.

Lexa had always had an odd fondness for Clarke’s breasts and she loved that that was something that never changed.

Clarke moaned with ever suck, bite and tug. Lexa hand wandered lower down her body, caressing her thighs, and slowly moving between them.

Clarke’s body was responding beautifully, her back arched at the touch of Lexa’s fingers over her shorts, right at the apex of her thighs.

“No!” Clarke stopped her.

“Come on, I know how horny you get on your period” Lexa teased.

“But it’s going to be our first time… well our second first time… and I want it to be when I’m not bleeding out”

“Okay then” Lexa chuckled and resumed making love to Clarke’s breasts

“Besides, I think I remember your talented lips could make me come just from fondling my breasts”

“Been there, done that. Challenge accepted”

 

They showered together that morning. Made breakfast and then left to drop the kids off at school. They each took their own car and went separate ways. They had discussed putting both the kids in the same school next year onwards, but were yet to make a final decision and also talk to the kids about it.

That morning, things were looking up. They had shared such a beautiful morning making love, had breakfast with their kids, everything was just the way they needed it to be. Lexa had even thought to herself as she drove out of the drive way, checking that Clarke’s car was also driving out behind her, that it was going to be a good day. She would come home later to Clarke, and maybe she could sit behind her and paint a new canvas together. Maybe they could talk about what they see for their future.

But what she never would have expected, what she couldn’t have foreseen at all, was getting a call from Raven, a panicked Raven who was driving down to the hospital, because she received a call that Clarke’s car met with an accident and Clarke was hurt.

Lexa had tears running down her cheeks as she speeded her way to the hospital. Raven would reach there first. Raven’s number was listed on Clarke’s phone under emergency. Raven promised she would give Lexa call as soon as she reached the hospital and got information on Clarke’s state.

“Come on come on! Move!” she hit the car horn once more, she needed the traffic to get moving, the love of her life was in an accident and she needed to be by her side. She worried for Clarke. Was Clarke scared? Of course she’d be scared. Lexa just wanted to reach the hospital and be by her side.

Her phone began ringing. Raven.

“Rae, how is she?”

“Lex, she’s okay.”

They both breathed a sigh of relief.

“She’s unconscious now though, they had to administer some morphine for the pain. Lex, she fractured a hand”

“Oh baby!” Lexa felt the tears coming on.

“Listen I’m here. Mama Griffin’s on her way here too okay? Relax, the doctor says it’s just a fracture and luckily nothing else. She’s alright. I promise”

“I’ll be there in 10. Can you please just be by her side until I reach! God! The fuckin traffic is so bad today!”

“I’m here. And I’ve asked Anya to pick up the kids today and take them to her place. She’ll explain to them once they’re home.”

“Okay”

 

When Lexa reached the hospital, Clarke was unconscious. Her arm in a cast. Lexa sat by her side the entire time. After what seemed like hours, Raven came inside, insisting that she go get something to eat and that she can sit with Clarke for a while.

“No I want to be here when she wakes up”

“She was put under anesthesia until they set the bone right. She’s going to take a while to wake up”

Just then they saw Clarke stir. Lexa got up and leaned over her

“Clarke, baby I’m here. I’m right here, you’re okay”

Raven rushed to her other side. “She’s struggling, something's wrong” she said and quickly pushed a button to call a doctor. A doctor rushed in and checked her and asked “Any known allergies to anesthesia?”

Lexa immediately said no. but then realized Raven responded “yes”

Raven seemed to be searching in her head for some memory. “Thiopental could kill her.”

“Propofol it is then” the doctor said and quickly rushed out giving instructions to a nurse.

Lexa stood there dumbfounded. A nurse came in and asked them to step out until they could get the situation under control. Lexa felt helpless. She sat outside, put her head in her hands and cried.

“Lex…” Raven approached her.

“I didn’t know that… I didn’t… they asked me, when I told them I’m her partner, they asked me if I knew of any allergies to any medication. And I said no she has never had any allergic reactions”

“You couldn’t have known, Lex” Raven comforted her.

“She could have died!” Lexa screamed.

“She’s going to be fine. The fracture will heal in a month or two, she’ll be perfectly fine”

“I’m the danger to her Raven. I don’t even know her anymore. Things have changed in the last 4 years. And if I don’t know about these changes, I could be more of a hazard than a good life partner”

“Now you’re just over thinking the whole thing. It was a genuine mistake. You couldn’t have known and that’s okay. I was here in the right moment and now Clarke will be fine. She will wake up and ask for you first thing, and you can go in there and kiss her and assure her that everything’s okay, you hear me?” Raven asked.

Lexa nodded. 


	72. Chapter 72

When Clarke woke up, she opened her eyes slowly and looked around. The room was slightly dark,  save for a dim white light over a few monitors near her.

Lexa.

Clarke moved her free arm a bit to tap Lexa’s hand. She was passed out in a chair beside the bed, her head resting on her arms, fast asleep.

“Lex…” Clarke said softly.

Lexa stirred awake and it took her a second to realize someone had touched her. Clarke!

“Clarke, baby!” Lexa stood up and leaned over quickly, placing a kiss atop her forehead.

“OMG, baby, you’re okay… you’re okay…”she felt the need to assure. Clarke looked scared.

“I broke my arm”

“I know… and it’s all fixed up now, it just needs time to heal… you’re okay!” she repeated again, and Clarke realized now, she probably needed to hear it herself and that’s why she kept repeating it.

“I’m sorry” Clarke felt like she needed to say.

“No no, no baby. Why are you apologizing? It wasn’t your fault. And you’re okay. And the kids are fine. We’re all fine now.”

“Where are they?”

“They’re with Raven and Anya.

“Are they okay? Did you tell them?”

“I face timed them. Aden was scared. He cried a lot. But Raven and Madi made him feel better. We can face time him in the morning, okay?”

“Lex… I didn’t mean to scare you” Clarke said meekly, knowing full well what Lexa must have gone through when she heard the news.

“What? Of course not baby! You’re fine now, and I can take you home soon, and I will take care of you. We’ll be okay.” Lexa now leaned in and kissed Clarke on the lips, deep and sweet and so full of love.

“I’m really tired” Clarke said.

“Naturally, you’re stressed out cause of the pain killers and medication… sleep baby. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here when you wake up okay?”

“Promise?”

“Promise. I won’t leave your side” Lexa said, kissing her non-injured hand.

“Did you eat?” Clarke asked.

Lexa laughed through watery eyes. “I don’t know why, of all things, that would bother you right now.”

Clarke smiled and closed her eyes. “You should eat” she said and then fell asleep.

Lexa smiled to herself and shook her head. Clarke was unbelievable. Clarke was her everything.

 

When Clarke woke up, the room was bright, filled with rays of sunlight falling in from the hospital room window. A doctor and nurse were standing in front of her bed and reading her file. Lexa’s natural sync with Clarke, woke her up at the same moment. She rubbed her eyes and looked at Clarke.

“Baby…” Lexa said with a smile.

“You didn’t leave” Clarke said.

“Where would I go? You’re here” Lexa said with a warm smile.

“But you should go home now. Madi and Aden need to see you.” Clarke said, reaching out to hold Lexa’s hand.

Just then Raven entered the room.

“Hey love birds!” she said.

“Rae” Clarke said with a smile, happy to see her best friend.

“I’ve come to relive your girlfriend from night duty.” Raven said, looking pointedly at Lexa.

“I’m not going anywhere” Lexa said.

“Lex, I insist. The kids need to see you. And you haven’t slept or eaten since yesterday, I’m sure. So please… you need to go home. I’ll be fine, Raven’s here”

Lexa thought about it for a moment, then she got up from her chair and looked at Raven.

“Any update, you will call me” she said.

Raven threw her hand up to her head in salute and said “Yes sir, I will.”.

It got a chuckle out of Clarke.

Lexa came closer to Clarke then and kissed her forehead once more, letting her lips linger a little longer there

“I love you, Clarke”

“I love you too.” she said.

“I’m going to go home, freshen up and then call Raven on face time okay. You can see the kids then. ” She mentioned before waving bye and leaving.

 

After she was gone, Clarke closed her eyes and when she opened them again, they were watering.

“Clarke? Are you okay?” Raven asked.

“The pain! It’s too much…”

“Why didn’t you say anything? Oh man! Excuse me nurse, can we put her on a stronger dose of pain killers?” the nurse nodded and rushed out to consult a doc.

Raven held her hand and asked.” why didn’t you say anything?”

“Lexa gets really troubled when she sees me in pain, I really didn’t want to put her through any more agony”

“God! You two! Clarke, you’ve fractured your hand, Lexa will understand you’re going to be in pain. And of all people, don’t hide stuff from her. It’s already upset her yesterday!” Raven blurted out.

“What? What happened yesterday?”

“It was an innocent mistake…” Raven said, trying to brush off the topic.

“Rae, tell me”

“She didn’t know about your medical allergies, the ones that you’ve discovered in the time she was away. Yea well, we almost lost you cause of that.”

Clarke closed her eyes. “I’ll talk to her”

“No I told her. It’s fine. You two just need time. You’ll will re-learn everything there is to re-learn. For now, let’s all just focus on getting you out of that cast so that you can put that hand to some good use on your girlfriend”

“Ugh! Why so profane!”

“What? Her birthday’s coming up and you’re going to have just one free hand to get her to scream your name, you better start thinking about how creative you can get in bed.”

“Well at least that’ll be something I can think of to distract me from this pain right now” Clarke said, thinking deep about how she was going to manage planning Lexa’s birthday with one hand down. She was going to need a lot of help for the next 1 month at least.

 

2 days later.

“You know when you think of two women in the shower together, it’s usually supposed to be really sexy. Never imagined we’d be this couple.” Clarke said, as she faced the wall, completely naked, her casted hand in front of her, and Lexa, completely clothed, standing behind her, drenched from head to toe anyway, standing behind her and scrubbing her back with a soapy lufa.

Lexa laughed out loud.

“You’re in a cast. There’s a difference. I’m just helping you take a bath, ‘sexy’ can happen when you’re not one limb down.

Clarke smiled. Then said “It just feels weird, I mean if you’re going to stand under the shower anyway why wear any clothes at all?”

“Clarke, if I stand naked before you, you’re going to look at me like I’m dessert. And I can’t control my feelings when you look at me that way. And the last thing I want is for us to put ourselves in a compromising situation when you’re still recovering. We can’t risk you getting hurt. So I don’t mind getting drenched fully clothed, and taking a shower after you. We can make up for lost time later.”

“I feel like that’s what we’re constantly striving for, make up for lost time. We just keep losing time. Like we’re not destined to just have a normal love life.”

Lexa was done scrubbing her back. “Turn around, look at me.”

Clarke did as she was told. “If normal means no adventure and drama that would be pretty boring. Look at it this way, ours is a love story that could be written about in books. Why would I want normal then? I just want you. With all the crazy plot twists that come with our kind of love story.”

Clarke smiled, and Lexa leaned in to kiss her sweet lips. Clarke’s free hand came around Lexa’s waist and she grumbled “Uggghhh I wish I could hold you right.”

“You’re doing just fine” Lexa said as she kissed Clarke deeply.

“Come on, let’s get these soap suds off you.” Lexa said as she held the hand shower and slowly washed Clarke’s skin, being careful not to go near her plastic wrapped casted hand. 

“I hope you know that I am grateful… for these little extra things you have to do for me… because I’m suddenly disabled.”

“Shut up will you? Don’t mock me” Lexa said, laughing.

“I’m not. I’m just overwhelmed at how much you love me.”

Lexa looked up into her eyes.

“You have no idea” she said and continued.


	73. Chapter 73

Chapter 73

The next week, Abby had invited all of them over for dinner. She had missed her grandchildren and thought it would be nice to have them over with Clarke and Lexa, and even Raven and Anya. Especially after Clarke’s little accident, she just wanted to have the whole family together for a nice evening.

Lexa was not up for it. She argued that Clarke’s still recovering, and she shouldn’t be putting herself at risk by getting out of the house unless sit was really necessary.

“She hasn’t seen me since the accident, and the kids want to go see her too” Clarke said.

“Clarke, your hand is still in a cast. As much as you want to believe you’re fine, the smallest of a fall or hit could hurt you really bad.”

“I’ll be careful. Plus I have you as a body guard” Clarke tried to make light of the situation.

“Don’t be naïve babe. Understand where I’m coming from. Abby and Kane can come over here, we can do dinner here.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. We’d then have to worry about preparing dinner for so many people. I know I can’t do it and I don’t want you to fall under that pressure alone.”

“I still think it’s a bad idea” Lexa said, sitting on the bed, her face frowning.

Clarke walked up to her and sat on her lap

“I think it’s a good idea. Now kiss me and let’s go to bed.”  
Clarke said as she leaned in and kissed her girlfriend with ample gusto.

 

 When the weekend arrived,

 The kids came running downstairs with their little backpacks on their backs,

“We’re ready!” Madi squealed, excited to go see Abby and Kane.

“Come here my little munchkins” Clarke said, kneeling down near the kitchen isle and pulling Madi in for a tight hug with her non-injured hand.

Aden ran into her too and hugged her, and when Lexa saw he was pressing himself into her casted side “Aden! Be careful! Momma will get hurt.”

“Lex I’m fine” Clarke assured her.

“No, they should know to be careful around you.”

“Really, it’s fine.” Clarke kissed atop Aden’s head and then got back up on her feet. She walked to where Lexa was behind the kitchen island and pulled her close to her side.

 “What’s wrong? Why do you look all bothered and anxious?” she asked.

“Because I am. I still think this is a bad idea.” Lexa said as she filled up another bottle of water for their journey.

“Look at me” Clarke said.

Lexa turned to look at Clarke.

“I’m fine. I feel great. And I have nothing to worry about because I know you’ve over thought everything already. So stop stressing out okay. I love you and I want you to have fun today. It’s family day.”

Lexa smiled. “Okay” she said and leaned in to kiss Clarke. Clarke’s face chased hers when she pulled away.

“Oh come on, give me a longer kiss.”

“If you behave today, then you can get a longer kiss. I’ll even get naked for you in the shower when we’re back” Lexa teased.

“Hot damn, that would be a nice end to a good day. And nice. We’re teasing now. ” Clarke said, her eyes roaming down Lexa’s body.

Lexa playfully whacked her shoulder. “Go sit down, I’ll tell you when we’re leaving. I’m just waiting for Anya and Raven to leave their place.”

When the time came for them to leave, Lexa got a little extra fussy about Clarke’s comfort in the car. She made sure thrice that her seatbelt wasn’t too tight, neither was it lose, she asked her thrice if the temperature in the car was fine for her, and another 4 times along the way if she needed water or something to eat.

Clarke knew that Lexa had been more affected than anyone by the accident, but she never thought she’d ever see Lexa being so anxious/ fussy? She didn’t know what to call it. She cared so much and so beautifully and while Clarke was ever so grateful for it, she hated that Lexa was putting herself through so much trouble and constantly bothered about her wellbeing that way.

Once they reached Abby’s home, she seemed to relax a little and Clarke was happy for it. It was actually fun, they got Madi to perform some of her newly learned dance moves, Raven and Anya were ever the entertainers and Kane is just such a funny guy.

Dinner was delicious as always, Lexa started to serve Clarke, but then Abby took over and told here to just relax, and to serve herself first.

Clarke grinned apologetically at Lexa, but also glad that her mom could take over and let Lexa take a back-seat for once.

After dinner, they sat around the living room once more chatting away about what was ins tore for the next week, Abby asked about Lexa’s cases, and Raven’s work down at the mechanics shop. Madi went on to tell them that the teacher announced to their class that ‘Bring your parents to school day’ was coming up soon and she couldn’t wait to take Clarke and Lexa to her class and have them tell her classmates about what they do. What Clarke didn’t expect was for Lexa to back into her anxiety at the idea of Clarke getting out.

“Honey we’ll talk about that at home okay? Clarke may not be able to come. But I’ll be there”

“What? But I thought Clarke could give my friends some tips on painting and drawing!” Madi whined.

“Yea, Lex. I can go. I don’t see why that would be a problem” Clarke said.

“We don’t need to decide now babe. Let’s go home and talk.”

Raven looked between Clarke and Lexa and could easily read the tension. In fact everyone in the room was picking up on Clarke’s annoyance.

“Lex, my arm is hurt. I’m not crippled. I can go to our daughter’s school.” She said firmly, a little authority in her voice and a tone that made even Lexa feel a little uneasy.

There was silence in the room. Clarke stood up and walked to the staircase

 “Clarke, babe where are you going?” Lexa stood up, wanting to follow behind her.

“To the loo. And no, you don’t need to come along. I can manage this myself.” Clarke said, not wanting to be bitter, but sounding like it anyway. She knew the tone wasn’t necessary but she couldn’t help it. Lexa needed to give her some space right now.

 

“We should all get going now anyway” said Anya, looking towards Raven who nodded her head.

Abby put Madi down from her lap and said “Go on, pack up your toys into your bags. I’m going to pack you guys some doggy bags to take some of the leftover food home.” Abby said to Lexa and Raven.

“I’ll come help you” Raven said and followed Abby in.

Lexa sat on the floor with Aden and helped him put his toys back into his bag.

When Clarke came back downstairs, she walked into the kitchen to join Raven and her mom where they were packing some of the food to take home.

 

“Hey. Hang in there. Just go home and talk. Don’t sleep without clearing this up. Whatever you two are really fighting about. I can tell it’s not the ‘bring your parents to work issue’” Anya said to Lexa when she saw Lexa’s eyes following Clarke.

Lexa nodded and then continued entertaining Aden and Madi, tickling their sides and taking them horseback riding around the living room.

 

“She just wants to help” Raven said.

“I know” Clarke said.

“And she really just wants you to recover soon is all.” Abby added.

“I know” Clarke said.

“Then why’d you snap at her?” Raven asked.

“I don’t want her to worry so much… I’m really okay.” Clarke said.

“You’re both doing this for the first time, you guys need to be patient with one another.” Abby said.

“You need to understand she thought she almost lost you. Have you’ll talked about that? That could be one of the reasons she’s so anxious all the time.”

It made sense in Clarke’s head. That was definitely something they needed to talk about.

“And allow her to be there for you Clarke. You guys have lost 4 years of it. You both got used to doing things alone. Doing things your way. You’ll need to fall back on each other. Be independent but don’t make the other feel completely useless.” Raven said.

When Clarke came back into the living room, Lexa was walking around with Aden on her shoulders and Madi dancing around her trying to keep her attention.

“Hey, time to go home, kids” Clarke said with a smile towards Aden and Madi, and then she looked at Lexa. And Lexa’s eyes held an apology, she could see right through them.

She nodded towards Lexa and said “Come on, babe. Drive us home.”


	74. Chapter 74

 

The kids had fallen asleep after 5 minutes since the drive back home began. The car was silent.

“Mom packed some of the dessert too for you. She knows how much you love apple pie.” Clarke said. Finally breaking their silence.

“That’s sweet of her. I’ll thank her later” Lexa said.

Clarke looked out the window and watched the street lights passing by. “Hey think you could raise the temperature a bit?” she asked out of the blue. “It’s a little chilly in here” she said.

Lexa knew what she was doing and it brought a smile to her face.

“Yea sure” she turned the dial to adjust the temperature and then looked at Clarke, “better?”

“Yea, thanks”

“No problem” said Lexa.

The tension in the car was heavy. But they knew they would go home and talk it out tonight.

“You told mom you’ve got a court hearing on your birthday”

“Yea” said Lexa with a heavy exhale.

“You didn’t mention that to me” Clarke said. And it got Lexa thinking. How did she forget to mention that to her.

“Yea, I’m sorry, it slipped my mind” she said.

“Can’t someone else from the firm go instead of you?” Clarke asked.

 “I don’t know Clarke, I haven’t been to work in a while, I might go tomorrow just to check if anyone can fill in for me”

“Okay yea, that’s a good idea. And don’t worry about me, if it makes you feel better, we could ask Raven to come home just so that someone’s here if I need anything while you’re gone.”

Lexa chuckled. To anyone else it may seem like Clarke was mocking them. But Lexa knew Clarke. She was feeling bad. So she was trying her best to make sure Lexa knew she was appreciated.

 

When they reached home, Clarke held the bags that had the food and Lexa carried both the kids in one arm each.

Madi woke up on the way up to their room, so she walked the rest of the way. Lexa put them to bed, kissed them goodnight and came back downstairs to find Clarke taking the food out of the bags and putting it away in the fridge.

She almost told Clarke to leave it be and let her do it, but then decided not to. She sat on a bar stool on the opposite side of the kitchen island and waited her out.

When Clarke was done, she closed the door to the fridge, wiped down the kitchen counter and then came and stood before Lexa.

“Was that so hard to do?” she teased.

Lexa laughed. They both knew what she meant.

Clarke came around the counter, Lexa turned in her seat and let Clarke stand in between her knees. Lexa looked deeply into Clarke’s eyes, caressed her face, let her thumbs trace her lips and then she leaned I and kissed her slowly, softly, ever so gently.

“I won’t break you know… if you want to go faster, add a little of that rough Lexa touch to it.” Clarke said between the kiss. Lexa smiled in the kiss, taking it even slower.

“You’re trying to drive me crazy aren’t you?” Clarke said. Lexa laughed. She then hopped off the stool and took Clarke’s hand in hers and led her upstairs.

“Let’s talk” she said.

“Okay” Clarke replied and let her lead her to their room.

 

Once they were in their bedroom, and their door closed. Clarke ent ahead and sat on the bed. Lexa came and stood before her.

“I was thinking… I had an idea that might work for both of us”

“Shoot” Clarke said.

“Maybe I should go stay at Anya’s place for a day or two, let Raven bunk here in place of me. You won’t have to deal with my clinginess and I can try and cool it all down in my head while I’m away, try and be less fussy… I don’t know… Anya said it might help, but Raven…”

“That has got to be the most horrible idea you’ve ever come up with.” Clarke said, her face showing all signs of disapproval and annoyance.

Lexa stood there at a loss for words.

“I don’t want you to move away from me Lexa. I just got you back!” Clarke said, sounding a little desperate.

“Why would you think I don’t want you around?!” Clarke asked, but knowing already that her snapping today may have led Lexa to think in that direction.

Lexa came to sit beside Clarke.

“I’m sorry I lost my cool at you babe, but I don’t want you to go away. I just don’t want you to worry so much about me. I’m alright, I’m getting better…”

“Clarke…”

“I know that I can’t do a lot of things around the house with just one able hand, and I need you for all of that. But I also don’t want you to sorry about the smaller things. I can manage some stuff by myself. You worry so much about me…”

“Clarke… there’s something you don’t know” Lexa said, getting up from her seat beside Clarke and pacing before her.

“What is it? Tell me. You know you can talk to me about anything”

“Clarke, I didn’t know… I didn’t know you had medical allergies… they asked me”

“Lex…”

“They asked me and I said you didn’t have anything. And then you almost died. If Raven wasn’t around, If no one knew that about you, I could have lost you…”

Lexa found herself kneeling before Clarke and resting her head in her lap.

“I could have lost you right there!” Lexa said and cried into her lover’s lap.

“Raven told me what happened. I’m so sorry I’ve taken this long to bring it up.” Clarke let her hand find Lexa’s hair in an attempt to comfort her lover.

She then lifted her face to look up at her, leaned down and kissed her lips. The tears were warm, rolling down her cheeks and making their way between their kiss.

“I’m here, I’m alive, and I’m with you. And nothing’s going to take me away from you so easily.” she said between kisses.  

“Is that why you’ve been so anxious recently?” Clarke asked, she didn’t need to, but she did.

Lexa didn’t say anything.

“I want you to understand that we’ve both got to work on a balance here.” Lexa nodded, knowing that what Clarke was saying was true, and they needed to have this discussion.

“I’m so used to taking care of things around the house myself that it’s hard for me to ask for help, even when it’s about taking care of myself. And you’re so worried that I’ll break and you might lose me again, that you’re adamant to do everything you can for me, even if it’s something I can do by myself.”

Lexa got up and sat by her side again and took her free hand in hers.

“We just have to find a middle ground between all of this. We’ll be fine”

“Yea” Lexa said, lifting her hand to kiss over her knuckles. And if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll give you all my medical records to study so that you’re on top of it all” Clarke said with a smirk.

“Don’t mock me, woman” Lexa said and Clarke laughed. Clarke leaned into Lexa’s side the and began kissing her ear, then below it, then along her jaw line

“If I recall correctly, I was promised a shower with you with your clothes off”

“The clause stated that would happen if you behaved”

“I was an angel all day, Lex, come on!”

Lexa laughed at that and began unbuttoning Clarke’s flannel. And once she was completely naked instead of leading her to the shower, she pushed her back gently onto the bed and said

“Change of plans”

“Lex what are doing?” Clarke asked, looking at her lover questioningly.

“It’s been forever since I’ve tasted you Clarke… let me do this for you tonight”

“Wait! I thought we were saving all the sex for your birthday” Clarke said.

“Well my birthday’s still far away and you look too hot right now for me to resist!”

“Your birthday’s like 2 weeks away and… OH GOOD LORD!”

Clarke hadn’t even realized when Lexa started touching her, but it shocked her whole body.

This was such a surprise. She wasn’t prepared for it, she wasn’t prepared for how her body was going to react to this touch after all these years. Within seconds of her fingers starting their little activity, Lexa’s lips were on her.

Clarke was seeing stars. “Lexa!”

“Clarke… you taste so good… I remember you like it was yesterday…”

Clarke moaned. Lexa’s breath was hot against her sensitive skin. Lexa may have remembered the taste of her, but after all these years and after all the sex Clarke never allowed herself to have, this was blowing her mind apart.

“Baby this is going to end faster than you expect!” she warned Lexa.

“We can always go again”

“Lord have mercy!” she said, her eyes rolling back in her head as Lexa tongue dipped into her folds. She let her hand find Lexa’s hair and tangled her fingers in it. She slowly began guiding Lexa’s movements to the way she liked it.

“I love you so much Clarke, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed making love to you, and I’ve missed hearing you scream my name in our bedroom”

“Lex…”she said on a breathless sigh.

She dove right back in, her tongue determined to give Clarke their best one yet. Her fingers adding to the mix, to the mess.

When she dipped two of her fingers inside, she heard Clarke curse.

“The Clarke I know used to be really loud when I went down on her” Lexa teased.

“The Clarke you knew didn’t have to worry about her two children sleeping in the next room”

Lexa laughed, “You just had to remind me that we have two kids now. Fuck!” Lexa’s fingers moved faster, her tongue licking around her clit with more intent. She knew exactly what she was doing. She knew Clarke’s body, she knew how Clarke’s body responded to certain touches. She just knew that things like that, even a 100 years between them wouldn’t change.

“Lex! I’m so close… please…”

She reached around Clarke’s thigh to hold her down in place and began quickening her moves. Clarke couldn’t hold back now, her moans got louder, her breathing quicker, her entire body was humming with joy, Lexa’s tongue was working wonders between her legs and she was a total mess.

She came hard and fast, spasming around Lexa’s fingers curling up inside her at the perfect moment.

When Clarke opened her eyes again, Lexa was lying beside her, panting just like her.

“Did you plan to do this to me tonight?”

Lexa laughed. “Of course not. It was a very impulsive decision. I think it was the flannel. Reminded me of the first time we ever had sex.”

Clarke laughed.

“Wild decision.” Clarke said.

“Great decision” Lexa said.

“Kiss me” Clarke said.

She did as she was told, and Clarke moaned at the taste of herself on Lexa’s lips and tongue.

“You taste of me” Clarke said with a chuckle.

“You know what I absolutely love?” Lexa asked.

“What?”

“I know we’ve matured, grown old, become moms and all of that… but you still respond to my touch the same way you did the first time we made love”

“That’s an interesting observation” Clarke said, looking at Lexa with so much love in her eyes.

“It’s beautiful… you’ve always been mine” Lexa said, leaning in to kiss Clarke again.

“I’ll always be yours, Lex. There’s no doubt about that.”

 


	75. Chapter 75

Chapter 75

They did shower together that night. And Clarke came at the mercy of Lexa’s fingers and tongue once more in the shower and in their bed respectively.

Lexa was suddenly high on it. Like she’d been hungry for it for a long time and couldn’t wait any longer. Clarke felt horrible that she couldn’t do much herself to please Lexa, what with one hand in a cast. But Lexa brushed off her apologies, reminding her once more, they have the rest of their lives ahead of them.

They fell asleep that night, semi-naked under the covers, Clarke sleeping on her side, the side that wasn’t in a cast, and Lexa spooning her from behind, her hand tucked inside Clarke’s tank top, resting on tout abs. her slow movement of her thumb lightly caressing her skin lulled Clarke into a deep slumber, while Lexa herself, intoxicated with the scent of Clarkes hair, fell asleep soundly.

 

The next morning, Lexa awoke alone in bed. But the smell of coffee filling the room assured her that Clarke was just downstairs. She must have woken up early. She looked at the bedside clock. She had to go to the office today. Figure out if she can get a few days off for her birthday. Clarke wanted it. And she wanted to spend those few days with her family too. She rose from the bed and went straight in for a shower, dressed up, did her hair and some light make-up, picked up her laptop bag and rushed downstairs.

“Good morning” she said when she saw Clarke flipping pancakes with her free hand. She came around the counter and leaned in for a kiss and to her delight she received one of the softest, most loving kisses ever.

“Wow” she said as she stared into Clarke’s eyes.

Clarke laughed. “You know you didn’t really have to make breakfast”

“I wanted to”

“I know”

“Lex… last night…”

Lexa looked at her questioningly, but then saw the glow on her face. How had she not noticed this when she came downstairs. Clarke was beaming.

“You were extraordinary” Lexa said with a smile and a wink.

Clarke actually blushed. She couldn’t even look Lexa in the eyes.

“You have no idea how hard it was for me to not do the same for you”

“Your time will come” Lexa said with a teasing smile as she poured herself some coffee.

Clarke chuckled and placed a few pancakes on a plate. Just then the main door flew open and Raven came in.

“Morning, love birds” she said as she strolled in to find Lexa sitting across Clarke at the kitchen island, a giddy 16 year old smile on Clarke’s face, her eyes sparkling, and Lexa looking at her boldly, biting her lip.

“You guys are having sex?! Aren’t you?!” she asked from a few meters away, looking between the two of them.

“Rae!”

“I can see it. Clarke’s glowing brighter than the hot sun that’s out today”

“Shut up” Clarke said while Lexa laughed at how well Raven knew them.

“How the fuck did you manage it though, you really must have had to get creative, Griffin”

“I did nothing” Clarke said under pressure.

“What! So you just lay still and let Lexa do all the work?!”

“OMG Rae! Stop. I’m not going to discuss the details of my sex life with you”

Lexa could not control her laughter.

“She’s not denying it” Raven said in mock horror to Lexa.

“Ughhh, no! Of course I didn’t just lay still while she went down on me”

“Ooo you went down on her?” Raven asked Lexa. “I thought you guys would save all the sex for your birthday” This time even Lexa was shocked at how Raven knew all the intimate details about their lives.

“Wow! Okay” Clarke said, now huffing in annoyance and saying “I’m telling you nothing, this day forward”

“Oh come on! I like the ups and downs of your relationship. It’s interesting”

That almost got Lexa choking on her coffee when she burst out laughing.

“Our lives are not some romantic comedy”

“I wouldn’t call it that, maybe it’s more a Romantic Dramadey? Tragicedy? I don’t know”

“If you don’t shut up now, I’m stuffing your face with pancakes”

“oooo the ‘I-had-a-great-time-last-night,-here’s-thanks-in-edible-form’ pancakes”  

“Raven!”

“What?! It is what it is” she said as she served herself a plate and sat beside Lexa.

 

“Anyway, I’m going to leave you two kids alone now. Got to head to work.” Lexa said as she got off the bar stool and put her laptop bag on her shoulder.

Clarke came around the counter and Lexa kissed her forehead sweetly.

“I’ll be back by 7 this evening, okay?”

“Alright. Text me… when you can…”

“Of course”

 “Did you mean ‘Sext me’?” Raven said, her mouth filled with a bite of her pancakes.

Clarke picked up a table napkin and threw it at her face. She walked Lexa out and then came back to attend to her friend.

“What are you doing here anyway? Lexa called you, didn’t she?”

“she texted me last night, said she wants to go to the office today to sort out her leave for her birthday, guess she really really wants some alone time with you”

Clarke found herself blushing again.

“Come on Clarke, give me the details!”

“It’s her touch, Raven. I had forgotten all about what it does to me. My body felt sooo alive!”

“Aha”

“And last night she was being gentle, extra gentle, solely because she wanted to be careful not to startle me, or I might get hurt. And I’ve told you what it’s like with her, it’s never sex. Its love. So so so much love!”

“Aha” Raven said, her eyes shining with excitement as she took another bite of her pancakes.

“I spoke to the doctor this morning Rae. I asked him if there’s any chance the cast can come off before Lexa’s birthday…”

“And?” Raven looked hopeful.

“He said he would have to have a look at it, but there are chances it’s healed, especially if I feel no pain anymore.”

“Well, is there any pain?”

“None!” Clarke exclaimed.

Raven took another bite of her pancake then and looked up at Clarke who was looking at her expectantly.

“What? You want me to take you?”

“Yes!”

 

Lexa’s birthday was on a Thursday this year. So when she woke up Wednesday morning, knowing she had to go to work today to handover some stuff to the lawyer who would be covering her until eh weekend, she already couldn’t wait for the day to be over, so she could come home to Clarke and bring in her birthday making love to her, after 4 years of spending it without her around. She hit the alarm clock off and turned around to find the other side of her bed empty.

But there was a note.

“Sorry I wasn’t around to kiss you good morning. Had to accompany mom to the doc as Kane’s not in town. Forgot to tell you about that too. Text me once you see this okay? And I’ll see you this evening.”

Lexa groaned into her pillow. A morning without Clarke. Great. But then she smiled at how sweet this was. She left a note on her pillow so Lexa wouldn’t get up panicked not knowing where Clarke was. She quickly reached for her phone and texted.

“I get that Abby needed you, but I can’t kiss a paper note good morning, you know” she feigned annoyance.

“Funny! :D Now get your cute little ass off that bed, and start breakfast, the kids are probably already up.” Clarke replied.

“Bossy. I like it” Lexa replied back with a wink.

“hahaha stop it. Now go. And remind Madi not to forget her shin guards this time”

“I will. Relax. Any chance you’ll get home before I leave for work and to drop the kids off at school”

“Sorry babe, this is going to take a while”

“Alright, I’ll see you tonight then” came Lexa’s reply.

 

“ugh I feel horrible lying to her” Clarke said to Raven as they sat in the waiting area at the hospital. The doc had given her an all clear a few days ago, said she can come in today to get the cast off. So here she was, waiting for it to happen, Raven by her side.

“Listen, she’s the one who’s going to reap the benefits of this. She’s not going to get mad at you”

Clarke laughed. “It’ll make a nice surprise tonight. Aside from the surprise you’ve already got planned”

“I’m just hoping she doesn’t totally kill me. She used to hate surprises.

“I know. But a lot has changed. Maybe she’ll like it, especially coming from you”

Clarke smiled at the thought.

“Ms. Griffin, the doctor will see you now”

“Let’s do this!” Raven said, getting off her seat with a little too much enthusiasm.

“It’s like you’re more excited about our sex life than I am”

“I like happy Lexa and Clarke okay? The grumpy, cranky versions of you are just un-predictable” Raven said as she held the door open for Clarke and they entered the doc’s room.

 


	76. Chapter 76

Chapter 76.

When Lexa left office that day, she drove right home, making no stops whatsoever, desperate to just see Clarke, she felt like her entire day had been a total bummer having not started the day with Clarke.

“Hey, I’m leaving office now. Traffic’s bad though, so I’ll be there in 30 minutes” she texted Clarke.

“Alright, the kids and I were just watching a movie. Come soon”

“How’s Abby” Lexa asked.

“Mom? She’s fine” Clarke replied immediately and Lexa was a little confused. But then another message from Clarke came almost immediately.

“I mean, she will be fine. Her back was a little caught up. So he’s put her on some pain meds and asked her to start physiotherapy and eventually yoga.”

“whoa, okay”

 

Clarke face-palmed herself.

“What?” Abby asked from across the kitchen counter

“I almost blew my cover”

“You were never good at keeping secrets” Raven said as she chopped a few veggies, helping Abby out with dinner.

“Momma, should we yell SURPRISE when she enters” Aden asked.

“NO baby, don’t you remember what I told you. Mama Griffin, Kane, Raven, Anya and Costia are going to hide in the guest bedroom when she arrives. You and Madi need to act as normal as possible. Once she’s here, and her first surprise of seeing I don’t have the cast on anymore is over, she’ll go up to get a quick shower, that’s when everyone tip-toes out and waits downstairs to yell SURPRISE. Got it?”

“Got it!”

Clarke offered him a fist bump and he very excitedly obliged.

“Where’s Madi, baby?”

“She’s in her room momma, she wanted to show Costia something”

“Okay” Clarke said.

 

Aden ran off to the living room to Kane then. When Clarke turned back to Raven and her mom, Raven said,

“It’s really big of you to have kept Costia a part of this surprise.”

Clarke nodded

“You’re regretting it?” Raven asked.

“What? No. of course not”

“Then what’s on your mind?”

“She means a lot to Lexa. I couldn’t not call her. It’s just… I want to be the happier surprise.”

Abby burst out laughing.

“Don’t mock me okay” Clarke said.

“oh honey. Nothing’s going to make Lexa happier, than seeing you with that cast gone. Trust me.” Abby said.

 

When Lexa entered through the door, she could hear the soft hum of the TV, she walked into the living room, to find her 3 favourite people in the whole wide world, cuddled together on the couch and watching Finding Nemo, they were all covered under one huge blanket, the movie blanket they had come to call it.

“How much have I missed?” she asked

“Mommy!” Madi said as she got out from under the blanket and rushed to grab Lexa’s hand to pull her closer to the couch.

“Come on, we just finished Shrek Forever After and now we’re watching Finding Nemo. It’s just begun!” Madi said excitedly.

Lexa leaned down and kissed atop her little girls head and allowed her to pull her to the couch where they were all a little too cozy.

“Hi” Clarke said with a sweet smile and Lexa’s eyes softened “Hey there” she said as she lifted the side of the blanket and settled in beside Clarke, her lips immediately searching out Clarke’s.

It took her a second, to reach out to hold Clarke and that’s when she realized, she touched skin instead of plaster of Paris.

Her lips pulled away quickly, and her hand pushed the blanket off.

“Clarke!” she said as she stared at Clarke’s bare hands crossed before her.

“Yea?”

“Where’s you cast?” Lexa asked, her eyes now moving up to meet Clarke’s sparkling gaze.

“In a bin, somewhere at the hospital”

Lexa’s face showed utter shock.

“I don’t understand” she said blankly.

“I got it checked. It’s healed. I don’t need the cast anymore.”

“What!” Lexa’s eyes widened and a smile slowly began to grace her lips.

“Surprise?” Clarke said, carefully, but with a grin.

Lexa’s look went from dead serious to laughter and her lips found Clarke’s again, this time, with more passion, dripping with pure happiness and a kind of hunger she wasn’t bothered the kids were able to see.

“Clarke’s own arms went around Lexa and it felt like home, being able to hold her lover the way she wanted to when they kissed.

Lexa giggled giddily into the kiss. “I can’t believe this. I thought you had another week in it.”

“yea,” Clarke whispered to her lips now “But then I thought about what a bummer it would be to spend your birthday not being able to hold you and love you the way I’d like to so I went with Raven to the hospital and I got it looked at and Dr. Jameson said it’s all good.”

“God! I can’t believe you!” Lexa said chuckling again, and leaning back in to kiss Clarke, taking her breath away.

“Ahem, ahem” Madi cleared her throat.

Clarke pulled away then and realized, that was her cue to stick to the plan. Yes. There was a plan and she needed to not think about how beautiful Lexa tasted, and how her tongue swept her lips and played with her tongue and how Lexa loved to nibble lightly on her lower lip… and O God!

“Right. Umm… babe, why don’t you go take a shower, let the kids continue with the movie and I’ll get dinner ready for all of us”

“Or… I could just continue to sit here, we can resume the movie, and we can order in.” Lexa suggested.

“NO!” Clarke’s disapproval came out too rushed and it had Lexa looking at her with an eyebrow raised.

“I mean, yea, no. ummm, I want to make dinner tonight. And you’ll feel better, more refreshed if you take a shower and come back down.”

Lexa looked confused, but decided maybe that’s a better idea.

“okay, I’ll be down in 15 then.” she said as she leaned in once more for a sweet kiss and let her hands move along Clarke’s arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

“Yea, take your time.” Clarke said.

Lexa looked at her weird, but then chuckled it off and went upstairs, taking her laptop bag with her.   


When Lexa was done in the shower, she quickly toweled herself dry and changed into a yoga pants and a lose t-shirt. She wiped her hair dry and just as she was about to leave the room, Clarke appeared at the doorway.

“Hey, you’re done!” she stated, her eyes sparkling.

“Yea I was just about to come downstairs, help you with dinner…”

Lexa’s attention then drifted. There was a beautiful, delicious aroma filling the air.

“Clarke, do I smell pot roast?” she asked.

Clarke bit her lip…

“Maybe” she said, smiling.

She took Lexa’s hand and said. “Come on” and led her out towards the stairs.

Lexa took the first step down, and she felt Clarke let go of her hand and immediately there was a black cloth being tied behind her head, covering her eyes.

“Oh come on! What’s going on Clarke?! I told you I didn’t want any surprises”

Clarke laughed. She leaned in and whispered in Lexa’s ear. “It’s your birthday in like an hour, I just want to make it special” her lips brushing against her ear lobe sent shivers down Lexa’s body. She turned her face a bit in Clarke’s direction and said

“There are so many other ways you can do that tonight”

Clarke chuckled and kissed her lips.

“Let’s see, maybe we can keep the blindfold” she said as she took Lexa’s hand and said “come on, next step”

Lexa bit her lip at the thought, her blood already rushing through her veins at the idea of what they could do tonight

“Where’s Aden and Madi? Are they asleep?” Lexa asked while taking careful steps down.

“I can’t tell you those things, it beats the point of blindfolding you”

“So they’re part of it!” Lexa said, happy to have some idea of what to expect.

“God! Lex, we’re like 5 steps away from you knowing everything, just wait.” Clarke brought her hand up and kissed it.

“Okay, you ready?” Clarke asked when they had reached the end of the fleet of stairs.

“Yes” Lexa said, a wide smile already plastered on her face.

The blindfold came off and Lexa heard before she saw, voices of her favourite humans screaming “SURPRISE!”, popping party poppers and blowing party horns and wearing ridiculous party hats, with grins across their faces.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!” they screamed.

Lexa was laughing and shaking with mirth. She kind of would have guessed all along, but seeing it for real brought on a different sense of joy. Aden was already at her heels and Madi right behind him. She carried Aden in her arms and pulled Madi to her side.

“You guys…!” she said. One by one they all came over and greeted her. Even though there was still time for it to officially be her birthday, it just felt so good and so warm to have them all here at once.

Abby took Aden from her and said “come on, we’ve spent all evening prepping this dinner to perfection”

Lexa turned to look at Clarke, and the love she felt in her heart looking into those ocean blue eyes was too overwhelming. She walked into her personal space, grabbed her face and kissed her senseless, not caring that she got a loud whistle from Anya and a hoot from Raven and not surprisingly and EWWW from Aden.

She pulled away for them to catch their breath, and also to say “I love you Clarke Griffin, I really really do”

“I love you too…” Clarke began to say but her lips were attacked once more, in a kiss filled with thirst, and a power to make her insides melt.

When Lexa pulled away this time, their lips were swollen from the kiss, but they didn’t care.

That’s when Clarke’s attention drifted to the person standing behind Lexa.


	77. Chapter 77

Chapter 77

“Oh, there’s someone you forgot to…” Clarke said to Lexa, signaling behind her.

Lexa turned around to see it really was Costia who had been standing with the rest of her family.

Lexa’s hand was holding Clarke’s when they drew back from their kiss, she almost expected Lexa to let go. But to her surprise, she didn’t. In fact Lexa pulled Clarke ahead to stand right beside her before embracing Costia

“It’s so good to see you again” Lexa said

“Likewise” Costia said, hugging Lexa tight. Clarke felt a little out of place, but Lexa wanted her right there and so she stayed put.

When they parted from the hug, Clarke made a mental note that Costia was still standing in Lexa’s personal space. She tried sooo hard to stop thinking like that. To get those stupid thoughts out of her head. She needed a distraction. She looked beyond Costia to spot everyone taking their seats around the dining table and thought maybe she should excuse herself and go over,

But the distraction came in another form. Lexa wound her arm around Clarke’s waist and pulled her to her side, and softly kissed her temple.

“This was all your doing, Clarke”

“All her! And what a way she went about with it too” Costia added, smiling in Clarke’s direction.

“Can’t wait to hear all about it over dinner” Lexa said, looking lovingly at Clarke. And that’s when Clarke’s heart felt more at ease. It was in the way Lexa was looking at her. It didn’t matter that her ex was here. Cause she didn’t mean as much. Lexa had eyes only for Clarke. Her gaze was soft and warm and oh so very welcoming and it was just for her.”

“Oh! Wait till you see the lavish meal she had us all prepare for you!” Costia said, turning to walk with them towards where everyone was now passing the plates around.

Lexa slowed herself and Clarke down and before they could join the others at the table, she turned Clarke around to face her.

“You didn’t have to call her you know” Lexa said, looking deep into Clarke’s eyes, almost as if she was searching.

“She means a lot to you. I couldn’t not”

“You mean more to me. It was really big of you to invite her even though you don’t feel all too comfortable having her around” Lexa said, her palm caressing Clarke’s face.

Clarke leaned into it and closed her eyes. She then looked towards the dinner table, where Madi had chosen to sit right next to Costia and was busy chatting away with her.

“Madi’s been stuck to her like glue” Clarke said with a slight chuckle. “I’m happy you’ll are happy.”

Lexa kissed her forehead then and said, “Come on, don’t worry your genius brain so much. It’s simple. Costia’s in our past. You’re our present and forever. Even Madi understands that”

And as if to affirm what Lexa just said, when they approached the dinner table, Madi stopped mid-sentence in whatever she was telling Costia and ran over to Clarke.

“What did she say?! Did she love it? Did she love our surprise?” Madi asked Clarke.

“I’m right here Madi, and yes! Of course I loved the surprise” Lexa said and pulled her little one up into her arms.

“Did you help with dinner?!” Lexa asked her

“Yes! I did! I helped peel the carrots!” Madi said.

“And I helped momma hide your gift…!” Aden said

“Aden!” Clarke said at the same Raven reached over and covered his mouth.

Madi face palmed herself and everyone at the table laughed.

The table erupted in laughter.

Everyone began eating and Lexa marveled at the 6-7 dishes they had all prepared. While Clarke’s pot roast was the highlight of her dinner, the other meals prepared were also quite the treat. They all ate heartily, catching up, talking about the kids, Madi was telling stories about her friends at school, Aden was quiet as usual, but ever the cute little guy, the littlest things he did had everyone swooning.

Somewhere in the middle of dinner, Clarke felt Lexa reach under the table to take her hand. It made Clarke smile. How clingy Lexa had become tonight.

She caught her eye and raised an eye brow in question.

Lexa simply squeeze her hand and smiled. This even had been perfect. And she wanted so bad to thank Clarke in kind. Tonight. In their bed. With no cast to stand between them.

As if Clarke could read her mind, a slight blush rose to her cheeks again and as if on cue, Raven saw it.

“Hey there love-birds. We’re still around you know. We have eyes”

“Shut up Raven, we’re being total adults”

“Undressing each other with your eyes is not adult behavior” she paused for a moment to re-think her statement and then said “I take that back, it is adult behavior, but you get my point”

“We were doing no such thing.” Clarke said with a smile, letting her hand slip out of Lexa’s warm palm and regretting it immediately.

“Aden baby, want to help me serve everyone some ice cream?” Clarke asked as she rose from her seat and Aden tagged along.

 

Dessert was just as delightful as dinner, and when the clock struck 12, there was cake, hugs and kisses until eventually it was time for everyone to go home.

“Thank you, for inviting me” Costia said to Clarke while she slipped her arms into the coat Lexa held out for her.

“It was… nice having you over again”

Costia chuckled. Lexa smiled. They embraced each other once more, before Costia waved goodbye to Madi, blew her a final kiss and left. After Lexa shut the door, Madi looked up at Clarke and said, now can we give mommy our gift?

Clarke laughed, of course baby girl.

Aden ran to the kitchen and came back holding a bag in his hand, he ran past them into the living room and said

“Come on! Momma, mommy here!”

Once Lexa and Clarke were seated on the couch and Madi made her way to stand between Clarke’s legs, Aden sat on the table in front of them and pulled out the first gift. It was wrapped neatly in a shiny purple wrapper.

“This one’s from me!” Aden said.

Lexa chuckled, “Thank you honey”

“Open it!”

She did as she was told, the joy in her heart at the idea that they picked out gifts like this, she couldn’t hold all of it in.  Clarke saw it the minute she was blinking th tears away and extended a hand around her to hold her and kissed her temple while she was unwrapping the gift.

Lexa chuckled on a sob then and it helped control the emotions for a moment.

It was a t-shirt that read “Badass mommy”

Lexa laughed and held it close to her heart “I love it! It’s perfect!”

“Yay!” Aden squealed in excitement. Then

Madi pulled out a gift from the bag and handed it over to Lexa.

Lexa looked at her with awe and said “what is it?”

“Open it!” Madi said in excitement.

She did as she was told and opened the gift to find a handwritten card. There was a beautiful drawing on top of it, hand painted too. It was a bunch of roses.

“You did this?”

Madi nodded in the affirmative, “Clarke helped me paint” she added.

Lexa pulled her in for a hug “Oh baby, it’s perfect!”

“Mommy you haven’t even opened it”

“I will, but just this much is enough to make me happy too” Lexa said and placed soft kisses all over her face.

Aden laughed and Clarke pulled him into her lap to tickle his sides.

Lexa opened the card to find a small note written inside.

“Mommy, you’re the best thing to have happened to my life and you’ve brought the second best thing that could have happened to my life- Clarke and Aden. I love you so much. Happy Birthday”

Lexa read it again. And again and again. Until a tear ran down her cheeks. Clarke immediately wiped it off.

“Are you okay, mommy?” Madi’s meek little voice brought her out of her thoughts. Lexa smiled and said

“I’m perfect. We’re perfect!” and she pulled her daughter in for another tight hug and a kiss on her head and a whisper of “Thank you baby, I love it. I love you so much!” Madi smiled in her mommy’s embrace.

“Now open the gift!” Madi squealed.

Lexa picked up the little wrapped gift and quickly opened it up to find a charm bracelet. There were 3 charms already on it. One was a moon, which Lexa guessed was a ballet dancer, the other an ice cream cup, and the last one an infinity symbol. Lexa knew exactly what each one stood for.

“Put it on for me?” she said to Madi and she obliged.

Once it was on her hand she caressed the little charms and admired how they shone on her wrist.

“I love it! It’s beautiful!” she said. “It’s… family.”

Madi giggled and said “you can always add more charms, we can go over to the store together and we can pick up some more”

“We will.” She said and kissed Madi’s forehead.   

“Okay! Now momma’s turn!” Aden squealed.


	78. Chapter 78

Chapter 78

Clarke laughed. “Well, my gift isn’t here.” She said.

“Where is it momma?” Aden asked.

“You didn’t show us the second part” Madi added, and Lexa learned two things then. 1: Clarke got her two gifts, 2: Clarke’s second gift would be a surprise for the kids too.

“Okay you guys know of the second one. It’s the first one that I haven’t shown you. Come on.” Clarke said getting up from her seat and expecting the rest to follow her.

“Where are we going?” Lexa asked carrying her gifts and card in hand and following the kids and Clarke.

“To the kids’ room.”

The kids squealed in excitement and ran up before Clarke. When Lexa joined Clarke’s side she asked

“What should I expect? I hope you haven’t popped another kid without my notice.”

Clarke burst out laughing, “Wow we’re joking about that now?”

Lexa laughed out loud too. She stopped Clarke on the stairs, held her face and said

“This moment right here, I’ve never wanted for science to come up with some way for two women to make babies more than I do right now!”

“This has got to be the wine talking.” Clarke said and Lexa laughed, sealing her lips with a kiss.

Madi came to the top of the stairs then “Exchange cooties later! Come on! We want to see what you got mommy!”

They held hands and walked up to the kid’s room. 

When they entered, all eyes were fixed on a canvas that was standing against a wall, covered in a  white sheet.

“Clarke…” Lexa said, already knowing what could be on that canvas.

“Wait, don’t say anything” Clarke said. The kids were both staring at the from Aden’s bed, where they were kneeling at the edge in anticipation for what was coming.

“This gift is more than just a gift for you, it’s a promise and a promise to Madi and Aden too.”

Lexa shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Her body was restless, her lip was already quivering, she just wanted to hold Clarke in her arms forever starting right now.

“I’ve done some stupid things in my life Lex. But if there’s somethings I did right, it was having Aden and fighting for our love when I had torn it down, I got you back and as a bonus, you gave me sweet little Madi too”

“Oh Clarke…” Lexa took a step forward.

“Wait. Let me finish. You remember in college when you used to ask me what I wanted in our future, and I used to tell you I just want you. Nothing more. And you asked me what about a family. And I told you, you would be my family. And that’s all I would need. I understand now, that it wouldn’t ever be enough. I understand now, why you always wanted me to change my mind about us having a family that’s more than just us.

About having our love manifested in children.”

Clarke walked on over to the canvas, and pulled off the white cloth to reveal the perfect painting of the 4 of them.

“Woah!” came Aden’s exclamation “wow” came Madi’s. They ran closer to the painting, to touch the little details of their own faces.  

And a gasp that filled the room was definitely Lexa’s. 3 pairs of eyes were glued to the painting, and Clarke let them absorb it completely.

“Lexa, Aden, Madi, this is my promise to you, I will love you three with all of my heart for the rest of my life, you are all the family I ever want and ever need, and I know right now your mommy and I are still girlfriends, but I hope someday, we can be more…”

Lexa was nodding, and chuckling. Madi had a smile plastered on her face and Aden stared in awe.

Lexa walked up to Clarke and caressed her face, kissed her long and passionately. The kids giggled away as they watched.

“You’re perfect you know that?” Clarke whispered between kisses.

“Only when I’m with you” Lexa replied.

 

Later that night, when they were getting ready for bed, having tucked the kids in and put them to sleep, Clarke finished brushing before Lexa.

When Lexa came out of the bathroom, Clarke was sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for her. She smiled as Lexa walked up to her, her steps slowed down, turned a little more playful, her smile turned a wee bit more mischievous, she looked ridiculously gorgeous in a pair of red shorts, a pink tank top and no bra underneath.

She put her arms around Clarke’s shoulders, a knee on either side of Clarke’s hips and sat atop her lap.

Clarke wound her arms around her waist, and she had to thank the heavens that cast was finally off. It felt so good to hold her lover this way again, the feeling was so overwhelming for them both that it turned into the sweetest embrace.

“Ugh, I’ve missed this!” Clarke spoke into Lexa’s shoulders and then continued placing kisses across her collar bone, her neck, short sweet pecks that left Lexa giggling with the ticklish sensation.

She stopped Clarke, tilted her head to look up into her eyes and said.

“I’ve missed you…”

And there was a heaviness to the statement. Clarke knew she meant so much more. It wasn’t just the missing of Clarke when she was in a cast. It was missing her over the last four years.

Clarke broke the eye contact then. Her eyes gazing down at where her hands found the edge of Lexa’s tank top. She slowly tugged it upwards, and over Lexa’s head, Lexa took it off completely and watched Clarke’s eyes darken.

Clarke’s lips latched on to her nipple and Lexa threw her head back her body shocked by the feeling of Clarke’s warm mouth so very intimately sucking and kissing her left breast.

Clarke’s hands were splayed on her back, holding Lexa just where she needed her. One hand stayed put, while the other found the curve of her ass and lightly squeezed.

It got her a soft moan from Lexa’s lips. And it only urged her tongue to get a little more explorative. She licked around the nipple, nibbled lightly on the sensitive skin, Lexa’s fingers had tangled in Clarke’s hair, while her other hand was on Clarke’s shoulder, needing something to hold on to while her whole body was losing control.

“Clarke…” she sighed

It earned her another butt squeeze. And it made her chuckle. Clarke had always been so very fond of her butt. Just the same way Lexa had always been so very fond of Clarke’s boobs.

Lexa let her lips find Clarke’s forehead. And she kept them pressed there for a while, still having no control over her body while Clarke was going wildly at her breasts.

“I want you so bad, Clarke…” she whispered against Clarke’s forehead and Clarke looked up into her eyes.

Dark blue met darker green and it was all Clarke needed to know that tonight, she was going to show Lexa just how much she appreciates her being back here, in their home, in their room, in her life.

Clarke’s lips found Lexa’s and took her breath away in a mind numbing kiss, enough to distract Lexa from realizing Clarke’s right hand had left her butt and was now unbuttoning the little button on her red shorts.

Before Lexa could grasp what was happening, so lost in the feeling of Clarke’s lips and tongue working magic against her lips, Clarke’s hand reached down into the waist of her shorts.

Lexa’s lungs took in a sharp breath the minute she felt Clarke’s fingers touch her, her lips parted from Clarke’s and Clarke didn’t want to stop, so she kissed Lexa’s cheek, while her fingers moved ever so slowly in Lexa’s folds, dripping wet.

Clarke smiled against Lexa’s cheek, she could feel soft pants of Lexa’s breath against her own cheek. She was trying to pace her breathing, she was feeling all too much

“Ohhhh, Clarke…” Lexa moaned against Clarke’s cheek.

“Kiss me” Clarke said softly and Lexa did. Her lips crashed into Clarke’s, but she wasn’t able to take control of it, her whole body was being controlled by the feeling of Clarke’s fingers touching her so very intimately.

“God! You’re sooo beautiful, Lex…”

Clarke’s lips found Lexa’s pulse point just below her ear and she softly sucked on the skin there, she could feel the soft thrum of Lexa’s racing heartbeat against her lips, oh and if it didn’t send shivers down her spine that she could still have this effect on her lover.

Clarke finally slipped one of her teasing fingers into Lexa’s core.

“Oh yes! Clarke…” Lexa exclaimed.

The position was awkward, Lexa was wiggling in Clarke’s lap, but neither could stop now.

Lexa’s hands were restless, one minute they were on Clarkes shoulders, the next her head, the next her back.

“You ready, baby?”

There was a nod. No sound. And suddenly it was all too much. Two of Clarke’s fingers were thrusting inside her, her thumb circling around her clit, Clarke’s hand was drenched, Lexa could feel it, she was dripping senselessly and if it were anyone else she would be embarrassed with how badly her body needed Clarke right now. But here she was, with Clarke holding her, fucking her, making love to her and it couldn’t matter one bit, that her body was showing every sign it could that she was filled with joy to be in this state of bliss.

“We should lay down” she managed to from a few words, solely because she was concerned for Clarkes hand, even though his was her better hand.

“You want me to stop?” Clarke asked breathlessly.

“No!” Lexa said, her own body now moving to meet Clarke’s thrusts.

Lexa threw her head back, the orgasm so close now, she could hear it ringing in her head. Her hands held onto Clarke’s shoulders to hold herself up

She couldn’t believe how alive her body felt, it had been so long, so ling since Clarke had touched her this way, since Clarke took control of her this way, since Clarke took care of her this way…

Just as the thought faded to give way to pure blank bliss, Clarke’s lips found their way back to her neck, kissing along the length of it and the minute Lexa began spasming around her fingers, Clarke bite into the point at the base of her neck, only heightening Lexa’s orgasm to another level.

“Fuck! Clarke! Oh… ooo yes…yes!”

Lexa felt her whole body shiver with delight as she climaxed, her soul felt alive, hear heart felt a happiness she couldn’t describe and her body felt relaxed.

She clung to Clarke when it was over, hugging her tight to her body while Clarke wound her hands around Lexa,

“You still come so beautifully around my fingers…”

“Shhh… don’t say anything… just… shh my love” Lexa said.

Clarke chuckled, ands turned her head to place sweet soft kisses in Lexa’s hair. Lexa always liked to revel in post coital bliss. She used to say her body liked the sweet sensations of the aftermath too. So here they were, Clarke rocking her lover back and forth, placing sweet kisses wherever she could on her cheek and in her hair.

“You’re the best thing to have ever happened to me, Clarke” Lexa whispered.

“Ditto about you” Clarke said.

 


	79. Chapter 79

Chapter 79.

“Are you tired?” Lexa suddenly asked, now looking Clarke in the eyes.

“What?! No.” Clarke said.

Lexa smiled. “Lay down, I want to make love to you all night.”

“Did you think maybe I had the same plan for you?” Clarke said

Lexa laughed and pushed Clarke down to lay back in their bed.

“But… we can’t stay up all night okay?” Clarke said.

“Why not?” Lexa said as she scooted her way up to lay beside Clarke.

“Because, we have plans for you tomorrow. And we don’t want you sleeping through them”

Lexa’s smile was super contagious.

“Okay, so we’ll get some sleep after a while… if we tire each other out enough” she winked.

“Oh, I don’t know about you, but I intend to drive you crazy” Clarke said as she leaned in to kiss Lexa some more.

“So what are we doing tomorrow?” Lexa asked between kisses.

“Spending the day with Aden and Madi”

“Oh…” Lexa said,

Clarke moved away now and said “That brings me to the other gift”

She turned towards the bedside table, opened one of the drawers and pulled out an envelope and handed it over to Lexa. Lexa chuckled.

“What is it?” she asked.

“See for yourself”

She opened it to find a key and 2 photographs. One was a beautiful beach, a shoreline for miles. The other was of a Jacuzzi.

“Clarke? Explain”

“That’s our view for the weekend” Clarke said.

Lexa looked at Clarke.

“What? I don’t understand”

Clarke scooted closer and let her forehead rest again Lexa’s

“Tomorrow we spend the day with the kids, but come the weekend and you’re mine alone. At this mansion. With a private beach and a Jacuzzi, and a pool, in the Hamptons.”

“You’re kidding me right?”

Clarke chuckled, “I’m not.”

“How did you manage this?” Lexa asked.

“Let’s just say Raven knew a guy.” Clarke said.

Lexa looked back down at the photos in her hand and then squealed in excitement

Clarke laughed and kissed her.

“GOD! This is going to be perfect!” Lexa said, as Clarke took the stuff from her hands, kept it aside and gently pushed her down to lay in bed as she took her shorts off, undressing her completely.

“We’ll have the whole weekend to ourselves, just you, me, the sun and the sand…”

“And a Jacuzzi” Lexa added

“And a Jacuzzi” Clarke confirmed, her hand already roaming Lexa’s body, her lips going in for a kiss.

“Let me take your clothes off too” Lexa suddenly said between kisses, wanting to feel the warmth of Clarke’s skin against hers. Her hands were already reaching for Clarke’s t-shirt.

“Wait!” Clarke said, sitting straight up.

Lexa got up on her elbows and said “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just….” Clarke said. Lexa waited her out.

“I’ll just show you…”  Clarke said. “It’s stupid really”

Clarke got off the bed and very carefully lifted her t-shirt off to reveal black lace, the sexiest kind there ever could be. She watched As Lexa sat up, her eyes darkening further.

“Fuck!” Lexa exclaimed softly. Clarke chucked as she pulled down her shorts, the set was beautiful. Lexa’s heart leaped at the idea of Clarke going lingerie shopping thinking ‘what should I get for Lexa’s birthday?’

“This is new.” Lexa said, her eyes still glued to Clarke’s perky breasts peeking out from the cups of the lingerie.

“You like it? I picked it up yesterday.” Clarke asked, doing a little turn to show it off.

“WOW…ummm…”Lexa seemed to be struggling with her words. Clarke laughed.

“You look… gorgeous!” she finally said. “Why did you think this was stupid?”

“Because, I don’t think it’s going to stay on very long” Clarke said, biting her lower lip and now coming back to bed, kneeling her way closer to Lexa, who’s hands quickly flew to her bare skin , fingers tracing the outlines of her girlfriends lingerie.

“You’re damn right, it’s going to come off real soon” Lexa said, her lips already meeting Clarke’s shoulders, kissing softly towards where she could slide the strap of the bra off her shoulder.

Clarke erupted into giggles, the sensation ticklish against her skin.

Lexa got on her knees too, her kiss now filled with so much purpose and intent, Clarke could feel the way her lips were moving against her skin, she was thirsty, and oh if it didn’t make her insides sing.

“Oh Lexa…” she moaned on a whisper

Lexa pulled down one of the cups of her bra, letting Clarke’s nipple meet the cool air of the room. Clarke’s hand caught the back of Lexa’s neck, her knees were growing weak and Lexa knew it.

It wasn’t too long though before Lexa’s hot mouth devoured her hardening nipple, and Clarke’s weight grew heavy in her arms, Lexa laid her down and leaned in over her,

Both of them now upside down in their bed. Lexa reached behind her and unhooked the clasp…

“Sorry babe, this has got to come off now…” Lexa said

And she slid the straps off Clarke’s shoulders and kept the garment aside only to be met with her gorgeous creamy skin, pinkish at her nipples. It was Lexa’s favorite sight, her lips were drawn to them like a magnet, and 4 years ago Clarke wouldn’t be able to tame that thirst even if she tried…

But tonight, when Lexa’s lips began sucking at her, she had to intervene. Her hands flew to Lexa’s face, tugging her to look up

“Slow baby…they’ve turned sensitive… after…”

If Lexa wasn’t already turned on to the highest level of arousal she could feel for this woman, she sure was now.

Lexa chuckled and it made Clarke smile sheepishly, apologetically.

“Aden… our son, after breast-feeding him…” Lexa said for her. Clarke nodded.

Lexa nodded “I’m so in love with you, Clarke” she said before going back at it, slow as ever, Clarke’s head shot back, her eyes shut, her body writhing in pleasure. And if that wasn’t enough to drive her crazy, Lexa brought a hand into the mix, ever so gently massaging Clarke’s breast, squeezing, planning her every move based off the way Clarke’s body moved beneath her. Her soft whimpers and moans were filling the room and she loved how she could still have this effect on her lover, how Clarke’s body had changed but was yet the same...

They were the same, so good with each other in bed, it was like perfect choreography, a dance they’d learned to do around each other over years of making love to each other…

“More…”she heard Clarke whisper. Her queen asked, and she must deliver. Lexa increased her pressure fondling her breast, kissing and nibbling at her skin, Clarke had been wriggling so much underneath her she had shifted herself such that her head was almost nearing the lower edge of the bed…

Lexa had an idea.

She let her kisses wander lower, down the center between Clarke’s breasts, lower, slowly down her abs, her waist line, and finally just above the black lace she couldn’t help but stop to admire. She nuzzled her nose along the waist band

“Baby…” Clarke sighed in bliss.’

“I can feel your heat Clarke…”

“I’m not going to apologize for how bad I want you” Clarke said on a breath.

“Who said you need to be ashamed? I would be more than insulted if I didn’t cause this reaction…”

“Just touch me already, Lex!” Clarke impatiently demanded.

Lexa chuckled, and nuzzled her nose over the lace, it drove Clarke insane, having her so close yet so far, her soft lips pressed heated kisses at the skin where her thigh met her core and lower along her inner thighs.

“ahhhh Lex.. Don’t tease, please...”

“The scent of you is intoxicating, Clarke…” Lexa said, smiling against her inner thigh.

Lexa could make filthy talk sound like classical music. But if Clarke wasn’t in such a high state of arousal she would have cared to comment on it. Right now she was so desperate and needy to be touched, if Lexa didn’t start, she would reach down herself and start. Lexa was testing her patience.

Right on cue, she felt Lexa pull the waist band down, helping Clarke get the sexy lingerie off, and when she was finally free of the confining garment, Lexa held her knees apart, and said

“Shift a little higher up the sheets, baby” Clarke scooted up until her head was a little off the bed.

“that’s it, perfect…”she leaned down, her eyes fixed on Clarke’s, a confident smirk on her face, her tongue peeking out to lick her lower lip once and then Clarke’s world exploded around her.

Her body shifted another two inches higher up against the sheets, her head hanging down, her hair let lose, her blood rushing to her head as Lexa’s lips worked her magic in her folds. Lexa ate her out like she was desert, finding the perfect rhythm between licking, sucking, nibbling lightly, teasing her folds, and eventually, inserting 2 fingers inside her.

Lexa alternated between applying light pressure, then a little more against her clit, then licking around it, then circling it with her thumb, all the while thrusting two of her fingers into Clarke rhythmically.

Clarke has seen many marvels in her lifetime. Her favorite of all was Lexa herself. Her second favorite was the full moon or stars in a pitch black sky, seen only from places away from the bright city lights. And then there was this. The stars she sees behind her eyes when Lexa controls her entire body with just her tongue. That was a concept she could never wrap her head around.

She could feel the muscles in her torso rippling, her blood rushing violently through her veins, her heart beating so erratically, she wanted to scream her ecstasy out loud. She was so close, so close to it, and she knew Lexa could feel her, feel her inside spasming around her fingers.

“Come for me, Clarke, I’m right here” Lexa said at her center.

Clarke came, loud and filthy, around Lexa’s lips, one hand having reached to hold Lexa in place just where she needed her, and the other fisting the sheets.

“I love you, I love you…” she whispered as she climaxed, and Lexa stayed put until she was sure she’d licked her clean. She crawled up her skin, leaving kisses in her wake and Clarke raised her head to look at her, her face was flushed red, her cheeks were glowing.

“Hey baby” Lexa said with a grin, a little of her chin still a little moist from her lovers sex.

“You’re impossible” Clarke exclaimed, adjusting her body, so that she could rest her head flat now, and Lexa crowded over her, kissing her cheek.

Clarke brought her lips to hers and moaned at the taste of herself on her lover’s lips.

“I’m sure you woke the kids” Lexa said between kisses.

“Ugghhh” Clarke said, annoyed at herself.  “How do you do this to me?”

“We’re just getting started” Lexa said, chuckling and continuing to kiss Clarke, never tiring of the taste of her, of them, and their love.

 


	80. Chapter 80

Chapter 80

Later that night, Clarke was snuggling into Lexa’s side, her face resting on her chest, Lexa’s fingers playing in her hair, they weren’t asleep, just content, enjoying the proximity, the skin to skin warmth under their covers. It had been so long since they last shared such bliss.

Lexa softly kissed over Clarke’s head.

“Can I ask you something?”

Clarke hummed.

“Tell me about something important I missed when I was gone” Lexa said.

“Lex…”

“it’s just, I feel like 4 years was a really long time, so much changed even though so much stayed the same, we do have some catching up to do, and since we anyway don’t want to sleep just yet, you can tell me…”

 “Well there’s quite a lot I need to tell you, so where do I start?” Clarke said, softly kissing over Lexa’s chest.

“Tell me about Aden’s first day at school” Lexa said.

Clarke chuckled at the memory and it only got Lexa even more excited to hear.

“I was so excited Lexa, you should have seen Rae and I, we prepped him up so well, and he was just so not up for it, I mean I don’t blame him, he didn’t know what to expect. But he put on a brave face for us even though I knew he must have been nervous.”

“Awww that must have been cute” Lexa said, smiling at the thought of it.

“Oh but then, how the tables turned. When the moment arrived, we were standing outside the school gates, I put his little bag on his shoulder and Raven did her signature handshake she used to share with him, and then he turned around and he saw all the other kids, and he got so happy and excited, and suddenly, I didn’t want to let him go, Lex”

“Ahhh” Lexa said, understanding the feeling.

“I just didn’t know if he was ready, if I was ready. He’d been under my care alone for so long, and suddenly, just the thought of teachers looking after him and him not having me to run to while he was in there, it all seemed so scary. I almost carried him up in my arms and said “come on bud, we can do this tomorrow””

Lexa was shaking with laughter.

“Come on, don’t laugh at me, I’m sure you felt the same with Madi”

“I did, that’s why I’m laughing. Cause if we were both here, we’d be such useless parents.” Lexa said, laughing some more and Clarke began shaking with as much laughter too.

“So then?” Lexa urged her to continue

“So then I hugged him really tight, shut my eyes and told myself in my head “he’s a brilliant bright boy, he’s going to be so good” and I kissed his head, told him to be nice and make some friends and that I’ll be right here to pick him up when the day’s over. I kid you not, he literally hopped and skipped his way merrily into the school compound and I stood there bawling my eyes out with Raven rubbing my shoulders. She got a little emotional too.”

“Awww baby” Lexa said and soothingly kissed Clarke’s forehead while chucking too.

“Now it’s your turn”

“What would you like to know?”

“Tell me Madi’s first words”

Lexa smiled to herself at the memory.

“It was at the most unexpected of times” Lexa said.

“Really? What was it? When? Tell me” Clarke said, now turning on her tummy beside Lexa, leaning up on her elbows and looking at her lover with sparkling eyes.

“So when we brought Madi home on her first birthday right she was already babbling to herself. She would laugh when we cooed at her, or nibbled on her little fingers and she would say things to herself that we obviously couldn’t understand. But both Anya and I had been trying to get her to say ‘mama’. We tried so hard for a few months. Anya started referring to me as Mama herself just to get Madi used to the word. We used to laugh about it a lot.

Lexa laughed at the memory

“Madi had fallen really ill one night. And honestly I couldn’t keep it together. She had a raging fever, she was coughing violently, I was a mess, I tried everything, I steamed up the bathroom and rocked her in my arms there, thinking maybe it’ll clear her air ways, we tried calling doctors, but there was no range, there was  a storm that night and no network coverage in most areas there.

Anyway Anya was running helter-skelter trying to call someone, anyone, even other friends who’ve had babies before, I was so scared Clarke. Our only solution was to wait out the night and do see a doc in the morning. But by some miracle, at some point that night, in the wee hours of the morning, her temperature finally came down, I was holding her naked body against me and we were on the couch in the living room, and I felt the sweat on her skin. Anya was laying awkwardly on the single seater couch, passed out to, I whispered out her name to wake her and I said “She’s alright, Anya”

And then we heard it, Madi stirred awake against my breast and she said “mama” her tiny eyes looking up at me, and it blew my world apart. I cried, kissing her sweet little face and her fingers and her body and all of her.

Anya got herself a bottle of champagne she used to stock and popped it open and took a few swigs herself, just relieved that her temperature was back to normal, and celebrating that we had succeeded at getting her to say mama”

Clarke was grinning from ear to ear, even with her eyes brimming.

Lexa leaned in and kissed her lips.

“I thought about you so much that night, even though I still resented you, I couldn’t help but think you would know what to do, you would be able to treat her, and calm my fears all at once. And if not you, at least Abby would have had a solution”

“I wish you had at least called mom, if not reached out to me…” Clarke said

“I didn’t know how to, I’d left everything so suddenly.” Lexa said.

Clarke nodded, then looked down at the sheets.

“What are you thinking about?” Lexa asked.

“Aden’s first words.” Clarke said, looking up at Lexa with a sheepish smile.

“What were they?” Lexa asked

“Rae-Rae” Clarke replied nervously.

“WHAT!” Lexa shot up, scooting back to sit up and rest her back against the bed’s headboard.

“His first words weren’t ‘mama’?” Lexa asked, with widened eyes and a mocking smile.

Clarke hid her face in the sheets, embarrassed. When she looked at Lexa she was chuckling.

“No. it wasn’t. And yes, I was as disappointed as you are now” she said.

“Raven must have been on top of the world!” Lexa said, laughing, trying to picture the moment.

“How did that happen?”

“okay so, Raven was pretty much his second mom for the longest time right, so all the while when I was home I would try getting him to say ‘momma’ but whenever I was out to run errands and raven was looking after him, she would try to get him to say ‘Rae Rae’”

“I cannot believe this” Lexa said, still grinning ear to ear at the possibility of this.

“So when the time came, and Raven and I were playing with him that day, mom was here too, and I turned my back for like a second, to reach out to grab another one of his toys and we heard him say “Way way”

Lexa burst out laughing “and then? How did you react?”

“I looked at Raven, whose face showed utter shock. I said “Raven, please tell me my son’s first words are going to be mama and that what he just mumbled was just him babbling” and Raven looked at me and said “I’m pretty sure those were his first words, Clarke”. I was so caught up with the surprise of it, mom was the first one to come and lift him off the floor and shower him with kisses congratulating him on his first word, Raven looked at me and shrugged and I threw the stuffed toy in her face”

“Awww Clarkey…” Lexa cooed, reaching to caress her face and shower it with kisses.

“Don’t call me that, what even is that name?!” Clarke laughed.

“I just came up with it” Lexa said. She then asked “so… ‘momma’ was his…?”

“Second word. I made sure of that” Clarke assured.

Lexa laughed out loud heartily.

They were silent for a while then Lexa asked “What was it like, breast feeding him?”

It hit Clarke somewhere deep inside her heart, she had robbed them of sharing these experiences, she had robbed them of these 4 years.

“Don’t. Don’t go back there in your head Clarke, what had to happen, happened. We’re past that.”

Clarke nodded. She took Lexa’s hand in hers and kissed it and said “I promise you Lex, if and when we’re ready to expand this family, I will carry for us again, and we’ll be able to do this together, the right way this time.”

Lexa smiled and nodded.

“It was a few hours after I’d given birth, I had been holding him and playing with his fingers and just staring at him for hours. He was so peaceful. And then suddenly he starting wiggling in my arms and crying and I was scared I was doing something wrong. But mom was sitting beside me and at the same time the nurse rushed in and they told me he’s probably just hungry. And you’d think that knowing the reason why he was crying would be enough, but I grew more nervous, cause I had done my reading Lex, I knew about all the moms who’d talked about the trouble they had getting their baby to latch onto their nipple the first time”

“Yea, I’ve read about it too” Lexa said.

Of course, Lexa had done her reading too. Even though she wasn’t a biological mother. That’s just who Lexa is, she puts in all the work.

“So mom saw the look on my face, and before the nurse could get to me, she kissed my head and said, “just relax, he knows his mommy.” so I took a deep breath, the nurse helped me unbutton my hospital gown a little, I hadn’t even noticed that my breasts had already started giving milk, it had stained the gown, the nurse helped me hold him a certain way, and then she left me to manage it myself, I don’t know what came over me, I just touched his cheek lightly, angled his lips to my breast, and caressed his tiny cheek cooing at him, and he stopped crying, his lips grazed my nipple and something changed in me, Lex. I shivered and mom immediately felt the need to tell me, “You’ve got this honey, he’ll come to you. He’s yours. He knows you”

And then he put his little lips around me, and slowly began to suck. I cried Lex. I started crying. And mom kissed my head and said “He’s an angel” but I couldn’t stop crying. His wiggling restless hands settled down, one of them rested on my breast, and in that moment I was filled with so much joy, I cried because you weren’t there and he was there, and he was ours.”

Lexa wiped the tears rolling down her cheeks, and slid down under the covers with her lover, she kissed her with a passion so alive, and so filled with love and care.

“Thank you…’ she said, letting her forehead rest gently against Clarke’s her lips reached in again and sucked on her lower lip. “… for having him, for giving him shelter in you and in our home, for believing he was ours, and for fighting for me”

“Always” Clarke said, enveloping her lover in sleepy, kisses, until the two of them passed out in each other’s arms.

 

 


	81. Chapter 81

Chapter 81

When Clarke’s eyes opened the next morning, she woke up to Lexa’s green orbs staring at her. Clarke’s face squished against her pillow looking towards Lexa’s side, while she lay on her tummy, was apparently a sight to behold for Lexa.

“Good morning, birthday girl” Clarke mumbled. Lexa almost didn’t understand the words at all.

She laughed and said “Good morning, baby” she replied and moved a stray lock of hair out of Clarke’s face and behind her ear. Clarke closed her eyes and hummed her appreciation.

“How long have you been up?”

 “About an hour now?”

“Who wakes up this early on their birthday holiday? I had plans of surprising you with breakfast. Now you’re just making me look bad” Clarke whined as she turned on her side to face Lexa properly in their bed.

Lexa leaned in to kiss her lover and said “Someone as perfect as you could never look bad.”

Clarke chuckled and reached out to caress Lexa’s face, she traced her thumb over her cheek and then over her lips and they brought their faces together to make love for another few minutes.

“We should put some clothes on” Clarke finally said between their kisses when Lexa began to slow them down, lazing into it.

“I don’t want to do anything that involves losing touch with your skin” Lexa said, her hand caressing Clarke’s waist and moving up her back under their covers, it sent shivers down Clarke’s spine and she closed her eyes picturing the sex they had last night.  

“MOMMMMYYYY!!!!” came Madi’s voice from outside their bedroom door, followed my incessant knocking and then Aden’s voice too

“Mommmmyyy, open up!”

They laughed, “okay okay, I get why now” Lexa said.

Clarke crawled out of bed first and got Lexa a fresh pair of clothes, then she herself put on some and tied a robe around herself.

“Decent enough?” Clarke asked her.

“You’re not allowed to say the word ‘decent’ after the things you screamed in ecstasy last night,  Clarke” Lexa said, tying her hair up in a bun, still seated in bed, but having put on some clothes now.

Clarke blushed and went to the door

“LET MY CHILDREN IN!” Lexa said out loud from the bed, and the minute Clarke opened the door, the two of them ran in and pounced on the bed, rushing into Lexa’s arms and showering her face with kisses

“Happy Birthday!!!”

“Happy Birthday, mommy!’”

“Hey my little munchkins, thank you so much! Did you’ll get a good sleep?”

Aden nodded and Madi said “yes mommy”

“Okay, how about you guys head downstairs with Momma and help her with breakfast. I’ll quickly have a bath and be down, and we can plan our day out, okay?”

“We already have a plan, mommy!” Aden said. Clarke nodded from the doorway. Lexa raised an eyebrow. “My mistake then, you’ll can tell me about this plan then, once I’m done with a shower. And then momma can go and get ready until then.”

“Yay! Okay” Madi exclaimed.

She kissed Lexa’s cheek once more, then held Aden’s hand and led him out and Clarke blew Lexa’s a kiss and followed behind them, closing the bedroom door behind her.

Lexa fell back on the sheets, closed her eyes and thanked whatever powers were above for bringing her to this day healthy and so in love with Clarke and their children.

 

The weekend was finally here. It was Saturday and they had dropped off the kids at Abby’s place early that morning, and were now driving down to the Hamptons.

Lexa rolled her window down and rested her hand on the window pane, she closed her eyes and let the wind blow on her face.

She heard the music in the car go louder. Clarke. Her sweet sweet girlfriend. She let her mind wander to what a beautiful day they spent yesterday with the kids. Every moment, every laughter, every smile etched in her memory. It had been one of the best birthdays she’s ever spent.

They had a scrumptious breakfast at home, then went out to the zoo, the kids were sooo excited to see all the animals. They even learned that their momma was truly scared of one thing in the world- reptiles. She just didn’t want to go near them even though they were confined and couldn’t harm anyone. It amused Aden to another level and he decided he wanted to get a toy reptile just to annoy his momma.

Once they were done at the zoo, they went out for lunch to Lexa’s favorite Italian restaurant. And then for dessert to her favorite ice cream parlor. They strolled in the park until it was evening, laying in the grass, telling stories, tickle fights and games. As just when Clarke thought maybe the kids would be tired now, they insisted they wanted to go to the amusement park before they head home.

Amongst all the fun with the kids, Clarke had managed to stela a few chaste kisses, making sure Lexa felt more loved today than any day before, reminding her time and again, how special she was to her and how amazing a mom she was to their kids.

They were on the Ferris wheel once more, when Lexa took her hand and kissed it.

“Remember the last time we were here?” Lexa asked.

“I’ll never forget” Clarke said.

“We’ve come a long way” Lexa said.

“We’ve got a long way to go” Clarke said with a hopeful smile.

And it warmed Lexa’s heart to the next level, she couldn’t resist leaning in and kissing her lover with utmost passion and sincerity. This day had been made so special and she felt so loved her heart was overflowing with love for Clarke and for their kids.

Her body wanted nothing more now, than to go home and to make love to her, to show Clarke how much she adored her heart and how much she wanted her in her life.

“You should take a nap, it’s going to be a long drive” she heard Clarke say from the driver’s seat.

Lexa looked towards her beautiful girlfriend and smiled.

“We were up pretty late last night. Should’ve been wiser knowing we had to be up early” Clarke said with a chuckle.

“Do I hear regret?” Lexa asked, in a teasing tone.

“Oh no, not at all, commander.”

“Thought so” Lexa said, leaning in to kiss Clarke’s cheek.

Clarke let her mind wander back to last night, and how Lexa insisted Clarke put on her red stilettos and keep them on until she’d ravished her naked body to her heart’s content.

She looked towards the passenger seat where Lexa had reclined her seat back now and was resting, her eyes closed. She looked back at the open road ahead of them, and smiled.

Last night blew her mind. She couldn’t wait to make love to Lexa again, all weekend long. It was going to be just them.

 

Clarke stood breathless, leaning back against the kitchen counter, Lexa’s lips were kissing down her neck, her fingers were unbuttoning her white shirt. Clarke doesn’t know what came over her.

They had just entered the house, brought all of their bags inside, and Clarke turned around and told her, “Go on, take a look around, I’ll go whip us up a snack.”

Lexa nodded, and went around the villa. Clarke busied herself, taking out a few sandwiches she had packed for the way that they hadn’t touched yet. She knew Lexa was taking her time looking around the place, it was a lot to take in after all, Clarke had seen the place before. She chose it for a reason.

It was the homely vibe it provided, the coziness, the space, all to themselves. She knew Lexa would love it.

So when she heard Lexa’s footsteps coming back down the staircase, she assumed she’d get a ‘wow’ or a ‘cannot believe how great this place is’, what she didn’t expect, was the way Lexa came up behind her, wrapped an arm around her middle, pushed her hair to one side on her shoulder, and began kissing wildly down her neck.

Clarke’s hands let go of the food she was holding, a gasp left her lips. Lexa’s hand creeped in under her shirt and grazed her tummy lightly.

“Lex…”

“I need you…” Lexa said. And it was all she needed to say to get Clarke’s heart racing. She turned her around, and Clarke saw it, the darkened pupils, the lust in her eyes, the intent. She was hungry alright, but not for food.

Clarke stood breathless, leaning back against the kitchen counter, Lexa’s lips were kissing down her neck, and her fingers were unbuttoning her white shirt.

“We can go to the couch… or the bedroom” Clarke suggested, her breath catching in her throat when she felt Lexa’s tongue tickling her pulse point as she kissed.

“We’re staying right here” Lexa said, commanding. Oh and if it didn’t send a rush of blood straight through her veins down her body.

She heard Lexa’s hand reach behind her on the counter, to push the plates of sandwiches to the side, making space.

She shoved the shirt off her shoulders and slipped them off her arms, then took off her own t-shirt. She pulled Clarke’s body flush to hers, the warmth of their skin sending shivers down Clarke’s spine.

“Oh!” she gasped “what’s gotten into you babe?” Clarke asked, thrilled with this sudden need.

“God! You’re so sexy Clarke!” Lexa said at her lips. Clarke couldn’t take it anymore, she could already feel her underwear had begun to soak. Her whole body wanted Lexa so bad. She kissed her back with more vigor, with more intent, it was all Lexa needed to make her next move.

She unbuttoned Clarke’s shorts, pulled the little zipper down and impatiently, slipped her hand inside. It caught Clarke by surprise.

 

 


	82. Chapter 82

Chapter 82

“Ah!” she moaned, her eyes shut tight, her head titled back, immediately granting more access to Lexa’s lips on her neck.

“Baby…” Clarke moaned and she felt Lexa’s finger enter her. Clarke was losing her mind, her hands were restless, she wanted to touch Lexa, she wanted to touch all of her at once. Her one hand stayed wound around her shoulder, the other caressed her hair, her back, and finally came to fondle her breast, she somehow managed to push the bra cup down, clumsily fondling Lexa’s breast twisting a nipple, distracting Lexa from her own mission to work Clarke up.

“Clarke! You’ll have your chance later!” she heard Lexa say firmly,

“I want you now!” Clarke insisted. And all she got was a hungry, dominating growl against her neck, and another finger inserted into her, moving inside her, controlling her mind, her heart and all of her body.

“Faster baby... I’m so close!” Clarke said, out loud, shamelessly. They had nothing to hide here, Clarke was loud and filthy when she came, moaning Lexa’s name, her voice sounding off the walls of this house, echoing through the hallways, “Lexa!” a prayer on her lips as Lexa’s fingers worked magic in her.

Just as she was riding out her orgasm, nearing the climax, her breath beginning to come down, she felt Lexa’s thumb working up her clit again.

Lexa did it last night to her, it felt new even though they used to do it all those years ago, multiple orgasms one after the other, it used to tire them out, take all the energy out of them, but it was always worth it in the end.

“Lex no…” Clakre whined

“Yes… come on baby.. I know you can do one more...you’re so hot right now, you look so beautiful…”

Clarke felt her whole body come alive again, she was sweaty mess, her underwear was soaked through and through, her chest was glistening with sweat. She reached behind her and quickly unclasped her own bra, feeling too hot even in a perfectly controlled-temperature room.  She saw what it did to Lexa. The minute her breasts were set free from the garment.

“You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?” Lexa said.

“I swear, it was just getting in the way”

“You got that right!” Lexa said, before her head dipped to devour a nipple. Her fingers having come alive again in Clarke.

She circled her clit, and rubbed across it, and scissored her fingers inside her, switching up the movements in such a perfect order, building it up so gradually and sweetly and thoughtfully, the feeling of her lips and tongue on her nipple, coupled with the movements of her fingers inside her, brought Clarke on to another high she rode her hand, and screamed her name, coming loud and wet and ever so shamelessly against her girlfriend’s hand, both of them still in the kitchen of their little holiday villa.

When Clarke’s breathing came back to normal, Lexa rested her forehead against her lover’s. Both of them breathing the same air.

Lexa had a smug smile on her face, and Clarke chuckled.

“This weekend’s already looking great” Lexa said, her eyes focused on Clarke’s beautiful bare breasts.

“I suddenly feel too naked here” Clarke said leaning in to kiss her lovers lips passionately. Lexa’s hands moved along her sides, caressing the side of her breasts, her waist, her back. She felt Clarke’s arms go around her, only to unclasp her bra too.

“What are you doing?” Lexa asked.

“Why should you get all the fun?!” Clarke whined into her lips.

“because it’s my birthday weekend” Lexa said with pride as she began to tug Clarke’s shorts off, not bothering to take her converse off, in fact, secretly wanting them on.  

Clarke tried protesting, but Lexa wouldn’t have it.

“There’s something I want to do right now” Lexa said, her gaze meeting Clarke’s and Clarke understood. Clarke bit down on her own lip.

“Don’t do that!” Lexa whined, leaning in to kiss Clarke’s lower lip hungrily. And before Clarke knew what was happening, Lexa had pushed all of the stuff on the kitchen counter right to the end, making ample space to hoist Clarke up to sit on top of it.

“Lexa…” Clarke knew what was coming.

“Please honey… I really want to taste you right now, you’re dripping” her hand reached around Clarke’s ankle and brought it up to rest on the edge of the counter, she pushed her other leg further apart, and Clarke leaned back, closing her eyes, readying herself for what was to come. She knew this was going to blow her mind. She could still remember the last time they did something like this. It was about 5 years ago, when they had just moved into their new home, and Lexa wanted to make Clarke come on her desk in their study.

Since then they’d never had another opportunity, what with them being apart for so long now, then living in their home with kids always around, it had been so long since they had this kind of privacy, this kid of freedom to make love to each other so openly, so loudly and so wildly.

Lexa’s lips were on her in seconds. Clarke felt her whole body writhe in pleasure, shocks. She was moaning loudly, sometimes with just whimpers, then it was Lexa’s name, then it went to endearing words,

“Baby!” She screamed, when Lexa licked the length of her cunt slowly, and with immense pressure against her clit,

“Baby!” She moaned lazily when Lexa dipped her tongue inside right before adding her fingers there again.

“Oh baby!” She moaned breathlessly when Lexa sucked at her clit, making her come loud and long, and so beautifully against her mouth.

She couldn’t believe it. They’d hardly been here less than 30 minutes now, and Lexa had made her come thrice.

Clarke sat up straight, pulling Lexa closer to stand between her legs, she wound her arms around her and kissed her, laughing.

“What?” Lexa asked, nipping at her lips, lazily nuzzling her nose against Clarke’s

“This is supposed to be your birthday weekend… stop making it about me…”

“Have you forgotten, I thoroughly enjoy pleasuring you, Clarke”

Clarke hid her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck, and allowed herself a moment, just breathing the scent of her lover’s skin in…

“Have I tired you out?” Lexa asked, her hands tracing odd designs on Clarkes bare back.

“No”

“Don’t lie”

Clarke chuckled then, and wound her legs around the back of Lexa’s knees.

“I cannot believe I’ve still got my converse on” Clarke said.

“It adds a nice touch” Lexa said, kissing in Clarke’s hair.

Clarke laughed. “Yesterday it was the stilettos, today the converse…”

“Maybe I picked up a shoe fetish in the time we were apart.” Lexa said.

She meant it in jest. She really did. But she didn’t think before she spoke. And she felt it the moment Clarke’s demeanor changed. Clarke shifted off her shoulder, and looked away at the sandwiches at the other end of the counter.

“Ummm, I should probably go freshen up and change” she said as she scooted off the counter and began putting her shorts back on, “why don’t you freshen up and change too” she picked up her bra and her shirt and held it against her body. “And we’ll… maybe we can laze in the pool for a while…”

“Clarke…”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m fine. I’m just going to freshen up. I’ll meet you at the pool?” Clarke said as she backed up towards the stairs

Lexa nodded.

 

Lexa had changed into her bikini in one of the bathrooms downstairs and went out around the house to find the pool. It was huge. She got in, and swam to and fro from one end to the other letting her body get used to the water.

She then picked a side, and just floated around there, waiting for her girlfriend to come join her. She heard the house slider doors being pulled open, and so she looked to find Clarke, her hair tied up in a bun, walking towards the pool slowly, but covered in a bath robe.

Lexa was amused. She waited her out. When Clarke reached the other end of the pool,

“What’s wrong? Why are you in a bath robe?”

“Okay about that, I carried a bikini, but I haven’t worn one in a really long time”

“How long is a really long time?” Lexa said.

“Since I had Aden”

“Clarke, if you’re worried I’ll be turned off by your body, you’ve got to be delusional.” Lexa assured her.

Clarke took a moment, thinking to herself, and it showed on her face when she resolved to doing this.

“Come inside, the water’s beautiful”

Clarke nodded. She then very carefully opened the tie of her robe, and slipped it off.

Lexa’s eyes wandered down her body, from head to toe. It was an orange bikini, her skin glowed in the sun. Clarke looked beautiful. She couldn’t understand why she was so conscious of her body. So what if there were a few stretch marks, it only made her more beautiful in her eyes, she was the mother of their child. Those stretch marks were a beautiful addition to her already creamy, smooth skin.  

Clarke took a few steps back, then dove into the pool, swimming underneath and making her way to the other end where Lexa was standing. She rose up to the surface, right in front of Lexa, and pushed the stray hair behind from her face.

Lexa’s hands rose to put some of her bangs behind her ears and Clarke looked at her lovingly.

They stood there silently, looking into each other’s eyes. Lexa’s hands wandered down underwater, tracing Clarke’s sides, and stopping to rest on her waist. Just above her hips. She looked down and let her fingers trace the place where the stretch marks had made their home on her lover’s skin.

“You look extraordinary… stretch marks and all” Lexa said.

Clarke smiled.

“And this choice of bikini, I love it, goes well with your eyes.” Lexa said with a wink.

Clarke chuckled. She leaned in to kiss Lexa, and just when Lexa leaned in the remaining distance to grasp her lips between her own, Clarke went underwater and swam the other way, proud to be such a tease.

Lexa chuckled and swam behind her.

Now at the other end of the pool, Lexa cornered Clarke, crowding into her space and kissed her, keen on getting that kiss she was denied earlier.

They cuddled and kissed, and tangled their limbs, making minimal conversation, letting their hands and skin do all the talking. Caresses and tracing fingers against skin, their bodies felt so alive.

When Lexa did speak again she felt she needed to clear the air about before.

“What I said about a new found fetish…” she watched Clarke’s eyes change. The sparkle gone from them so quickly.  “Did one of your ex-girlfriends do that for you?” Clarke asked.


	83. Chapter 83

Chapter 83

And Lexa saw the hurt in her eyes. Clarke was still holding on so much to the hurt she felt at the idea of Lexa making love to other women.

“No. no. None of them ever did it. I mean I’ve never tried anything like that with any of them. I just thought to try it that night because I had seen your red shoes in an old photograph and I thought it would be interesting”

“Okay…”

“It’s not a fetish, Clarke. At least not something I’ve picked up from anyone else.”

“Do you like it on me?” Clarke asked carefully. Wanting to make it a thing between them if Lexa really enjoyed it.

“I think I do. The converse added a nice touch today too” Lexa said with a slight smile.

Clarke smiled back then, shyly. Lexa leaned in and kissed over her ear, softly whispering

“I’m sorry if I hurt you, by saying that earlier”

Clarke’s body shivered. “It’s okay”

“I’ll be more careful with what I joke about the next time”

“And I’ll work on letting go” Clarke added. Lexa smiled and kissed her neck. Clarke closed her eyes, leaning back against the wall of the pool, tilting her head to give Lexa more access.

Clarke suddenly turned them around, and began kissing Lexa’s neck, softly down the column of her throat, she could feel Lexa’s breath hitch.

Suddenly, she took a deep breath and went underwater, Lexa looked down, only to find and to feel Clarke’s lips placing soft kisses down the center of her breasts, lower down her abs and her stomach.

Lexa closed her eyes, the sensation taking over her body. Clarke’s lips were so gentle under water. Lexa suddenly felt them too close to where she really badly wanted them to be. She reached under water to tug on Clarke’s shoulders, wanting her to come back up. Clarke nuzzled her nose against Lexa’s front, kissing over the material and then came back up, for a deep breath.

When she opened her eyes, she was met with Lexa’s darkened green orbs.

Clarke smiled. She had attained the desired effect.

“You know, there’s no one else around here” Lexa said, her hand caressing Clarke’s face. “We could have skinny dipped, not bothered with the bikinis at all” she said, her finger lightly touching Clarke’s lips.

“Nah, where’s the fun in that? Plus, I didn’t pack all these clothes for nothing” Clarke said, and it made Lexa laugh.

“The least amount of clothes you wear between today and tomorrow, babe, the happier this birthday weekend will get”

“Point taken” Clarke said, taking Lexa’s finger into her mouth and sucking it, her eyes fixed on Lexa’s. Lexa’s gaze however was trained on her disappearing digit between Clarke’s lips. Clarke mouth was warm and beautiful, her lips and tongue were soft and silky against her finger.

Clarke let go of it with a pop, she smiled sultrily and swam away, leaving Lexa standing there, a little weak at the knees.

Lexa turned around to watch Clarke swim to the other end, when she came out on the other side, she smiled at Lexa who was staring at her so lovingly.

“What?” Clarke called out from there.

And Lexa saw the last 4 years of her life flash before her. All the pain, all the horrible flashbacks she would have when she would drown her soul in alcohol, all the comfort she sought in other women, all the time she spent thinking about how worthless her life felt, all the time she spent caressing and kissing her baby girl, the only light in a life that felt too dark.

She thought of all the time lost between them, about how much they had to make up for, how much she absolutely loved Clarke, how much she could never hate her completely even though she hated the mistake she made that set them so many years apart, she thought about how these days she only ever felt peace and happiness in her arms, in her company, by her side. She specifically thought about how much she really really really wanted to put a ring on Clarke’s finger.

A ring on her finger.

The thought shocked Lexa even as she had it. She was ready. She wanted it. She wanted it soooo bad. Especially now, staring at her lover across the pool.

“Lex? You okay?” Clarke asked

She doesn’t know what made her do it. It was some sort of force inside her that pushed her forward, swimming towards where Clarke was, and as soon as she stood before her, she kissed her lips violently.

Clarke could feel the hunger, thirst? She couldn’t care less. It was burning. The fierceness with which Lexa was kissing her, touching her body.

“Why are we waiting?” Lexa said all of a sudden.

Clarke opened her eyes, still recovering from the onslaught on her lips.

“Huh?” she was at a loss for words.

“What exactly are we waiting for Clarke, we’re in love, we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together…”

Clarke’s eyes widened. she could tell now where this was going

“We’re beautiful together. We live together, our kids love living together, Madi may not call you mom yet, but I know how much she adores you, Aden already sees us as his parents…”

“Lexa, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Clarke felt the need to clarify.

“I don’t have a ring to offer you right now Clarke, but I’m asking you now anyway…”

“Oh my god…” Clarke’s hands flew to Lexa’s face, holding her face lovingly. “Wait, don’t. Don’t say it”

“Why not?”

“Because I will say yes. You know I will say yes” Clarke said with a chuckle, laced with equal parts excitement and equal parts nervousness, and Lexa laughed too, already overwhelmed with so much joy she wanted to kiss Clarke senseless.

“I will say yes baby, but don’t propose now. We promised the kids we wouldn’t take any more steps without letting them know first… even if we know they’ll be fine with it, I think they need to be there when we talk about this…”

“Fair enough…” Lexa said, her smile widening.

They stood there silently gazing in to each other’s eyes. Clarke broke the silence, her eyes gazing down at Lexa’s lips

“You really want… you want to…” she stammered, still trying to grasp this conversation.

“I want to marry you, yes. I do. So much.” Lexa confirmed.

Clarke nodded. Lexa noticed she was so lost in thought. She put her finger under Clarke’s chin and made her look up at her. And Lexa saw the tears brimming.

“These better be tears of joy” Lexa teased even as she traced the skin under the rim of her eye with her thumb. And Clarke laughed, breaking down, hiding her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck.

“You bring me so much happiness” Clarke mumbled on a sob.

“Ditto about you” Lexa said, kissing over her hair. They stood like that for what seemed like too long, until Lexa felt Clarke begin to kiss her skin again. Before she could tell what was happening, Clarke’s hand inched down her body, and slipped into her underwear.

“Oh” Lexa gasped at the feeling “babe!” she moaned, as Clarke turned them around, letting Lexa lean back against the pool wall.

“Let me” Clarke begged.

Lexa nodded, even as her forehead found rest against Clarke’s.

“Do it!”

It was all the consent she needed. She wound an arm around Lexa’s shoulder, holding the back of her neck, so as to angle her lips to meet her own, and her hand inched in further, inserting a finger into Lexa’s quickly growing warm center.

The sensation under water was sooo different. It was all sorts of textures. The cool water, the warm slippery feeling of Lexa’s folds, her quickly hardening clit, the hot breaths leaving Lexa’s lips at Clarke’s mouth. They were breathing the same air, their heartbeats so in sync.

“Faster… baby, Clarke!”

God! It was the way the ‘k’ rolled off Lexa’s tongue, it did so many things to Clarke, sent shivers through her body. She took Lexa’s lips between her own then, wanting to kiss every moan and every whimper that was to come, this minute forward.

“Let go baby!” Clarke told her softly

Clarke let her foot push Lexa’s right leg further away, making room for her own hand to pump her fingers in faster. She pulled away from the kiss to watch Lexa’s eyes grow wider, and then shut tight, she threw her head back, so lost in the beautiful sensations of her orgasm now building up.

“uhhhh!” she growled out loud in the air, a guttural groan so animalistic Clarke almost came from the sound of it, with no stimulation needed whatsoever.

Clarke’s free hand left the back of her neck and reached down to fondle her breasts, it brought Lexa’s attention back to Clarke’s eyes.

“Ah… Yes!” Lexa covered Clarke’s hand with her own, guiding her to squeeze her breast, to touch her body, she brought Clarkes hand up to her face, and kissed her wrist, her palm, all the while, her wild gaze stayed on Clarke’s darkening blue eyes.

Clarke was getting distracted, her movements between Lexa’s legs had gotten slower, gentler, and she rectified it as soon as she realized it, and she lost Lexa again, her eyes got unfocused, her head shot back again, Clarke felt it the moment her insides started to clench around her fingers

“Come for me baby” Clarke instructed.

“Yes! Yes! Yes Clarke!” Lexa moaned.

Lexa pulled Clarke’s face to hers, kissing wildly, biting down on her lower lip so hard Clarke hissed in their kiss, biting back.

Lexa’s body went into total shock, the orgasm hitting every sweet nerve so beautifully, sending goosebumps along her skin, she brought Clarke’s face to hers, resting her forehead against her, their pants coming fast and wild, she placed her mouth against her ear just before she could hit the peak of her orgasm and the whimper she let out against Clarkes ear was raw, untamed, so unadulterated,

“I love you…”she whispered as she rode out the climax, coming down from her high, reveling in the feeling of Clarke’s fingers playing in her glistening folds.

She laughed against Clarke’s ear when she was completely done.

“Stop playing with me” she said as she placed ticklish kisses around her ear, and nibbled on her earlobe.

Clarke was left chuckling, until she felt Lexa’s teeth graze along her neck.

“You’re mine… Forever” Lexa said, biting softly into Clarke’s creamy white skin, marking her ever so possessively.

Clarke moaned in pleasure, her breathing picking up, even as Lexa soothed over the mark with kisses and immense love.

“Always, always yours” she whispered for her lover alone.

“I want to take you upstairs, lay you down in bed and ride your face” Lexa whispered ever so softly in Clarke’s ear.

Clarke’s breath caught in her throat. Yes. She wanted it too. She wanted Lexa to straddle her face and come at the mercy of her lips, come all over her lips.

“let’s get out of here” Clarke said hurriedly and desperately, taking Lexa’s hand and leading her to the pools ladder, both of them laughing and looking forward to this escapade of theirs, this time they have all to themselves to make love to each other, to be with each other and to simply fall deeper in love with each other, if that was even possible.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fin.   
> AN: Thank you, guys, for sticking with this story, for trusting me with characters we’ve all come to love, for letting me tell such a difficult plot. I hope I’ve given you’ll something worth your while, and I hope the angst wasn’t too much to handle.
> 
> I’m bringing this story to a close here because I felt they’ve come to a point where they’re love is pretty much set in the right place now. They’ve seen the hardships, they’ve seen what they can overcome. 
> 
> While this AU story line still gives me a lot more to come up with, I could write a little into their future as wives, the kids a little grown up, Anya and Raven’s relationship, and more, I would first like to hear what you guys think of this story before starting to write a sequel. 
> 
> Let me know if there were particular scenes you loved, if you have any particular scene you’d like to see in a future fic of this story, any prompts you guys may have, and I’ll definitely try to work something more out.   
> Once again, thank you.


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